Sunday, June 22, 2008

Lessons in love and life from Miriam Quiambao

Yesterday, after wading through ankle-deep floodwaters along Ortigas Avenue and then having a dinner of spaghetti, warmed over chicken and some Milo, I sat down to read a Marie Claire magazine (Philippine edition) which had Miriam Quiambao on its cover. I did not buy the magazine, okay? My sister brought home this September 2006 issue, okay?

You probably know that Miriam Quiambao represented the Philippines and became first runner-up in the 1999 Miss Universe competition. She became a media celebrity after that, and her idyllic wedding in Boracay to a guy named Claudio was aired on local television. Her marriage has broken up however and she has returned quietly to the Philippines.

In that Marie Claire article written by Lara Parpan, Miriam candidly reveals the reasons why her marriage broke up. Here they are from Parpan’s interview:

  • “I prepared for the wedding, not for the marriage.”

  • “I was at that point in my life when I said: ‘Here I am. I’ve achieved my dreams career-wise. What’s next?’ I wanted to have a family …And here came this guy who seemed to fit my ideal – he could provide for me. All women look for someone who can provide for them.”

  • “I wanted to change my husband. I married him for an ideal that I created in my mind. Not for who he was.”

  • “I understand that for a guy, his priority is his work. But I felt neglected at times because when he got home, we didn’t get to talk much. We lacked those deep conversations that really bond couples.”
  • “The attraction between us was instant and I fell in love. He proposed to me three weeks into the relationship.”
  • “That’s when we were having difficulties with the long-distance relationship.”
My Family Matters website became online in December 2005 and since that time I have received more than a thousand e-mails and blog comments, mostly from women whose marriages have either already broken up or about to be. Let me share with you some of the things I have said to these women in crisis. Please take note that in this discussion, I do not wish in any way to put Miriam in a bad light or to belittle the heartaches she has gone through.

From Barbara to Miriam

Barbara DeAngelis is a well-known relationships expert whose book “Are You The One For Me?” became a New York Times number one bestseller. I do not subscribe to Barbara’s lifestyle or views but some things she said in her book really make sense in light of Miriam’s experience. For example, Barbara states in page 85 the seven wrong reasons for someone to be in a relationship:
  1. Pressure (age, family, friends, etc)
  2. Loneliness and desperation
  3. Sexual hunger
  4. Distraction from your own life
  5. To avoid growing up
  6. Guilt
  7. To fill up emotional or spiritual emptiness
You probably guessed it right. Barbara’s reason number seven applies to Miriam’s case. Miriam had achieved everything she had set her eyes on and what was lacking? Ah yes, a dashing prince, a fairy-tale wedding, a family …

Miriam mentioned that she and her husband, while courting, had a long-distance relationship. Barbara, in page 309, characterizes long-distance relationships as a Toxic Time Bomb. She says, “The goal of two lovers in a ‘normal’ relationship should be to become more loving and intimate with one another. The goal of two long-distance lovers becomes to see each other.”

Miriam also said she and her husband lacked deep conversations and emotional bonding. Barbara states in page 197 nine fatal flaws to watch out for in a partner. Number seven in her list? “Emotionally unavailable.”

The cuddle chemicals

Miriam also stated that she and Claudio fell in love instantly and that her husband proposed to her three weeks into the relationship. At this point, you probably should read my article “Love Potion No. 9” where I discussed what the so-called “cuddle chemicals are and how they impact our relationships. These chemicals are dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. Vincent du Vigneaud won the 1955 Nobel Prize in Chemistry when he discovered, isolated and synthesized oxytocin and vasopressin.

Secular writer Eve Salinger says that, at the beginning stages, when a man and woman start getting attracted to each other, the human brain produces increasing levels of “dopamine” and “norepinephrine” that create feelings of exhilaration and lovesickness. Salinger says that as the romantic relationship loses its initial exhilarating buzz, “dopamine” and “norepinephrine” are replaced by “vasopressin” and “oxytocin” which promote bonding or a warm, fuzzy feeling between the man and the woman.

These chemicals are reactive, meaning they don’t just kick into our systems for no reason at all and hold us hostage to their effects. There’s always first a stimulus - food, a breathtaking scenery, an attractive guy (okay, okay, you can use me as an example!) – that sets these chemicals into action. In one study for example, when women in good marriages were asked to think about their husbands, the oxytocin levels in their blood increased. The stimulus was the pleasing thoughts about their husbands, and the effect was increased oxytocin levels.

What are the practical applications for you in knowing all these things about the cuddle chemicals? Well, when you meet someone attractive and interesting (okay, okay, if you insist, you can use me again for an example!), the sparks will start flying but that’s only because of dopamine kicking into your system. Don’t jump to the conclusion that you’re truly falling in love. Give yourself time (lots of it!), and in a more stable emotional climate, you can better evaluate what your feelings are for that person. The exhilarating, romance-filled days will not last. That’s because, as researchers in neurochemistry say, the dopamine-fueled hyperactivity can damage the brain.

One, two, three …

 In her Marie Claire interview, Miriam stated that she and Claudio had only known each other for about a year when they got married. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot in their book “Relationships” point out that the lifetime of most romantic relationships is only about two years, with a break-up occurring on the third year. Why? Well, they say that a man and a woman in the first year of their relationship are blind to the faults and defects of each other. Reality only sets in during the second year of the relationship, and the couple begins to notice the negatives in their partner’s attitudes, character, and personality.

So how do you find true love?
 
Radio Bible Class has a booklet entitled “
How Can I Know Who To Marry?” that discusses steps for choosing the right partner in life and marriage. Available in print or online, this article by Kurt de Haan uses the Old Testament example of Isaac and Rebekah in helping people discover who the right man or woman is. It’s a great read and I recommend it to you.

The only problem however is that, if you are familiar with Isaac and Rebekah’s story, they started out so well and yet, decades later into their married life, they ended up favoring one child over another, with Rebekah deliberately fooling a blind Isaac into giving Jacob the birthright that belonged to Esau.

Loving toughness for singles

One book that I have read several times and which I have recommended to people who have asked me for help is Dr. James Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough.” In a chapter entitled “Loving Toughness for Singles” (pages 201 to 213) Dr. Dobson discusses sixteen suggestions that will help unmarried men and women to conform to the principles of loving toughness in matters of the heart. Number one in Dr. Dobson’s list (and which you know by now, applies to Miriam’s case) goes like this: “Don’t let the relationship move too fast in its infancy. The phrase ‘too hot not to cool down’ has validity. Take it one step at a time.”

Earlier on in this chapter, Dr. Dobson stated, “It is of highest priority to maintain a distinct element of dignity and self-respect in all romantic encounters. I have observed that many relationships suffer from a failure to recognize a universal characteristic of human nature. We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that which we are stuck. We lust for the very thing which is beyond our grasp; we disdain that same item when it becomes a permanent possession.”

Making marriage last a lifetime

I have cited the book “Fit To Be Tied” by Bill and Lynn Hybels numerous times in this blog . As I have said before, I do not agree with a lot of Bill Hybels’s theology and methodology. In terms of relationships and marriage, however, “Fit To Be Tied” is probably the best book that I have ever read. I highly recommend it to you, whether you are single, engaged to be married, or already married. I wish that Miriam had read this book before she had gotten married.

I love “Fit To Be Tied” so much that I have already bought three paperback editions of this book. I gave the first two copies to friends as wedding gifts and the third copy is circulating among my Bible school students. I have a hardbound edition of this book, which I bought from a second hand stall in SM Centerpoint two years ago. I am planning to give this book as a gift to the love of my life. She is the second most beautiful woman in the universe. The most beautiful woman in the universe is, of course, Angel Locsin.

Wishing Miriam well

If I remember correctly, Miriam slipped and fell during the Miss Universe competition. But she picked herself up and moved on to win as first runner-up. Miriam’s marriage has broken up, but she has picked herself up and is moving on. Miriam says in the last part of that Marie Claire article, “I’m now learning to love myself, respect myself and honor my preferences. I don’t have to change myself for someone else. I just have to be comfortable with who I am, warts and all.”

Well, well, well, lessons in love and life from Miriam Quiambao. Perhaps the profoundest thing I can ever say to Miriam is, “Go, girl!”

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Happy Fathers’s Day!

Click here to view Father's Love letter Flash movie The world will celebrate Father’s Day on Sunday, June 15. This early, I’d like to share with you a very popular selection entitled “Father’s Love Letter”, the video version of which has been viewed by million of people around the world.

Father's Love Letter is a compilation of Bible verses from both the Old and New Testaments that are presented in the form of a love letter from God to the world. The Flash movie version (around eight minutes long) is available in English and more than 80 other languages. The website’s home page describes FLL in this way:

Father's Love Letter is a selection of paraphrased Scriptures. Each line in the Father's Love Letter message is paraphrased, which means we have taken each scripture's overall message and summarized it as a single phrase to best express its meaning.
The Power Of God's Word

This message has the ability to change lives because it is God's Word. The Bible describes God's Word as living & active, sharper than any two-edged sword (Hebrews 4:12) and promises not to return empty (Isaiah 55:11).
Countless Stories
We have heard countless testimonies from thousands of people all over the world who have had a life-changing encounter with God while experiencing the message found in Father's Love Letter.
This Letter Was Written For You ...
... and its words are penned from a God who loves you and desires to be the Father that you have been looking for all your life. Wherever you are in your journey, we hope that this love letter will encourage you, comfort you and guide you on your way home.
In a world of absentee or abusive fathers, FLL provides abundant hope, indeed a very rare commodity these days. I do have misgivings about FLL’s message. As Ptr. John Piper says in his book “The Passion of Jesus Christ” (page 29),

“There is only one explanation for God’s love for us. It is not us. It is ‘the riches of his grace’ (Ephesians1:7). It is all free. It is not a response to our worth. It is the overflow of his infinite worth. In fact, that is what divine love is in the end: a passion to enthrall undeserving sinners, at great cost, with what will make us supremely happy forever, namely, his infinite beauty.”
Be that as it may, below is the text of Father’s Love Letter. You can also view the Flash movie (English version).

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Please do not be fooled by the mask I wear … Please hear what I’m not saying


I took this picture some fifteen years ago during a choral interpretation competition in Rizal High School in Pasig City, Philippines. This school was once credited in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the world’s largest high school, with its total population at one point in time reaching up to 26,000 students. Several years ago, however, the school’s annexes became independent schools and the population of the main campus dwindled to around 8,000.

Anyway, you will notice that the faces of the students in this picture (except for about two students) are masked by dramatic make-up that complements their all-black attire. A selection that is appropriate for this picture is the poem “Please Hear What I’m Not Saying.” This poem has had several variations floating around in the Internet and in print publications, oftentimes reported as having been written anonymously. But the original version of this poem was written by Charles C. Finn. For more of his poetry, please visit Finn's website. Below is the original version of the poem as written by Finn.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.

My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings --
very small wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator --
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
Oftentimes, because of the fear of rejection and of being hurt (again!), we hold back from saying what we really think and feel for another person. I remember the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding" starring Julia Roberts. The character played by Julia had always been in love with her male best friend but she just could not take the risk of telling him what she really felt. Until the time came when her best friend was engaged to be married (to a character played by Cameron Diaz).

When Julia’s character and her best friend were on a leisurely trip in a boat, she thought about revealing to her best friend what she really felt. If I remember her lines correctly, she said, “Sometimes you just have to seize the moment and say out loud what you really feel. Otherwise, the moment will just pass you by.” But the moment came and went for Julia’s character and she just could not risk saying that she really was in love with him.

The Bible puts it very succinctly, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.”