The One and Only [2]

There's a hopelessly romantic story that’s currently sweeping the Internet. In the words of the ABC News report, it’s the story of "Patrick Moberg, a 21-year-old New Yorker, who made blogosphere headlines this week when he developed a Web site, nygirlofmydreams.com , dedicated to finding a mystery girl he was too shy to approach on a train.

He described her as wearing blue tights, blue shorts and a flower in her hair, and even included a sketch of both himself and the girl." The girl turned out to be “a 22-year-old Australian magazine intern named Camille Hayton”. Yahoo has a video of this story entitled “Love at first subway ride”. You can also read the ABC News story titled “Hopeless Romantic Found His Mystery Girl Online”.

Well, well, well, love and romance … As the title of Han Suyin’s novel states, love is a many-splendored thing. Or as Dr. Willard Harley Jr said in his book “His Needs, Her Needs,” a woman’s need for romance never ceases. Perhaps, Omar Khayyam (in Edward Fitzgerald's translation of Rubaiyat) sums it all up about romantic love: “Ah, Love! Could you and I with Him conspire, To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, Would not we shatter it to bits, And then remold it nearer to the heart's desire!”

Reality bites

I don’t want to be a killjoy but as I read about Patrick and Camille’s story, I can’t help recalling that in the Philippines, there are more than 400 annulment cases filed all over the country every month. Or that the DSWD has reported that 40% of couples in CALABARZON are merely living in. Perhaps, what Sandra Bullock’s character said to Keannu Reeves in the movie “Speed” is quite appropriate. After the high speed bus ride and surviving a mad bomber together, Sandra’s character says, “Relationships that begin under intense circumstances never last.” You might also want to review my article “Transformers: Why do persistent suitors become passive husbands?”

So how do you find true love?
 
A lot of pastors and youth leaders teach that out of the hundreds of millions of people in the world, God ordained before the foundation of the world, one and only one person to be your marriage partner. That in a nutshell is the "one and only" theory.

Some prominent Christian writers like Joshua Harris (“I Kissed Dating Goodbye”), Eric and Leslie Ludy (“When God Writes Your Love Story”) subscribe to this “one and only” theory. Even world famous evangelist Billy Graham believed in this theory.
On the other hand, other Christian leaders like Dr. James Dobson, Bill and Lynne Hybels say that the “one and only” theory does not have any Biblical support and can even be dangerous for a couple experiencing marital struggles.

Exercise your judgment, common sense and discretionary powers in choosing a mate

Dobson in his book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” (Living Books, Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.) in pages 94 and 95, says this (emphasis by boldfacing supplied) :

“Anyone who believes that God guarantees a successful marriage to every Christian is in for a shock. This is not to say that he is disinterested in the choice of a mate, or that he will not answer a specific request for guidance on this all-important decision. Certainly, his will should be sought in such a critical matter and I consulted him repeatedly before proposing to my wife. However, I do not believe that God performs a routine match-making service for everyone who worships him. He has given us judgment, common sense, and discretionary powers, and he expects us to exercise these abilities in matters matrimonial. Those who believe otherwise are likely to enter marriage glibly, thinking, “God would have blocked this development if he didn’t approve of it.” To such confident people I can only say, “Lotsa luck.”

The dangers of the “one and only one” theory; choose carefully, move slowly, pray for guidance, seek wise counsel, examine your heart

The Hybels couple in their book “Fit To Be Tied” (Zondervan Publishing House, Michigan, USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade) in debunking the “one and only” theory, discusses the dangers and pitfalls of such a theory in pages 114 and 115 (emphasis by boldfacing supplied) :

“… sometimes when couples discover how different they really are, they jump to the conclusion that their marriage is hopeless, that they might as well give up because they chose the wrong spouse. Sometimes well-meaning Christians contribute to their sense of hopelessness.

We once heard a pastor say, “Somewhere on planet earth there is a special someone just for you. God designed this person before the foundations of the world to be your lifetime mate.” This is the “one and only” theory, and suggests that out of the five billion human beings that inhabit planet earth, God prepared one – and only one – to be your spouse.

This theory appears harmless, but it can be downright dangerous for a couple who is trying hard to make their marriage work, but making little headway. They are frustrated, but they keep plodding along until they stumble upon the “one and only” theory. Suddenly a light bulb goes on. Here’s our problem. You’re not my one and only, and I’m not yours. This marriage will never work. We missed. God can’t bless this marriage, so why keep hitting our heads against brick walls? Let’s part ways and find our one and only. Their assumption is that if they find their one and onlys, marriage will be easy. They won’t have to make compromises, or work through conflicts, or negotiate family differences, or wrestle with temperament issues. It will be smooth sailing on the seas of wedded bliss … if only they find their one and onlys. Even those whose convictions will not let them part ways live with the burden of regret. I missed my one and only.
While the notion has been bantered around in Christian circles for years, we find little Biblical support for believing that God ordained every marital match before the foundation of the world. As in many other areas of Christian living, the Bible lays broad parameters for spouse selection. Within those parameters, individuals have the freedom to choose. In I Cor. 7:39 Paul says that a woman whose husband dies “is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” Certainly Paul would tell her - and us – to choose carefully: to go through the proper checklists, move slowly, pray for guidance and sober judgment, and seek wise counsel. But then we are free to use our brains, examine our hearts, and select the spouse we feel best suits us. If we choose wisely, under His guidance, God promises the grace, courage, wisdom, and power needed to build our marriages.

If some years later, we second-guess the wisdom of our choice, God says, “Don’t look backward. The decision has been made. Look forward. Face the challenges head on. I’ll walk with you as you build this marriage. If it gets rough, seek help from friends. If you get stuck, see a counselor. But don’t waste time wondering if you missed your one and only. As far as I am concerned, you are married to your one and only. So get on with the task of making your marriage flourish. Turn to Me with humble hearts, and I’ll help you. I’ll give you wisdom and creativity. I’ll teach you to compromise. I’ll fill you with courage. I’ll give you the strength to persevere.”

Hmm, maybe Patrick and Camille should read “Fit to be Tied.” Anyway, I highly recommend these books to you. Even though it’s based on the experiences of American women, Dobson’s book, whether you’re a wife or a husband, will help you understand better what it is like being a woman. As the book says, “Women have needs which men don’t understand.”

I may not agree with all the practices and theology of Bill Hybels, but “Fit To Be Tied” is one of the best books I have ever read on relationships and marriage. Whenever I have a female friend or student contemplating marriage, I would challenge her to read “Fit To Be Tied” especially that part on how a guy engages in “shifting gears” after the wedding. (My favorite chapters of this book are “Getting Lost Along the Way,” “Living in Crisis Mode,” and “Whatever Happened To Romance?”)

Dobson’s book may be a little bit difficult to find in our bookstores here, although Rita, one of my former Advanced Composition students in Bible school told me that Praise House in Panay Avenue, Quezon City, has a lot of Dobson’s books.

You can easily find “Fit To Be Tied” in National Bookstore branches, or in Christian bookstores. Here in Metro Manila, you can go to Back to the Bible Bookstore in West Avenue, QC; PCBS in Cubao in front of Farmers Plaza; and CGM in 13th Avenue, Cubao, near Ali Mall. I think the OMF Lit bookstore is no longer in Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong. Christian Literature Crusade, the company which reprinted “Fit To be Tied,” has a bookstore, I think, in Karuhatan, Valenzuela.