Real relationships: how to make bad relationships better and good relationships great

“Today more than ever, people long for connection.”

This line comes from the best-selling book “Relationships” written by world-renowned marriage counselors Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. The book was first published in 1998, and their words are even more true today, as proved by the dozens of social networking sites on the Internet (like Friendster, Facebook, etc) with hundreds of millions of registered users.

The copy of “Relationships” that I have right now is my second. Several years ago, I gave my first copy to the love of my life. She is the second most beautiful woman in the universe. Who is the most beautiful woman in the universe, you ask? Well, who else but movie actress Angel Locsin!

I have owned and read several other books by Drs. Les and Leslie like “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts,” “Becoming Soul Mates,” and “Questions Couples Ask.” The problem is, I do not have these books with me anymore. I gave the “Questions” book to my former high school yearbook editor Leili as a gift (her wedding picture is in my “Covenant marriage” article). I lent the first two books years ago to Ela, my former Bible college student. Ela is now married to a great husband, and she has recently given birth. But she still has not returned my books. “Ela, isoli mo na ang books ko; kailangan ko na!”

What makes “Relationships” a great read

The book, some 310 pages long including the workbook, is divided into chapters like:

• Our Longing for Belonging
• The Compulsion for Completion
• Keeping the Family Ties from Pulling Strings
• Crossing the Gender Line
• Friends to Die For; What to Do When Friends Fail
• Falling in Love Without Losing Your Mind
• Sex, Lies and the Great Escape
• Breaking Up Without Falling Apart
• Relating To God Without Feeling Phony

Perhaps the most memorable line from the book is on page 27, which goes like this: “When your goal is to be needed, you’re not to going to attract the healthiest of people. Any generic boyfriend or girlfriend will do.”

Lies that sabotage our relationships; how to become whole

In the chapter entitled “The Compulsion for Completion,” Drs. Les and Leslie point out the lies that sabotage our relationships. These lies are (1) “I need this person to be complete” and (2) “If this person needs me, I will be complete.”

Drs. Les and Leslie then provide the ways a person can become whole: (1) Heal your hurts; (2) Take off your mask; (3) Sit in the driver’s seat; and (4) Rely on God.

Taking off your mask; daring to become vulnerable

In the subsection entitled “Take off your mask,” Drs. Les and Leslie say in page 31: “Each of us has a natural, built-in desire to be known, but we often stifle our vulnerability out of fear. We’re afraid of being seen as too emotional or not emotional enough, as too assertive or not assertive enough. We’re afraid of rejection.”  

Drs. Les and Leslie say that, as a consequence, we often wear masks. They quote a deeply moving poem on why people wear masks. This poem has had numerous variations floating around in the Internet and in print publications; it is oftentimes reported as having been written anonymously. But the original version of this poem on masks and emotional vulnerability was written by Charles C. Finn. For the fascinating history of this poem and more of Finn's poetry, you can surf to his website http://www.poetrybycharlescfinn.com/. Below is the original version of the poem by Finn.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.

My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings --
very small wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator --
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

What women need to know about men; what men need to know about women

In the chapter entitled “Crossing the Gender Line,” Drs. Les and Leslie cite the differences between men and women, differences which so often lead to misunderstanding and conflicts.

• Men are not as in touch with their emotions as women are.
• Men are more independent than women are.
• Men are more abstract than women are.
• Women are not as independent as men are.
• Women focus on the here-and-now more than men do.
• Women are not as competitive as men are.

This part of “Relationships” reminds me so much of Dr. James Dobson’s book entitled “What wives wish their husbands knew about women.” In that book, Dr. Dobson hits the nail on the head, so to speak, when he wisely observed: “Women have needs that men do not understand.”

Is life really all about relationships?

The last chapter of their book is entitled “Relating To God Without Feeling Phony” and on page 178, Drs. Les and Leslie (both evangelical Christians) say,

“But if we forget to whom we belong, if we forget that our deepest longing is belonging to God, our compulsion for completion drives us into unhealthy relationships. Without God, selfishness pervades our souls and we are truly alone in an unhallowed world. In a God-aware relationship, however, our souls are ultimately satisfied in a meaningful life of goodness and grace, wholeness and holiness.”

Previously in page 38, Drs. Les and Leslie said, “While our earthly relationships will let us down time and time again, a relationship with God can be counted on to genuinely and fully meet our deepest need for significance.”

I have learned a lot from reading this book by Drs. Les and Leslie, and I highly recommend it to you. Hey, why do you think I bought and read my second copy of this book after I gave the first copy to the love of my life (the second most beautiful woman in the universe)? Who is the most beautiful woman in the universe, you ask again? Well, who else but movie actress Angel Locsin!

I don’t fully subscribe, however, to Drs. Les and Leslie’s analysis of the human condition. I agree with what Ptr. John Piper said in his book “The Pleasures of God” and what Ptr. John Macarthur observed in his book “Our Sufficiency in Christ.” They both said that a man or a woman’s deepest need is not significance but restoration to fellowship with an infinitely holy God, through repentance, confession of sins and accepting Christ’s sacrifice on the cross as our bridge to God. Our relationship with God should not be based on the search for self-significance or the fulfillment of psychological needs.

Well, well, well, relationships, what can be more maddening or more fulfilling? Several of Drs. Les and Leslie’s books have been reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade and are readily available in bookstores (National Bookstore, PCBS, OMF Lit, Back to the Bible, etc). It is Valentine’s Day a few days from today and hey, why don't you surprise the love of your life by giving him or her one or two books by Drs. Les and Leslie?

If you want to know more about Dr. Les and Leslie’s work, you can surf to their “Real Relationships” website. It is a great website with lots of instructional videos on topics such as Children, Health, Communication, In-Laws, Conflict Resolution, Pre-Marital, Divorce, Recreation, Faith, Sex, Finance and Marriage Mentoring.