“Are you ready? Let’s get it on!”

Marriage: The ultimate fighting championship

Several days ago, the mixed martial arts program “Ultimate Fighting Championship” celebrated its historic 100th episode, with fights featuring Brock Lesnar, Frank Mir, Georges St. Pierre, and Tiago Alvez. Years ago, I was hooked on watching reruns of the UFC’s previous tournaments that started in the late 1990’s and featured fighters who since then have become legends in mixed martial arts – Royce Gracie, Ken Shamrock, Kimo, Marco Ruas, Maurice Smith, Mark Coleman, etc.

You see, back in the 1970’s and 80’s, I trained very briefly in martial arts like Modern Arnis, Aikido and a little bit of Kung Fu. At various points in time, I wanted to study Hapkido, Hwa Rang Do, Yaw Yan, Wing Chun, and Pai Lum Kung Fu. Until the middle 1990’s I had dozens of books and magazines on martial arts. For the Mini Press Conference I organized for Rizal High School in Pasig from 1984 up to 1991, I always included, as part of the activities, martial arts exhibitions by groups such as the National Tae Kwon Do Demonstration Team, the UP Tae Kwon Do team, the Wu Shu Federation of the Philippines, and the Arnis Philippines.

Anyway, going back to the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC), I stayed up late on weekends, totally engrossed in the tournament style of fighting that allowed everything – punching with bare knuckles, kicking, head butting, elbow smashes, ramming the knee to the opponent’s face and solar plexus, guillotine chokes, submissions, key locks, arm bars, triangle chokes, etc. A karate black belter could be fighting a Brazilian Ju-jitsu practitioner, or a judoka could be pitted against a boxer, and so on and so forth. There were no weight classes, and so, a puny welterweight could be paired against a 300 pound behemoth. I always got a thrill when the UFC chief referee “Big John” MacArthy would shout to the fighters, “Are you ready? Let’s get it on!”

But the no-holds barred fighting was the early days of the UFC. Later on, weight categories like that in boxing were introduced, fighters had to wear gloves, and certain things were outlawed – head butting, blows to the kidney area, etc. Thus, the tournament officials would always say that the UFC was a sport since the fighting was done within specific rules, weight categories, etc, and was not a free-for-all, no holds barred, everything plus the kitchen sink type of fighting.

From lovers to fighters

I wish I could say the same thing about the way a lot of married couples fight with each other …

I mean, from the stories of people I have counseled over the years, husbands and wives have fought each other, if not physically, then verbally and emotionally in a free-for-all, no holds barred, tit for tat, everything plus the kitchen sink type of fighting. One husband told me that one time when he was suffering from an asthma attack, his wife tried to choke him to death! One couple I know becomes “aerodynamic” whenever they would fight. They would grab hold of plates, bottles, vases, anything they could get their hands on, and hurl these things at each other, with their children helplessly cowering at the sidelines. I’m sure you know of husbands and wives who fight each other verbally and emotionally with insults, threats, ridicule, innuendos, accusations, put-downs and character assassination.

More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence

But not all marital fights I have been told about by my counselees have involved overt violence, whether physical or verbal. Some couples instead engage in silent warfare, with no one acknowledging that problems or tensions do exist, or with one partner avoiding and withdrawing from any discussion of whatever conflicts there may be.

As I told you several weeks ago, I’m reading through the book “A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan. Published by Jossey-Bass Publishers, the book is based on materials, research and a program from the University of Denver known as Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). The program has been extensively reported on by CNN and MNSBC, and by shows such as 20/20, 48 Hours, Good Morning America, Fox News, The Today Show and Oprah.

Dealing with domestic violence
 

Stanley and his co-authors clarify that PREP and their book are not meant to deal with domestic violence. They say that in cases of domestic violence, safety of the abused spouse and/or the children is the foremost consideration. If you want to know more about Republic Act 9262, our country’s landmark law on domestic violence, please read my previous articles like (1) Hope and help for the battered woman, statistics on domestic violence; (2) Salient provisions of RA 9262; (3) Protection Orders; (4) Mediation not applicable to domestic violence cases; (5) Emotional abuse and psychological violence; and (6) Biblical response to spousal abuse.

Ground rules for protecting a marriage from conflict

In Chapter 5 of their book, Stanley and his co-authors discuss the “ground rules for protecting a marriage from conflict.” They first establish certain foundational truths, to wit,

[1] There will be conflict even in a marriage between Christians.

[2] You can choose your reactions to your spouse’s hurtful words or actions. By taking responsibility for own behavior and avoiding “reckless words”, you can create the climate for a great marriage.

About two years ago, I offered to lend my book “Love Busters” by Willard Harley Jr. to a newly married woman. But she refused the offer, saying that she didn’t need to read the book since her marriage was “God-ordained.” I wonder if she still feels the same way after two years of marriage …

The reality of conflicts even in Christian marriages

You see, there will always be conflicts between a man and a woman within the framework of marriage. Genesis 3: 16 says, “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” Some people have said that the expression “thy desire shall be to thy husband” refers to a woman’s sexual desire for her husband, but we know that in a lot of situations that desire isn’t there. Conservative theologians like Woodrow Kroll say (correctly, in my opinion) that Genesis 3:16 should be read in relation to Genesis 4: 7 which states, “If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.” These theologians say that the expression “unto thee shall be his desire” in Genesis 4:7 is similar in words and grammar as Genesis 3:16.

Thus, the proper interpretation of “thy desire shall be unto thy husband” is that there will be conflicts and struggles between a husband and a wife in their sinful state as the woman tries to wrest control over the relationship divinely ordained for the man. (Please read my article on “The Myth of Mutual Submission” for more on this issue.)

B-E-S-T formula for a great marriage

The second foundational truth above sounds very familiar for those of you who have read Dr. Ed Wheat’s “Love Life For Every Married Couple” or Dr. James Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough.” I wrote a review of Dr. Wheat’s B-E-S-T formula for saving your marriage alone entitled “Priceless counsel from a bargain sale book” which you might want to re-read later on.

Stanley and his co-authors propose six ground rules by which couples can handle the inevitable conflicts in marriage and thus help these couples “work as a team to protect and strengthen their marriage.”

Ground Rule No. 1: When conflict begins to escalate, we will call a Time Out and either try talking again, using the Speaker-Listener Technique, or agree to talk later at a specified time about the issue, using the Speaker-Listener Technique.

By “Time Out,” Stanley and his co-authors mean deliberately not discussing a problem right now and setting a definite future time to discuss the problem. The purpose of the “Time Out” is to defuse the explosive situation so that the couple can discuss the problem at a definite time and date when they are both level headed and prepared.

Ground Rule No. 2: When we are having trouble communicating, we will engage the Speaker-Listener Technique.

The “Speaker-Listener Technique” that Stanley and his co-authors discuss in Chapter 3 of their book, is a way by which both spouses take turns in talking about the problem (instead of out shouting and interrupting each other), with the other spouse paraphrasing what the other spouse just said so that it becomes clear that he or she understood correctly what the other said or meant, etc. As James 1: 19 admonishes us, “… let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

As marriage counselors and pastors would say, husbands and wives should learn to bite their tongue. Words recklessly spewed out against a marriage partner can and will tear the very fabric of your marriage. Listen to what the Apostle James says about the tongue in Chapter 3, verses 3 to 12:

3. Behold, we put bits in the horses' mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body.
4. Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth.
5. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!
6. And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.
7. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:
8. But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
9. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.
10. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.
11. Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?
12. Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.

Relational skills for a man: Duck and dodge, bob and weave

Secular psychologist John Gray in his book “Mars and Venus: Together Forever” (copyright 1994, 1996 by J.G. Productions Inc.) tackles in Chapter 5 of his book some skills a man should know and practice whenever he finds himself in a fight with his wife. Gray teaches men how to duck and dodge, bob and weave whenever they are faced with an onslaught of emotions, a barrage of angry words from their wives. He says that when a woman talks out loud and expresses a lot of emotions towards her husband, what she really is doing is processing her thoughts and feelings about the matter or the situation.

In essence, Gray says that today’s women still long for strong men and don’t necessarily want their husbands to fold up and give in to whatever they’re saying. He says that most often, women simply want to feel heard and be considered. (Hey, duck and dodge, bob and weave, these are boxing terms!)

Ground Rule No. 3: When discussing an important issue, we will completely separate Problem Discussion from Problem Solution.

Stanley and his co-authors say that “Problem discussion is about understanding one another. Problem solving is about taking action together.” They warn that a lot of couples rush into decisions in order to avoid conflicts. When the hasty decision doesn’t work out, the couple becomes discouraged. As they point out, Proverbs 18:13 still holds true: “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.”

In Chapter 4 of their book, Stanley and his co-authors state three key assumptions that help couples create stronger marriages. These key assumptions are: [1] All couples have problems; [2] It is best to handle problems as a team; and [3] Rushed solutions are poor solutions.

In Chapter 6, Stanley and his co-authors discuss what they call “hidden issues” which so often underlie fights and disagreements between couples. These hidden issues are: [1] control and power; [2] needing and caring; [3] recognition; [4] commitment; and [5] integrity.

Ground Rule No. 4: We can bring up an issue at any time, but the listener can say “This is not a good time.” If the listener does not want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future (usually within twenty-four to forty-eight hours).
What does Ephesians 4:26 say? “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” Or in paraphrase, husbands and wives should keep short accounts with each other.

Ground Rule No. 5: We will have weekly couple meetings.

Stanley and his co-authors say that couples should deliberately carve time out of their busy schedules and not let anything or anyone interfere with this special time together. They say that this weekly couple meeting acts as a safety valve for the marriage because husbands and wives know that problems won’t be swept under the rug and conveniently forgotten. They further say that couples should always take this time together, if not to discuss problems, then simply to reconnect with one another. Emotional connection is achieved through conversation and the sharing of feelings, thoughts, ideas and plans between a man and a woman.

One time, while I was on an FX taxi on the way to Cubao, I overheard a conversation between the driver and his wife who was seated beside him. When we passed by Ali Mall, the wife began gently asking her husband to take time out and watch a particular movie with her. But the husband curtly replied, “That’s not important and is a waste of time. What’s important is for us to be able to provide food on the table for our kids.”

Well, well, well, that FX taxi driver and a lot of husbands should be reminded of how women measure their marriage. Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, said, “Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.”

Ground Rule No. 6: We will make time for the great things of marriage - fun, friendship, sensuality, and spiritual connection. We will agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.

Well, well, well, there you have it, men and women, six proven ground rules designed to keep the inevitable fights with your spouse within a reasonable and Biblical structure. So the next time you get into a problem or a fight with your spouse, remember and observe these ground rules, okay? Are you ready? Let’s get it on!