The KC-Piolo split: Basic things a woman wants from her husband or boyfriend

KC Concepcion admitted last week in an interview with Boy Abunda that she has broken up with Piolo Pascual. When asked why, KC said in the vernacular, “May mga hinahanap ako na napaka-basic lang na hanapin ng isang babae sa isang boyfriend, sa isang lalaki.” KC refused to reveal details about what these basic things are that a woman wants from her boyfriend. But days or weeks from now, she might feel freer to talk about these things.

Well, I believe Dr. James Dobson, John Eldredge, and Jenet Jacob (in that order) have said better than anyone else what a woman wants from the man in her life. In page 65 of his book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” (Living Books; copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc.), Dr. Dobson says,

Women yearn to be the special sweethearts of their men, being respected and appreciated and loved with tenderness. This is why a homemaker often thinks about her husband during the day and eagerly awaits his arrival home. It explains why their wedding anniversary is more important to her, and why he gets clobbered when he forgets. It explains why she is constantly “reaching” for him when he is at home, trying to pull him out of the newspaper or television set; it explains why ‘Absence of Romantic Love in My Marriage’ ranked so high as a source of depression among women, whereas men would have rated it somewhere in the vicinity of last place. (emphasis by boldfacing supplied)

Next to Dr. Dobson, John Eldredge states in poetically insightful terms what every woman wants. In page 182 of his book “Wild At Heart, Discovering The Secret of a Man’s Soul” (Thomas Nelson Publishers; copyright 2001), Eldredge says:

… the deep cry of a little girl’s heart is am I lovely? Every woman needs to know that she is exquisite and exotic and chosen. This is core to her identity, the way she bears the image of God. Will you pursue me? Do you delight in me? Will you fight for me?

Next to Dr. Dobson and Eldredge, Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, best sums up what women want. She says, “Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.”

Emotional connection is achieved through conversation and the sharing of feelings, thoughts, ideas and plans between a man and a woman. I remember one sermon by Ptr. Chuck Swindoll in his “Insight for Living” radio program where he mentioned that women love it when men show emotional vulnerability, some cracks in their armor.

Most women would say that their number one problem is trying to make their boyfriend or husband open up and share things with them. When it comes to this issue of emotional connection and sharing, most of the time men come out looking like they are more to be blamed than women. As the title of a David Clarke book puts it, “men are clams, women are crowbars.” Women, it seems, are perennially trying, cajoling, pleading, pressuring, nagging their men to open up and share their feelings.

Why KC and Piolo’s relationship didn’t work out: KC is an F while Piolo is a T

Let me guess why KC and Piolo’s relationship didn’t work out. I don’t know much about KC and Piolo; truth to tell, the only entertainers I liked, when they were still child stars, were Nino Muhlach and Aiza Seguerra (okay, okay, I have to add Matet to the list). But it seems that KC is an F (Feeler) while Piolo is a T (Thinker). America’s most beloved family counselor, H. Norman Wright, in his book “Communication: Key To Your Marriage” (published by Regal Books, A Division of Gospel Light) says about F’s and T’s:

One of the most typical relationships that develops is between a male T and a female F. This connection has the most potential for creating divisiveness and long-term problems. T’s need to think about and analyze their emotions. They bring to a marriage emotional control and reserve that can limit intimacy. They want to understand intimacy, not experience it, while an F wants to share openly and experience intimacy.

If a couple doesn’t learn to connect emotionally, they’re at risk for either an affair or a marriage breakup. The bonding material of a marriage is emotional intimacy. F’s hunger for warmth, sharing and closeness, and without this dimension, they can end up feeling lonely. They like the inner strength and security of a T but not the perceived emptiness.

Hmm, KC is beautiful and talented, and she is now free … Do you know her contact numbers?

A promise kept: What are words if you really don’t mean them when you say them …

Summary: Robertson McQuilkin and Chris Medina are marked by great differences in age, career, educational and religious background. Robertson, in his 70’s, is a former missionary to Japan and university president. Chris, in his 20’s, is a long-haired barista, songwriter, band leader, and American Idol Season 10 contestant. Despite their differences, Robertson and Chris are marked by the same remarkable integrity of character. At great personal sacrifice, they are keeping their promise to the woman they love – Muriel for Robertson, Juliana for Chris.

Robertson and Muriel: A promise kept

Twenty one years ago, Rev. Robertson C. McQuilkin left his work as president of Columbia International University in South Carolina to take care of his wife, Muriel, who was suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. Before his work with Columbia, Robertson and Muriel served as missionaries to Japan for 12 years (1956-1968). Their story, chronicled in “A Promise Kept” by Tyndale House Publishers, has inspired countless number of people. You can read online or download the first chapter of the book.

In the video below, you can hear Robertson’s deeply-moving explanation on why he resigned as president to take care of his beloved wife. In an article by David Boehi, Robertson reflects on his life with Muriel:

“As Alzheimer’s slowly locked away one part of my Muriel, then another, every loss for her shut down a part of me. Ministry was changing, of course, from less public to more private. There was another sense of loss, however, an ache deep inside, as I watched my vivacious companion of the years slip from me.

“Even in this loss, however, I made a wonderful discovery. As Muriel became even more dependent on me, our love seeped to deeper, unknown crevices of the heart. Though she never knew what was happening to her, as I cared for her she responded with gratitude and cheerful contentment.

“It was no great effort to do the loving thing for one who was altogether lovable. My imprisonment turned out to be a delightful liberation to love more fully than I had ever known. We found the chains of confining circumstance to be, not instruments of torture, but bonds to hold us closer.

“But there was even greater liberation’s. It has to do with God’s love. No one ever needed me like Muriel, and no one ever responded to my efforts so totally as she. It’s the nearest thing I’ve experienced on a human plane to what my relationship with God was designed to be: God’s unfailing love poured out in constant care of helpless me.

“Surely he planned that relationship to draw from me the kind of love and gratitude Muriel had for her man. Her insatiable —even desperate —longing to be with me, her quiet confidence in my ability and desire to care for her, a mirror reflection of what my love for God should be.”

You can listen to and read about Robertson and Muriel’s life from these resources by Family Life:

Part 1 - My Decision, Part 1: Seminary president Robertson McQuilkin faced the toughest decision of his life. Hear the moving story of how he responded to God and his wife of many years, Muriel. (MP3; PDF)

Part 2 - My Decision, Part 2: When his wife’s health deteriorated, seminary president Robertson McQuilkin came home to care for her. Hear how and why he made this important decision. (MP3; PDF)

Part 3 - My Decision, Part 2: Many things have changed since former seminary president Robertson McQuilkin came home to care for his wife Muriel, who suffered from Alzheimer's. Hear how God met them in their hour of need. (MP3; PDF)

Part 4 - Our Future: If you’re caring for an aging or ill loved one, you’ll find encouragement in the lessons learned and lived by former seminary president Robertson McQuilkin. MP3; PDF)

Chris and Juliana: What are words if you really don’t mean them when you say them …

Chris Medina auditioned for American Idol Season 10 at the suggestion of his fiancée Juliana Ramos. They have been together for eight years and engaged for the last three years. They planned to get married two years after their engagement. But on October 2, 2009 (two months before their wedding) Juliana suffered a traumatic brain injury, severe skull fracture, and multiple fractures to her face in a car accident. She was in a coma for one and a half months. Chris chose to stay in the relationship and since then, together with Juliana’s mother, has been taking care of her.

In an American Idol profile, Chris said, “I was about to make vows just two months from the accident … through thick and thin, till death do us part, in sickness and health, for better or worse. What kind of a guy would I be if I walked out when she needed me most?” Through the Internet, Chris and Juliana’s story has inspired millions of people worldwide. Here in the Philippines, some people organized a benefit program to raise funds for Juliana’s medical expenses.

His single “What Are Words” was released on iTunes after his elimination during Hollywood Week. Rodney “Darkchild” Jerkins, producer of Beyoncé and Britney Spears, wrote the song after he heard Chris and Juliana’s story. The song only reached number 83 in the Billboard charts but according to a Fox News host, it has become a favorite during weddings in the USA.

Three months ago, “What Are Words” became the number 1 hit in Norway; it is now on its 16th week in the Top 20 singles chart. It became number 1 in Singapore last May and number 1 in Sweden as of last week. The music video in YouTube now has over twelve million hits.

For one reason or another, the song resonated with Norwegians, Singaporeans, and Swedes although a lot of them were unaware of Chris and Juliana’s story. Chris said in an interview with NRJ Sweden that in the US, people know his story but not the song; in Sweden, people heard the song first before they learned of his story.

Chris was invited to sing the song for two big concerts in Norway -- School’s Out Festival on June 10 and VG Lista Top 20 Show on June 17. Some 100,000 people attended the latter concert. He returned to Norway last week to sing the song during the funeral of 18-year old Monika Iselin Didriksen. According to Monika’s parents, she was singing the song before she left for Utoya island (where she was shot and killed along with dozens of other youths).

The chorus of the song goes like this:

What are words if you really don’t mean them when you say them

What are words if they’re only for good times and that’s all

When it’s love, yeah you say them out loud

Those words, they never go away

They live on even when we’re gone.

Relationship tips for Lauren Alaina

Okay, okay, I’ve got admit it, I really like Lauren Alaina, Casey Abrams, and Haley Reinhart from American Idol season 10. I’m not really an Idol fan; previous to Season 10, I have seen only about four or five episodes in the previous nine seasons. But I have managed to watch most of the episodes this season. I still think Casey with his upright bass should have won instead of Scotty Mcreery.

(The previous episodes I remember seeing were in Season 1 with Simon Cowell telling a guy with curly hair that he’s got the X-factor; in Season 4 with Bo Bice singing “Time in a Bottle”, Carrie Underwood singing “Angels brought me here”, and the season finale. I remember rushing home to Metro Manila after an RA 9262 “Anti-Violence against Women” seminar I gave in Victoria, Laguna in order to watch the finale.)

Lauren’s a tough 16-year old girl. A week ago, during the Portland stop in the American Idol 2011 summer tour, she fell down the stairs, breaking her left ankle and sustaining a 3rd degree sprain. But she hasn’t missed any of the Idol concerts after her accident. With her left foot in a heavy, protective boot, she has been performing, limping around the stage, sometimes using a cane, and obviously in great pain. Lauren’s grit has inspired the Alainers (as her fans call themselves).

Ever since Lauren and Scotty sang “I told you so” during a results night episode, there have been tons of online buzz about a possible romance between them. They do look and sound great together and their “McLaina” fans can’t get enough of them. But Scotty has set the record straight by saying that they’re only brother and sister. Judging from the way Lauren’s eyes light up when she looks at Scotty and the way Scotty seems to be aloof during their performances, I think it’s a one-way street. Lauren’s romantically interested in Scotty but Scotty sees her only as a sister. Oh, brother!

(It’s like Booth and Brennan in reverse. It’s Season 6 already and Brennan hasn’t responded to Booth’s romantic feelings. When will they ever get together? Hmm, does Scotty have a Hannah back home in North Carolina?)

Lauren and millions of other people who can’t seem to get the attention of the one they love should get their cue from Dr. James Dobson’s bestselling and multi-awarded book “Love Must Be Tough”. This book discusses the tough love approach to marital infidelity but the chapter titled “Loving Toughness for Singles” deals with 16 suggestions on romantic relationships for single men and women.

Dr. Dobson says that the basic principles in human relationships are:

[1] “It is of highest priority to maintain a distinct element of dignity and self-respect in all romantic encounters.”

[2] “We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that which we are stuck.”

In the chapter titled “Loving Toughness for Singles”, Dr. Dobson enumerates 16 suggestions that will help singles to “conform to the principles of loving toughness in matters of the heart.” You can read online the complete suggestions part 1 and part 2 from the Arcamax website. What Lala (as fans call Lauren) should learn and apply in her quest for Scotty’s heart is principle number 6. Dr. Dobson says:

Relationships are constantly being “tested” by cautious lovers who like to nibble at the bait before swallowing the hook. This testing procedure takes many forms, but it usually involves pulling back from the other person to see what will happen. Perhaps a foolish fight is initiated. Maybe two weeks will pass without a phone call. Or sometimes flirtation occurs with a rival.

In each instance, the question being asked is, “How important am I to you, and what would you do if you lost me?” An even more basic issue lies below that one: “How free am I to leave if I want to?” It is incredibly important in these instances to appear poised, secure and equally independent. Do not grasp the other person and beg for mercy. Some people remain single throughout life because they cannot resist the temptation to grovel when the test occurs.

Lauren has already shown her mental and emotional toughness by continuing to perform despite great pain. In her quest for Scotty’s heart, she should exhibit the same toughness and follow Dr. Dobson’s advice of being poised, secure, and independent. Even if Scotty doesn’t seem to be reciprocating her feelings, she should hang tough with dignity and self-respect.

Lauren should give Scotty the space he needs to contemplate a possible relationship with her. Scotty should not feel “obligated” to love her because of the hopes and wishes of their McLaina fans. As Dr. Dobson writes in page 30 of his book, love should not be an obligation but an incredibly wonderful privilege.

Will Lauren ever win Scotty’s heart? Will the Alainers ever get to see a real life McLaina romance? Maybe we’ll find out before American Idol’s season 11 starts airing in January next year.

Now, about Casey and Haley … Ca-ley! Ca-ley!