Lessons in love and life from Miriam Quiambao

Yesterday, after wading through ankle-deep floodwaters along Ortigas Avenue and then having a dinner of spaghetti, warmed over chicken and some Milo, I sat down to read a Marie Claire magazine (Philippine edition) which had Miriam Quiambao on its cover. I did not buy the magazine, okay? My sister brought home this September 2006 issue, okay?

You probably know that Miriam Quiambao represented the Philippines and became first runner-up in the 1999 Miss Universe competition. She became a media celebrity after that, and her idyllic wedding in Boracay to a guy named Claudio was aired on local television. Her marriage has broken up however and she has returned quietly to the Philippines.

In that Marie Claire article written by Lara Parpan, Miriam candidly reveals the reasons why her marriage broke up. Here they are from Parpan’s interview:

• “I prepared for the wedding, not for the marriage.”
  
  
• “I was at that point in my life when I said: ‘Here I am. I’ve achieved my dreams career-wise. What’s next?’ I wanted to have a family …And here came this guy who seemed to fit my ideal – he could provide for me. All women look for someone who can provide for them.”
  
  
• “I wanted to change my husband. I married him for an ideal that I created in my mind. Not for who he was.”
  
  
• “I understand that for a guy, his priority is his work. But I felt neglected at times because when he got home, we didn’t get to talk much. We lacked those deep conversations that really bond couples.”
  
• “The attraction between us was instant and I fell in love. He proposed to me three weeks into the relationship.”
  
• “That’s when we were having difficulties with the long-distance relationship.”

My Family Matters website became online in December 2005 and since that time I have received more than a thousand e-mails and blog comments, mostly from women whose marriages have either already broken up or about to be. Let me share with you some of the things I have said to these women in crisis. Please take note that in this discussion, I do not wish in any way to put Miriam in a bad light or to belittle the heartaches she has gone through.

From Barbara to Miriam

Barbara DeAngelis is a well-known relationships expert whose book “Are You The One For Me?” became a New York Times number one bestseller. I do not subscribe to Barbara’s lifestyle or views but some things she said in her book really make sense in light of Miriam’s experience. For example, Barbara states in page 85 the seven wrong reasons for someone to be in a relationship:

1. Pressure (age, family, friends, etc)
2. Loneliness and desperation
3. Sexual hunger
4. Distraction from your own life
5. To avoid growing up
6. Guilt
7. To fill up emotional or spiritual emptiness

You probably guessed it right. Barbara’s reason number seven applies to Miriam’s case. Miriam had achieved everything she had set her eyes on and what was lacking? Ah yes, a dashing prince, a fairy-tale wedding, a family …

Miriam mentioned that she and her husband, while courting, had a long-distance relationship. Barbara, in page 309, characterizes long-distance relationships as a Toxic Time Bomb. She says, “The goal of two lovers in a ‘normal’ relationship should be to become more loving and intimate with one another. The goal of two long-distance lovers becomes to see each other.”

Miriam also said she and her husband lacked deep conversations and emotional bonding. Barbara states in page 197 nine fatal flaws to watch out for in a partner. Number seven in her list? “Emotionally unavailable.”

The cuddle chemicals

Miriam also stated that she and Claudio fell in love instantly and that her husband proposed to her three weeks into the relationship. At this point, you probably should read my article “Love Potion No. 9” where I discussed what the so-called “cuddle chemicals” are and how they impact our relationships. These chemicals are dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. Vincent du Vigneaud won the 1955 Nobel Prize in Chemistry when he discovered, isolated and synthesized oxytocin and vasopressin.

Secular writer Eve Salinger says that, at the beginning stages, when a man and woman start getting attracted to each other, the human brain produces increasing levels of “dopamine” and “norepinephrine” that create feelings of exhilaration and lovesickness. Salinger says that as the romantic relationship loses its initial exhilarating buzz, “dopamine” and “norepinephrine” are replaced by “vasopressin” and “oxytocin” which promote bonding or a warm, fuzzy feeling between the man and the woman.

These chemicals are reactive, meaning they don’t just kick into our systems for no reason at all and hold us hostage to their effects. There’s always first a stimulus - food, a breathtaking scenery, an attractive guy (okay, okay, you can use me as an example!) – that sets these chemicals into action. In one study for example, when women in good marriages were asked to think about their husbands, the oxytocin levels in their blood increased. The stimulus was the pleasing thoughts about their husbands, and the effect was increased oxytocin levels.

What are the practical applications for you in knowing all these things about the cuddle chemicals? Well, when you meet someone attractive and interesting (okay, okay, if you insist, you can use me again for an example!), the sparks will start flying but that’s only because of dopamine kicking into your system. Don’t jump to the conclusion that you’re truly falling in love. Give yourself time (lots of it!), and in a more stable emotional climate, you can better evaluate what your feelings are for that person. The exhilarating, romance-filled days will not last. That’s because, as researchers in neurochemistry say, the dopamine-fueled hyperactivity can damage the brain.

One, two, three …

 In her Marie Claire interview, Miriam stated that she and Claudio had only known each other for about a year when they got married. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot in their book “Relationships” point out that the lifetime of most romantic relationships is only about two years, with a break-up occurring on the third year. Why? Well, they say that a man and a woman in the first year of their relationship are blind to the faults and defects of each other. Reality only sets in during the second year of the relationship, and the couple begins to notice the negatives in their partner’s attitudes, character, and personality.

So how do you find true love?
 
Radio Bible Class has a booklet entitled “How Can I Know Who To Marry?” that discusses steps for choosing the right partner in life and marriage. Available in print or online, this article by Kurt de Haan uses the Old Testament example of Isaac and Rebekah in helping people discover who the right man or woman is. It’s a great read and I recommend it to you.

The only problem however is that, if you are familiar with Isaac and Rebekah’s story, they started out so well and yet, decades later into their married life, they ended up favoring one child over another, with Rebekah deliberately fooling a blind Isaac into giving Jacob the birthright that belonged to Esau.

Loving toughness for singles

One book that I have read several times and which I have recommended to people who have asked me for help is Dr. James Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough.” In a chapter entitled “Loving Toughness for Singles” (pages 201 to 213) Dr. Dobson discusses sixteen suggestions that will help unmarried men and women to conform to the principles of loving toughness in matters of the heart. Number one in Dr. Dobson’s list (and which you know by now, applies to Miriam’s case) goes like this: “Don’t let the relationship move too fast in its infancy. The phrase ‘too hot not to cool down’ has validity. Take it one step at a time.”

Earlier on in this chapter, Dr. Dobson stated, “It is of highest priority to maintain a distinct element of dignity and self-respect in all romantic encounters. I have observed that many relationships suffer from a failure to recognize a universal characteristic of human nature. We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that which we are stuck. We lust for the very thing which is beyond our grasp; we disdain that same item when it becomes a permanent possession.”

Making marriage last a lifetime

I have cited the book “Fit To Be Tied” by Bill and Lynn Hybels numerous times in this blog . As I have said before, I do not agree with a lot of Bill Hybels’s theology and methodology. In terms of relationships and marriage, however, “Fit To Be Tied” is probably the best book that I have ever read. I highly recommend it to you, whether you are single, engaged to be married, or already married. I wish that Miriam had read this book before she had gotten married.

I love “Fit To Be Tied” so much that I have already bought three paperback editions of this book. I gave the first two copies to friends as wedding gifts and the third copy is circulating among my Bible school students. I have a hardbound edition of this book, which I bought from a second hand stall in SM Centerpoint two years ago. I am planning to give this book as a gift to the love of my life. She is the second most beautiful woman in the universe. The most beautiful woman in the universe is, of course, Angel Locsin.

Wishing Miriam well

If I remember correctly, Miriam slipped and fell during the Miss Universe competition. But she picked herself up and moved on to win as first runner-up. Miriam’s marriage has broken up, but she has picked herself up and is moving on. Miriam says in the last part of that Marie Claire article, “I’m now learning to love myself, respect myself and honor my preferences. I don’t have to change myself for someone else. I just have to be comfortable with who I am, warts and all.”

Well, well, well, lessons in love and life from Miriam Quiambao. Perhaps the profoundest thing I can ever say to Miriam is, “Go, girl!”