Please do not be fooled by the mask I wear … Please hear what I’m not saying

I took this picture some fifteen years ago during a choral interpretation competition in Rizal High School in Pasig City, Philippines. This school was once credited in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the world’s largest high school, with its total population at one point in time reaching up to 26,000 students. Several years ago, however, the school’s annexes became independent schools and the population of the main campus dwindled to around 8,000.

Anyway, you will notice that the faces of the students in this picture (except for about two students) are masked by dramatic make-up that complements their all-black attire. A selection that is appropriate for this picture is the poem “Please Hear What I’m Not Saying.” This poem has had several variations floating around in the Internet and in print publications, oftentimes reported as having been written anonymously. But the original version of this poem was written by Charles C. Finn. For more of his poetry, please visit Finn's website. Below is the original version of the poem as written by Finn.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.

My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings --
very small wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator --
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

Oftentimes, because of the fear of rejection and of being hurt (again!), we hold back from saying what we really think and feel for another person. I remember the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding" starring Julia Roberts. The character played by Julia had always been in love with her male best friend but she just could not take the risk of telling him what she really felt. Until the time came when her best friend was engaged to be married (to a character played by Cameron Diaz).

When Julia’s character and her best friend were on a leisurely trip in a boat, she thought about revealing to her best friend what she really felt. If I remember her lines correctly, she said, “Sometimes you just have to seize the moment and say out loud what you really feel. Otherwise, the moment will just pass you by.” But the moment came and went for Julia’s character and she just could not risk saying that she really was in love with him.

The Bible puts it very succinctly, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.”