“Love and Respect”

More than 30,000 unique and repeat visitors from 37 countries around the world have browsed my Family Matters website (it became online in December 2005. The second most browsed page of the site is that of the Family Code provisions on marriage. I wish I could say that the reason for this is that Filipinos esteem highly the institution of marriage. The facts and statistics, however, indicate that marriage is an endangered institution in the Philippines.

• The DSWD has reported that 40% of couples in CALABARZON are merely living in. That translates to about 90,000 couples who either do not believe in the institution of marriage or who are married to persons other than their current partners.
• According to some media reports, there are more than 400 annulment cases filed every month all over the country. Because of the high costs of getting a marriage annulled, a lot more couples are simply living apart from each other without going through any legal process.

It saddens me to say also that the number one question I have been asked by the more than 500 people who have e-mailed me for legal information is how a marriage can be annulled or declared null and void.

(Legally speaking, “annulment” refers to voidable marriages while “declaration of nullity” refers to void marriages. When Article 36 of the Family Code or psychological incapacity is used as a ground, the judicial process is not “annulment” but “declaration of nullity”.)

“Did they live happily ever after? No, they got married.”

There is a joke which goes this way: A young girl came home after school. When asked by her mother what she learned that day, she excitedly began talking all about their lesson on Snow White, the seven dwarfs, and the handsome prince. Since the mother had a lot of things to do and already knew the story, she interrupted her daughter and asked, “And so what happened, did they live happily ever after?” The little girl answered, “No, that’s not what happened. They got married!”

Wedding bells still keep ringing

Okay, okay, I know some of you are wondering what the joke about Snow White and her prince is all about. Despite the dreary statistics on live-in relationships and annulment cases, 95% of today's singles still deeply desire to be married, as Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott report in their book “Relationships”. As John Eldredge put it in his book “The Journey of Desire,” men and women were created for intimacy. Or as the Bible puts it, “Marriage is honourable unto all.”

More Filipinos get married in May than any other month

On Sunday nights after the worship service at Baptist Bible Church (Sta. Mesa), I usually take the LRT train from V. Mapa to Santolan. By the time the train gets to Gilmore, I usually look to the left where I can see the lights and tables and decorations and cars and people at an open sided island-like structure near the Mt. Carmel Church. Hmm, another wedding is taking place ...

Contrary to popular belief, however, more Filipinos get married in May than in June. According to a 2006 National Statistics Office report, there were 593,553 weddings in 2003. The “marry-est” months of the year for Filipinos are May with over 2,000 weddings daily, followed by December and January. August registered the lowest number of weddings. Why? Most probably because August is the rainiest month of the year.

What the world needs now is love ... and what else?

For those of you getting married this month or contemplating marriage sometime soon, I highly recommend the book “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Emerson was a pastor for some twenty years but has since 1999 been conducting, with his wife Sarah, seminars on marriage for audiences worldwide. The thesis for his book and seminars is found in Ephesians 5:33 which says, “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” As Emerson explains in his “Love and Respect” website,

”You may remember how the Beatles sang, ‘All you need is love.’ I absolutely disagree with that conclusion. Five out of ten marriages today are ending in divorce because love alone is not enough. Yes, love is vital, especially for the wife, but what we have missed is the husband's need for respect. This Love and Respect message is about how the wife can fulfill her need to be loved by giving her husband what he needs -- respect. And the husband can fulfill his need to be respected by giving his wife what she needs -- love. Does this always work? No. But if one is married to a person of good will, I would bet the farm that it would work!”

Without love, she reacts without respect; without respect, he reacts without love


What Emerson teaches based on Ephesians 5:33 is that love is the wife’s deepest need and that respect is the husband’s deepest need. But the problem couples encounter in their marriage is what Emerson calls “The Crazy Cycle”. Without receiving love from her husband, a wife reacts without respect. Without receiving respect from his wife, a husband reacts without love. And “The Crazy Cycle” goes round and round …

Emerson’s website offers two videos explaining what the Crazy Cycle is all about. You can either download it to your computer or view it in your browser.

Breaking out of “The Crazy Cycle”


Emerson discusses in his book two other cycles which he calls “The Energizing Cycle” and “The Rewarded Cycle”. In “The Energizing Cycle”, he advises husbands and wives that “his love motivates her respect, and her respect motivates his love.”
 
In the “The Rewarded Cycle”, Emerson states that a husband should love his wife regardless of her respect (or lack of it), and that a wife should respect her husband regardless of his love (or lack of it). Okay, okay, I know “The Rewarded Cycle” sounds like Mission Impossible to you. Well, just read Emerson's book and find out how a husband can truly love or how a wife can truly respect regardless of what his or her partner is dishing out.

Acronyms for a great marriage

In several chapters of his book, Emerson discusses his acronyms for a great marriage: C-O-U-P-L-E-S and C-H-A-I-R-S. The C-O-U-P-L-E-S acronym is meant to familiarize men with what their wives need and how to show love to their wives. It stands for Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty and Esteem.

On the other hand, the C-H-A-I-R-S acronym sums up for women how they can show their respect for their husbands, and stands for Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship and Sexuality.

Emerson’s website also offers several i-Pod downloads and free web videos like How Can I Respect That?, I Can Never be Good Enough, Pink & Blue, Cracking the Code, Tough Love, and He doesn't Deserve It!

Emerson’s book (reprinted in the Philippines by the Church Strengthening Ministry and readily available in OMF Lit, Back to the Bible Bookstore, PCBS and National BookStore) is a little bit expensive at 350 pesos, but hey, if you want a great marriage, 350 pesos is nothing, right?

So if you are getting married this January or sometime soon, I suggest that you go and buy Emerson’s book and browse his website, so that you can live happily, even after marriage, okay? okay?