The Amy Perez case: Psychological incapacity in annulment of marriages

“An unsatisfactory marriage, however, is not a null and void marriage.”

More than a week ago , our early evening news cum entertainment shows on Channels 2 and 7 reported that the Supreme Court turned down with finality Amy Perez’s petition to have her marriage to musician Brix Ferraris annulled on the basis of psychological incapacity. Pops Fernandez and Martin Nievera, Aiko Melendez and Jomari Yllana, Benjie Paras and Jackie Forster (?), Alma Moreno and Joey Marquez … these are just some of our entertainment personalities who had their marriages successfully declared void on the basis of “psychological incapacity” as provided for by Article 36 of our Family Code.

So what happened to their fellow entertainer Amy Perez’s petition? Read more about psychological incapacity as a ground for declaring a marriage void in my “Legal Updates” blog.

Boundaries in Marriage

As a grade school student in the 1960’s, I grew up quite confused as to whether I resided in the town of San Juan or of Mandaluyong.

You see, the huge compound where I grew up, owned by a Chinese family, was partly in San Juan and partly in Mandaluyong. The main gate opened up to a road that had a crack, a depression in the pavement that marked the boundary between Mandaluyong and San Juan. The road crew cemented only that part of the road that belonged to Mandaluyong. Later on, the San Juan municipal government cemented the other part of the road that belonged to it.

To add to my confusion, although the address we officially used was “San Juan,” my older sisters and I studied in Mandaluyong Elementary School. I remember early mornings, my mother would accompany my older sisters and me to school as we walked several kilometers a day, down Shaw Boulevard, up at A. Bonifacio, then turn left either at Hagdang Bato or A. Luna, and then finally down the road between the San Felipe Neri church and the school (from where I graduated in 1969).

My older sisters went to either Jose Rizal College in Mandaluyong or in EARIST Nagtahan, Manila for their high school studies. But the 4-year scholarship that my elementary school awarded me sent me to the Rizal High School in Pasig. Back then, the school was better known as the “Rizal Provincial High School.” I remember the first time I traveled alone to this school. What kept turning in my young mind was that I was going to a province and I didn’t know what the language there was! I remember passing by the “Rizal Provincial Hospital” and I took that as the boundary between the province of Rizal and wherever I lived (San Juan or Mandaluyong).

Boundaries in law and in the Bible

Boundaries are important, not only for a confused grade schooler, but for society at large. There are numerous court cases where the point of contention is where one property begins and where another ends. Blood feuds begin and lives are lost, when one party encroaches upon another person’s property.

Our Revised Penal Code, for example in Article 313 penalizes altering boundaries or landmarks. The law says, “Any person who shall alter the boundary marks or monuments of towns, provinces, or estates, or any other marks intended to designate the boundaries of the same, shall be punished by arresto menor or a fine not exceeding 100 pesos, or both.” The term "arresto menor" refers to a penalty of imprisonment for 30 days.

The word “boundaries” can take on meanings other than the physical. For example, Proverbs 22: 28, in relation to Deuteronomy 19:14, states, to wit, “Remove not the ancient landmark, which thy fathers have set.” The primary meaning of course here is respecting the boundaries of each person’s property. But preachers have oftentimes used this verse to refer to values or beliefs that ought to be followed, not because they’re ancient, but because time and events have proved their efficacy.

Boundaries in marriage

Several years ago, while browsing at National Bookstore in Shangri-la Crossing, my attention was caught by a book entitled “Boundaries in Marriage.” The title intrigued me so much. I thought, “Doesn’t the Bible teach that when a man and a woman marry, they become one flesh? Doesn’t creating boundaries in marriage pander to a person’s self-interest and self-centeredness, thus creating not unity but conflicts and divergence between a husband and a wife?” (Now you know growing up confused whether I lived in San Juan or Mandaluyong has really messed up my mind about boundaries!)

Anyway, I bought the book. Curiosity got the better of me and since the book was a Philippine reprint by Christian Literature Crusade, it cost only around one hundred eighty pesos, if I remember correctly. (I’m not only confused about boundaries, I’m also a cheapskate!)

“Boundaries in Marriage” (copyright 1999; Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan) was co-authored by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, marriage counselors and popular seminar speakers in the US. They define “boundary” as a property line that defines where something ends and something else begins.

Since this book was written after their “Boundaries: How To Say Yes, How To Say No, To Take Control of Your Life,” Cloud and Townsend spend the first chapter of this book reviewing their concepts and teachings about boundaries. For example, in page 17, Cloud and Townsend state the importance of boundaries:

While many dynamics go into producing and maintaining love, over and over again one issue is at the top of the list: boundaries. When boundaries are not established in the beginning of a marriage, or when they break down, marriages break down as well. Or such marriages don’t grow past the initial attractions and transform into real intimacy. They never reach the true “knowing” of each other and the ongoing ability to abide in love and to grow as individuals and as a couple – the long-term fulfillment that was God’s design. For this intimacy to develop and grow, there must be boundaries.

(I remember reading something Dr. James Dobson wrote in “Love Must Be Tough” ascribing the strength and longevity of his marriage to him and his wife always “defending the line of respect” between them.)

Ten Laws of Boundaries

In Chapter 2, Cloud and Townsend enumerate and elucidate on what they call as the “Ten Laws of Boundaries.” These laws, discussed in pages 37 to 59, are the following:

1. The Law of Sowing and Reaping: Our actions have consequences.

2. The Law of Responsibility: We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.

3. The Law of Power: We have power over some things; we don’t have power over others (including changing people).

4. The Law of Respect: If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.

5. The Law of Motivation: We must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes.

6. The Law of Evaluation: We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others.

7. The Law of Proactivity: We take action to solve problems based on our values, wants and needs.

8. The Law of Envy: We will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries onto what others have.

9. The Law of Activity: We need to take the initiative in setting our limits rather than be passive.

10. The Law of Exposure: We need to communicate our boundaries to each other.

Core values in setting boundaries in marriage

What takes up the bulk of the book (which is replete with real-life examples of couples in crisis due to the lack of boundaries) is Cloud and Townsend’s discussion of values. In page 108, the authors clarify the importance of values:

Your values are the ultimate boundaries of your marriage. They form it, protect it, and give it a place to grow. They dictate what the nature of the relationship is going to be, what it is not going to be allowed to grow there, as well as what is going to be c\sought after and maintained. The values of your relationship become like the frame of a house; they give it shape. What you value determines the kind of relationship you most likely will have in the end. For if you will hold these things up high, esteem them and pursue them as a couple, we believe you will be building your relationship on solid ground.

The “values” that Cloud and Townsend value the most are the following:

1. Love of God

2. Love of Your Spouse

3. Honesty

4. Faithfulness

5. Compassion and Forgiveness

6. Holiness

Further on in their book, Cloud and Townsend state the importance of values in setting boundaries and in building a good marriage. They say,

In marriage, if you focus on what you want and desire and just stay angry and disappointed that you are not getting it, you will remain there. But if you focus on cultivating the garden instead of demanding the fruit, then your garden will yield a huge harvest.

So it is with values …. Work on them. Stand against anything in yourself or your spouse that would destroy them. This is righteous indignation, and your marriage may depend on it. But also, do everything to increase the presence of these things. Give time, money, energy, focus, and other resources to developing the love of God and each other, honesty, faithfulness, compassion, forgiveness, and holiness. Pursue them with everything the two of you can muster. They will not fail you in the end.

Part of the graphic design on the back cover of Cloud and Townsend’s book states, “It takes two individuals to become one flesh.” Remember my question about boundaries and two persons becoming one flesh? Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot perhaps explain best what this quotation means in their book “Relationships.” They say that the fundamental principle in finding fulfillment in relationships is this “If you try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of identity on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself.”

You can read more about “boundaries” in Cloud and Townsend’s website. They have also written “Boundaries in Dating“ and “Boundaries with Kids.”

Boundaries and a friend’s broken romance

For about fourteen years, I worked as a journalism teacher and schoolpaper adviser, first in Quezon City Science High School and then in Rizal High School. In my work as a teacher, I had the privilege and pleasure of working with teenagers on the verge of adulthood, and because press work demanded a lot of time, work and effort together, I became close with several of my staffers. I became friends with one female staffer, in particular, and all throughout her college years and even when she started working, we kept in touch through letters and phone calls.

Several years ago, she called me up and said that she and her boyfriend were already contemplating marriage, since they were both in the middle 20’s already. She asked me to shoot her wedding pictures which she said would be in a garden setting. I said yes and asked her when the wedding would be. She said she will just contact me again and say when and where.

Several months after that call however, she called me up again, and said that she had broken up with her boyfriend. She then told me about how their relationship of several years had been like. Whenever they would have an argument or misunderstanding, her boyfriend would remain aloof and uncommunicative for weeks. They would meet in church, or the guy would escort her home, but remain silent all the time. After a lengthy period of time, her boyfriend would then say that everything’s now okay, and they would have good times again. She said that she tried to understand and bear with her boyfriend’s ways and moods. But as time went by, she said, the question that gnawed upon her mind was that, “If this is the way we are as girlfriend and boyfriend, how would our life be as husband and wife?”

Needless to say, my friend endured the heartache of a romance and a relationship that she had deliberately ended. I don’t know if she had ever read Cloud and Townsend’s book, but I would say that she may have intuitively known what boundaries are and that she had failed to establish them in her relationship. I don’t know what’s happening to my friend now. We just keep in touch by text messages three or four times a year. But I would dare say that she can look back to her broken relationship and say that she had become a better person because she established the right boundary.

Well, well, well, boundaries. I wish I could say that decades after my grade school days, I’m no longer confused about boundaries. But now I live in a corner of Pasig that’s only a stone’s throw away from Cainta. In fact, the first three numbers of our telephone are for homes and offices in the Cainta area. So where am I residing – Pasig or Cainta? Help!

Oldies but Goodies

Last Tuesday, I went to the OMF Lit bookstore (it’s got a brand new building) in Boni Avenue corner EDSA to look for a copy of Dannah Gresh’s book on sexual purity before and during marriage entitled “And The Bride Wore White.” I have been told several months before that the book would be available by June at a price of three hundred fifty pesos, but the girl at the counter said that OMF didn’t have copies of the book yet. So, I just browsed through the books on bargain sale. I saw the book “The Art of Understanding Your Mate” by Cecil G. Osborne and didn’t really hesitate buying it since it was priced at only a hundred fifty pesos.

Coming home after that, I got caught in a heavy downpour. and so to avoid the flash floods, I again browsed through the second hand bookstore at Ever Gotesco Ortigas. There I bought the books “Aftershock: What to do when leaders and others fail you” by Ted Kitchens (priced at Php 90.00) and “Discovering The Heart of A Man” by Ken Nair (priced at only Php 60.00). Summing up the costs, 150 + 90 + 60 is three hundred pesos. Hey, I was within my budget!

Osborne’s book (by Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan) was published way back in 1970, some 36 six years ago! Back in 1970, bell bottom pants and long hair were the norm for men; the rock group Led Zeppelin ruled the airwaves; martial law had not yet been declared; and I was a second year high student in Rizal High School in Pasig. Those were the days, my friend! As the song went, “We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun …”

Proof of the book’s antiquity was Osborne’s statistics on divorce in the USA found in page 9. Osborne says, “Yet ninety percent of Americans marry, and the divorce rate is less disturbing when we remember that only a small fraction are repeat divorces, that two out of three divorced persons remarry, and nine tenths of those remain married.” Well, 1970 was only a year after California enacted the first no-fault divorce law in the US and since then almost all the states have passed similar no-fault divorces. Needless to say, the divorce rate has zoomed and today is at a far greater rate than the statistics provided by Osborne.

(There is a controversy as to exactly what the divorce rate is in the US, with figures ranging from a low of 25% to a high of 50%. Here in the Philippines, it has been reported that some 400 annulment cases are filed every month all over the country, with presumably a lot more people simply splitting up without going through judicial proceedings because of the high legal costs. The DSWD has reported that in the CALABARZON area, some 40% of couples are merely living in. The percentage translates into some 90,000 couples. Either these couples are first timers who simply do not believe in legalizing their marriage, or they are previously married and because of the legal impediments, are now just living in with their present partners.)

Nair’s book, on the other hand, was published in 1986, or some 20 years ago. That year saw the first EDSA Revolution, which ended the Marcos dictatorship. Nair narrates one incident where he asked a friend (a radio announcer) to air some special greetings he had for his wife and children. He narrates that one of his children wasn’t tuned in to the radio and so missed his heartwarming greetings.

Well, in 1986, people didn’t have any e-mail, SMS, Instant Messaging, and 3-G cellphones. You might remember that IBM had just introduced the personal computer in the early 1980’s and the operating system was MS-DOS version 2, I think. Windows was then just a gleam in Bill Gates’ eyes. My very first computer was a Texas Instruments TI-99/4A which had 28K memory. My journalism students from Rizal High School back in 1987 and I had to hook up that computer to a color television set to learn some BASIC programming. From time to time, the students had to manually fan the TV so it wouldn’t overheat. Those were the days, my friend!

I have been told by publishers and editors that books only have a lifetime of about five years or less, and after that, have to be rewritten in order to incorporate new information and research. But to my mild surprise, browsing through Osborne and Nair’s books, the things they said in their books seem to be up-to-date and quite relevant, even in 2006. As the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes says, “There is nothing new under the sun.” Or could it be that human nature being what it is, Osborne and Nair’s observations and conclusions remain substantially valid even up to this day. As Jeremiah 13:23 says, “Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil.”

Probably the most interesting parts of Osborne’s book are the Ten Commandments for wives (Chapter 8) and for husbands (Chapter 9). Here are Osborne’s commandments for wives:

1. Learn the real meaning of love.

2. Give up your dreams of a “perfect marriage” and work toward a “good marriage.”

3. Discover your husband’s personal, unique needs and try to meet them.

4. Abandon all dependency upon your parents and all criticism of his relatives.

5. Give praise and appreciation instead of seeking it.

6. Surrender possessiveness and jealousy.

7. Greet your husband with affection instead of complaints or demands.

8. Abandon all hope of changing your husband through criticism or attack.

9. Outgrow the princess syndrome.

10. Pray for patience.

In case men have puffed up feelings and a smug attitude about themselves, Osborne follows up immediately with his Ten Commandments for men. Here they are:

1. Treat your wife with strength and gentleness.

2. Give ample praise and reassurance.

3. Define the areas of responsibility.

4. Avoid criticism.

5. Remember the importance of “little things.”

6. Recognize her need for togetherness.

7. Give her a sense of security.

8. Recognize the validity of her moods.

9. Cooperate with her in every effort to improve your marriage.

10. Discover her particular, individual needs and try to meet them.

Except for Osborne’s constant use of the term “neurotic,” his book has, as you can see from the commandments above, a lot of valid things to say to husbands and wives today, despite having been written some 36 years ago. As the saying goes, it’s an oldie, but it’s also a goodie.

Nair, on the other hand, discusses certain facts about men throughout the twelve chapters of his book. These facts are:

1. When it comes to being a truly Christian husband, most men honestly are not aware that there is a difference between their own ideals and those concepts set forth by God.

2. Blaming his wife, even for his own faults, is normal for the average man.

3. Most men have an ungodly natural disposition towards women that is basically negative and suspicious.

4. In most cases, men do not have the slightest idea how they are emotionally affecting their wives.

5. Many men think they are very tolerant and should be commended for exercising so much patience in the face of their wives’ continuously trying and disagreeable natures.

6. It is almost unheard of for men to naturally identify with the emotions of others.

7. Men do not seem to know that God created women to enhance each man’s life.

8. Most men think that survival is based only on protecting the body.

9. A wife is usually much more in touch with her husband’s spirit than he is.

10. Marriage relationships, directed by natural-to-human tendencies (without God’s direction) will naturally get worse.

You have probably heard the statement, “The more things change, the more they remain the same.” Nair’s observations about men are basically true, no matter what decade we may be talking about. His “facts” are repeated in some other form in recent books by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Willard Harley Jr, Gary Chapman, and other experts in relationships and marriage. Truly, there is nothing new under the sun, the leopard can’t change his spot nor the Ethiopian his skin. Human nature (or men’s outlook and behaviors) have remained the same despite the advances in technology and the changes in society and culture.

Before you get the idea that Nair is into bashing his own gender, he also wrote a book entitled “Discovering The Heart of A Woman” where presumably he discusses the “facts” about women. Hey, I’d like to get my hands on this book! But it’s got to be priced at only fifty pesos or less. That’s all the money I have left from my original Php 350.00 that I had last Tuesday. Hmm, let me see, what other second hand bookstores can I go to?

Hope and help for the battered woman (5): Biblical response to abuse; evangelical Christians are best husbands – University of Virginia study

Related posts from Legal Updates blog: Hope and help for the battered woman (2): RA 9262 essential provisions Hope and help for the battered woman (3): RA 9262 Protection Orders Hope and help for the battered woman (4): Emotional abuse or psychological violence The “Battered Woman Syndrome” as defense Mediation not applicable to domestic violence cases

How should individual Christians, pastors and churches respond to the issue of spousal abuse?

James Alsdurf (author of “Battered Into Submission: The Tragedy of Wife Abuse,” by InterVarsity Press) conducted a survey of nearly 6,000 Protestant pastors in the US and Canada on what to do in cases of spousal abuse. Twenty five percent of the pastors surveyed said that the wife should submit to her husband and trust that God would honor the action either by stopping the abuse or giving her the strength to endure it.

I have previously written on the issues of submission, divorce and remarriage. In particular, I recounted the tragic and true story of Lucy Tisland (discussed in Alsdurf’s book cited above). Please do take the time to read these articles, if you haven’t done so yet.

I also recommend that you read the following articles which discuss how the church should confront the issue of wife battering.

A. “When Violence Comes Home” by David Sper, Radio Bible Class Ministries;

B. “Abuse and Domestic Violence” by Probe Ministries;

C. “Rocking the Roles” by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks, Navpress, especially Chapter 22 :The Church: A Refuge for Women” and Chapter 23 “Church Intervention: A Case Study”

In answer to the question I began this article with, please let me state the following:

1. I wholeheartedly agree with the view of David Eckert of Wheaton College on spousal abuse in his article entitled “Spousal Abuse and the Church: The Impact of the Fall on Gender Relations.” Eckert says that “physically, verbally and emotionally abusing one’s wife is not in keeping with a marital love centered on Christ.” As to the rest of Eckert’s article, I take some strong exceptions.

2. I also endorse the view of Lewis and Hendricks in their book “Rocking the Roles” specifically page 135. They say that “a Biblically submissive wife’s focus is not on enabling wrong behavior but on empowering her husband to pursue right behavior.”

3. The RBC Ministries article cited above suggests programs of action and practical actions that pastors, counselors and churches can do to provide help for women in abusive relationships. Except for the article’s view on divorce, I recommend this article to pastors and counselors as a model for their own response and intervention programs for victims of abuse.

4. As one Probe Ministries article puts it, “We must distinguish between an abusive relationship and an unfulfilling relationship.” Or as I mentioned in one RA 9262 seminar I conducted for a church, “We must end the abuse and save the marriage.”

No one, not even an abusive husband, is beyond God’s redeeming grace.

5. Spousal abuse is a sin, and as such, must be dealt with in keeping with Matthew 18, in situations where the spouses concerned are members of the church. The Probe Ministries article I cited above discusses this action in greater detail.

6. Spousal abuse is not only a sin, but also a crime punishable under RA 9262. Since Romans 13 commands us to be subject to the higher powers, pastors and church counselors cannot close their eyes, send the abused woman back into the abusive situation, and hope for the best. God’s miracle and protection for the abused woman have already been provided for in laws such as RA 9262. Pastors and counselors should therefore be familiar with the provisions of this law in order to ably counsel abused women on their rights.

I do have reservations about RA 9262. In a future post, I will discuss how the Supreme Court guidelines for judges and lawyers seem to have softened quite a bit some of the “harsh” provisions of RA 9262.

Evangelical Christians are the best husbands – University of Virginia study

W. Bradford Wilcox, a sociology professor at University of Virginia, states in his book “Soft Patriarchs, New Men: How Christianity Shapes Fathers and Husbands” categorically states:

“Religion is a powerful influence in creating the best kind of husbands and dads. Indeed, the home of an active conservative Protestant father seems to be one of the safest places for women and children today.”

Wilcox, a Roman Catholic whose father and grandfather were Episcopal ministers, cited data from the large scale National Survey of Families and Households taken in the early 1990s. He says that “the lowest rate of reported domestic violence is among active evangelical husbands. Only 2.8 percent of active evangelical protestant husbands commit domestic violence, compared to 7.2 percent of nominal evangelical husbands – those who attend church once or twice a year or not at all.”
Wilcox, in a 2004 Christianity Today interview with David LeBlanc, argues that “religion domesticates men, helping them focus on their families.” He explains further:

“Familism is the idea that the family is one of the paramount institutions in our society and that persons should take seriously their responsibilities to their spouse, children and parents. Familism is associated, for instance, with strong support for the marital vow and hence, with a high level of disapproval for divorce. Evangelicals register the highest levels of familism of any major religious group in the United States, with the possible exception of the Mormons.”

John Bartkowski, professor of sociology at Mississippi State University, in an article by Jonah D. King from the Religion News Service, says that “the male peer group in a church serves to keep fathers and husbands in line, reminding them of their responsibilities.”

In the same article, Dean Russell Moore of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Kentucky, citing Wilcox’s book, slams feminist groups by saying that “a hierarchical family structure with men at the top fosters a more harmonious family life … The very fathers who hold to traditional gender roles are also the ones who seem to be so committed to their wives and their children.”
Jenet Jacob, a social fellow at The Heritage Foundation, in her review of Wilcox’s book, states:

“Wilcox effectively discredits the assertion that conservative Protestantism propagates an authoritarian style characterized by low levels of positive involvement and high levels of corporal punishment and domestic violence. Instead, Wilcox’s research indicates that conservative Protestant fathers express more affection and praise toward their children and spend more time with them. In addition, the wives of these conservative Protestants say they feel more appreciated for their household labor, are more satisfied with the affection, love and understanding they receive from their husbands, and have more time socializing with them. Furthermore, active conservative Protestant men have the lowest rates of domestic violence of any group reported in the study.”