Kris, James and Hope

Note: I first posted the article below early 2006, after I attended a seminar on marital infidelity at the Capitol City Baptist Church with Dr. Elizabeth Harley Chalmers and Ptr. Clem Guillermo as speakers. I am reprinting that article in view of the real-life soap opera among Kris, James and Hope (you do know who these people are, right?) now being played out in nationwide television, radio and newspaper reports. This article really applies to Kris, the offended spouse, but lest Hope gets the brunt of criticism for being the third party, my advice for her is to read up on RA 9262, know her rights, and then slam dunk James with a VAWC case, if not for herself, then for her alleged love child's sake. Here we go!

“Sad Movies Always Make Me Cry”
 
Two Sundays ago, while onboard an FX taxi on my way to church, I heard over the radio the song “Sad Movies Always Make Me Cry.” I’m sure most of you have heard this song. While listening to it, I couldn’t help but relate the song to the things I have been learning about marital infidelity, especially through the January 28, 2006 seminar at the Capitol City Baptist Church.

The woman who tells her story in the song (the “persona” as Literature teachers would put it) says that “Daddy had to work and so I went to the show alone.” The woman then says that as the lights went down and the show was about to begin, her husband (who was supposed to be at work!) and her best friend (!) walk into the theater.

The woman then continues to say that as her husband kisses her best friend’s lips, she almost dies. “And in the middle of the colored cartoon,” she starts to cry. When she goes home crying and her mother asks her why, she just says, “Sad movies always make me cry.”

The question that comes into the minds of a lot of rational people is why the woman in the song didn’t confront her cheating husband and her lying best friend right there and then. I am not a great believer in psychology but psychologists would probably say that the woman in the song didn’t react, or reacted the way she did, because of PTSD or “post-traumatic stress disorder.” PTSD has been used to explain the delayed and contradictory reactions (stress in various forms) of Vietnam War veterans and victims of heinous crimes.

Dr. Willard Harley Jr. in his website www.marriagebuilders.com describes the impact of marital infidelity as follows:

A spouse’s unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. Those I’ve counseled who have had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse’s unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once.”

David Clarke, Ph.D. is the author of the book “What to do when your spouse says, ‘I don’t love you anymore’” (Thomas Nelson Publishers; copyright 2002 by David Clarke Ph.D.). On page 34 of his book, he describes what a person goes through upon first finding out that his or her spouse is having an affair:

When your spouse tells you that the love is gone, you are traumatized in every sense of the word. There is no more brutal form of rejection. Your life is in pieces, and you have no clue what to do. What to say. How to attract your partner back and save your marriage. You are shocked. Stunned. Horrified. In absolute disbelief. Your mind can’t seem to grasp what’s happening. You’re in denial. You’re in grief. You’re in a fog. You’re in a panic. You’re overwhelmed.

If you want a no-nonsense, no punches pulled, beyond tough love, tough as nails, bring down the sledgehammer approach to handling marital infidelity, then I highly recommend Clarke’s book to you. Be prepared to be shocked by Clarke’s recommendations for dealing with a wayward spouse.
Anyway, the song “Sad Movies Always Make Me Cry” states in poetic form what Dr. Chalmers taught during the January 28 seminar:

[1] “Most affairs are between friends and co-workers.”

[2] “It’s a dangerous illusion to think that your spouse is, or yourself are, incapable of being unfaithful to your marriage covenant.”

[3] “A secret, second life is created to protect the adulterous relationship and a wayward spouse who never had a history of lying turns into a master of deception.”

Kerby Anderson in a Probe Ministries article (www.probe.org) cites the work of family therapist Frank Pittman, author of “Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy.” Pittman has counseled over 10,000 couples over the last forty years and some 7,000 of them have experienced infidelity. Pittman, with some additions from Anderson, enumerates some of the proactive ways by which to prevent an affair:

[1] “Accept the possibility of being sexually attracted to another and of having sexual fantasies.”

[2] “We should hang out with monogamous people.”

[3] “Work on your marriage.”

[4] “Be realistic about your marriage.”

[5] “Keep the marriage equal. Share parenting duties.”

[6] “If you aren’t already married, be careful in your choice of a marriage partner.”

[7] “Call home every day you travel.”

What Pittman and Kerby are saying in number one above is that adultery starts in the mind. William Cutrer, M.D. and Sandra Glahn in page 135 of their book “Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” (Kregel Publications; reprinted in the Philippines by Evangelical Classics Library), recount the story of how Jeanette fell into an adulterous affair:

As a believing wife and mother who had an affair several years ago, I want to warn others that if they first yield to mental adultery, it could easily take them the whole way down the wrong road. If there is time to be alone with the other man, the two of you will most likely confess your struggles to each other. After allowing wrong thoughts, this is the most dangerous step to take. If he is a fellow believer, you will say you must conquer this thing together in prayer. You will feel such a tenderness toward each other that you will need to express your affection with warm embraces and “holy kisses.” It is a short road from there to the point where you allow yourself the pleasure of more and more sensual temptations. Finally, you quit trying to resist.” (emphasis supplied)

A Woman's Top Five Needs
Harley, in his book “His Needs, Her Needs,” says that the way to prevent an affair is to always keep meeting your spouse’s most important needs. He says that for the majority of women, their top five needs are the following:

[1] Affection

[2] Conversation

[3] Honesty and openness

[4] Financial support

[5] Family commitment

Well, guys, there you have it! The keys to a woman’s heart! It seems from Harley’s list that women are easy to understand and please, right? But why then do most guys say that they just don’t understand women?

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said, “Every woman is a science.” (Back in the 1970’s, in UP Diliman, I lost my engineering scholarship because I failed Physics 41, Engineering Science I, and barely passed Chem 17. Hmmm … maybe that’s why I don’t understand women.)

I can’t remember the exact source but inspirational writer Max Lucado once said, “A man can spend a lifetime with a woman and yet never gaze into her soul.”
Pastor J. Mack Stiles in his book “17 Things My Kids Taught Me About God” (Kingsway Publications; copyright 1998 by J. Mack Stiles) is one guy who didn’t understand women. He says of his marriage to Leann in page 84:

Quickly we discovered this marriage stuff was a lot harder than married people let on. Understanding each other’s words proved tough enough. Take the vacuum cleaner I got Leann for Valentine’s Day. She’s always said that she just wanted me to remember her. We needed a vacuum cleaner, and it was in nice wrapping paper. Good grief! What’s all the fuss?

Back in the 1980’s I had a girlfriend from Marikina. When I found out that she loved the Chinese delicacy dikiam (the very salty kind), I made it a point to always buy for her a bag full of dikiam. On our way to her special choir practice in Barangka Drive in Mandaluyong, as she ate the dikiam, she would throw the seeds one by one out of the jeepney we were riding on. Anyone who wanted to know where we were going just had to follow the trail of dikiam seeds littering the whole of Ortigas Avenue! Hey, I was meeting her number one need for affection, in the form of a bag full of dikiam!

Ptr. Clem Guillermo, during the January 28 seminar, told the audience about a couple he was counseling. The husband said to the wife, “Why do you say that I don’t love you? I have built for you a mansion. I have taken you on a round the world trip twice.” Ptr. Clem then said that the wife replied, “If you really loved me, why don’t give me a hug or kiss me before you leave home in the morning, or when you come home? Why don’t you tell me that you love me?”
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife’s entire philosophy for their marriage seminars is founded on Ephesians 5:31 - that a woman’s greatest need is love or affection. (Their website is www.loveandrespect.com , and I highly recommend that you view the video clip “But I don’t know that woman”.)

Dr. James Dobson in his book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” (Living Books; copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc.) says on page 65,

Women yearn to be the special sweethearts of their men, being respected and appreciated and loved with tenderness. This is why a homemaker often thinks about her husband during the day and eagerly awaits his arrival home. It explains why their wedding anniversary is more important to her, and why he gets clobbered when he forgets. It explains why she is constantly “reaching” for him when he is at home, trying to pull him out of the newspaper or television set; it explains why ‘Absence of Romantic Love in My Marriage’ ranked so high as a source of depression among women, whereas men would have rated it somewhere in the vicinity of last place.” (emphasis supplied)

John Eldredge, in page 182 of his book “Wild At Heart, Discovering The Secret of a Man’s Soul” (Thomas Nelson Publishers; copyright 2001 by John Eldredge), says in a memorable, very poetic way what every woman wants:

… the deep cry of a little girl’s heart is am I lovely? Every woman needs to know that she is exquisite and exotic and chosen. This is core to her identity, the way she bears the image of God. Will you pursue me? Do you delight in me? Will you fight for me?

(Eldredge’s book talks about what being a man truly consists of. He says that a true man needs an adventure to live for and a beauty to rescue. Although I recommend Eldredge’s book to you, please always read anything I recommend with discernment. Eldredge, for example, in one part of his book, espouses what theologians refer to as “open theism.”)

Well, well, well, listening to a sappy song like “Sad Movies Always Make Me Cry” while on that FX taxi traversing an almost empty Ayala Avenue on a Sunday morning on way to church can really get me going on and on. Speaking of movies, my favorites are the 1928 classic “It Happened One Night” starring Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert, and the James Stewart 1930’s black and white classics “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington” and “It’s A Wonderful Life” (a Christmas day tradition in the USA). Hey, what can I say? When it comes to movies, I’m a dinosaur!

So, I don’t want to hear “Sad Movies Always Make Me Cry” one more time. Next Sunday, I’ve got to make sure that I avoid riding that FX taxi again ...

Upcoming seminar: Women at Work, February 24, 2007

Burst Forth Ministries, a non-stock, non-profit organization whose main thrust is to heal hearts and transform lives, is sponsoring the “Women at Work” seminar on Saturday February 24, 2007, from 1 to 5 PM at the Architectural Center Club, 6082 Palma St. Rockwell Drive, Makati City.

The seminar, to be conducted by Liza Villanueva, president of Mindshift Consultancy, will discuss women’s issues and how they can be truthfully dealt with. For more information, please call 892-2073 or 894-5733.

Note: I first posted the following article in the October 1, 2006 entry of this blog. In view of the upcoming “Women at Work” seminar, I’m sure a lot of you would like to re-read this article.

All about women: Move over, Jang Geum!

I have a deep and dark confession to make to all of you.

Since last year, I have been completely out of touch with millions of Filipinos …

Okay, okay, enough already. I’m getting so melodramatic in this introduction that some of you might be jumping to wild conclusions about what this is all about. Actually, what I want to say is that last year, when millions of Filipinos were glued to their television sets nightly watching GMA 7’s “Jewel in the Palace” I didn’t have a clue what the fuss was all about. The Koreanovela began and ended, and all I got to view was a few minutes of the show while I was riding on a Crossing bound aircon bus traveling along Ayala Avenue.

The only inkling I had of the show’s enormous popularity was when I heard a well-known Filipino pastor speak at length in a world missions conference about how he was forced to watch the show (its stars like Jang Geum and various cooking techniques) simply because his wife adamantly refused to watch any other show during that time slot.

Well, I found about two or three weeks ago, while waiting for the 6:30 news on television, that due to enormous public demand, “Jewel in the Palace” was being aired again by GMA 7. I’m catching snatches here and there of the show, of Jang Geum and kitchen politics in the royal palace, while I’m channel surfing waiting for the news programs to come on. Truth to tell, I just can’t relate to a show where the men wear funny looking hats! Give me the telenovela “Gokusen” anytime! The only Korean words I know and like are Tae Kwon Do, Hwa Rang Do, Tang Soo Do, Kuk Sool Won and Hapkido. (Some of you might know that all of these terms refer to Korean martial arts, with Hwa Rang Do founded by Joo Bang Lee, Tang Soo Do popularized in the US by Chuck Norris and his spinning back kick, and Hapkido featured in the 1970’s “Billy Jack” movies starring Tom Laughlin and Bong Soo Han.)

Anyway, I can’t argue with millions of Filipino women (and about several hundred men) who passionately follow the triumphs and travails of Jang Geum and who hold her up as the ideal woman. So if it suddenly becomes quiet in your neighborhood tonight, you’ll know that it’s Jang Geum time.

Sex is a gift of God that strengthens the marriage bond

While browsing in a used books stall in SM Centerpoint, Sta. Mesa, Manila more than a month ago, I found a book by Debra Evans entitled “The Christian Woman’s Guide to Sexuality” (copyright 1997; Published by Crossway Books). Okay, okay, I know some of you are now shaking your heads and wondering why I would be reading this kind of a book. Well, for two reasons. One, I will give this book as a gift to my future wife, whoever she might be by God's gracious provision. Two, I want to understand what makes women tick, so to speak. I think it was poet John Donne who said, “Every woman is a science.” In the 1970’s I had a National Science Development Board engineering scholarship in UP Diliman. I lost the scholarship when I failed Physics 41, Math 53, Engineering Science I, and barely passed Chem 17. Hmm, this must be the reason why I don’t understand women…

Evans, a healthcare educator specializing in women’s health issues and family wellness, clearly discusses, with charts and detailed illustrations, the practical, physical and physiological aspects of sex within marriage, the female anatomy, childbearing, family planning, etc. from a medical and Biblical viewpoint. In one of the annexes to her book, Evans summarizes the Judeo-Christian views of sex, in opposition to the humanistic and hedonistic views. Some of these views are:

[A] Origin of human life: Humans were created in the image of their Creator God.

[B] Purpose of sex: Sex is viewed as a means to an end: (1) The means through which “two become one flesh.” (2) To make the earth fruitful for God. (3) An end to “aloneness” and emotional isolation.

[C] Acceptable forms of sexual expression: Sexual activity between a man and a woman within marriage only.

[D] View of sex as it relates to the family: Sex is a gift of God that strengthens the marriage bond; children are viewed as a blessing, and certain forms of sexuality are viewed as destructive to sexual identity in all situations: adultery, prostitution, rape, promiscuity, incest, bestiality, homosexuality, pornography, exhibitionism.

[E] Individual rights: An individual expresses his or her sexuality in accordance with the will of God as laid out in the Bible; he or she belongs to God. Each spouse’s body belongs to the other.

[F] Belief in an afterlife: Beyond death lies heaven or hell, eternal life or eternal damnation.

[G] Accountability: Each individual is accountable to a personal Creator for his or her choices, words or actions.

Menstruation and the Levitical law

The Old and New Testaments mention that a woman while having her menstrual period is considered as “unclean.” For a lot of people reading these Bible passages, especially Leviticus 15:19-21, 24 and 31, all this talk of a woman being “unclean” smacks of gross ignorance, chauvinism and prejudice against women. But Evans explains in pages 65 and 66 of her book the reasons for the Levitical prohibitions on touching an “unclean” woman or anything she uses or touches. Evans explains that the menstrual flow comes from the discharge from the endometrium and blood from the capillaries lining the uterus. This discharge leaves the female body in a clean state but becomes a medium for bacterial growth once it is exposed to air, leading to diseases and infections. Evans reminds her readers that at the time of the Levitical law, Jewish women lived in the desert, without a reliable source of water, without soap (invented only in the 1800’s) and definitely without the sanitary items women today can simply buy at any store. She says that the Levitical prohibitions were God's omniscient way of protecting the health of the Jewish people.

Except for her view on mutual submission, I highly endorse Debra Evans’ book to you. There’s a phrase Evans used twice or thrice in her book that completely took me by surprise by its frankness and uniqueness (she first used the phrase in page 77, if I remember correctly). The phrase is …. Nah, I can’t tell you in public, not like this! Read the book! Read the book!

Other books by Evans which you might be interested in are the following: Heart and Home; Beauty for Ashes; Preparing for Childbirth; Preparing for Childbirth; The Woman’s Complete Guide to Personal Health Care; Women of Character; Kindred Hearts; and, Blessing Your Husband.

Great materials from the Women Today Magazine website

One website which the women among you might be interested in is “Women Today Magazine” published, if I’m not mistaken, by Campus Crusade for Christ. There’s a link to this website from this blog; look for it on the right hand column. Okay, okay, I’ll make it easy for you. To get to Women Today Magazine website, just click here.

I’ve browsed the site and found it chock-full of great articles for women. Okay, okay, I know some of you are now definitely shaking your heads and wondering why I would be browsing this kind of a website. Well, for two reasons …

“What wives wish their husbands knew about women”

One book which you might really be interested in reading, whether you’re a man or a woman, is Dr. James Dobson’s “What wives wish their husbands knew about women” (copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc; published by Living Books). The book is a worldwide bestseller, having sold more than two million copies, and the words on the frontispiece really get your attention – “Women have needs men don’t understand.” In this book, Dobson enumerates and discusses the top ten problems women face:

[1] Low self-esteem
[2] Fatigue and time pressure
[3] Loneliness, isolation, and boredom and absence of romantic love in marriage
[4] Financial difficulties
[5] Sexual problems in marriage
[6] Menstrual and physiological problems
[7] Problems with the children
[8] Problems with in-laws
[9] Aging

Number [3] in the enumeration above is actually a combination of two related problems – absence of romantic love leading to loneliness, isolation and boredom. The book is available locally in Christian bookstores like OMF Lit, PCBS, etc.

While Dobson wrote this book 31 years ago from a survey of American women, I would dare say that his findings and discussions still hold true today not only for Americans but also for Filipino women.

Bored, lonely housewives and the temptations of online affairs

When Dobson wrote this book in 1975, computers were clunky, room-sized contraptions powered by vacuum tubes (later on by transistors) and miles of electrical wiring. The Internet was then a highly technical tool used exclusively by the military and university researchers, and meant for making communicating with one another possible in case of a nuclear war. Today, 900 million people use the Internet (e-mail, websites and chat rooms) on a daily basis for professional, educational and personal purposes. Probe Ministries, in an article by Kerby Anderson, points out a danger that lonely and bored housewives are falling into, that is, online affairs or the allure of cyber-relationships. Anderson, citing the work of Peggy Vaughn, states:

Peggy Vaughn is the author of “The Monogamy Myth” and also serves as an expert for America Online on problems caused by infidelity. She predicts that one “role of the Internet in the future will be as a source of affairs.” She is writing a second book on the subject of adultery and says she could base half of it just on the letters she receives from people who started an affair online.

An online affair (or cyberaffair) is an intimate or sexually explicit communication between a married person and someone other than their spouse that takes place on the Internet. Usually this communication takes place through an online service such as America Online or CompuServe. Participants usually visit a chat room to begin a group conversation and then often move into a one-to-one mode of communication. Chat room categories range from “single and liking it” to “married and flirting” to “naked on the keyboard.”

Women in a chat room are often surprised at what develops in a fairly short period of time. At first the conversation is stimulating, though flirtatious. Quickly, however, women are often confronted with increasingly sexual questions and comments. Even if the comments don’t turn personal, women find themselves quickly sharing intimate information about themselves and their relationships that they would never share with someone in person. Peggy Vaughn says, “Stay-at-home moms in chat rooms are sharing all this personal stuff they are hiding from their partners.” She finds that the intensity of women’s online relationships can “quickly escalate into thinking they have found a soulmate.” [emphasis by boldfacing supplied - GTG]

Online affairs differ from physical world affairs in some ways, but are similar in others. Cyberaffairs are based upon written communication where a person may feel more free to express herself anonymously than in person. Frequently the communication becomes sexually graphic and kinky in ways that probably would not occur if a real person were hearing these comments and could act on them. Participants in an online affair will often tell their life stories and their innermost secrets. They will also create a new persona, become sexually adventurous, and pretend to be different than they really are. [emphasis by boldfacing supplied - GTG]

“A Woman Among The Pillars”

In a previous article “Why do men think the things they think, say the things they say, and do the things they do?”, I mentioned Stu Webber’s book “Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart” (reprinted locally by OMF Literature). As I mentioned in that article, Webber is a man’s man. After training as an Airborne Ranger, he fought in Vietnam with the battle-hardened 5th US Special Forces. A bonus part of Webber’s book is the postscript “A Woman Among The Pillars.” Here, Webber discusses the ways women can support the King Pillar of their husband’s hearts:

[1] Read, learn, apply and learn.
[2] Love unconditionally.
[3] Listen intently.
[4] Don’t expect him to meet all your emotional needs.
[5] Understand the power you have.
[6] See your husband as God’s gift to you.
[7] Appreciate the little things he does, as well as the “big” things.
[8] Give him some space.
[9] Physically appreciate him
[10] Follow his leadership.
[11] See your marriage as a journey, not a destination.

The definitive woman

Anyway, we really don’t have far to go if we want a portrait of the definitive woman, to know what the ideal wife is and what she does for her husband and children. We only have to pick up our Bible, open it up to the Old Testament and turn to Proverbs chapter 31. Not much is known about King Lemuel according to Bible scholars, but it is a common mistake to say that he wrote Proverbs 31. If you look closely at verse 1, you’ll know that these words were given and taught to him by his mother.

Proverbs 31, King James Version

10. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
11. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
13. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
14. She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
15. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
16. She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
17. She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
18. She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. 19. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
21. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
23. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
24. She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
25. Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
29. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
30. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
31. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

Hey, in case you didn’t notice, with the woman described in Proverbs 31 above, there aren’t any issues of low self-esteem, loneliness, boredom, the lack of romantic love … Perhaps, Dr. Dobson, in pages 185 and 186 of his book, best sums it all up when he states:

We have been examining, I believe, a single problem with ten different manifestations. Simply stated, the family was designed by God Almighty to have a specific purpose and function: when it operates as intended, the emotional and physical needs of husbands, wives and children are met in a beautiful relationship of symbiotic love. But when the function is inhibited or destroyed, then every member of the family experiences the discomfort of unmet needs … When the family conforms to God’s blueprint, then self-esteem is available for everyone – which satisfies romantic aspirations – which abolishes loneliness, isolation and boredom – which contributes to sexual fulfillment – which binds the marriage together in fidelity – which provides security for children – which gives parents a sense of purpose – which contributes to self-esteem once more. The chain has no weak links. It reveals the beauty of God’s own creation, as does the rest of his universe.

Well, well, well, Jang Geum, Jewel in the Palace and all about women … Hmm, I wonder, has Jang Geum written a book? Does she have a website? Let me find out and I’ll get right back to you …

Love Potion No. 9

For the past several years, I have been counseling women who are involved in abusive relationships or who want to escape from their marriage. Probably the most bizarre story I have ever heard is from a counselee (a schoolteacher) who married a man she met and talked to just once prior to their quickie marriage. She said that the man’s mother had been telling her for some time about the good qualities of the guy, and that time before she met him, the mother asked her to eat some kind of food that made her feel somewhat dizzy. For reasons she couldn’t understand then, she said she agreed to marry the guy. This woman, who’s now seeking to annul her marriage, told me that she probably was fed with some kind of “gayuma” (or love potion, in the English language) by the mother.

Well, well, well, love potions… If you grew up in the 1960’s like I did, you’re probably familiar with the hit song “Love Potion No. 9” by the doo-wop group known as The Clovers. For the younger ones among you, you might remember that “Love Potion No. 9” was title of a movie starring Sandra Bullock and Tate Donovan. Love potions are part of Filipino folklore; if you want someone to fall in love with you, you just have to go to the “arbolaryo” (the village herb doctor, in English) who will concoct a potent brew for you.

You then slip the “gayuma” in your desired one’s food or drink, and instantly, that man or woman will fall instantly in love with you. If you’re in the Metro Manila area, you simply have to go around the vicinity of the Quiapo church, and look around the various stalls offering love potions, amulets, herbs of various kinds and for various purposes …

Do love potions really work? Do they really exist in this day and age of the Internet, websites, 3G cellphones and e-mail? Well, believe it or not, but serious scientists have done some quite extensive studies in neurochemistry and have come up with the conclusion that “love” really is a matter of chemicals. Not the “gayuma” kind of chemicals but chemicals that already are part of the complex human body. Hmmm, very interesting …

The cuddle chemicals

Dannah Gresh in one of her books (either “Pursuing the Pearl” or “And the Bride Wore White”) says that “adrenaline” is the fuel of romantic love. Well, sorry, Dannah, but your research is wrong! Scientists working in the field of neurochemistry say that the chemicals responsible for love are, among others, dopamine, vasopressin and oxytocin, or the so-called “cuddle chemicals.” (The 1955 Nobel Prize in Chemistry went to Vincent du Vigneaud who discovered, isolated and synthesized oxytocin and vasopressin.)

Secular writer Eve Salinger says that, at the beginning stages, when a man and woman start getting attracted to each other, the human brain produces increasing levels of “dopamine” and “norepinephrine” which create feelings of exhilaration and lovesickness. Salinger says that as the romantic relationship loses its initial exhilarating buzz, “dopamine” and “norepinephrine” are replaced by “vasopressin” and “oxytocin” which promote bonding or a warm, fuzzy feeling between the man and the woman.

“Endorphin” (another cuddle chemical) is thought to be the main chemical responsible for long-term relationships, and its levels increase when a person responds to loving touch, pleasing visual stimuli, positive thoughts and physical exercise.

Love is in the brain, not the heart?

The National Geographic magazine (February 2004 issue), in its banner story “Love: The Chemical Reaction”, likewise speaks of the brain chemical “dopamine” as producing intense energy, exhilaration, focused attention and motivation. Written by Lauren Slater, the article says, “Love and obsessive-compulsive disorder could have a similar chemical profile. Translation: Love and mental illness may be difficult to tell apart.” Yikes!

Wikipedia, in its articles about the “cuddle chemicals” (dopamine, vasopressin, oxytocin, endorphin, etc), gives us some very interesting information:

Dopamine (C8H11NO2) is a chemical naturally produced in the body. In the brain, dopamine functions as a neurotransmitter, activating dopamine receptors. Dopamine is also a neurohormone released by the hypothalamus. Its main function as a hormone is to inhibit the release of prolactin from the anterior lobe of the pituitary.

Dopamine can be supplied as a medication that acts on the sympathetic nervous system, producing effects such as increased heart rate and blood pressure. However, since dopamine cannot cross the blood-brain barrier, dopamine given as a drug does not directly affect the central nervous system. To increase the amount of dopamine in the brains of patients with diseases such as Parkinson's disease and Dopa-Responsive Dystonia, a synthetic precursor to dopamine such as L-DOPA can be given, since this will cross the blood-brain barrier.

Dopamine is commonly associated with the pleasure system of the brain, providing feelings of enjoyment and reinforcement to motivate a person proactively to perform certain activities. Dopamine is released (particularly in areas such as the nucleus accumbens and striatum) by naturally rewarding experiences such as food, sex, use of certain drugs and neutral stimuli that become associated with them.

Vasopressin is a peptide hormone liberated from a preprohormone precursor that is synthesized in the hypothalamus as it is transported to the posterior pituitary. Most of it is stored in the posterior part of the pituitary gland to be released into the blood stream; some of it is also released directly into the brain. It is responsible for creating intense loving memories, for clarity of thought and alertness during passionate situations.

In recent years there has been particular interest in the role of vasopressin in social behavior. It is thought that vasopressin, released into the brain during sexual activity, initiates and sustains patterns of activity that support the pair-bond between the sexual partners.

Oxytocin (C43H66N12O12S2 and Greek for “quick birth”) is a mammalian hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain. In women, it is released mainly after distension of the cervix and vagina during labor, and after stimulation of the nipples, facilitating birth and breastfeeding, respectively. Oxytocin is released during orgasm in both sexes. In the brain, oxytocin is involved in social recognition and bonding, and might be involved in the formation of trust between people.

The different actions of oxytocin within the brain are sexual arousal, bonding, maternal behavior, various ant-stress functions, and increasing trust and reducing fear.

A very interesting study, referred to extensively by Slater’s National Geographic article, is that of the 2004 book “Why We Love - the Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love” by Helen Fisher. In her studies which made extensive use of MRI (magnetic resonance imaging), Fisher discovered that when a person looks at a picture of person he or she loves, the parts of the brain associated with rewards and pleasure and known as the “ventral segmental area” and the “caudate nucleus” almost literally light up with activity.

Please take note that these chemicals are reactive, meaning they don’t just kick into our systems for no reason at all and hold us hostage to their effects. There’s always first a stimulus - food, a breathtaking scenery, an attractive guy (okay, okay, you can use me as an example!) – that sets these chemicals into action. In one study for example, when women in good marriages were asked to think about their husbands, the oxytocin levels in their blood increased. The stimulus was the pleasing thoughts about their husbands, and the effect was increased oxytocin levels.

The cuddle chemicals and your relationships

What are the practical applications for you in knowing all these things about the cuddle chemicals? Well, when you meet someone attractive and interesting (okay, okay, you can use me for an example!), the sparks will start flying but that’s only because of dopamine kicking into your system. Don’t jump to the conclusion that you’re truly falling in love. Give yourself time (lots of it!), and in a more stable emotional climate, you can better evaluate what your feelings are for that person. As Dr. James Dobson said in his book “Love Must Be Tough” (specifically the chapter on “Loving Toughness for Singles”), “Don’t let the relationship move too fast in its infancy. The phrase ‘too hot not to cool down’ has validity. Take it one step at a time.”

The end of the romance

The exhilarating, romance-filled days will not last. That’s because, as researchers in neurochemistry say, the dopamine-fueled hyperactivity can damage the brain. Remember what Slater in her National Geographic article said about love and mental illness being difficult to tell apart? Yikes!

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot in their book “Relationships” point out that the lifetime of most romantic relationships is only about two years, with a break-up occurring on the third year. Why? Well, they say that a man and a woman in the first year of their relationship are blind to the faults and defects of each other. Reality only sets in during the second year of the relationship, and the couple begins to notice the negatives in their partner’s attitudes, character and personality.

Well, well, well, from the arbolaryo’s love potions to the scientists’ cuddle chemicals … What really is love?

World-renowned marriage and family counselor Dr. Ed Wheat in his classic book “Love Life For Every Married Couple” states the following four foundational principles about what love really is all about:

1. I can learn what love is from the Word of God. It is rational, not irrational. I can understand love and grow in the understanding of it throughout my lifetime.

2. Love is not easy or simple: it is an art that I must want to learn and pour my life into. I can learn how to love.

3. Love is an active power that I control by my own will. I am not the helpless slave of love. I can choose to love.

4. Love is the power that will produce love as I learn to give it rather than strain to attract it.

In his book, Dr. Wheat also defines and discusses the different Greek words for “love” used in the Bible. These are:

1. Epithumia – though not really a word for love, it denotes strong physical desire between a husband and wife;
2. Eros - romantic, passionate, and sentimental love; infatuation among younger people; changeable and fickle;
3. Storge - natural affection and a sense of belonging to each other, the kind of love shared by parents and children or brothers and sisters who see each other as a an emotional refuge in the storms of life;
4. Phileo – a love between friends, comrades, brothers in arms, characterized by sharing, closeness and companionship; and
5. Agape - the totally unselfish love that has the capacity to give and keep on giving without expecting in return.

For those people struggling in a difficult marriage, the agape kind of love is what can keep the marriage together even when the other spouse is resisting or unwilling to change, or even wanting to leave the marriage altogether through divorce or separation.

If you want to know more about Dr. Wheat’s ideas and suggestions for a fulfilling love relationship, please read my previous articles “How to save your marriage alone: Priceless counsel from a bargain sale book” and “Acronyms for a great relationship: Kailangang i-memorize yan!” His book is also available in National Bookstore and in Christian bookstores (OMF Lit, PCBS, back to the Bible, Vine and the Branches).

To know more of what real love is, we’ve got to turn to the Bible’s Love Chapter – I Corinthians chapter 13. Below is a copy of that famous love chapter with the 1611 King James Version word “charity” replaced with “love”. Here we go!

1. Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not love, I am nothing.
3. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not love, it profiteth me nothing.
4. Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5. Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6. Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7. Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8. Love never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13. And now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Well, well, well, no mention here whatsoever of the cuddle chemicals, of dopamine, vasopressin and oxytocin, right? It’s Valentine’s Day three or four days from today. You might be spending it alone (just like me! Boo-hoo!) or you might be enjoying that day with your spouse and your children. But if you want to know about real love, the agape kind that transcends dreary circumstances, human relationships that are innately transient (for who lives forever?), then click here.