And the bride wore white ... Seven secrets to sexual purity

Note: I first posted this article December 10, 2007. I am reprinting it here to include the results of the 2002 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Study conducted by the UP Population Institute and in view of the raging controversy over HB 3773 or the “Integrated Reproductive Health and Population Reduction Bill”. Please surf to the PRO-Life Philippines website for its critique of HB 3773.
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Statistics on teenage pregnancies and sexual experiences

Dr. James Dobson, I think, said that a million teenagers in the US get pregnant every year. In the Philippines, according to the 2003 National Demographic and Health Survey, one out of four women become mothers by age 19 while four out of 10 women in the 20-24-year-old bracket have already engaged in sexual activity.

The 2002 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Study (YAFS 3) conducted by the UP Population Institute and the Demographic Research and Development Foundation, Inc. revealed the following alarming statistics:

[1] Twenty-three percent of youth have engaged in premarital sex. A considerable number of sexually-active youth have had multiple partners, with almost half of the males (49%) and 11% of the females reporting more than one sex partner. One in five of the sexually-active males had paid for sex while 12% had accepted payment for sex. Prevalence of commercial sex is negligible among females, with less than one percent of the girls having paid or been paid for sex.

Over time, there has been an increase in the proportion of sexually active youth in the country, from 18 percent (among those aged 15-24) in 1994 to 23 percent in 2002. The age of first sex is also getting younger. Based on the 2002 survey, 1.2 percent of both young males and females have already engaged in sex before they turn 13 years old. Before reaching 18 however, the probability of engaging in sex increased sharply for males (28 percent) while 12 percent would have done so among females.

Previous analyses conducted by the UP Population Institute on the sexual behavior of Filipino youth have highlighted the increasing influence of peers on young people's decision whether or not to engage in sex. Peers have also been cited as important source of information regarding sex and reproductive health matters, along with the media.

[2] While nearly all (95%) young adults have heard of HIV/AIDS, 73% believe there is no chance of them getting HIV/AIDS.

[3] The percentage of young adults who think that AIDS is curable more than doubled between 1994 and 2002. In 1994, only 12.5% thought that there was a cure to HIV/AIDS. This increased to 28% in 2002.

[4] More males than females are familiar with sexually-transmitted diseases (70% vs. 63%) although males are more likely to think that AIDS is curable (30% for males vs. 26% for females).

[5] Thirty two per cent of Filipino teenagers (15-19 years old) knew that their single female friends are sexually active while 38 percent said that their single male friends have already engaged in sex. This interesting information provides yet another clue on the extent of sexual activity among Filipino teenagers.

In addition, their report on their friends' sexual activity also shows some degree of awareness on the possible consequences of sexual activity. They said that half of their female friends who have engaged in premarital sex got pregnant. Of this proportion, 4 out of 5 pushed through with the pregnancy and slightly more than half of those who went through with the pregnancy eventually married the father of their kids.

Among their unmarried male friends on the other hand, 4 in 10 claimed that their friends got somebody pregnant. Out of this number, 2 in 5 ended up marrying the mother of their kids.

On a more personal note, I have known of incidents involving unwed pregnancies and premarital sexual activities involving pastors’ kids and teenagers who grew up in church. One pastor asked me if he could solemnize a marriage between members of his church (both minors), the girl having gotten pregnant. I informed him that under the Family Code, no person below 18 can get married, even with parental consent. One pastor in Cavite who has become frustrated by what was happening to the young people in his church once asked me what to do.

I strongly support sexual abstinence and purity programs such as True Love Waits and Silver Ring Thing. One author I highly recommend to you (whether you are a mother or father, a teenager, a pastor or youth director) is Dannah Gresh.

Resources on sexual purity before and during marriage by Dannah Gresh

Dannah’s websites are www.purefreedom.org, www.secretkeepergirl.com and www.dannahgresh.com. Her books on sexual purity before and during marriage are “And the Bride Wore White,” “Pursuing the Pearl,” and “Secret Keeper Girl”.

November 2006, I gave a lecture for the BMP-HELP pastors conference in Tagaytay City. Rushing home to Manila in the afternoon, I got to OMF Lit Bookstore in Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong just before 5 PM. From the love gift given to me by the pastors, I was able to buy at nearly seven hundred pesos the very last copy of “And the Bride Wore White”. March 2007, I gave this book as a graduation gift to the love of my life. She is the second most beautiful woman in the universe. Who is the most beautiful woman in the universe, you ask? Well, who else but movie actress Angel Locsin!

In the Purefreedom website, Dannah and her husband Bob, explain what their ministry to young men and women is all about:

It is the mission of Pure Freedom to equip men and women of all ages to live a vibrant life of purity, to experience healing from past impurity if it exists in their lives, and to experience a vibrant, passionate marriage which portrays the love Christ has for his Bride the church.(Ministry verse: Ephesians 5:31,32)

Pure Freedom provides resources with radically-unique approaches to focus on specific issues that teen girls and/or guys face in the area of purity and holiness. Our events, the hallmark of our ministry, are about sexual purity and yet they are much more about the totality of a life submitted to the will of God in a quest to enjoy the blessings of His plan.

We believe that the temptation to fail sexually comes in different forms for girls and for boys. We also believe that they will one day enjoy God's gift of sex within the confines of marriage for different reasons. Whereas the girls are primarily emotionally driven, the guys are primarily driven by sight. Because of this dichotomy, it is vital that we educate them separately and emphasize different areas of temptation.

In their seminars for young men and women, Dannah and Bob have expounded on the Bible’s principles on sexual purity through their discussion of the Hebrew word "yada". In their website, they explain that "yada" is used to both refer to holy sexuality as in that between Adam and Eve AND to refer to the holy knowing that a man can know with God. It speaks of the emotional and spiritual nature of a relationship.

Seven secrets to sexual purity

Dannah, in her book “And the Bride Wore White”, discusses the following secrets to maintaining sexual purity:

[1] Purity is a process.
[2] Purity dreams of its future.
[3] Purity is governed by its value.
[4] Purity speaks boldly.
[5] Purity loves its Creator at any cost.
[6] Purity embraces wise guidance.
[7] Purity watches burning flames.

Dannah does not simply discuss things at a theoretical level. One of the very practical tips she gives in her book on how teenagers can stay sexually pure is to "stay public and stay vertical."

The quest for a pure, passionate marriage

The second book by Dannah Gresh which I have read is “Pursuing the Pearl” (it was a gift from Bro. David Witta and his family from Massachusetts, USA). In this book, she discusses what she calls “The Enemy’s Fake Pearls” which are [1] status and stuff; [2] social acceptance; [3] giving up and starting over; [4] pride and dreams.

Locally, this book costs around four hundred pesos. That is quite steep, but what Dannah says in page pages 62 and 63 are worth the price of the book. She warns her readers, “Sexual impurity is a zero tolerance arena. You are on shaky ground if there are emotional bonds being created between you and another man (or your husband and another woman).” Dannah explains that these bonds begin with little things like:

• Innocently having lunch alone with a man


• Seeking advice from a man about personal issues, especially marital issues


• Seeking or accepting frequent praise or affirmation from the same man


• Being or becoming comfortable with being alone in an office or a home together


• Intentionally seeking out time to be with this man


• Manipulating your schedule to see him


• Spending time fantasizing about him

If you are parents concerned about your teenage kids and their sexual purity, a pastor or youth leader seeking to help your youth group, or a man or woman thinking of the best Christmas gift to give the love of your life, consider giving them any of Dannah Gresh’s books.

The only book by Dannah Gresh I haven’t read yet is “Secret Keeper Girl.” Two problems. One, as far as I know, there are no copies of this book locally. Two, even if it were available, how do I go about buying the book? Hey, I am a guy and I’m thinking, what would the store clerks say if I bought a copy of this book?

Relationship tips from Lois Lane and Superman, MJ and Spiderman

About a week ago, while having lunch, I caught glimpses on cable TV of the 2006 “Superman” movie. You probably know the story. After several years of absence, Superman (played by Brandon Routh) came back to Earth. And why did he move away in the first place?

I didn’t get the see the whole movie but from what I understand, Lois Lane (played by the gorgeous Kate Bosworth) wrote a scathing newspaper article entitled “Why the world doesn’t need Superman” and that gave Superman a super-sized heartbreak that could only be healed in cosmic hibernation. Well at the end of the movie, Kate (I mean, Lois Lane) sits down before her laptop, begins typing “Why the world needs Superman” but couldn’t continue. Then tears start welling up in her eyes … (This scene reminds me of Omar Khayyam’s quatrain which goes like this: “Ah Love! Could you and I with Him conspire, To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire; Would not we shatter it to bits and then remold it nearer to the heart’s desire.”)

Lessons? Bite your tongue! Keep your mouth shut! Stop yourself from sending that flaming e-mail or text message! Oftentimes, in a fit of anger or jealousy, you say things that you really never meant to say. Or you said things in a harsh tone of voice. What’s worse than not being able to take your words back is that, in this day and age of the Internet and mobile phones, the person you fought with can repeatedly review your flaming e-mail or text message. The Book of Proverbs in the Old Testament has numerous verses on wisely holding back our angry words. Perhaps you might want to review my post “Why Marriages Fail: He said, She said ...”

That was the 2006 movie. I just read from Wikipedia that in the current comics version of Superman, Clark Kent and Lois Lane are married. Yahoo! Hope springs eternal!

MJ and Spiderman: Lessons in communication, listening, and forgiveness

You have probably seen the Spiderman movie series with Tobey Maguire (the wall-crawling hero) and Kirsten Dunst (MJ, the love interest). In the last scenes of “Spiderman 3,” MJ looked absolutely stunning in a white blouse tucked into a black skirt. Do you remember that scene when Spiderman was in a restaurant about to ask MJ to marry him? MJ was so preoccupied with losing her starring role in a theater production. While she was trying to explain in the typical feminine way (that is, going around in circles before getting to the point of what was bothering her), Spidey interrupted her (so typical of men to interrupt!) and said that he knew exactly how she felt. MJ then walked out of the restaurant and Spidey’s marriage proposal went unsaid.

Later on, Spiderman was in deep anguish over learning of the true identity of his uncle’s killer. MJ then visited him in his apartment to offer all the love and emotional support that she felt he needed during that time of personal crisis. But Spiderman, out of pride and still nursing a broken heart, refused to accept whatever comfort MJ wanted to give him.

What’s the lesson here? Spiderman should have taken that visit as a cue that MJ really cared about him. He should have forgiven and taken her back. (This is just a movie, okay? Of course, Spiderman had to act the way he did, otherwise the movie would not have proceeded the way the movie was written.)

Another lesson however is that when we do have to say sorry for whatever we may have said or done, we’ve got to say it in words, loud and clear, so that there won’t be any misinterpretations. That calls for humility and swallowing our pride. Marriage counselors have said that a lot of times, a husband tenderly initiates lovemaking as his way of asking forgiveness from his wife. But that often backfires since the wife does not want to have sex when she is still stewing over their previous argument. As Emerson Eggerichs says in his book Love and Respect, “When a woman’s spirit is crushed, her body is unavailable.”

Well, well, well, Lois Lane and Superman, MJ and Spiderman, Kate Bosworth and Kirsten Dunst ... Wikipedia says that Beyonce Knowles will play Lois Lane in the next Superman movie. Hmm, I wonder what lessons in relationships we will learn from her ...