Remember a missionary this Christmas

Missionary Christmas

Christmas was special when he was a child,
food and presents and carols and smiles.

Tree decorating was great family fun,
and cold nights by the fire watching old reruns.

But then one day God spoke to his heart,
and he gave up his culture to make a new start.

Now taking the Gospel to far off lands,
his Christmas is different than what he had planned.

The weather is sticky, with stench in the air,
the needs that surround him are terrible to bear.

Instead of carols and Christmas bells,
he hears chanting and the casting of spells.

The childhood dream of Christmas in the snow,
was left at the altar when he decided to go.

If only the ones who he left behind,
would remember his face during this special time.

And send him a note, or a word of thanks
or maybe even something he could put in the bank.

Then Christmas would not be so tough this year
and even for the missionary it would “good cheer.”

©Wayne Dillard 2004
www.prayercentral.net

“What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men” (Marlowe and Raleigh, Dobson and Morley)

Lovers of classic world literature among you probably are familiar with Christopher Marlowe’s poem “The Passionate Shepherd to His Love” (published in 1599, six years after his death). Marlowe was a controversial figure alleged to have been a secret agent of the English crown; he was killed in a knife duel. He was played by Rupert Everett in the 1998 blockbuster movie “Shakespeare in Love” starring Joseph Fiennes and Gwyneth Paltrow. As you may know, Sir Walter Raleigh (a poet and a privateer) wrote “The Nymph’s Reply to the Shepherd” as his answer to Marlowe.

I always discuss these poems by Marlowe and Raleigh in my Literature class at the Asia Baptist Bible College. Hey, what can I say? I am a sucker for sappy, centuries-old love poems!

Dr. James Dobson’s book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women”

Well, seven or eight years ago, I read through Dobson’s book (copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc; published by Living Books). The book is a worldwide bestseller, having sold more than two million copies, and the words on the frontispiece really get your attention – “Women have needs men don’t understand.” You can read portions of the book from Amazon. In this book, Dobson enumerates and discusses the top ten problems women face:

1. Low self-esteem
2. Fatigue and time pressure
3. Loneliness, isolation, and boredom and absence of romantic love in marriage
4. Financial difficulties
5. Sexual problems in marriage
6. Menstrual and physiological problems
7. Problems with the children
8. Problems with in-laws
9. Aging

Number 3 in the enumeration above is actually a combination of two related problems – absence of romantic love leading to loneliness, isolation and boredom. While Dobson wrote this book 31 years ago from a survey of American women, I would dare say that his findings and discussions still hold true today not only for Americans but also for Filipino women. (The book is available locally in Christian bookstores like OMF Lit, PCBS, etc. )

Patrick Morley’s free book “What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men”

Well, Morley has written a book titled “What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men” (new title Understanding Your Man in the Mirror). I do not know if Morley intended to answer Dobson’s book (just like Raleigh did with Marlowe) but the book is available as a free download. Morley discusses the issues that husbands struggle with. These are:

1. Significance - What Is It That Your Husband Wants?
2. Obstacles - What’s Troubling Your Husband?
3. Pressure - Understanding the Pressure Your Husband Feels
4. Work - Why Men Are Preoccupied with Work
5. Temptations - The Six Persistent Temptations Men Struggle With
6. Companionship - What a Husband Needs from His Wife
7. Physical Intimacy - What Else a Man Needs from His Wife
8. Communication - What Men Want to Express but Find Difficult
9. Resolving Conflict - Help Around the House and Other Sore Spots
10. Appearance - Why a Man Wants His Wife to Look Good
11. Fathering - Your Husband’s Changing View of Being a Dad
12. Hard Years - Living with a Difficult Husband
13. Perspective - Why Your Husband May Not Be As Bad As You Think
14. Golden Years - Preparing for Winter

I haven’t found time to read Morley’s book but chapter 10 (“Appearance - Why a Man Wants His Wife to Look Good”) looks very good ...

About Patrick Morley and his “Man in the Mirror” ministry

After spending the first part of his career in the highly competitive world of real estate development, Patrick has been used throughout the world to help men think more deeply about their lives.

In 1973 Patrick founded Morley Properties, which, for several years, was hailed as one of Florida's 100 largest privately held companies. During this time he was the president or managing partner of 59 companies and partnerships.

In 1989 he wrote The Man in the Mirror, a landmark book that poured from his own search for meaning, purpose, and a deeper relationship with God. With over 3,000,000 copies, this best-selling book has captured the imaginations of hundreds of thousands of men worldwide, and was selected as one of the 100 most influential Christian books of the twentieth century. Five of his 16 books have received critical acclaim.

In 1991, Patrick founded Man in the Mirror which has impacted the lives of 10,000,000 men worldwide, has distributed 8,000,000 books, and last year worked with over 40,000 church leaders to more effectively disciple men. Through his speaking and writing he is a tireless advocate for men, encouraging and inspiring them to change their lives in Christ. Every Friday morning since 1986, Patrick teaches a Bible study to 150 businessmen in Orlando, Florida which is podcast through iTunes and webcast throughout the United States and over 50 countries. He has written over 450 articles to help men and leaders, has appeared on several hundred of radio and television programs, and speaks to men daily through The Man in the Mirror radio program carried on 75 stations nationwide.

Patrick Morley graduated with honors from the University of Central Florida, which selected him to receive its Distinguished Alumnus Award in 1984. He has earned a Ph.D. in Management and completed post-graduate studies at the Harvard Business School and Oxford University, and graduated from Reformed Theological Seminary. For sport he races a 1974 Porsche 911. He lives in Winter Park, FL with his wife, Patsy. They have two grown children and two granddaughters.

Through the distance ...

“And Mizpah; for he said, The LORD watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another.” (Gen 31:49)

“Is the Lord going to use in a great way? Quite probably. Is He going to prepare you as you expect? Probably not. And if you’re not careful, you will look at the trials, the tests, the sudden interruptions, the disappointments, the sadness, the lost jobs, the failed opportunities, the broken moments, and you will think, He’s through with me, He’s finished with me, when in fact, He is equipping you.”

(The Mystery of God’s Will, by Chuck Swindoll)

“Are you ready? Let’s get it on!”

Marriage: The ultimate fighting championship

Several days ago, the mixed martial arts program “Ultimate Fighting Championship” celebrated its historic 100th episode, with fights featuring Brock Lesnar, Frank Mir, Georges St. Pierre, and Tiago Alvez. Years ago, I was hooked on watching reruns of the UFC’s previous tournaments that started in the late 1990’s and featured fighters who since then have become legends in mixed martial arts – Royce Gracie, Ken Shamrock, Kimo, Marco Ruas, Maurice Smith, Mark Coleman, etc.

You see, back in the 1970’s and 80’s, I trained very briefly in martial arts like Modern Arnis, Aikido and a little bit of Kung Fu. At various points in time, I wanted to study Hapkido, Hwa Rang Do, Yaw Yan, Wing Chun, and Pai Lum Kung Fu. Until the middle 1990’s I had dozens of books and magazines on martial arts. For the Mini Press Conference I organized for Rizal High School in Pasig from 1984 up to 1991, I always included, as part of the activities, martial arts exhibitions by groups such as the National Tae Kwon Do Demonstration Team, the UP Tae Kwon Do team, the Wu Shu Federation of the Philippines, and the Arnis Philippines.

Anyway, going back to the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC), I stayed up late on weekends, totally engrossed in the tournament style of fighting that allowed everything – punching with bare knuckles, kicking, head butting, elbow smashes, ramming the knee to the opponent’s face and solar plexus, guillotine chokes, submissions, key locks, arm bars, triangle chokes, etc. A karate black belter could be fighting a Brazilian Ju-jitsu practitioner, or a judoka could be pitted against a boxer, and so on and so forth. There were no weight classes, and so, a puny welterweight could be paired against a 300 pound behemoth. I always got a thrill when the UFC chief referee “Big John” MacArthy would shout to the fighters, “Are you ready? Let’s get it on!”

But the no-holds barred fighting was the early days of the UFC. Later on, weight categories like that in boxing were introduced, fighters had to wear gloves, and certain things were outlawed – head butting, blows to the kidney area, etc. Thus, the tournament officials would always say that the UFC was a sport since the fighting was done within specific rules, weight categories, etc, and was not a free-for-all, no holds barred, everything plus the kitchen sink type of fighting.

From lovers to fighters

I wish I could say the same thing about the way a lot of married couples fight with each other …

I mean, from the stories of people I have counseled over the years, husbands and wives have fought each other, if not physically, then verbally and emotionally in a free-for-all, no holds barred, tit for tat, everything plus the kitchen sink type of fighting. One husband told me that one time when he was suffering from an asthma attack, his wife tried to choke him to death! One couple I know becomes “aerodynamic” whenever they would fight. They would grab hold of plates, bottles, vases, anything they could get their hands on, and hurl these things at each other, with their children helplessly cowering at the sidelines. I’m sure you know of husbands and wives who fight each other verbally and emotionally with insults, threats, ridicule, innuendos, accusations, put-downs and character assassination.

More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence

But not all marital fights I have been told about by my counselees have involved overt violence, whether physical or verbal. Some couples instead engage in silent warfare, with no one acknowledging that problems or tensions do exist, or with one partner avoiding and withdrawing from any discussion of whatever conflicts there may be.

As I told you several weeks ago, I’m reading through the book “A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan. Published by Jossey-Bass Publishers, the book is based on materials, research and a program from the University of Denver known as Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). The program has been extensively reported on by CNN and MNSBC, and by shows such as 20/20, 48 Hours, Good Morning America, Fox News, The Today Show and Oprah.

Dealing with domestic violence
 

Stanley and his co-authors clarify that PREP and their book are not meant to deal with domestic violence. They say that in cases of domestic violence, safety of the abused spouse and/or the children is the foremost consideration. If you want to know more about Republic Act 9262, our country’s landmark law on domestic violence, please read my previous articles like (1) Hope and help for the battered woman, statistics on domestic violence; (2) Salient provisions of RA 9262; (3) Protection Orders; (4) Mediation not applicable to domestic violence cases; (5) Emotional abuse and psychological violence; and (6) Biblical response to spousal abuse.

Ground rules for protecting a marriage from conflict

In Chapter 5 of their book, Stanley and his co-authors discuss the “ground rules for protecting a marriage from conflict.” They first establish certain foundational truths, to wit,

[1] There will be conflict even in a marriage between Christians.

[2] You can choose your reactions to your spouse’s hurtful words or actions. By taking responsibility for own behavior and avoiding “reckless words”, you can create the climate for a great marriage.

About two years ago, I offered to lend my book “Love Busters” by Willard Harley Jr. to a newly married woman. But she refused the offer, saying that she didn’t need to read the book since her marriage was “God-ordained.” I wonder if she still feels the same way after two years of marriage …

The reality of conflicts even in Christian marriages

You see, there will always be conflicts between a man and a woman within the framework of marriage. Genesis 3: 16 says, “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” Some people have said that the expression “thy desire shall be to thy husband” refers to a woman’s sexual desire for her husband, but we know that in a lot of situations that desire isn’t there. Conservative theologians like Woodrow Kroll say (correctly, in my opinion) that Genesis 3:16 should be read in relation to Genesis 4: 7 which states, “If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.” These theologians say that the expression “unto thee shall be his desire” in Genesis 4:7 is similar in words and grammar as Genesis 3:16.

Thus, the proper interpretation of “thy desire shall be unto thy husband” is that there will be conflicts and struggles between a husband and a wife in their sinful state as the woman tries to wrest control over the relationship divinely ordained for the man. (Please read my article on “The Myth of Mutual Submission” for more on this issue.)

B-E-S-T formula for a great marriage

The second foundational truth above sounds very familiar for those of you who have read Dr. Ed Wheat’s “Love Life For Every Married Couple” or Dr. James Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough.” I wrote a review of Dr. Wheat’s B-E-S-T formula for saving your marriage alone entitled “Priceless counsel from a bargain sale book” which you might want to re-read later on.

Stanley and his co-authors propose six ground rules by which couples can handle the inevitable conflicts in marriage and thus help these couples “work as a team to protect and strengthen their marriage.”

Ground Rule No. 1: When conflict begins to escalate, we will call a Time Out and either try talking again, using the Speaker-Listener Technique, or agree to talk later at a specified time about the issue, using the Speaker-Listener Technique.

By “Time Out,” Stanley and his co-authors mean deliberately not discussing a problem right now and setting a definite future time to discuss the problem. The purpose of the “Time Out” is to defuse the explosive situation so that the couple can discuss the problem at a definite time and date when they are both level headed and prepared.

Ground Rule No. 2: When we are having trouble communicating, we will engage the Speaker-Listener Technique.

The “Speaker-Listener Technique” that Stanley and his co-authors discuss in Chapter 3 of their book, is a way by which both spouses take turns in talking about the problem (instead of out shouting and interrupting each other), with the other spouse paraphrasing what the other spouse just said so that it becomes clear that he or she understood correctly what the other said or meant, etc. As James 1: 19 admonishes us, “… let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

As marriage counselors and pastors would say, husbands and wives should learn to bite their tongue. Words recklessly spewed out against a marriage partner can and will tear the very fabric of your marriage. Listen to what the Apostle James says about the tongue in Chapter 3, verses 3 to 12:

3. Behold, we put bits in the horses' mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body.
4. Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth.
5. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!
6. And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.
7. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:
8. But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
9. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.
10. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.
11. Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?
12. Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.

Relational skills for a man: Duck and dodge, bob and weave

Secular psychologist John Gray in his book “Mars and Venus: Together Forever” (copyright 1994, 1996 by J.G. Productions Inc.) tackles in Chapter 5 of his book some skills a man should know and practice whenever he finds himself in a fight with his wife. Gray teaches men how to duck and dodge, bob and weave whenever they are faced with an onslaught of emotions, a barrage of angry words from their wives. He says that when a woman talks out loud and expresses a lot of emotions towards her husband, what she really is doing is processing her thoughts and feelings about the matter or the situation.

In essence, Gray says that today’s women still long for strong men and don’t necessarily want their husbands to fold up and give in to whatever they’re saying. He says that most often, women simply want to feel heard and be considered. (Hey, duck and dodge, bob and weave, these are boxing terms!)

Ground Rule No. 3: When discussing an important issue, we will completely separate Problem Discussion from Problem Solution.

Stanley and his co-authors say that “Problem discussion is about understanding one another. Problem solving is about taking action together.” They warn that a lot of couples rush into decisions in order to avoid conflicts. When the hasty decision doesn’t work out, the couple becomes discouraged. As they point out, Proverbs 18:13 still holds true: “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.”

In Chapter 4 of their book, Stanley and his co-authors state three key assumptions that help couples create stronger marriages. These key assumptions are: [1] All couples have problems; [2] It is best to handle problems as a team; and [3] Rushed solutions are poor solutions.

In Chapter 6, Stanley and his co-authors discuss what they call “hidden issues” which so often underlie fights and disagreements between couples. These hidden issues are: [1] control and power; [2] needing and caring; [3] recognition; [4] commitment; and [5] integrity.

Ground Rule No. 4: We can bring up an issue at any time, but the listener can say “This is not a good time.” If the listener does not want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future (usually within twenty-four to forty-eight hours).
What does Ephesians 4:26 say? “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” Or in paraphrase, husbands and wives should keep short accounts with each other.

Ground Rule No. 5: We will have weekly couple meetings.

Stanley and his co-authors say that couples should deliberately carve time out of their busy schedules and not let anything or anyone interfere with this special time together. They say that this weekly couple meeting acts as a safety valve for the marriage because husbands and wives know that problems won’t be swept under the rug and conveniently forgotten. They further say that couples should always take this time together, if not to discuss problems, then simply to reconnect with one another. Emotional connection is achieved through conversation and the sharing of feelings, thoughts, ideas and plans between a man and a woman.

One time, while I was on an FX taxi on the way to Cubao, I overheard a conversation between the driver and his wife who was seated beside him. When we passed by Ali Mall, the wife began gently asking her husband to take time out and watch a particular movie with her. But the husband curtly replied, “That’s not important and is a waste of time. What’s important is for us to be able to provide food on the table for our kids.”

Well, well, well, that FX taxi driver and a lot of husbands should be reminded of how women measure their marriage. Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, said, “Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.”

Ground Rule No. 6: We will make time for the great things of marriage - fun, friendship, sensuality, and spiritual connection. We will agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.

Well, well, well, there you have it, men and women, six proven ground rules designed to keep the inevitable fights with your spouse within a reasonable and Biblical structure. So the next time you get into a problem or a fight with your spouse, remember and observe these ground rules, okay? Are you ready? Let’s get it on!

Happy Father's Day! [Men and women, boys and girls (2)]

“Why do men think the things they think, say the things they say, and do the things they do?”
This is a picture of my niece Chloe (Grade 3) and my nephew Gino (Grade 1) during a swimming and birthday party for one of their schoolmates in Greenhills Christian Fellowship. They’re both cute just like their uncle. Hey, what can I say? Cuteness is in our genes!

Last year, during the hot summer months, my cute niece Chloe and cute nephews Danfil, Darwin, and Gino would oftentimes bring out the inflatable pool, place it in our dinky driveway, air it up, and fill it up with water. My nephews would just put on their shorts and their goggles and jump right into the water. My cute niece Chloe however would always come up me and ask for help in putting on her goggles. As I helped her put on her goggles, she would always tell me in a stern voice, “Huwag mong guluhin ang buhok ko!” Women! I mean, women kids!

In previous articles entitled “Can you read my mind?” and “Do wives really want husbands to share their feelings and thoughts with them?” I discussed some differences between men and women, and how women, following Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s advice, should engage in direct communication with their husbands. I was a bit worked up writing that article, asking twice rhetorically, as to what women really wanted from men.

Tough and Tender

Well, I’ve got an “oldie but a goodie” of a book written by Joyce Landorf way back in 1975 which states what women do want from their husbands. Entitled “Tough and Tender,” Landorf says that wives want their husbands to be:

[1] The Decision Maker

[2] The Spiritual leader

[3] The Exceptional Listener

[4] The Wise Gentleman

[5] The Gentle Lover

Well, well, well, these don’t sound too difficult to be or to do, right, guys? But speaking as a lawyer who has counseled women over the years, I guess we have to admit that husbands really have a lot of work to do before reaching the standard that Landorf discusses in her book.

I’ve got to tell you that I am not married, and that the information and discussions in this blog about marriage and the family come firstly, from my readings and secondly, from my years of counseling women who either want to have their marriage annulled or who want to escape from abusive relationships. It’s not that I don’t want to get married because I do, as I told you in my previous “Covenant Marriage” article. It’s just that after having been turned down three times by the same woman, I’m beginning to get a little bit discouraged ...ü

In her last chapter (“A Most Unlikely Man”), Landorf enumerates several processes necessary for a man to grow into the man God intends him to be. These are:

[1] You may need a realignment of attitudes.

[2] You may need to change; Learn to live with your past mistakes; Let each partner move at his own pace and at his own rate of speed toward change; Consider how you, not your wife or your children, could change to make your life and marriage more meaningful.

[3] You may need to make a commitment to effort.

Well, we’ve heard from women what they want from us men. Perhaps it’s time now for women to listen how men think of themselves, how men really are, or simply, what makes men tick, so to speak.

Wild at Heart
 
John Eldredge, in one of his books (either “Journey of Desire” or “Wild at Heart”) says that people are not gender-less souls inhabiting male and female bodies. He says that we are created either as man or woman but either way, created in the image of God. What he says sounds truly Biblical, but I’m willing to be corrected by those of you who have better theological background than I have.

Eldredge in his book “Wild at Heart, Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul” (copyright 2001; published by Thomas Nelson Inc.) enumerates three universal desires which are the clues to masculinity itself. These are:

[1] A battle to fight

[2] An adventure to live

[3] A beauty to rescue

Eldredge is a superb writer, in the class of Philip Yancey. Four lines from his book which are worth the price of the book (quite expensive at almost four hundred pesos) are the following:

[1] Page 62: “Masculinity is bestowed.”
[2] Page 63: “Femininity can never bestow masculinity.”

[3] Page 184: “If masculinity has come under assault, femininity has been brutalized.”
[4] Page 211: “… The most terrifying question any man ever asks his woman: ‘What’s wrong?” After that it’s all mystery. A woman doesn’t want to be related to with formulas, and she certainly doesn’t want to be treated like a project that has answers to it. She doesn’t wan to be solved; she wants to be known.”

What eloquent words can I use to say that Eldredge is a great writer? Hmm, maybe “WOW!” would best sum it all up.

Please take note however that there might be some questions or reservations about Eldredge’s theology and ideas. In pages 30 and 31, for example, he espouses what is known in theology as “open theism,” that is, God takes real risks, not knowing the outcome of everything in the world. Calvinist theologian and Baptist pastor John Piper, I think, has effectively countered “open theism” in his book “The Pleasures of God.” Probe Ministries, in its review of Eldredge’s ideas, says that his language is inaccurate and that he sometimes confuses recklessness with manliness.

The Man in the Mirror
 
A lot of men measure their masculinity and worth through success, financially, academically or professionally. As the saying goes, “He who has the most toys, wins.” Or more eloquent still, “Big toys for the big boys!”

Using this criteria of success, Patrick Morley has definitely earned the right to speak about masculinity. He graduated with honors from the University of Central Florida and completed studies at Harvard Business School and reformed Theological Seminary. He founded Morley properties which in the 1970’s became one of Florida’s one hundred largest privately held companies. When his book “The Man in the Mirror” became a worldwide bestseller in 1989, he sold his business and founded his ministry to men, encouraging and inspiring new lives through Jesus Christ. His website is www.maninthemirror.org.

(The last time I looked, the only book of Morley which is locally available, beside “Man in the Mirror” is “Walking With Christ in the Details of Life.”)

Morley in his book discusses issues and problems that men struggle with. He answers the questions “Why do men think the things they think, say the things they say, and do the things they do?” Whether you’re a man or a woman, you will learn a lot from Morley’s discussion of the following issues:

[1] The Rat Race
[2] Leading an Unexamined Life
[3] Biblical Christian or Cultural Christian?
[4] Significance: The Search for Meaning and Purpose
[5] Purpose: Why Do I Exist?
[6] The Secret of Job Contentment
[7] Broken relationships
[8] Children: How to Avoid Regrets
[9] Wives: How to be Happily Married
[10] Friends: Risks and Rewards
[11] Money: A Biblical Point of View
[12] The Four Pillars of Financial Strength
[13] Decisions: How to Make the Right Choice
[14] Priorities: How to Decide What’s Important
[15] Time Management: Doing God’s Will
[16] Pride
[17] Fear
[18] Anger
[19] The Desire to be Independent
[20] Avoiding Suffering
[21] Integrity: What’s the Price?
[22] Leading a Secret Thought Life
[23] Accountability: The Missing Link
[24] How Can a Man Change?

Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart

The gender issues facing us today are primarily spiritual and theological at their core. Everything we do as humans is influenced strongly by our gender realities. Gender is a very basic element in dealing with our identity. In his or her soul, every human being asks a few basic questions: Who am I? Am I loved? Am I good or bad? Am I a boy or a girl – a man or a woman?

These lines are from Stu Webber’s book, “Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart” (copyright 1997; Multnomah Books; published in the Philippines by OMF Literature Inc). Webber is definitely a man’s man – he became an Airborne Ranger and then fought in the Vietnam War as one of the tough and elite Green Berets of the 5th US Special Forces. In one occasion, crunched inside a foxhole waiting to engage the Vietcong in bloody battle, Webber surrendered his life to God in full-time ministry.

Webber, drawing upon the work of secular psychologists Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette, says that there are four pillars of Biblical manhood upon which marriage, family, church and community (the nation) rest. All these institutions collapse when the pillars lean out of balance. According to Webber, these pillars and core characteristics of what a Biblical man truly is are the following:

[1] King – provides; core characteristic – cares deeply

[2] Warrior – protects; core characteristic - contends courageously

[3] Mentor – teaches; core characteristic - communicates transparently

[4] Friend – connects; core characteristic – connects deliberately

Citing Gillette and Moore, Webber in page 62 says that the common results in a man when a pillar is leaning, absent or abused are:

[1] King becomes either an abdicator or a tyrant, resulting in disorder and chaos, family dysfunction, and oppression;

[2] Warrior becomes a coward or a brute, results in fear, abuse, cruelty and hatred.

[3] Mentor becomes either a dunce or know-it-all, resulting in lack of discipline, personal immaturity, disregard for Scripture and spiritual insensitivity.

[4] Friend becomes a loner or a smotherer, resulting in unavailability, personal isolation, emotional detachment and illicit sensuality.

Probe Ministries has two articles on Webber's ideas which you might find interesting. These are "Four Pillars of a Man's Heart" and "Is the Tender Warrior Wild at Heart?"

Let’s hear it for the women!

A bonus part of Webber’s book is the postscript “A Woman Among The Pillars.” Here, Webber discusses the ways women can support the King Pillar of their husband’s hearts:

[1] Read, learn, apply and learn.
[2] Love unconditionally.
[3] Listen intently.
[4] Don’t expect him to meet all your emotional needs.
[5] Understand the power you have.
[6] See your husband as God’s gift to you.
[7] Appreciate the little things he does, as well as the “big” things.
[8] Give him some space.
[9] Physically appreciate him
[10] Follow his leadership.
[11] See your marriage as a journey, not a destination.

Well, ladies, there you have it, the keys to understanding the man in your life, from men about men, for men and women ... Happy Father's Day!

Relationship tip from Angel Locsin

As far as I am concerned, Philippine movie star Angel Locsin is the most beautiful woman in the universe.

Yesterday, in a TV Patrol interview, Angel Locsin said that she spent several hours a few days ago looking for a pair of white sneakers that her boyfriend really wanted to have. What’s her boyfriend’s name, again? Never mind, never mind … Anyway, she gave the sneakers as a birthday gift to her boyfriend who is currently abroad.

I don’t know if Angel Locsin has ever read Dr. Willard Harley Jr’s classic book “His Needs, Her Needs.” Dr. Harley said that gifts to men should be practical (like white sneakers for walking around comfortably), while gifts to women should be sentimental.

Hmm, let me see, what sentimental gift can I give to Angel Locsin (while her boyfriend is still abroad)?

Note: Dr. Harley’s website is www.marriagebuilders.com; Read a sample chapter of his book “His Needs, Her Needs”

Helpful articles on adoption, infertility, and related issues by Sandra Glahn

Posted below are links to several articles by Sandra Glahn on the issues of infertility and adoption. Sandra knows from personal experience how difficult infertility can be; she endured a decade of infertility treatment that included multiple pregnancy losses, three failed adoptions, and an ectopic pregnancy.

Sandra quotes Alice Domar, Ph.D., director of the Mind/Body Center for Women’s Health in Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center at Harvard Medical School: “The depression and anxiety experienced by infertile women are equivalent to that in women suffering from a terminal illness.”

• Positive Adoption Language
• Infertility: Myths and Facts
• A Heart's Desire: Encouragement for Couples Facing Infertility
• Infertility Tries Patients' Patience
• Facing the No-Baby Blues

P.S. Because some Filipinos intensely desire to have children, they have resorted to what is known as “simulation of birth” which is a criminal offense punishable by eight years of imprisonment. Please browse my Legal Updates blog post titled “Procedures in adoption under RA 8552” where I discussed the Philippine laws and procedures in adoption and what simulation of birth is.

Photo source: ChristianPhotos.Net - Free High Resolution Photos for Christian Publications

Men are terrible mind readers ...

For the last two weeks, I have been teaching Literature to 2nd year students of the Asia Baptist Bible College (a ministry of the Sta. Mesa Baptist Bible Church under Rev. Joseph Boyd Lyons). Since I began teaching this subject, I have spent the first week of this one-month long subject reading and discussing poetry (Shakespeare, John Milton, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Emily Dickinson, Omar Khayyam, Khalil Gibran, etc).

A consistent favorite among my students is the Philippines’ very own “Beyond Forgetting” written by Rolando Carbonell. As part of the graded activities, I require my students to recite “Beyond Forgetting” from memory. With some background music by guitar or piano, the students’ recitation of the poem can sometimes be, well, beyond forgetting …

Carbonell (who has seven earned doctorates!) wrote this love poem and several others for his wife in the 1960’s, if I’m not mistaken. I remember reading this collection of poems when I was an AB English student in Philippine Christian University in the late 70’s.

More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence

You might be wondering why I am talking about love poems in a blog that focuses on more practical issues in relationships, marriage and the family. Well, the persona in Carbonell’s poem, near the end of the poem, says, to wit,

You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference. But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart. For how could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone? But perhaps you didn’t understand.

“Silence is the language of my heart …” It’s great poetry, brimming over with passion that makes women swoon, but such sentiment about “silence speaking a more eloquent tone” is the stuff that breaks marriages apart. Or as someone has wisely put it, “More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence.”

Most experts in relationships and marriage will tell you that “communication is the key to your marriage.” In fact, there is a best-selling book by H. Norman Wright with these words as the title. Willard Harley Jr. in his classic book “His Needs, Her Needs” says that a man should spend at least 15 hours a week talking to his wife or girlfriend. Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The Five Love Languages” says that “Words of Affirmation” is a language that a lot of people speak. It is not silence, however eloquent it may be, but words of affirmation that bring vitality to a relationship.

The inability to talk to one another: symptom of a deeper problem

Dr. James Dobson, in his classic, best-selling book “Love Must Be Tough” (copyright 1983, 1996 by Word Incorporated; published 1999 in the Philippines by OMF Literature) however has a different take on the lack of communication between spouses. He says on page 26:

The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way one spouse begins to perceive the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped. That’s the key word, trapped.

But the fact is, during the intense, passion-filled days before marriage, a man and a woman can hardly keep themselves apart, talking, whispering, sharing secrets, plans, hopes, wishes and dreams. So what happens after marriage? The man retreats to reading his newspaper or watching the news on TV, while the woman tends the kids, watching the telenovelas by herself. So what happened? Too many wives and husbands have been hearing nothing from their spouses except for what Simon and Garfunkel said in their 1960’s hit song - the sounds of silence.

(Please read my post “Transformers: Why do persistent suitors become passive husbands?” You might also want to re-read my article “Love Potion No. 9” which discusses the effects of the so-called cuddle chemicals on the emotions of love, and what happens when these chemicals subside.)

Women’s foolish and persistent notion that men can read their minds

In the 1970’s the late Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder starred in a Superman movie that produced a hit song entitled, if I’m not mistaken, “Can you read my mind?” A common mistake that a lot of women make (okay, okay, some men also make this mistake) is assuming that their boyfriends or husbands can read their minds.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his website http://www.loveandrespect.com/ has a video clip where he narrates the story of a man and woman talking about where to celebrate their 5th wedding anniversary. It’s a very funny clip, but it shows how wives can sometimes leave their husbands hanging in mid-air, not knowing what women really want. And all because women have this foolish and persistent notion that if their boyfriends or husbands are really in touch with their emotions, they would be able to read their minds and know what they want.

Lest you think that I am just being chauvinistic, let me cite two authors (female, mind you) who encourage women to say directly to their husbands what they really want. These are Gaye Wheat, co-writer of the book “Intended for Pleasure” (copyright 1977 by Fleming H. Revel, 1981, 1997 by Ed and Gaye Wheat; published in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade and available in National Bookstore branches), and Dr. Laura Schlessinger (more popularly known in the US simply as Dr. Laura).

Gaye Wheat, in pages 153 and 154 of “Intended for Pleasure”, say:

It is amazing how silent we women are on something as important as the sex act in marriage. We wish in silence or we suffer in silence or we hope that this time he will be different, that this time he will think of doing that which we long for him to do. Why not just tell him?

While Gaye Wheat makes this wise observation in the context of a wife’s sexual relationship with her husband, this advice for a wife to speak up and say what she wants can be translated into other areas of marriage.

I’m sure a lot of you are now reaching out for your Bible and searching for Proverbs 27:5 which says, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.” Hebrew poetry is marked by parallelism, by the use of antithesis and synthesis. Most preachers have interpreted Proverbs 27:5 as an antithesis, but that’s wrong. The verse should be read together with Proverbs 28:234, Psalms 141:5 and Galatians 4:16, and should be interpreted as a synthesis. That is, if you love somebody, you should be brave enough, willing enough to confront that person about his errors and sins.

Men need direct communication from their wives

Dr. Laura has written a book entitled “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Probe Ministries, through Sue Bohlin, has a review of Dr. Laura’s book which you might want to check out. Dr. Laura says that women should realize that men need direct communication from their wives. Among other things, Dr. Laura says,

Men make terrible mind readers, so be direct. Dropping subtle hints doesn’t work with most men, and it doesn’t mean a man is insensitive, uncaring or oblivious.

The bottom line? Men cannot read their wives’ minds and neither should wives expect their husbands to be able to do so. It may be a lot less romantic for a woman to engage in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband, rather than dropping subtle hints here and there. But she will save herself a lot of heartaches and frustrations if she, as Gaye Wheat and Dr. Laura both say, engages in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband.