Love in any language?

Most of you might have heard Sandy Patti’s song “Love in any language” where the chorus goes like this:

“Love in any language
Straight from the heart
Pulls us all together
Never apart
And once we learn to speak it
All the world will hear
Love in any language
Fluently spoken here”

It’s a great song in terms of lyrics and melody. In terms of marriage and relationships however, the song completely misses the point if we are to believe “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” written by Dr. Gary Chapman.

I bought and read Chapman’s book six or seven years ago. I read it through and then Ela, my former Bible school student, borrowed it. Ela has since then gotten married and given birth to her first child but she has not yet returned the book to me. “Ela, i-soli mo na ang book ko!”


The Five Love Languages

Chapman says that unhappiness in relationships often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages. He identifies these love languages as (1) Words of Affirmation; (2) Quality Time; (3) Receiving Gifts; (4) Acts of Service; and (5) Physical Touch.

Please take note that I don’t agree with everything that Chapman says in his book. David Powlison’s article titled “Love Speaks Many Languages Fluently” from The Journal of Biblical Counseling best sums up what is right experientially and what is wrong Biblically with Chapman’s concepts.

Basically, Chapman says that if your spouse speaks the Words of Affirmation language and you’re always giving him gifts, he’s not going to feel loved and you’re not going to know why. What speaks love to you may be meaningless to your spouse. During a marriage seminar I attended several years ago at Capitol City Baptist Church in Quezon City, Ptr. Clem Guillermo told the story of a husband and wife on the brink of a break-up. The husband gave his wife lavish gifts in the forms of a mansion, cars, and several round-the-world travels. During one counseling session with Ptr. Clem, the husband in exasperation asked his wife, “Why don’t you think that I Iove you? I have given you so much!” To which the wife answered, “If you really loved me, why don’t you tell me that you love me?”

The tragic thing in Ptr. Clem’s story is that both the husband and wife really loved each other. And yet, their marriage was in trouble. It is obvious that the husband and his wife were speaking love to each other in a language that may be normal for him or her but completely alien to the other. The end result is that the man and the woman were in marital conflict. The troubling thought is that there are marriages that span decades but spouses are not hearing what they are trying to say to each other. As inspirational writer Max Lucado once said, “A man can spend a lifetime with a woman and yet never gaze into her soul.”

In terms of gifts, Dr. Willard Harley Jr. in his book “His Needs, Her Needs” says that gifts to men should be practical while gifts to women should be sentimental. In terms of touch, Dr. Ed Wheat in his classic book “Love Life for every married couple” cites 20 plus things husbands and wives can express love through physical touch.

Chapman’s concept of the Five Love Languages can be summarized as follows:

(1) Love is expressed in many different ways or languages;

(2) People experience love in different ways and understanding this can be helpful to a mate desiring to love his/her spouse effectively;

(3) People express love according to the way they wish to receive it and therefore “we must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love”.

(4) When people do not get what they want, unpleasant emotions, actions, and behaviors are often the response; and

(5) Spouses must consider each other’s preferences and interests.

How can you discover what your love language is? Take the 30-Second Assessment from Chapman's The Five Love Languages website.

Chapman explains his concept of the Five Love Languages in this way:

In the area of linguistics, there are major language groups: Japanese, Chinese, Spanish, English, Portuguese, Greek, German, French, and so on. Most of us grow up learning the language of our parents and siblings, which becomes our primary or native tongue. Later, we may learn additional languages but usually with much more effort. These become our secondary languages. We speak and understand best our native language. We feel most comfortable speaking that language. The more we use a secondary language, the more comfortable we become conversing in it. If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone else who speaks only his or her primary language, which is different from ours, our communication will be limited. We must rely on pointing, grunting, drawing pictures, or acting out our ideas. We can communicate, but it is awkward. Language differences are part and parcel of human culture. If we are to communicate effectively across cultural lines, we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate.

In the area of love, it is similar. Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other. My friend on the plane was speaking the language of “Affirming Wors to his third wife when he said, "I told her how beautiful she was. I told her I loved her. I told her how proud I was to be her husband." He was speaking love, and he was sincere, but she did not understand his language. Perhaps she was looking for love in his behavior and didn't see it. Being sincere is not enough. We must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.

My conclusion after twenty years of marriage counseling is that there are basically five emotional love languages-five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. In the field of linguistics a language may have numerous dialects or variations. Similarly, within the five basic emotional love languages, there are many dialects. That accounts for the magazine articles titled “10 Ways to Let Your Spouse Know You Love Her,” “20 Ways to Keep Your Man at Home,” or “365 Expressions of Marital Love.” There are not 10, 20, or 365 basic love languages. In my opinion, there are only five. However, there may be numerous dialects. The number of ways to express love within a love language is limited only by one's imagination. The important thing is to speak the love language of your spouse.

We have long known that in early childhood development each child develops unique emotional patterns. Some children, for example, develop a pattern of low self-esteem whereas others have healthy self-esteem. Some develop emotional patterns of insecurity whereas others grow up feeling secure. Some children grow up feeling loved, wanted, and appreciated, yet others grow up feeling unloved, unwanted, and unappreciated.

The children who feel loved by their parents and peers will develop a primary emotional love language based on their unique psychological makeup and the way their parents and other significant persons expressed love to them. They will speak and understand one primary love language. They may later learn a secondary love language, but they will always feel most comfortable with their primary language. Children who do not feel loved by their parents and peers will also develop a primary love language. However, it will be somewhat distorted in much the same way as some children may learn poor grammar and have an underdeveloped vocabulary. That poor programming does not mean they cannot become good communicators. But it does mean they will have to work at it more diligently than those who had a more positive model. Likewise, children who grow up with an underdeveloped sense of emotional love can also come to feel loved and to communicate love, but they will have to work at it more diligently than those who grew up in a healthy, loving atmosphere.

Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to speak our primary love language, and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love, but the message does not come through because we are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language. Therein lies the fundamental problem, and it is the purpose of this book to offer a solution. That is why I dare to write another book on love. Once we discover the five basic love languages and understand our own primary love language, as well as the primary love language of our spouse, we will then have the needed information to apply the ideas in the books and articles.

Once you identify and learn to speak your spouse's primary love language, I believe that you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage. Love need not evaporate after the wedding, but in order to keep it alive most of us will have to put forth the effort to learn a secondary love language. We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want him/her to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in his or her primary love language.

When will we ever learn?

Chapman’s concept of the Five Love Languages is so stunningly simple and effective. Husband and wives (or boyfriends and girlfriends) must find out what their partner’s primary love language is and express love to him or her in that language.

Here in the Philippines, the number of cases of annulment, legal separation and declaration of nullity of marriage has been rising through the years. The Office of the Solicitor General reported that in 2007, there were a total of 7,753 cases filed by persons seeking to terminate their marriage 4,520 cases in 2001; 5,250 in 2002; 6,848 in 2003; 6,335 in 2004; and 7,138 in 2006. I wonder, how many marriages could have been saved if spouses only knew about the importance of speaking each other’s primary love language?

The Five Love Languages and a bag full of dikiam

Back in the 1980’s I had a girlfriend from Marikina. When I found out that she loved the Chinese delicacy “dikiam” (the very salty kind), I made it a point to always buy for her a bag full of dikiam. On our way to her special choir practice in Barangka Drive in Mandaluyong, as she ate the dikiam, she would throw the seeds one by one out of the jeepney we were riding on. Anyone who wanted to know where we were going simply had to follow the trail of dikiam seeds littering the whole of Ortigas Avenue! Hey, I may not have yet read Chapman's book back then but I was speaking her primary love language, in the form of a bag full of dikiam!

Other resources by Chapman

Chapman has written a series of books about the Five Love Languages, namely, The Five Love Languages (Men's Edition), Five Love Languages of Teenagers, and Five Love Languages of Children.

As I noted above, I don’t agree with everything that Chapman says in his book. Please take time to read David Powlison’s article titled “Love Speaks Many Languages Fluently” from The Journal of Biblical Counseling. The article best sums up what is right experientially and what is wrong Biblically with Chapman’s concepts.

Relationship tips for Shalani (and other single men and women)

I have written in various posts that actress Angel Locsin is the most beautiful woman in the universe. This conviction is somewhat being shaken after I have watched intermittently several episodes of a game show hosted by Valenzuela City councilor Shalani Soledad and Willie Revillame. In the past few days, during commercial breaks of the early evening news programs I watch (Channel 7, Channel 2, CNN and BBC), I have switched the television to Channel 5 simply to watch Shalani.

Shalani first came to public attention before the May 2010 elections when news stories reported that she was the girlfriend of then presidential candidate Noynoy Aquino. (One website alleges that Shalani’s mother died when she was young, her biological father is a well-known banker, and the persons she has come to know as parents are her uncle and aunt.) A few short months after the elections, however, we have come to know of the breakup of their relationship. Cyberspace has been filled with stories, rumors, etc. about the reasons for the breakup; both Shalani and PNoy however have kept silent about the issue.

Love must be tough

During the game show, Willie would oftentimes tease Shalani about her broken relationship. It is amazing to watch how calm Shalani is during these times. I don’t know if Shalani has ever read Dr. James Dobson’s bestselling and award-winning book “Love Must Be Tough”. If she hasn’t read this book which has sold three million copies as of this date, I highly encourage her (and other single guys and girls out there) to read it. This book discusses primarily the tough love approach to marital infidelity but the chapter titled “Loving Toughness for Singles” deals with sixteen suggestions on romantic relationships for single men and women.

(Dr. Dobson is the founder of the “Focus on the Family” ministry. I first came to know about Dr. Dobson in 1981 or 1982 when I read his book “Dare to Discipline”. I was then a brand new English teacher in Dona Aurora High School in San Mateo, Rizal. Since that time, this book has sold more than three million copies.

One other book by Dr. Dobson I have read and which you might be interested in is “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women”. More than two million copies of this book have been sold. Dr. Dobson’s opening words in this book “Women have needs that men do not understand” really jolted me. Dr. Dobson, for example, says that men do not know what women go through during menstruation or pregnancy.)

Sixteen suggestions for single men and women on loving toughness

The basic principles in human relationships, according to Dr. Dobson, are:

[1] “It is of highest priority to maintain a distinct element of dignity and self-respect in all romantic encounters.”

[2] “We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that which we are stuck.”

In the chapter titled “Loving Toughness for Singles”, Dr. Dobson enumerates sixteen suggestions that will help singles to “conform to the principles of loving toughness in matters of the heart.” You can read online the complete suggestions part 1 and part 2 from the Arcamax website. Ever since I read this book eight or nine years ago, the suggestion that has really stuck in my mind is no. 11 which states: “Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you cannot live without.” The suggestions that apply to Shalani in her situation right now are numbers 6 and 7. Well, here are Dr. Dobson’s suggestions:

1. Don’t let a relationship move too fast in its infancy. The phrase “too hot not to cool down” has validity. Romantic affairs that begin in a frenzy frequently burn themselves out. Take it one step at a time. (Note: Please read my post “Love Potion No. 9”.)

2. Don’t discuss your personal inadequacies and flaws in great detail when the relationship is new.

3. Remember that respect precedes love. Build it stone upon stone.

4. Don’t call too often on the phone or give the other person an opportunity to get tired of you.

5. Don’t be too quick to reveal your desire to get married -- or that you think you’ve just found Mr. Wonderful or Miss Marvelous. If your partner has not arrived at the same conclusion, you’ll throw him or her into panic.

6. Most important: Relationships are constantly being “tested” by cautious lovers who like to nibble at the bait before swallowing the hook. This testing procedure takes many forms, but it usually involves pulling back from the other person to see what will happen. Perhaps a foolish fight is initiated. Maybe two weeks will pass without a phone call. Or sometimes flirtation occurs with a rival.

In each instance, the question being asked is, “How important am I to you, and what would you do if you lost me?” An even more basic issue lies below that one: “How free am I to leave if I want to?” It is incredibly important in these instances to appear poised, secure and equally independent. Do not grasp the other person and beg for mercy. Some people remain single throughout life because they cannot resist the temptation to grovel when the test occurs.

7. Extending the same concept, keep in mind that virtually every dating relationship that continues for a year or more and seems to be moving toward marriage will be given the ultimate test. A breakup will occur, motivated by only one of the lovers. The rejected individual should know that their future together depends on the skill with which he or she handles that crisis. If the hurting individual can remain calm, the next two steps may be reconciliation and marriage. It often happens that way. If not, then no amount of pleading will change anything.

8. Do not depend entirely upon each other for the satisfaction of every emotional need.

9. Guard against selfishness in your love affair.

10. Beware of blindness to obvious warning signs that tell you that your potential husband or wife is basically disloyal, hateful, spiritually uncommitted, hooked on drugs or alcohol, given to selfishness, etc.

11. Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you cannot live without.

12. Beginning early in the dating relationship, treat the other person with respect and expect the same in return.

13. Do not equate human worth with flawless beauty or handsomeness!

14. If genuine love has escaped you thus far, don't begin believing that “no one would ever want me.” That is a deadly trap that can destroy you emotionally! Millions of people are looking for someone to love. The problem is finding one another! (Note: Please read my post “The One and Only [2]”)

15. Regardless of how brilliant the love affair has been, take time to “check your assumptions” with your partner before committing yourself to marriage.

16. Sexual familiarity can be deadly to a relationship. In addition to the many moral, spiritual and physical reasons for remaining virgins until marriage, there are numerous psychological and interpersonal advantages as well. Though it’s an old-fashioned notion, perhaps, it is still true that men do not respect “easy” women and often become bored with those who have held nothing in reserve. Likewise, women often disrespect men who have only one thing on their minds. Both sexes need to remember how to use a very ancient word. It’s pronounced “NO!”

So, who do I think now is the most beautiful woman in the universe - Angel Locsin or Shalani Soledad? Hmm, let me watch Shalani’s show tonight and then I will let you know ...

What a woman really wants

Max Lucado is one of my favorite writers; I have more than six of his books (the locally-reprinted editions which cost less than a hundred pesos each, not the originals which cost more than three hundred pesos each). I don’t remember from what book but Lucado said, “A man can spend a lifetime with a woman and yet never gaze into her soul.” Wow! This is the kind of writing and insight that makes women swoon and me to go out and eat some pizza ...

Any man you talk to has, at various times in his life, thrown his hands up and shaken his head, wondering what the woman in his life really wants from him. As someone (Sigmund Freud? John Donne?) said, “Every woman is a science.” In the early 1970’s, I had a National Science Development Board scholarship in UP Diliman. I barely passed Math 17 and failed Physics 41, Math 53 and Engineering Science I. Hmm, this must be the reason I don’t understand women …

Dr. James Dobson in his book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” (page 65) says on:

“Women yearn to be the special sweethearts of their men, being respected and appreciated and loved with tenderness. This is why a homemaker often thinks about her husband during the day and eagerly awaits his arrival home. It explains why their wedding anniversary is more important to her, and why he gets clobbered when he forgets. It explains why she is constantly ‘reaching’ for him when he is at home, trying to pull him out of the newspaper or television set; it explains why ‘Absence of Romantic Love in My Marriage’ ranked so high as a source of depression among women, whereas men would have rated it somewhere in the vicinity of last place.” (Living Books; copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc.)

John Eldredge, in his book “Wild At Heart, Discovering The Secret of a Man’s Soul” (page 182), says in a memorable, very poetic way what every woman wants:

“… the deep cry of a little girl’s heart is am I lovely? Every woman needs to know that she is exquisite and exotic and chosen. This is core to her identity, the way she bears the image of God. Will you pursue me? Do you delight in me? Will you fight for me?”

In the late 1990’s, I read through most of Dr. Larry Crabb’s books, namely, “Finding God”, “The Marriage Builder,” “Encouragement, The Key To Caring,” “Understanding People,” “Hope When You’re Hurting,” and “Men and Women, Enjoying the Difference.” Having come to know in recent years about nouthetic or Biblical counseling, I no longer agree with his “Christian psychology” viewpoints. Dr. Crabb, who visited the Philippines in 1994, is a great writer nevertheless. Posted below is an example of his excellent writing from the book “Men and Women, Enjoying the Difference”:

“A woman wants to know that the deepest parts of her being are richly enjoyed by a man who will therefore treat her with tenderness and look at her with delight, someone who will enjoy her because she is enjoyable, and not because of a manipulative desire that hopes to get from her what will bring pleasure to him.

“But women have learned to be skeptical. Every little girl has discovered that not everything wonderful about her will reliably be enjoyed. Some of who she is will at times be ignored, despised, demeaned or selfishly used. In a fallen world, she learns that offering all that she has to another runs the risk of rejection and abuse. And because she too is fallen and therefore committed to her own well-being with no thought of dependence upon God, she figures how to minimize the risks by hiding the tenderest parts of her soul and avoiding an honest look at her ugly parts.

“In order to survive in a world where people carelessly hurt her and use her for their own purposes, she learns to cover her delicate nature with a hard crust, a toughness that is always on alert for dangers. When she is by herself long enough to reflect on what she really wants, she becomes at least vaguely aware (sometimes acutely to the point of despair) of how nice it would be if someone were tough for her.

“Deep within her being, she longs for an advocate, not a tyrant who would control her life with strength, but an advocate whose strength on her behalf would free her to go off duty and to express more of who she really is. She longs for an advocate who would enjoy her and give her the hope that she could invite people into meaningful relationships with the confidence that there really was something about her that could be enjoyed.”

Miss, Ms, or Mrs: Why should a woman use her husband's surname?

In an article entitled “What’s Your Name?” published by The Institute on Religion and Public Life, University of Chicago professors Leon and Amy Kass (husband and wife!) explain in a very scholarly and closely reasoned manner why a married woman should use her husband’s surname. Among other things, they say:

The husband who gives his name to his bride in marriage is thus not just keeping his own; he is owning up to what it means to have been given a family and a family name by his own father - he is living out his destiny to be a father by saying yes to it in advance. And the wife does not so much surrender her name as she accepts the gift of his, given and received as a pledge of (among other things) loyal and responsible fatherhood for her children. A woman who refuses this gift is, whether she knows it or not, tacitly refusing the promised devotion or, worse, expressing her suspicions about her groom’s trustworthiness as a husband and prospective father.

Patrilineal surnames are, in truth, less a sign of paternal prerogative than of paternal duty and professed commitment, reinforced psychologically by gratifying the father’s vanity in the perpetuation of his name and by offering this nominal incentive to do his duty both to mother and child. Such human speech and naming enables the father explicitly to choose to become the parent-by-choice that he, more than the mother, must necessarily be.

Fathers who will not own up to their paternity, who will not “legitimize” their offspring, and who will not name themselves responsible for child-rearing by giving their children their name are, paradoxically, not real fathers at all, and their wives and especially their children suffer. The former stigmatization of bastardy was, in fact, meant to protect women and children from such irresponsible behavior of self-indulgent men (behavior probably naturally rooted in mammalian male psychosexual tendencies), men who would take their sexual pleasures and walk away from their consequences. The removal of the stigma, prompted by a humane concern not to penalize innocent children by calling them “illegitimate,” has, paradoxically but absolutely predictably, contributed mightily to an increase in such fatherless children.

The advantage a woman and her children gain from the commitment of the man to take responsibility and to stay the course - the commitment implied in his embracing the woman and her prospective children with his family name, now newly understood - is by itself sufficient reason why it is in a woman’s interest as a married-woman-and-mother-to-be to readily take the bridegroom’s name.

But there is a deeper reason why this makes sense. The change of the woman’s name, from family of origin to family of perpetuation, is the perfect emblem for the desired exogamy of human sexuality and generation. The woman in marriage not only expresses her humanity in love (as does the man); she also embraces the meaning of marriage by accepting the meaning of her womanly nature as generative. In shedding the name of her family of origin, she tacitly affirms that children of her womb can be legitimated only exogamously. Her children will not bear the same name as-will not "belong to"-her father; moreover, her new name allows also her father to recognize formally the mature woman his daughter has become. Whereas the man needs convention to make up-by expansion-for his natural deficiency, the woman needs convention to humanize-by restriction-the result of her natural prowess. By anticipating necessity and by thus choosing to accept the gift of her husband’s name, the woman affirms the meaning of her own humanity by saying yes to customizing her given nature.

(emphasis by boldfacing supplied)

The Biblical view on a wife’s use of her husband’s surname

The Biblical concept of marriage is found in the Old Testament book of Genesis, chapter 2, verses 20 to 25. Please take note especially of verse 24:

20. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
21. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
22. And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
23. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
24. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
25. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Ephesians 5:21 up to 33 outline the rights and obligations of husbands and wives:

21. Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
22. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26. That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27. That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.32. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

I Peter 3: 1-12 also state the rights and duties of husbands and wives toward each other:

1. Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2. While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4. But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6. Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
7. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
8. Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:
9. Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.
10. For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
11. Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
12. For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.

A wife expresses her Biblical submission by using her husband’s surname

In the area of relationships and marriage, there cannot be a more explosive and divisive issue than that of the headship of men and the submission of women. Sometime in the late 1990’s, I think, the Southern Baptist Convention issued an official statement asking women to “graciously submit” to their husbands. Needless to say, that statement was greeted with controversy, scorn and ridicule from different sectors and even from within the Convention itself. Feminist groups have been saying all these time that the Biblical injunction for women to submit to their husbands is an open invitation for spousal abuse.

If you want a thorough discussion of the Biblical doctrines of the headship of men and the submission of women, I recommend the following books to you:

[1] “Strike the Original Match” by Chuck Swindoll; Multnomah Press © 1980; specifically the chapters entitled “Let’s Repair the Foundation” and “Bricks that Build a Marriage.”

[2] “The Grace Awakening” also by Chuck Swindoll; Word Publishing, ©1996; specifically the chapter entitled “A Marriage Oiled by Grace”

[3] “Together Forever” by Anne Kristin Caroll; Zondervan, © 1982 by Barbara J. Denis); specifically the chapter entitled “Who Wears the Pants?”

[4] “Rocking the Roles” by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks; NavPress, ©1991; specifically the chapters entitled “The ‘S’ Word” and “The Masculine Counterpart to the ‘S’ Word.”

“Being a spiritually submissive wife doesn’t mean being a doormat”

In the New Testament, whenever husband and wife Aquila and Priscilla were mentioned after Acts 18:2 (five times in all), Priscilla was always mentioned first. Bible scholars say that it was probably because Priscilla had the higher social standing, or had the stronger personality and thus was more well-known than her husband.

I have previously written about the headship of men and the submission of women, and you might want to re-read it. Part of that article reads as follows:

Lewis and Hendricks, while maintaining the traditional view of the headship of men and the submission of women, clarify however that submission is not a wife’s role. Rather, they say, submission is the wife’s loving response to her husband’s loving and sacrificial headship.

“Roles” and ‘responses” may sound like only semantics to you, but I encourage you to read “Rocking the Roles.” The most striking statement in this book about submission is found in page 135: “A biblically submissive wife’s focus is not on enabling wrong behavior, but in empowering her husband to pursue right behavior – to become the man God wants him to be, and the leader God wants him to be.”

I remember something Dr. James Dobson wrote in his classic book (highly recommended!) “Love Must Be Tough” about submission. Dobson said, “Being a spiritually submissive wife doesn’t mean being a doormat.”

Caroll, who writes her book out of the crucible of the pain of her divorce (and remarriage to the same guy) says on page 126, “Submission is freedom.”

During the wedding reception of a Filipino missionary couple bound for a Creative Access Nation, the groom wished out loud that his wife would submit to him. That brought about a lot of laughter among the guests. Well, Sir, please do keep in mind Lewis and Hendricks’ definition of submission and I’m sure your marriage will turn out okay. What’s their definition again? “A biblically submissive wife’s focus is not on enabling wrong behavior, but in empowering her husband to pursue right behavior – to become the man God wants him to be, and the leader God wants him to be.”

Parenting Our Kids: a parenting model

This fast paced training video-seminar on parenting kids is an abbreviated version of a larger workshop on parenting from Counseling Solutions. It is based on Ephesians 6:4 as well as four poor parenting models and how they adversely impact our kids.

Top 10 family and relationship articles of 2009, from Crosswalk.com (compiled by Sarah Jennings)

What are men really thinking? Should my child read the Twilight series? How can someone who seemed as wholesome as Tiger Woods do so much harm to his marriage? 2009 proved to be an eventful year for family life, and Crosswalk readers sought Christ-centered answers to their most perplexing relationship questions. Here are the top 10 most-read family and relationship articles of 2009:

1. Sex and the Christian Marriage by Betsy St. Amant
   
2. Women: Discover What Men are Really Thinking by Whitney Hopler
   
3. 12 Traits of an Abusive Relationship by Laura Pethebridge
   
4. He-Said, She-Said: Showing Interest without Causing Lust by Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle
   
5. The Tiger (Woods) in You by Paul Edwards
   
6. Taking on Twilight by Wendy Lee Nentwig
   
7. He-Said, She-Said: Unmarried and Vacationing Together by Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle
   
8. Does God Expect Me to Stay Married to a Jerk? by S. Michael Craven
   
9. 5 Ways to be the Husband God Wants You to Be by Stormie Omartian
   
10. The Difference Between Men’s and Women’s Brains by Whitney Hopler