Charlie Brown, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, and zoe ...

Sometime in the middle 1970’s, I came across the books entitled “The Gospel According to Peanuts” and “More Gospel According To Peanuts.” I don’t remember now who the author was, but the book’s thesis was that the Charles Schultz’s cartoon strip “Peanuts” was essentially Christian in worldview. Wow, Charlie Brown, Lucy, Snoopy, Linus, etc. as theologians!

I had a great time reading those books, first because I identified a lot with Charlie Brown, and second I got introduced to the thoughts of theologians and philosophers like Karl Barth and Soren Kierkaagard which the book often referred to. (I remember reading about Kierkaagard’s views at that same time from Francis Schaeffer’s book “The God Who Is There.”)

I don’t have those books anymore with me. Best that I could remember, I lent the books to a college friend named Al (he eventually went to and graduated from Raffles University in Singapore and has been working there as a journalist since the 1980’s). I don’t remember him ever returning those books. Hmm, maybe I’d better e-mail him about returning those books …

Anyway, one Peanuts cartoon strip from those books showed Charlie Brown walking sadly on the windblown baseball grounds as the school year ended. Charlie Brown was thinking, “I hate it when schooldays are over. There’s a dreariness in the air that depresses me.” That was when Lucy (as usual) gets into the scene and jolts Charlie Brown back into reality.

In the 1990’s, when I was editing the yearbooks of Rizal High School, I wrote a short piece based on that Peanuts cartoon strip, beginning it with Charlie Brown’s thoughts. I used the piece in special sections of the yearbooks, and it captured for a lot of our students their mixed emotions as they approached graduation day. The piece goes like this:

I hate it when schooldays are over. There’s a dreariness in the air that depresses me. Even the rooms that once were filled with laughter are now empty and bare, the fine dust gathering on the wooden chairs, the windows shutting out the light from the dying sun.

Outside the once green grass now turns to deep brown in the parched ground, the trees bare of any leaves, their twisted black branches reaching upwards toward the sky in vain supplication for a little rain. The wind blows and creates swirling clouds of dust that sweep the school grounds and the empty hallways that once echoed the sounds of hurrying feet and young, excited voices.

School days are over, summer is here.

We’ve said our final goodbyes to our dear friends a thousand times, not really wanting each goodbye to be the last and final sad farewell. We cling to our friends, we hold hands tightly as we walk around the school one final time; we visit the rooms that were once our safe and secure refuge from the harshness of life.

We go through the paces of graduation practices, and laugh at the silly mistakes we make. But deep inside us, we feel a cold hand clutching our hearts, knowing that each day brings us closer to the moment when separation from our dear friends becomes inevitable, a moment steeped in profound sadness and absolute finality.

We close our eyes and hope that time can stand still; we will hold this day like a precious diamond in our hands, hold it up and reflect upon its exquisite beauty. If only time can stand still, we will forever be happy, together …

ALL ETERNITY FROZEN IN A SINGLE MOMENT OF YOUTH.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross became famous with her study on death and dying, with the stages that a person who knows he or she is terminally ill (or undergoing deep personal sorrow) oftentimes goes through – anger, denial, bargaining and acceptance. Kubler-Ross discovered that a dying person oftentimes focuses not on his or her academic achievements, career highlights, professional pinnacles, but on snatches of childhood memories, stories of friendships from long ago, and on events that may have seemed insignificant at the time but which impending death and reflection have now given a new perspective. A dying person oftentimes thinks about places that hold special memories (the house in the province, the old high school), childhood friends, falling in love for the first time …

(Talking about love, I first fell in love when I was a Grade 4 student. I can still remember her long black hair, her languid eyes, her beautiful name ... Elaine Rose. Or was it simply Rose? Or only Elaine? Or was Rose my Grade 6 classmate, Elaine my Grade 5 seatmate? Sadly, I don’t remember now ... Ah, young love!)

“All eternity frozen in a single moment of youth …”

Theologians tell us that “zoe” is the Greek word for “eternal life” or “eternity.” One pastor, teaching on eternal life, was innocently asked by a grade school student, “Pastor, do you mean to say that I will forever be a Grade 5 student?” The pastor then explained that “zoe” does not refer only to an endless period of time but also to the distinct quality of life for that endless period of time.

When I was a first year student in high school, I had a classmate named Felino who was a math genius. One time, as we were on the top level of the grandstand, gazing at the Marikina River flowing lazily behind the school, Felino said that when his time to die came, he wanted to be cremated and his ashes scattered all over the river. That he said, was his idea of eternal life.

Reflections on graduation time

Recent weeks have seen a flurry of graduation activities (or “commencement exercises” to be more formal about it) all over the Philippines, from pre-school up to the university level. A news story on television told of a near-riot in the Philippine International Convention Center when over a hundred parents of graduating students from the City College of Manila were denied entry into the hall by security personnel wanting to avoid a possible repeat of the Ultra stampede. One mother came all the way from the Middle East and she was completely in tears at having traveled thousand of miles just to see her child go up the stage and receive her diploma, only to be denied entry at the PICC gates.

Well, that incident only goes to show how Filipinos greatly value education. It also goes to show how sentimental Filipinos are.

From 1989 up to 1996, I edited the yearbook of the Rizal High School in Pasig. Some of you might know that this school is credited in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the largest high school in the world with nearly 26,000 students as of last count. In the yearbooks I edited, I used repeatedly (in the covers, inside front cover, or in some special sections; in full or in excerpts) a piece I wrote about saying goodbye during graduation time. It’s a very sentimental piece and it captures for a lot of high school graduates some of the thoughts that race through their hearts and minds. The piece goes like this:

“Dead Stars” was written by Paz Marquez Benitez in 1928 and it remains to this day, probably one of the most touching short stories ever written in the history of Philippine Literature in English.

In this story, Alfredo, the main character, fell in love with Julia who was visiting her relatives during that summer vacation. But Alfredo never had the chance to tell what he really felt for Julia because he was then engaged to be married to Esperanza, and Julia soon found this out.

Alfredo and Julia had a fleeting moment together as they said goodbye on a beach; the murmuring of the waves and the reddish glow of the sky bathed by the slowly sinking sun, the only witnesses to their unspoken love for each other.

Alfredo eventually married Esperanza, but their marriage was marked not only by the absence of children but also of deep love or simple affection. Through the years, however, Alfredo nurtured in his heart his love for Julia, fanning the fire of his affection with fond remembrance of every little word, every touch, every shared experience …

Years later, Alfredo, a lawyer, had the opportunity to travel to a province in the south where his beloved Julia lived.

With silent fear and hopeful expectations, in the stillness of the night, Alfredo walked along the cobbled streets of that sleepy town, the gas lamps glowing from the windows of houses along the streets, throwing eerie shadows as little children played under an early moon.

He found the house he was looking for, and he found his beloved Julia.

As they talked near the window of that humble nipa house, Alfredo searched Julia’s eyes for a flicker of an emotion, an ember of affection they once shared on a beach that murmured with the crashing of the waves, the sky that glowed with varied hues of red with the slowly sinking sun …

Alfredo left the house, and walked silently, slowly towards the boat docked in the pier.

In the stillness of the night, as little children now lay fast asleep in their homes, the gas lamps now tucked away in safe places, and the streets now deserted except for the eerie shadows of swaying trees, the wind now blowing with a coldness that enveloped the body and touched the soul, and the stars that seemed so far away, suspended in space, in eloquent silence ... Alfredo realized that all through the years, since that day on the beach, he had been seeing the light from dead stars.

We have spent four memorable years here in our beloved school, and the days leading to our graduation day have seen a thousand questions tumbling in our hearts and minds.

Where do we go from here?

For some, the future beckons brightly as they are blessed not only with talent and intelligence but also with open doors and countless opportunities.

For some the future looks dark and dreary, as innocent adolescent pursuits give way to serious concerns for jobs and financial security, with a college education merely a mirage in the dry desert sand of our crushed hopes and ruined dreams.

And still for some of us, there is simply no future to speak about.

Still other questions haunt us as we rush from one graduation practice to another, from one class party to another …

Will our friends in high school remember us through the passing of the years, through the changes in our lives, and through the distance of separation made more poignant when no letters come and birthdays are forgotten?

Will our friends still be there for us when problems come and solutions seem so elusive?

Will our friends remain true to us even as they meet other people and encounter new experiences, or will the friendship we thought would never end, prove finally to be weak and temporal?

Will the joys and pains, heartbreaks and happiness we all shared be simply swept aside, never to be remembered, never to be allowed even a little space in our memories?

Will the hopes and ambitions, the secret dreams we have dared to share only with our truest friends, be simply forgotten or revealed to others in careless, thoughtless ways?

Will our names be remembered?
Will our friendships last?
Will our friends still be our friends?

Life oftentimes has a cruel way of frustrating our dreams, of crushing our ambitions, of ending our friendships …

But our friends have made a promise always to remember …

Life indeed must move on, to bigger things, to better places … and we grow up, physically, emotionally and intellectually, and we will no longer be the kind of persons we were in our high school days …

The saddest truth in the whole universe is that time changes everything.

But our friends have made a promise always to remember …

But as we lie awake at night, the caressing wind carries to our consciousness the melodies of songs that brought wonder and meaning to our lives, songs that signified every turning point in our destinies, songs that we once shared and sang together as friends …

Slowly, the half-forgotten lyrics become clearer and they bring us back to our high school days …

Indeed, we have promised always to t remember. We can always remember. We must always remember …

I’m looking now at one of the yearbooks I edited more than ten years ago. Looking at the black and white pictures that I shot brings back a lot of good memories of me and my students as we spent weekends printing the pictures in our school’s makeshift darkroom) . I have kept in touch with some of these high school students through the years. From time to time, news comes to me in various ways about what happened to this girl, to that guy …

What brings, however, a lot of sadness to me have been the stories of some of these high school students, some in their late 20’s and others in the early 30’s, whose marriages have failed. Several years ago, I accidentally met a former student who was getting married that day in a civil wedding to be solemnized by a judge. Parents on both sides were there, the bride and the groom were both college graduates and gainfully employed, and everything seemed to say the marriage was going to be successful. Two years after her wedding, she called me up and asked for help in annulling her marriage.

The graduation piece I shared with you above emphasizes the value of our human relationships (maybe the more appropriate word is "overemphasizes"). Dr. Larry Crabb in his book, “The Marriage Builder” (copyright 1982 by Zondervan Corporation; published in the Philippines by Evangelical Touch Outreach Ministries Inc.) says however that ultimate security and fulfillment can never be found in human relationships. Dr. Crabb says,

“We all have deep personal needs for security and significance that cannot be met outside a relationship. Many people deal with their needs wrongly by:

1. Ignoring their existence and looking for satisfaction of personal needs with physical pleasures;

2. Settling for counterfeit personal satisfaction through achievement, recognition, affluence and the like which can never provide real security or significance;

3. Turning to their marriage partners for security and significance. The result is a manipulative relationship designed to use each other for personal satisfaction. Because no marital partner is fully adequate to meet another’s personal needs, such an exploitative relationship will invariably experience conflict.

Happy graduation!

Life after Life

One of the hit movies worldwide in the 1970’s was “Sunshine” starring Cristina Raines and Cliff de Young, I think, based on the tape-journals kept by a young mother dying of leukemia. I’m sure you have heard the movie’s theme song by John Denver. I watched this movie three times, I think, on TV reruns; hey, what can I say? I’m a sentimental kind of guy!

“Sunshine” is probably the only movie about death and dying that has become a huge box office hit. As the man on the street would say, “What kind of a movie is it if the hero dies at the end?” The story is told that in one Fernando Poe Jr. movie, moviegoers in Muslim Mindanao rioted when the character played by “Da King” died at the end of the movie.

Several weeks ago, we heard and saw on television news reports of the tragic story of former teen idol Darius Razon — losing his daughter in a fire several years ago, and three weeks ago, his son Denver in a car accident …

Somehow it seems unnatural for a man’s children to die ahead of him. Nature seems to dictate that parents are buried by their children, and not the other way around. I remember several years ago, there was a plane accident in Mindanao where all the passengers and crew died. During an interview, a grieving mother said of her college-age son (one of the passengers), “I didn’t think he would die at such at a young age.”

Death is an inescapable fact of life. Everyone who has ever lived died. Everyone living now will eventually die. I think it was Sigmund Freud, father of psychoanalysis, who said, “Death is the goal of life.” The late Peter Marshall, famous preacher and chaplain to the US Senate, once said, "Death is not a wall; it's a door." So it's really fitting to speak of “life after life” and not “life after death.”

John Donne, poet and preacher to England’s monarchy more than a century ago, described death this way:

“All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be translated. God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God’s hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall be open for one another.”

The Bible in Hebrews 9:27 says it simply but definitively: “For it is appointed unto men once to die, and after this, the judgment.” In law school, I took a one-unit required, non-bar course called “Medical Jurisprudence.” My professor was a very kind medical doctor and who was the town vice-mayor at that time; he passed me even though I didn’t get to read through the textbook. But then again, in the late 70s, I was a great fan of the TV series “Quincey, Medical Examiner” starring Jack Klugman. “Quincey” is the forerunner of the various “CSI” shows today. I learnedenough forensics from watching “Quincey” to pass the final exams in Medical Jurisprudence.

The only thing I can remember now from that course was that one way of determining death was to place a mirror near the patient’s mouth and nostrils. If the mirror wasn’t fogged, then the patient was deemed to have stopped breathing and then pronounced dead by the attending doctor. (Hmm, this could be the reason why women carry around with them a “compact” with face powder and a mirror in it. Some women would rather die than be caught in public without their make-up. Just kidding! I just couldn’t resist this kind of non-sequitur jokes and comments!)

It is said that the ancient Greeks, despite using the best means available to them, were puzzled as to why the human body weighed the same before and immediately after death. They wondered as to what was missing in the human body so that what was once alive was now dead.

The medical community, here and abroad, has used several criteria by which to determine whether a person is dead or alive. These are:

1. Heart-lung death: the irreversible cessation of spontaneous respiration and circulation

2. Whole-brain death: the irreversible cessation of all functions of the entire brain, including the brain stem, even if the heart and digestive systems are still functioning

3. Higher-brain death: the irreversible cessation of all cognitive functions such as personality, consciousness, uniqueness, memory, judgment, reason, enjoyment, worry, etc.

How does Philippine law define “death”? Republic Act 7170 or the “Organ Donation Act of 1991” in Section 2, paragraph (j), defines death this way:

j) “Death” - the irreversible cessation of circulatory and respiratory functions or the irreversible cessation of all functions of the entire brain, including the brain stem. A person shall be medically and legally dead if either:

(1) In the opinion of the attending physician, based on the acceptable standards of medical practice, there is an absence of national respiratory and cardiac functions and, attempts at resuscitation would not be successful in restoring those functions. In this case, death shall be deemed to have occurred at the time those functions ceased; or

(2) In the opinion of the consulting physician, concurred in by the attending physician, that on the basis of acceptable standards of medical practice, there is an irreversible cessation of all brain functions, and considering the absence of such functions, further attempts at resuscitation or continued supportive maintenance would not be successful in restoring such natural functions. In this case, death shall be deemed to have occurred at the time when these conditions first appeared.

The death of the person shall be determined in accordance with the acceptable medical practice and shall be diagnosed separately by the attending physician and another consulting physician, both of whom must be appropriately qualified and suitable experienced in the care of such patients. The death shall be recorded in the patient’s medical record

.As far as my research goes, the Philippine legal definition of death was patterned after two American laws - the Uniform Anatomical Gift Act (1970) and the Uniform Determination of Death Act (1980). Please take note that the Philippine criteria is in the alternative; it is either heart-lung death OR whole brain death.

The issue of determining how and when death has occurred is a raging controversy because of the inter-related issues of euthanasia, the quality of life of a terminally-ill patient, organ transplantation and even racism. (Why racism? Black Americans are afraid that white American doctors might be trigger-happy, so to speak, in pronouncing them dead for the purpose of harvesting their organs for the lucrative business of transplantation of organs.)

Dr. David Anderson of Faith Baptist Church, Sarasota, Florida, has a very informative article entitled “A Brief Summary of End-of-Life Bioethics.” He provides clear and helpful definitions of the various terms like “patient self-determination,” “living will,” “advance directive,” “persistent vegetative state,” “do not resuscitate order,” etc. He also presents a point by point rebuttal of “physician-assisted suicide.”

Anderson also agrees with the “brain-death” criteria for determining whether a person is dead or alive. He says, “Using a clinical determination of brain death is a far more acceptable standard than using levels of consciousness, social interaction, or degrees of personhood. The brain death criteria is as an objective determination of death as is possible at this phase in medical science .... Brain death appears to be the most reliable standard for determining death."

Paul A. Byrne, M.D. in his article “Understanding Brain Death” for the Vital Signs Ministries, however, disputes the validity, accuracy and the morality of the brain-death criteria for determining death. He says passionately right at the beginning of his article,

“All general criteria used as standard up to 1968 developed from the intention to make sure that a person who is still alive will not be treated as if dead. On the contrary, the new criteria are intended to prevent someone from being treated as alive when already dead. The new criteria are intended not only to decide as soon as possible when someone is dead, but among other options to clear the way for the excision of vital organs - action which, if a mistake has been made, is certain to kill the still-living patient. Since any criterion nowadays must subserve organ transplantation as well as other purposes, any new general criterion of death must be at least as certain as the older ones, since a mistake here would be lethal. Yet, the new criteria are far less certain than the older ones; they are not merely uncertain but certainly wrong in principle.”

Farther on in his article, Byrne states his preference for the heart-lung death criteria: “Before 1968, a patient was pronounced dead by a physician who observed no circulation, no breathing and no reflexes. While these observations and criteria for pronouncement of death were not infallible, they were very reliable.”

Byrne says that “cessation-of-brain-function laws, if followed by living will and death with dignity laws, will all be a part of, or lead to euthanasia.” In one of his conclusions, he states emphatically, “Death ought not to be declared unless the circulatory and respiratory systems and the entire brain have been destroyed, i.e. no longer having the capacity to function.”

Death, serious sickness or traumatic injuries can possibly come into the lives of our families or friends one of these days. I recommend that you read these articles by Anderson and Byrne so that you will be prepared in confronting the questions of organ donation, when to say “stop” in doctors’ attempts to resuscitate your loved one, euthanasia, the quality of life of a terminally-ill patient, etc.
Sometime in 1976, my father, walking home alone after the Sunday morning service at the Mandaluyong Bible Baptist Church in Nueve de Febrero St. became dizzy and fell into a ditch. He had been lying in the ditch for some time before someone saw him and brought him to the nearby Waterous Hospital.

My mother, sisters and I rushed across the street to the hospital to see him. My father was conscious, with a deep, ugly wound on his forehead. I remember holding on to my father’s hand and praying, “Lord God, please don’t let my father die. I’m already in college but I really don’t know him, who he is, who and what he was like before I was born …”

God did spare my father’s life at that time. My father stayed at home for several months recuperating, and every chance I had, I stayed in the house, talking with him, or just letting him tell stories about his guerilla days in World War II, fighting the Japanese in the Ipo Dam campaigns. Sometimes, I would just stay near him, as he lay in bed, listening to his favorite radio personality Mel Tiangco. In 1986, my parents went to the US to live with my eldest sister. I kept in touch with my father intermittently through greeting cards and short phone calls. Sometime April 1991, he died of a heart-related problem.

From time to time after my father’s death, my mother would come home from the US for short visits. I looked forward to getting home in the afternoons, because I knew that my mother would be preparing something delicious - siopao, empanada, broccoli boiled in water with a little salt and then dipped in mayonnaise, etc. During the impeachment hearings against President Estrada, my mother and I would watch the proceedings on television for hours. My mother wanted to spend the rest of her days in a farm in Dumaguete but that wish didn’t come true. She died in the US August 2004 because of an inoperable, flattened heart vessel.

I think it was martyred missionary Jim Elliot who said, “When it’s your time to die, make sure that all you have to do is die.” What he says, I think, is not to leave any loose ends in your life - no words of love, affirmation or encouragement left unsaid; no hurts and heartaches inflicted by other people left unforgiven; none of your own sins and offenses against other people left unconfessed …

The Apostle Paul says in I Corinthians 15:51-58:

Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,
In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.
For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality.
So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.
O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?
The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.
But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

Why Marriages Fail: He said, She said ...

I’d like to recommend to you an article by Kerby Anderson from the Probe Ministries website entitled “Why Marriages Fail.” In this article, Anderson cites four negative patterns that can destroy your relationship or marriage. These patterns are escalation, invalidation, negative interpretations, and withdrawal and avoidance.

Anderson’s article is based on the book “A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage.” Written by Scott Stanley, the book is in turn based on the University of Denver’s PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program). Anderson clarifies that most Christian books on relationships and marriage are long on insights and short on empirical research. Stanley’s book combines both Biblical insights and empirical findings from the PREP.

Anderson, citing Stanley and PREP, describes these negative patterns as follows:

1. “Escalation occurs when partners respond back and forth negatively to each other, continually upping the ante so the conversation gets more and more hostile…. Each negative comment increases the level of anger and frustration, and soon a small disagreement blows up into a major fight.”

2. “Invalidation is a pattern in which one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings, or character of the other.

“Invalidation can take many forms. Sometimes it can be caustic, in which one partner (or both) attacks the other person verbally.

“Invalidation can also be much more subtle. It may involve an argument where contempt for the other partner is not so obvious. One partner may merely be putting the other partner down for his or her feelings.”

3. "Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case.

“When a relationship becomes more distressed, the negative interpretations mount and help create an environment of hopelessness. The attacked partner gives up trying to make himself or herself clear and becomes demoralized.

“Another kind of negative interpretation is mind reading. Mind reading occurs when you assume you know what your partner is thinking or why he or she did something." Nearly everyone is guilty of mind reading at some time or other. And when you mind read positively, it does not tend to do much harm. But when you mind read on the negative side, it can spell trouble for a marriage.”

4. "Withdrawal can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as 'turning off' or 'shutting down' during an argument. The withdrawer often tends to get quiet during an argument, look away, or agree quickly to a partner's suggestion just to end the conversation, with no real intention of following through.

“Avoidance reflects the same reluctance to get into certain discussions, with more emphasis on the attempt to not let the conversation happen in the first place. A person prone to avoidance would prefer that the topic not come up and, if it does, may manifest the signs of withdrawal just described.

“In a typical marriage, one partner is the pursuer and the other is the withdrawer. Studies show that it is usually the man who wants to avoid these discussions and is more likely in the withdrawing role.”

In my previous post, I mentioned an incident between me and a friend. The incident went like this:

I have a good friend (my former high school yearbook editor way back in 1992), and several years ago, we got into a big fight over this issue of a man opening a door for a woman. I had taken pictures for her office of several farms in Tagaytay. On our way home, at C-5 and Buting in Pasig, I helped a woman reporter with her young son get down from the vehicle we were on. After I helped this woman reporter, I got back into the vehicle, completely forgetting about my friend who was sitting at the front. It was too late when I realized I didn’t help her out and that my friend had gotten off the vehicle by herself.

That Sunday, I texted her and apologized for not helping her get out of the vehicle like the way I did for that woman reporter and her son. My friend sent back a flaming text reply, saying that she could take care of herself and that even with her boyfriend, she was very independent.

Well, I texted her back immediately. Ha! I’m a guy and I wouldn’t take that kind of flaming text message sitting down! Just kidding! Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” I texted her saying, as far as I can remember, with these words, “I didn’t think of you as being helpless but rather as a woman who should always be honored and respected.”

Notice how these patterns came into play with this incident between my friend and me. When I texted her and apologized for not helping her get off the vehicle, she texted back with a negative interpretation of what I meant. If I sent back to her my own flaming text message, we would have moved to an escalation of the misunderstanding between us.

Instead I replied with a message that validated her. That message calmed down things between us (after a month, she texted me saying that she had used my name as reference for her application for a new job). Although she didn’t say “sorry” or apologized outright for her negative interpretation and flaming text message, I positively interpreted her action as her way of saying sorry.

I remember reading a book (“Soul Mates,” I think) by marriage counselors Les and Leslie Parrot which mentioned a couple who fought over a bar of soap! Things escalated to a point where the husband eventually sawed off his half of the house and moved it as far as he could. Neither spouse has spoken to each other, according to the Parrots, for nearly thirty years. (If I remember correctly, the Parrots were referring to a story from the novel “Love In The Time of Cholera” by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.”)

The Book of Proverbs perhaps says it best about life and death being in the power of our words in chapter 15:

1. A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

2. The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.

3. The eyes of the Lord are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.

4. A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.

Or as Ephesians 4 puts it about anger:

24. And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.

25. Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.

26. Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.

Galatians 5 says it best how to avoid negative patterns:

22. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

23. Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

Hey, lest I sound so righteous, mature and blameless by the discussion above, I’ve got to confess that I have done my own share of negative interpretations and escalation. I remember that I initiated the breakup with my two girlfriends (one in the 70’s and the other one in the 80’s) because I thought that I could read their minds. But hey, these are stories that I will share with you only after you have read Anderson’s article mentioned above, okay? Just surf to the Probe Ministries website and go to the section on Faith and Sexuality.

Communication: Key to your Marriage

Way back in 1967, Hollywood actor Steve McQueen starred in a movie entitled “Cool Hand Luke.” The most famous line from that movie is: "What we have here is a failure to communicate."

(By the way, a trivia question for you. Which current NBA player in the Western Conference is called by the nickname “Cool Hand Luke?”)

One time, while browsing at the old National Bookstore in Edsa Central, my attention got caught by the striking title of a book,  “Communication: Key To Your Marriage” (Published by Regal Books, A Division of Gospel Light). The price of the book at that time was nearly four hundred pesos. Having saved enough money after two weeks, I returned to the store to buy the one and only remaining copy of this book by H. Norman Wright.

This book has a companion manual “How To Speak Your Spouse’s Language, or Are Men Really From Pluto and Women from Saturn?” The manual (28 US dollars retail) isn’t available locally, and I had to request my mother in LA to buy the manual for me. It offers lessons (with patterns for transparencies, guidelines for activities, etc.) that can be covered either in a whole-day session or in ten Sunday School sessions.

I have read through Wright’s book, and perhaps the most memorable portion is found in page 191 where he writes about relationships between T(hinkers) and F(eelers).

One of the most typical relationships that develops is between a male T and a female F. This connection has the most potential for creating divisiveness and long-term problems. T’s need to think about and analyze their emotions. They bring to a marriage emotional control and reserve that can limit intimacy. They want to understand intimacy, not experience it, while an F wants to share openly and experience intimacy.

If a couple doesn’t learn to connect emotionally, they’re at risk for either an affair or a marriage breakup. The bonding material of a marriage is emotional intimacy. F’s hunger for warmth, sharing and closeness, and without this dimension, they can end up feeling lonely. They like the inner strength and security of a T but not the perceived emptiness.

One other book that H. Norman Wright wrote is entitled, if I’m not mistaken, “Loving your children unconditionally despite unfulfilled expectations.” Wright’s youngest child was mentally retarded and died in his early twenties. Before this child was born, Wright had spent part of his counseling training at a facility for mentally retarded patients. When he found out that his son was mentally retarded, Wright realized why God had given him the experience of working with persons with that kind of disability. Despite the hardships and difficult challenges of raising their son, Wright and his wife said that this child brought some of the greatest joys into their lives.

The Wright’s eldest child, a daughter, brought into their lives a different kind of pain. In her early twenties, the daughter rebelled against her Christian upbringing. She began using drugs and living-in with a series of boyfriends. She refused to listen to her parents’ pleas to change her ways.

By God’s grace and through the intercession of family friends, Wright’s daughter finally repented and turned from her rebellious ways. She now has her own ministry dealing with runaways.

It’s ironic that H. Norman Wright is considered as one of America’s most-loved marriage and family counselors, and yet he experienced such great difficulties and tremendous pain with his own children. But then again, I have talked with pastors and missionaries, and they have told me that oftentimes, their greatest heartaches have come from the wayward ways of their children (drug use, unwed pregnancies, spiritual indifference, etc.).

I have used the term “mentally retarded” several times above, and I understand that it’s no longer considered politically correct to use such a term. Instead, the term used is “special children” or “children with special needs.” I think, however, that sometimes such a term tends to gloss over the very real and the very frustrating difficulties of raising these children.

Way back in 1982, I was teaching in Dona Aurora High School in San Mateo, Rizal. I remember while going through the graduation practices, during the lulls, I read the book “P.S. Your Not Listening.” Yup, that’s exactly the book’s title. That book (about a teacher and her five mentally retarded students - there I go again!) reinforced my desire to be the best teacher I could be. At one point in time, I wanted to enroll in Special Education classes in UP Diliman.

(In 1978, while an A.B. English student at Philippine Christian University, what awakened my desire to be a teacher was, believe it or not, the situation comedy “Welcome Back, Kotter” shown on Channel 9. The sitcom featured stand-up comedian Gabe Kaplan as a Social Science teacher and John Travolta as tough guy Vinnie Barbarino. I remember cutting classes just so I could go home and watch the show. Hey, what can I say? I had such an eclectic educational background.)

Anyway, if you’re married or in a serious relationship that could eventually lead to marriage, please take the time to read H. Norman Wright’s books. You will come across in this book such terms as Thinkers, Feelers, Perceivers, Intuitives, Sensors, Extroversion, Introversion, etc and you need some serious time to fully understand and appreciate their concepts.

Remember, however, what Dr. Larry Crabb wrote in his book “Finding God.” He said that even if you and your spouse have read books and attended seminars on communication (and applying them), there will be times of great, seemingly insurmountable tension in your marriage. Why? Simply because we are fallen men and women, cursed by sin.


Genesis 3:16 states, “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”

The expression “thy desire shall be to thy husband” has been subject of a lot of interpretations. Some people say that this refers to a wife’s sexual desire for her husband. But reputable, conservative Bible teachers like Woodrow Kroll and John McArthur say that Genesis 3:16 is similar in words and grammar to Genesis 4:7 and thus should be interpreted similarly. Genesis 3 narrates Adam’s fall into sin, while Genesis 4 recounts Cain’s murder of his brother Abel.

Genesis 4: 7 states, “If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.”

The proper interpretation of the expression “thy desire shall be to thy husband” is that men and women will be locked in a life-long battle to lord it over one another, insisting on their own, selfish ways, without regard for the feelings and welfare of the other. The woman’s desire will be to dominate the man and the relationship; however, by divine design stated in Ephesians 5:22-25, the man will rule over the woman. (In a previous post, I have discussed “The Myth of Mutual Submission.”)

Ptr. Chuck Swindoll, in one of his messages, said that he once helped open the elevator door for a woman. The woman, apparently a staunch believer in feminism, said in a loud, angry voice, “Did you open the door for me because I’m a woman?” Ptr. Chuck replied, “No, I opened the door for you because I’m a gentleman.”

I have a good friend (my former high school yearbook editor way back in the early 1990s), and several years ago, we got into a big fight over this issue of a man opening a door for a woman. I had taken pictures for her office of several farms in Tagaytay. On our way home, at C-5 and Buting in Pasig, I helped a woman reporter with her young son get down from the vehicle we were on. After I helped this woman reporter, I got back into the vehicle, completely forgetting about my friend who was sitting at the front. It was too late when I realized I didn’t help her out and that my friend had gotten off the vehicle by herself.

That Sunday, I texted her and apologized for not helping her get out of the vehicle like the way I did for that woman reporter and her son. My friend sent back a flaming text reply, saying that she could take care of herself and that even with her boyfriend, she was very independent.

Well, I texted her back immediately. Ha! I’m a guy and I wouldn’t take that kind of flaming text message sitting down! Just kidding! Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” I texted her saying, as far as I can remember, with these words, “I didn’t think of you as being helpless but rather as a woman who should always be honored and respected.”


That week, I sent her an 11-page letter, and I began that letter with the words, “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” My friend and I don’t get to communicate that much anymore, but we have agreed about five or six years ago that I will help shoot her wedding pictures. She and her boyfriend are planning a garden wedding, but I hate garden weddings! I always think that it’s going to rain, it will ruin the wedding, and it will break up the marriage later on …

“Sad Movies Always Make Me Cry”

Two Sundays ago, while onboard an FX taxi on my way to church, I heard over the radio the song “Sad Movies Always Make Me Cry.” I’m sure most of you have heard this song. While listening to it, I couldn’t help but relate the song to the things I have been learning about marital infidelity, especially through the January 28, 2006 seminar at the Capitol City Baptist Church.

The woman who tells her story in the song (the “persona” as Literature teachers would put it) says that “Daddy had to work and so I went to the show alone.” The woman then says that, as the lights go down and the show is about to begin, her husband or boyfriend (who is supposed to be at work!) and her best friend (!) walk into the theater.

The woman then continues to say that, when her husband or boyfriend kisses her best friend’s lips, she almost dies. “And in the middle of the colored cartoon,” she starts to cry. When she goes home crying and her mother asks her why, she just says, “Sad movies always make me cry.”

The question that comes into the minds of a lot of rational people is why the woman in the song didn’t confront her cheating husband or boyfriend and her lying best friend right there and then.I am not a great believer in psychology but psychologists would probably say that the woman in the song didn’t react — or reacted the way she did — because of PTSD or “post-traumatic stress disorder.” PTSD has been used to explain the delayed and contradictory reactions (stress in various forms) of Vietnam War veterans and victims of heinous crimes.

Dr. Willard Harley Jr. in his website http://www.mariagebuilders.com/ describes the impact of marital infidelity as follows:

A spouse’s unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. Those I’ve counseled who have had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse’s unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once.”

David Clarke, Ph.D. is the author of the book “What to do when your spouse says, ‘I don’t love you anymore’” (Thomas Nelson Publishers; copyright 2002 by David Clarke Ph.D.). On page 34 of his book, he describes what a person goes through upon first finding out that his or her spouse is having an affair:

When your spouse tells you that the love is gone, you are traumatized in every sense of the word. There is no more brutal form of rejection. Your life is in pieces, and you have no clue what to do. What to say. How to attract your partner back and save your marriage. You are shocked. Stunned. Horrified. In absolute disbelief. Your mind can’t seem to grasp what’s happening. You’re in denial. You’re in grief. You’re in a fog. You’re in a panic. You’re overwhelmed.

If you want a no-nonsense, no punches pulled, beyond tough love, tough as nails, bring down the sledgehammer approach to handling marital infidelity, then I highly recommend Clarke’s book to you. Be prepared to be shocked by Clarke’s recommendations for dealing with a wayward spouse.

Anyway, the song “Sad Movies Always Make Me Cry” states in poetic form what Dr. Chalmers taught during the January 28 seminar:

1. “Most affairs are between friends and co-workers.”

2. “It’s a dangerous illusion to think that your spouse is, or yourself are, incapable of being unfaithful to your marriage covenant.”

3. “A secret, second life is created to protect the adulterous relationship and a wayward spouse who never had a history of lying turns into a master of deception.”

Kerby Anderson in a Probe Ministries article (http://www.probe.org/) cites the work of family therapist Frank Pittman, author of “Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy.” Pittman has counseled over 10,000 couples over the last forty years and some 7,000 of them have experienced infidelity. Pittman, with some additions from Anderson, enumerates some of the proactive ways by which to prevent an affair:

1. “Accept the possibility of being sexually attracted to another and of having sexual fantasies.”

2. “We should hang out with monogamous people.”

3. “Work on your marriage.”

4. “Be realistic about your marriage.”

5. “Keep the marriage equal. Share parenting duties.”

6. “If you aren’t already married, be careful in your choice of a marriage partner.”

7. “Call home every day you travel.”

What Pittman and Kerby are saying in number one above is that adultery starts in the mind. William Cutrer, M.D. and Sandra Glahn in page 135 of their book “Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” (Kregel Publications; reprinted in the Philippines by Evangelical Classics Library), recount the story of how Jeanette fell into an adulterous affair:

As a believing wife and mother who had an affair several years ago, I want to warn others that if they first yield to mental adultery, it could easily take them the whole way down the wrong road. If there is time to be alone with the other man, the two of you will most likely confess your struggles to each other. After allowing wrong thoughts, this is the most dangerous step to take. If he is a fellow believer, you will say you must conquer this thing together in prayer. You will feel such a tenderness toward each other that you will need to express your affection with warm embraces and “holy kisses.” It is a short road from there to the point where you allow yourself the pleasure of more and more sensual temptations. Finally, you quit trying to resist.” (emphasis supplied)

A Woman's Top Five Needs

Harley, in his book “His Needs, Her Needs,” says that the way to prevent an affair is to always keep meeting your spouse’s most important needs. He says that for the majority of women, their top five needs are the following:

1. Affection

2. Conversation

3. Honesty and openness

4. Financial support

5. Family commitment

Well, guys, there you have it! The keys to a woman’s heart! It seems from Harley’s list that women are easy to understand and please, right? But why then do most guys say that they just don’t understand women?

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said, “Every woman is a science.” (Back in the 1970’s, in UP Diliman, I lost my engineering scholarship because I failed Physics 41, Engineering Science I, and barely passed Chem 17. Hmmm … maybe that’s why I don’t understand women.)

I can’t remember the exact source, but inspirational writer Max Lucado once said, “A man can spend a lifetime with a woman and yet never gaze into her soul.”

Pastor J. Mack Stiles in his book “17 Things My Kids Taught Me About God” (Kingsway Publications; copyright 1998 by J. Mack Stiles) is one guy who didn’t understand women. He says of his marriage to Leann in page 84:

Quickly we discovered this marriage stuff was a lot harder than married people let on. Understanding each other’s words proved tough enough. Take the vacuum cleaner I got Leann for Valentine’s Day. She’s always said that she just wanted me to remember her. We needed a vacuum cleaner, and it was in nice wrapping paper. Good grief! What’s all the fuss?

Back in the 1980’s I had a girlfriend from Marikina. When I found out that she loved the Chinese delicacy dikiam (the very salty kind), I made it a point to always buy for her a bag full of dikiam. On our way to her special choir practice in Barangka Drive in Mandaluyong, as she ate the dikiam, she would throw the seeds one by one out of the jeepney we were riding on. Anyone who wanted to know where we were going just had to follow the trail of dikiam seeds littering the whole of Ortigas Avenue! Hey, I was meeting her number one need for affection, in the form of a bag full of dikiam!

Ptr. Clem Guillermo, during the January 28 seminar, told the audience about a couple he was counseling. The husband said to the wife, “Why do you say that I don’t love you? I have built for you a mansion. I have taken you on a round the world trip twice.” Ptr. Clem then said that the wife replied, “If you really loved me, why don’t give me a hug or kiss me before you leave home in the morning, or when you come home? Why don’t you tell me that you love me?”

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife’s entire philosophy for their marriage seminars is founded on Ephesians 5:31 - that a woman’s greatest need is love or affection. (Their website is http://www.loveandrespect.com/ , and I highly recommend that you view the video clip “But I don’t know that woman”.)

Dr. James Dobson in his book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” (Living Books; copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc.) says on page 65,

Women yearn to be the special sweethearts of their men, being respected and appreciated and loved with tenderness. This is why a homemaker often thinks about her husband during the day and eagerly awaits his arrival home. It explains why their wedding anniversary is more important to her, and why he gets clobbered when he forgets. It explains why she is constantly “reaching” for him when he is at home, trying to pull him out of the newspaper or television set; it explains why ‘Absence of Romantic Love in My Marriage’ ranked so high as a source of depression among women, whereas men would have rated it somewhere in the vicinity of last place.” (emphasis supplied)

John Eldredge, in page 182 of his book “Wild At Heart, Discovering The Secret of a Man’s Soul” (Thomas Nelson Publishers; copyright 2001 by John Eldredge), says in a memorable, very poetic way what every woman wants:

… the deep cry of a little girl’s heart is am I lovely? Every woman needs to know that she is exquisite and exotic and chosen. This is core to her identity, the way she bears the image of God. Will you pursue me? Do you delight in me? Will you fight for me?</<>

(Eldredge’s book talks about what being a man truly consists of. He says that a true man needs an adventure to live for and a beauty to rescue. Although I recommend Eldredge’s book to you, please always read anything I recommend with discernment. Eldredge, for example, in one part of his book, espouses what theologians refer to as “open theism.”)

Well, well, well, listening to a sappy song like “Sad Movies Always Make Me Cry” while on that FX taxi traversing an almost empty Ayala Avenue on a Sunday morning on way to church can really get me going on and on. Speaking of movies, my favorites are the 1928 classic “It Happened One Night” starring Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert, and the James Stewart 1930’s black and white classics “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington” and “It’s A Wonderful Life” (a Christmas day tradition in the USA). Hey, what can I say? When it comes to movies, I’m a dinosaur!

So, I don’t want to hear “Sad Movies Always Make Me Cry” one more time. Next Sunday, I’ve got to make sure that I avoid riding that FX taxi again ...

The Myth of Mutual Submission, part 2

In a previous post, I cited to you Stu Webber’s book “The Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart.” Webber in pages 75 and 76 dismisses “mutual submission” (also known as “egalitarianism”) as being un-Biblical.

Essentially, people who hold this view believe that husbands and wives should submit to one another, and not just wives submitting themselves to their husbands. They say that “there is no unique authority or leadership role for the husband in a marriage,” and that “men and women are equal and carry responsibilities in both the home and church which are mutual or interchangeable between the sexes.”

Main argument against mutual submission

The traditional (read that “conservative”) view is known as “complementarianism” which holds that “while men and women are equal before God, they serve him in complementary roles which are not always identical and in some cases ought not to be.”

As Webber stated in his book, the main argument against “mutual submission” is that you cannot find a verse in the New Testament explicitly telling husbands to submit to their wives. On the other hand, wives are explicitly told in several instances to submit to their husbands.

Ephesians 5

22. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

Colossians 3

18. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.

Titus 2

5. To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

1 Peter 3

1. Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2. While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4. But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6. Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

The quotes I used above are from two articles which I highly recommend to you. These articles are:

1. The Myth of Mutual Submission by Wayne Grudem, Ph.D

2. Christ-Centered Marriages: Husbands and Wives Complementing One Another by Chad Brand

Essentially, Grudem says that “the whole idea of mutual submission as an interpretation of ‘be subject to one another’ in Ephesians 5:21 is terribly mistaken idea.” He also states that “it can be advocated only by failing to appreciate the precise meanings of the Greek words for ‘be subject to’ and ‘one another.’” Grudem concludes that “the idea of mutual submission in marriage (is) a myth without foundation in Scripture at all.”

Brand, on the other hand, says that people who preach mutual submission “hijack” the Bible in order to make it fit their egalitarian viewpoint. He says, “Texts are either accepted, rejected, ignored, or revised according to the way they fit in with that motif. But this is a mistake of the greatest gravity. The revisionist position does not of itself arise from Scripture. Rather, it is plain that while the Bible teaches full equality, it does not affirm egalitarianism or interchangeability in all things, but rather calls for distinguishable roles between men and women.”

For more relevant articles, please surf to The Council on Biblical Manhood & Womanhood website.This ministry offers free resources like articles, journal articles, sermons, book reviews, conference audio, online books, questions and answers, evangelical feminism and Biblical truth; with multi-lingual resources in Arabic, Chinese, Dutch, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Russian and Spanish.