“Saving Private Ryan” and God’s seeking heart

Two weeks ago, I bought from the National Bookstore a bargain priced, original video of “Saving Private Ryan.” As a lot of you may know, “Saving Private Ryan” is the 1998 Academy Award winning film directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Tom Hanks. Nominated for a total of 11 Oscars, the film, set in World War II, won in five categories (Best Director; Best Film Editing; Best Cinematography; Best Sound; and Best Sound Effects Editing).

When I first saw “Saving Private Ryan,” I was amazed at the parallels with the Bible’s message of a sovereign God undertaking a daring mission in enemy territory to rescue lost men and women. But I’m getting ahead of the point of this article ...

You can read more in the December 20, 2006 post of my Campus Connection blog. See you there!

June brides, wedding vows, and coming attractions

January 2007 is coming in about three weeks’ time, and after the seemingly endless “Jingle bells” sung by carolers in your neighborhood during the Christmas season, guess what you will be hearing more of when January comes around? Wedding bells!

It is a myth, an urban legend that more people get married in June than any other month of the year. The truth is, as figures from the National Statistics Office would bear me out, more Filipinos get married in January than in June or in any other month.

If you are getting married this January or any time next year, I highly recommend that you make use, with some modifications, of the wedding vows I wrote about in my “Covenant Marriage” article. The article was a bit long, with a lot of legal talk and prefatory statements (yup, “prefatory” is an acceptable word in the language of lawyers and the courts). And so you might have missed reading the covenant marriage vow I mentioned in that article. Anyway, if you want to see the PDF of that marriage covenant vow, just click this link.

Before 2006 ends, I will be posting (hopefully) several articles here in “Salt and Light” or in my other blogs. These coming attractions are the following:

[1] A review of Dannah Gresh’s books “Pursuing the Pearl: The Quest for a Pure and Passionate Marriage” and “And the Bride Wore White – Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity”

Dannah, together with her husband, is the moving force behind www.purefreedom.org which advocates sexual purity for teenagers. Speaking of “And the Bride Wore White”, I bought two weeks ago the very last copy of this book at the OMF Lit bookstore in Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong. But don’t despair; last Friday, I saw three or four copies at the Back to the Bible Bookstore in West Avenue, Quezon City.

Just to give you a glimpse of how great Dannah’s book “Pursuing the Pearl” is, she discusses in pages 61 and 62 some warning signals when a wife is beginning to form emotional bonds with a man other than her spouse. Dannah says,

Sexual impurity is a zero tolerance arena! You are on shaky ground if there are emotional bonds being created between you and another man (or your husband and another woman). Those bonds begin with little things like:

• Innocently having lunch alone with a man

• Seeking advice from a man about personal issues, especially marital issues

• Seeking or accepting frequent praise or affirmation from the same man

• Seeing or becoming comfortable with being alone in an office or a home together

Emotional bonds are growing, and you are in danger of the emotional affair becoming physical when

• You intentionally seek out time to be with this man

• You manipulate your schedule to see him

• You spend time fantasizing about him

Do you see some of these characteristics in your friendships with guys? Run for cover and fast!

You might want to review my article “Sad Movies Always Make Me Cry” which discusses the dynamics of adulterous relationships. You might also be interested in reading the article “When a Spouse is Unfaithful” from the Radio Bible Class Ministries.

[2] Preventing the sexual abuse of children

I’ve been doing the research and collecting information on this topic primarily from the website and printed materials of the Center for Prevention and Treatment of Child Sexual Abuse (CPTCSA). The books I bought and the flyers I got from the CPTCSA office in UP Village, Quezon City two weeks ago, state some of the early warning signals and telltale signs of sexual offenders which children - and their parents - should be aware of:

• Offender says you are special, different or the only one who really understands him

• Treats you differently from other kids; gives you special privileges; treats you like an adult while he acts like a kid

• Says he is teaching you sex education by showing you pornographic pictures or movies; he shows his body or touches yours

• Puts lotion or ointment on you when your mother or others are not around (even when you don’t need the ointment)

• Offenders hang around school, yard or park where children play; tells you “not to tell” or asks to “keep a secret”

• Does not let you have friends or does not let you do things that other kids your age do

• Comes into your bedroom for no reason

• Asks you to do things that involve physical contact or touching of private parts

• Offender wants to spend time alone with you; makes excuses for you to go places with him

• Asks questions or makes accusations about sex between you and your boyfriends
• “Accidentally” comes into the bathroom when you are taking a bath; not respecting your privacy

• May fool you parents into allowing you to be “friends” through bribes and other tricks

The CPTCSA books and flyers also list “Wants to take your pictures” as an early warning signal and telltale sign of sexual offenders, but since photography is the number one hobby in the world, this sign should be taken not in isolation but in relation with the other warning signs.

For pastors, counselors or church workers who want to know more about how to deal with the damaging effects of sexual abuse, I highly recommend to you the Radio Bible Class Ministries article “When trust is lost” written by Dr. Dan Allender, founder and director of Wounded Heart Ministries in Denver, Colorado.

[3] “Saving Private Ryan” as a modern day parable of God’s seeking heart

Several days ago, I bought at the National Bookstore a bargain priced, original DVD of this 1998 Oscar-winning movie by Steven Spielberg. When I first saw “Saving Private Ryan” I was amazed to see parallels - whether intended or not by the movie’s writers - with the Bible’s message of a sovereign, omnipotent God who undertakes a rescue mission to grant repentant sinners grace and mercy.

Well, well, well, it promises to be a busy last three weeks of 2006, and I hope you’ll enjoy reading these articles, as much as I enjoy writing them for you. Keep in touch!

The "Battered Woman Syndrome"

Spousal abuse: In the name of submission?
 
I promised you in my previous post entitled “Coming Attractions” that I will write a lengthy article on the “Battered Woman Syndrome.” Well, the article is now posted in the November 29, 2006 entry of my Legal Updates blog. What can I say? I’m the kind of guy who keeps his promises (ehem!). I’m also faithful, responsible, and I fall neatly within the description of Psalms 16:6 which says, “The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places; yea, I have a goodly heritage.” In modern language, that means “I’m cute!” So I really wonder why I am not married even now ... But as I told you before in my “Covenant marriage” article, I have been turned down by the same woman three times, and I am beginning to get a little bit discouraged.

Levity aside however, our subject deals with one of the tragic realities of life – spousal abuse. My previous article “Hope and help for the battered woman: Statistics on domestic violence” paints a very grim picture of spousal abuse as a worldwide phenomenon. The article on the “Battered Woman Syndrome” (BWS) is taken from the Supreme Court decision in the case of Marivic Genosa, a Leyteña convicted of murdering her husband for which the trial court imposed on her the death penalty. On automatic appeal of Genosa’s case to the High Court, nationally-known lawyer Katrina Legarda introduced BWS as Genosa’s defense. The Court decided the case several months before the passage of Republic Act 9262 or the “Anti-Violence Against Women and Their Children Act of 2004” into law in March 2004.

As you can read from my Legal Updates article, the Court took BWS into consideration but said that [1] the presence of the syndrome was not proven in Genosa’s case; and [2] the Court’s hands were tied by the prevailing provisions of the Revised Penal Code which did not consider BWS as a justifying circumstance that would enable Genosa to claim valid self-defense. Nevertheless, the Supreme Court considered two mitigating circumstances in Genosa’s favor, reduced her penalty, and for time already served, ordered Genosa’s release from the Correctional Institution for Women in Mandaluyong.

(The Supreme Court’s decision is quite a read, even for law students, but if you’re a counselor, pastor, or someone who personally knows a battered woman, you should take the time and effort in understanding it.)

"Battered Woman Syndrome" defined and as a defense in criminal cases

Please take note that Republic Act 9262 or the “Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act of 2004” became law after the Genosa decision. RA 9262 defines BWS as “a scientifically defined pattern of psychological and behavioral symptoms found in women living in battering relationships as a result of cumulative abuse.” Section 26 of RA 9262 discusses the “Battered Woman Syndrome” as a defense, to wit,

Victim-survivors who are found by the courts to be suffering from battered woman syndrome do not incur any criminal and civil liability notwithstanding the absence of any of the elements for justifying circumstances of self-defense under the Revised Penal Code.

In the determination of the state of mind of the woman who was suffering from battered woman syndrome at the time of the commission of the crime, the courts shall be assisted by expert psychiatrists/ psychologists.

In layman’s terms, now, under RA 9262, if an abused woman kills or inflict physical injuries on her abusive husband or live-in partner, once the trial court determines that she is suffering from the “Battered Woman Syndrome,” the court will declare her not guilty. (As I mentioned above, the Court stated that BWS was not proven in Genosa’s case and that the provisions of the Revised Penal Code on the elements of justifying circumstances on self-defense thus had to be followed.)

Characteristics of a battered woman

During the re-hearing at the Leyte trial court, expert witnesses Dra. Natividad Dayan and Dr. Pajarillo testified on what the Battered Woman Syndrome was. The Supreme Court decision states in detail what BWS is. For the sake of clarity, I have numbered the paragraphs of this portion of the Court’s decision.

[1] In claiming self-defense, Genosa raises the novel theory of the battered woman syndrome. While new in Philippine jurisprudence, the concept has been recognized in foreign jurisdictions as a form of self-defense or, at the least, incomplete self-defense. By appreciating evidence that a victim or defendant is afflicted with the syndrome, foreign courts convey their “understanding of the justifiably fearful state of mind of a person who has been cyclically abused and controlled over a period of time.”

[2] A battered woman has been defined as a woman “who is repeatedly subjected to any forceful physical or psychological behavior by a man in order to coerce her to do something he wants her to do without concern for her rights. Battered women include wives or women in any form of intimate relationship with men. Furthermore, in order to be classified as a battered woman, the couple must go through the battering cycle at least twice. Any woman may find herself in an abusive relationship with a man once. If it occurs a second time, and she remains in the situation, she is defined as a battered woman.”

[3] Battered women exhibit common personality traits, such as low self-esteem, traditional beliefs about the home, the family and the female sex role; emotional dependence upon the dominant male; the tendency to accept responsibility for the batterer’s actions; and false hopes that the relationship will improve.

[4] More graphically, the battered woman syndrome is characterized by the so-called “cycle of violence,” which has three phases: (1) the tension-building phase; (2) the acute battering incident; and (3) the tranquil, loving (or, at least, nonviolent) phase.

[5] During the tension-building phase, minor battering occurs - it could be verbal or slight physical abuse or another form of hostile behavior. The woman usually tries to pacify the batterer through a show of kind, nurturing behavior; or by simply staying out of his way. What actually happens is that she allows herself to be abused in ways that, to her, are comparatively minor. All she wants is to prevent the escalation of the violence exhibited by the batterer. This wish, however, proves to be double-edged, because her “placatory” and passive behavior legitimizes his belief that he has the right to abuse her in the first place.

[6] However, the techniques adopted by the woman in her effort to placate him are not usually successful, and the verbal and/or physical abuse worsens. Each partner senses the imminent loss of control and the growing tension and despair. Exhausted from the persistent stress, the battered woman soon withdraws emotionally. But the more she becomes emotionally unavailable, the more the batterer becomes angry, oppressive and abusive. Often, at some unpredictable point, the violence “spirals out of control” and leads to an acute battering incident.

[7] The acute battering incident is said to be characterized by brutality, destructiveness and, sometimes, death. The battered woman deems this incident as unpredictable, yet also inevitable. During this phase, she has no control; only the batterer may put an end to the violence. Its nature can be as unpredictable as the time of its explosion, and so are his reasons for ending it. The battered woman usually realizes that she cannot reason with him, and that resistance would only exacerbate her condition.

[8] At this stage, she has a sense of detachment from the attack and the terrible pain, although she may later clearly remember every detail. Her apparent passivity in the face of acute violence may be rationalized thus: the batterer is almost always much stronger physically, and she knows from her past painful experience that it is futile to fight back. Acute battering incidents are often very savage and out of control, such that innocent bystanders or intervenors are likely to get hurt.

[9] The final phase of the cycle of violence begins when the acute battering incident ends. During this tranquil period, the couple experience profound relief. On the one hand, the batterer may show a tender and nurturing behavior towards his partner. He knows that he has been viciously cruel and tries to make up for it, begging for her forgiveness and promising never to beat her again. On the other hand, the battered woman also tries to convince herself that the battery will never happen again; that her partner will change for the better; and that this “good, gentle and caring man” is the real person whom she loves.

[10] A battered woman usually believes that she is the sole anchor of the emotional stability of the batterer. Sensing his isolation and despair, she feels responsible for his well-being. The truth, though, is that the chances of his reforming, or seeking or receiving professional help, are very slim, especially if she remains with him. Generally, only after she leaves him does he seek professional help as a way of getting her back. Yet, it is in this phase of remorseful reconciliation that she is most thoroughly tormented psychologically.

[11] The illusion of absolute interdependency is well-entrenched in a battered woman’s psyche. In this phase, she and her batterer are indeed emotionally dependent on each other -- she for his nurturant behavior, he for her forgiveness. Underneath this miserable cycle of “tension, violence and forgiveness,” each partner may believe that it is better to die than to be separated. Neither one may really feel independent, capable of functioning without the other.

Effects of battering

The Supreme Court, based on the testimonies of the expert witnesses presented in Genosa’s defense, summarized the effects when a woman is abused over a period of time. Again, for the sake of clarity, I have numbered the paragraphs of this particular portion of the Court’s decision.

[1] Because of the recurring cycles of violence experienced by the abused woman, her state of mind metamorphoses. In determining her state of mind, we cannot rely merely on the judgment of an ordinary, reasonable person who is evaluating the events immediately surrounding the incident. A Canadian court has aptly pointed out that expert evidence on the psychological effect of battering on wives and common law partners are both relevant and necessary. “How can the mental state of the appellant be appreciated without it? The average member of the public may ask: Why would a woman put up with this kind of treatment? Why should she continue to live with such a man? How could she love a partner who beat her to the point of requiring hospitalization? We would expect the woman to pack her bags and go. Where is her self-respect? Why does she not cut loose and make a new life for herself? Such is the reaction of the average person confronted with the so-called ‘battered wife syndrome.’”

[2] To understand the syndrome properly, however, one’s viewpoint should not be drawn from that of an ordinary, reasonable person. What goes on in the mind of a person who has been subjected to repeated, severe beatings may not be consistent with -- nay, comprehensible to -- those who have not been through a similar experience. Expert opinion is essential to clarify and refute common myths and misconceptions about battered women.

[3] The theory of BWS formulated by Lenore Walker, as well as her research on domestic violence, has had a significant impact in the United States and the United Kingdom on the treatment and prosecution of cases, in which a battered woman is charged with the killing of her violent partner. The psychologist explains that the cyclical nature of the violence inflicted upon the battered woman immobilizes the latter’s “ability to act decisively in her own interests, making her feel trapped in the relationship with no means of escape.” In her years of research, Dr. Walker found that “the abuse often escalates at the point of separation and battered women are in greater danger of dying then.”

[4] Corroborating these research findings, Dra. Dayan said that “the battered woman usually has a very low opinion of herself. She has self-defeating and self-sacrificing characteristics.” When the violence would happen, they usually think that they provoked it, that they were the ones who precipitated the violence; that they provoked their spouse to be physically, verbally and even sexually abusive to them.”

As I pointed out in the introductory portion of this article, the Supreme Court decided the Genosa case several months before RA 9262 was promulgated. Now RA 9262, specifically Section 26, expressly provides for the “Battered Woman Syndrome” as a defense, even in the absence of any of the elements for justifying circumstances of self-defense under the Revised Penal Code.

Spousal abuse: In the name of submission?

In the area of relationships and marriage, there cannot be a more explosive and divisive issue than that of the headship of men and the submission of women. Sometime in the late 1990’s, I think, the Southern Baptist Convention issued an official statement asking women to “graciously submit” to their husbands. Needless to say, that statement was greeted with controversy, scorn and ridicule from different sectors and even from within the Convention itself. Feminist groups have been saying all these time that the Biblical injunction for women to submit to their husbands is an open invitation for spousal abuse.

If you want a thorough discussion of the Biblical doctrines of the headship of men and the submission of women, I recommend the following books to you:

[1] “Strike the Original match” by Chuck Swindoll; Multnomah Press © 1980; specifically the chapters entitled “Let’s Repair the Foundation” and “Bricks that Build a Marriage.”

[2] “The Grace Awakening” also by Chuck Swindoll; Word Publishing, ©1996; specifically the chapter entitled “A Marriage Oiled by Grace”

[3] “Together Forever” by Anne Kristin Caroll; Zondervan, © 1982 by Barbara J. Denis); specifically the chapter entitled “Who Wears the Pants?”

[4] “Rocking the Roles” by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks; NavPress, ©1991; specifically the chapters entitled “The ‘S’ Word” and “The Masculine Counterpart to the ‘S’ Word.”

For more relevant articles, please surf to The Council on Biblical Manhood & Womanhood website.This ministry offers free resources like articles, journal articles, sermons, book reviews, conference audio, online books, questions and answers, evangelical feminism and Biblical truth; with multi-lingual resources in Arabic, Chinese, Dutch, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Russian and Spanish.

Biblical response to spousal abuse

In a previous article entitled “The Myth of Mutual Submission part 2”, I wrote about the true story of Lucy Tisland who, like Marivic Genosa, killed her husband after enduring years of abuse. The question is, “How should individual Christians, pastors and churches respond to the issue of spousal abuse?”

I have discussed this issue in my article entitled “Hope and help for the battered woman (5): Biblical response to spousal abuse” but let me re-state here some of the main points of that article:

[1] Spousal abuse is a sin, and as such, must be dealt with in keeping with Matthew 18, in situations where the spouses concerned are members of the church.

[2] Spousal abuse is not only a sin, but also a crime punishable under RA 9262. Since Romans 13 commands us to be subject to the higher powers, pastors and church counselors cannot close their eyes, send the abused woman back into the abusive situation, and simply hope for the best. God’s miracle and protection for the abused woman have already been provided for in laws such as RA 9262. Pastors and counselors should therefore be familiar with the provisions of this law in order to ably counsel abused women on their rights.

Primers on the Family Code of the Philippines

Starting this week, I will be posting primers in my Legal Updates blog on the various provisions of the Family Code of the Philippines. For this week, the primer is on the basic provisions on marriage, specifically Articles 1 to 34. Please surf over to www.familymatters.org.ph for Title I, Articles 1 to 54 which comprise the complete provisions of the Family Code on marriage.

You may also want to review my previous articles on “covenant marriage” and “divorce and remarriage” from the Philippine legal standpoint. I discussed these articles with pastors and workers who attended the Baptist Mission Partners symposium last week.

Mind reading and negative interpretations

The only exercise some people do is jumping to conclusions

This is a revised version of my August 13, 2006 article entitled “Can you read my mind?” I have incorporated some new things I have learned from “A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan like mind reading as negative interpretation, confirmation bias … Plus, I’ll share with you a current personal situation on this very issue of mind reading and negative interpretations. Well, here we go!

Several months ago, I taught Literature to the 2nd year students of the Asia Baptist Bible College (a ministry of the Sta. Mesa Baptist Bible College under Rev. Joseph Boyd Lyons). As in the past several years, I spent the first week or two of this one-month subject reading and discussing poetry - Shakespeare, John Milton, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Emily Dickinson, Omar Khayyam, etc. This year, I introduced my students to the works of Kahlil Gibran. Some of Gibran’s famous lines are the following:

On Work: “Work is love made visible.”

On Pain: “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”

On Children: “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.”

If you want to read Kahlil Gibran’s poems from “The Prophet”, please surf over to http://www.katsandogz.com/gibran.html.

A consistent favorite among my students through the years is the Philippines’ very own “Beyond Forgetting” written by Rolando Carbonell. As part of the graded activities, I require my students to recite “Beyond Forgetting” from memory. With some background music by guitar or piano, the students’ recitations of the poem have sometimes been, well, beyond forgetting …

Carbonell (who has seven earned doctorates!) wrote this love poem and several others for his wife in the 1960’s, if I’m not mistaken. I remember reading this collection of poems when I was an A.B. English student in Philippine Christian University in the late 70’s.

You might be wondering why I am talking about love poems in a blog that focuses on more practical issues in relationships, marriage and the family. Well, the persona in Carbonell’s poem, near the end of the poem, says:

You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference. But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart. For how could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone? But perhaps you didn’t understand.

“Silence is the language of my heart …” It’s great poetry, brimming over with passion that makes women swoon, but such sentiment about “silence speaking a more eloquent tone” is actually the stuff that breaks marriages up.

Most experts in relationships and marriage will tell you that “communication is the key to your marriage.” In fact, there is a best-selling book by H. Norman Wright with these very words as the title. Willard Harley Jr. in his classic book “His Needs, Her Needs” says that a man should spend at least 15 hours a week talking to his wife or girlfriend. Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The Five Love Languages” says that “Words of Affirmation” is a language that a lot of people speak. Not silence, however eloquent, but words of affirmation bring vitality to a relationship. Or as someone has wisely put it, “More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence.”

Dr. James Dobson, in his book classic, best-selling book “Love Must Be Tough” (copyright 1983, 1996 by Word Incorporated; published 1999 in the Philippines by OMF Literature) however has a different take on the lack of communication between spouses. He says on page 26, to wit,

The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way one spouse begins to perceive the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped. That’s the key word, trapped.

But the fact is, during the intense, passion-filled days before marriage, a man and a woman can hardly keep themselves apart, talking, whispering, sharing secrets, plans, hopes, wishes and dreams. So what happens after marriage? The man retreats to reading his newspaper or watching the news on TV, while the woman tends the kids, watching the telenovelas by herself. So what happened? Too many wives and husbands have been hearing nothing from their spouses except for what Simon and Garfunkel said in their 1960’s hit song, the sounds of silence.

In the 1970’s the late Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder starred in a Superman movie that produced a hit song entitled, if I’m not mistaken, “Can you read my mind?” A common mistake that a lot of women make (okay, okay, some men also make this mistake) is assuming that their boyfriends or husbands can read their minds.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his website www.loveandrespect.com has a video clip where he narrates the story of a man and woman talking about where to celebrate their 5th wedding anniversary. It’s a very funny clip, but it shows how wives can sometimes leave their husbands hanging in mid-air, not knowing what they really want. And all because women have this persistent and foolish notion that if their boyfriends or husbands are really in touch with women’s emotions, they would be able to read their minds and know what they want.

Lest you think that I am just being chauvinistic, let me cite two authors (female, mind you) who encourage women to say directly to their husbands what they really want. These are Gaye Wheat, co-writer of the book “Intended for Pleasure” (copyright 1977 by Fleming H. Revel, 1981, 1997 by Ed and Gaye Wheat; published in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade and available in National Bookstore branches), and Dr. Laura Schlessinger (more popularly known in the US simply as Dr. Laura).

Gaye Wheat says in pages 153 and 154, to wit,

It is amazing how silent we women are on something as important as the sex act in marriage. We wish in silence or we suffer in silence or we hope that this time he will be different, that this time he will think of doing that which we long for him to do. Why not just tell him?

While Gaye Wheat makes this wise observation in the context of a wife’s sexual relationship with her husband, such can be translated into other areas of marriage.

Dr. Laura has written a book entitled “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Probe Ministries, through Sue Bohlin, has a review of Dr. Laura’s book which you might want to check out. Dr. Laura says that women should realize that men need direct communication from their wives. Among other things, Dr. Laura says,

Men make terrible mind readers, so be direct. Dropping subtle hints doesn’t work with most men, and it doesn’t mean a man is insensitive, uncaring or oblivious.

The bottom line? Men cannot read their wives’ minds and neither should wives expect their husbands to be able to do so. It may be a lot less romantic for a woman to engage in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband, rather than dropping subtle hints here and there. But she will save herself a lot of heartaches and frustrations if she, as Gaye Wheat and Dr. Laura both say, engages in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband.

(I’m sure a lot of you are now reaching out for your Bible and searching for Proverbs 27:5 which says, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.” Hebrew poetry is marked by parallelism, by the use of antithesis and synthesis. Most preachers have interpreted Proverbs 27:5 as an antithesis, but that’s wrong. The verse should be read together with Proverbs 28:234, Psalms 141:5 and Galatians 4:16, and should be interpreted as a synthesis. That is, if you love somebody, you should be brave enough, willing enough to confront that person about his errors and sins.)

Mind reading and negative interpretations

Scott Stanley and his co-authors of “A Lasting Legacy” warn their readers about a form of mind reading they call “negative interpretations.” This happens when one spouse thinks that he or she knows what the other spouse is thinking or the reasons why one spouse did or said a certain thing. Stanley et al say that positive mind reading tends not to cause any harm. But they warn against a spouse indulging in negative judgments about actions, thoughts and motives of the other spouse. Such a pattern of thinking, they say, leads to the destruction of a marriage or a relationship.

The question is, why do people indulge in mind reading or negative interpretations? Stanley and his co-authors say that people, by their fallen, sinful nature, have the tendency to look for proof that confirms what they have already concluded about what is true about what their spouses (or other people) have said or done. They call this “confirmation bias” and they say that even if people are completely wrong about their assumptions or interpretations, they will see only what they expect to see. In the vernacular, Filipinos would say, “Sabi ko nga ba eh!” when they engage in confirmation bias.

Dr. Eggerichs in his book “Love and Respect” emphasizes that men and women see things differently, or from blue and pink eyeglasses that color their interpretations of things. Eggerichs says that husbands should learn to look at things from the perspective of their wives and vice-versa.

People do tend to believe the worst about others or about events in their lives. An example would be the Old Testament patriarch Jacob in Genesis 42:35-38.

35. And it came to pass as they emptied their sacks, that, behold, every man's bundle of money was in his sack: and when both they and their father saw the bundles of money, they were afraid.
36. And Jacob their father said unto them, Me have ye bereaved of my children: Joseph is not, and Simeon is not, and ye will take Benjamin away: all these things are against me.
37. And Reuben spake unto his father, saying, Slay my two sons, if I bring him not to thee: deliver him into my hand, and I will bring him to thee again.
38. And he said, My son shall not go down with you; for his brother is dead, and he is left alone: if mischief befall him by the way in the which ye go, then shall ye bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave.

Notice the last part of verse 36 where Jacob says, “All these things are against me.” People really do believe the worst about their situations or about others. Or as someone has put it, “The only exercise some people do is jumping to conclusions.” People readily believe anything negative they hear about others (or even about their spouses) without taking the time to talk to the spouse or the person directly concerned about the point of misunderstanding, clarifying things without any preconceived judgments, and always giving the other person the benefit of the doubt.

It is true what the Bible says about there being safety in a multitude of counselors, but please do make sure that your so-called counselors do not have any hidden or selfish agenda when they say anything negative about an important person in your life. Always ask your so-called counselors, “Can you say directly and in person to my husband (or wife, or special someone) what you just told me?”  

If your so-called counselors don’t have the guts to say in person to your husband (or wife, or special someone) what they told you, then simply disregard whatever they have told you. Hold your judgments and conclusions until you have talked to the person concerned. Or, as Filipinos would say in the vernacular, “Huwag maniwala sa sabi-sabi!”

Maybe you have heard the term “due process” which is foundational to our system of law and justice. The term simply means, in the words of US Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr, “that which hears before it condemns.” In simpler words, fundamental fairness demands that you hear the other person out.

How so different from negative interpretations and mind reading is what the Apostle Paul said in I Corinthians 13: 4 – 7 about love, to wit,

4. Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5. Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6. Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7. Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Did you get that? Love thinks no evil (or does not engage in mind reading and negative interpretations, or in the vernacular, “hindi naniniwala sa sabi-sabi”). Love is not easily provoked (or does not readily believe anything negative said about a loved one without giving that loved one the benefit of the doubt and the chance to explain himself or herself). Love rejoices not in iniquity (or doesn’t engage in confirmation bias and says, in the vernacular, “Sabi ko nga ba eh!”).

The paragraph above sounds a little bit negative and harsh. Maybe because a lot of things I have said here hits too close to home, so to speak, right now. Maybe it’s because I’m going through a period when someone has made a negative interpretation of something I supposedly said or did, and that person has not given me the chance to hear me out. There’s really nothing I can do to stop that person from listening to the so-called counselors who have their hidden, selfish agenda (and who have in the past been proven wrong). That person is exercising volition, free will, choice …

But I must admit that I have done my own share of mind reading and negative interpretations in the past, and currently struggling to rid myself of these things so deeply ingrained in my fallen, sinful nature. It is a difficult struggle indeed for all of us. Perhaps A.W. Tozer said it best in his book, “The Pursuit of God” (copyright 1995 by Christian Publications) about the difficulty of putting our sins, our old nature to death:

“The ancient curse will not go out painlessly; the tough old miser within us will not lie down and die in obedience to our command. He must be torn out of our heart like a plant from the soil; he must be extracted in agony and blood like a tooth from the jaw. He must be expelled from our soul by violence, as Christ expelled the moneychangers from the temple. And we shall need to steel ourselves against his piteous begging and to recognize it as springing out of self-pity, one of the most reprehensible sins of the human heart.”

The joys of photography

As I told you last week, I’m reading through the book “A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan. The book is based on a program from the University of Denver known as Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) which has received extensive media coverage in the US. The book’s authors claim that it can be predicted with 80 to 91 percent accuracy which couples will have a good, stable marriage and which couples will end up in divorce.

I’m thoroughly enjoying reading this book. I’m learning about “XYZ” statements, differentiating between issues and events, the Gender Dance, the Speaker-Listener Technique … I have already finished reading the chapter on “Ground Rules on Protecting Your Marriage From Conflict” and I already have a title for my future review of this chapter - “Marriage: The Ultimate Fighting Championship.” (Some of you might know that the UFC is a very popular mixed martial arts competition shown on cable TV.) Once I get through the whole book, I will write a review of what I have learned.

It’s just really too bad that this book is not available locally. Maybe those folks from OMF Literature, PCBS, Christian Literature Crusade or the Church Strengthening Ministry can either import the book from the US or make arrangements to have it reprinted locally. This is one book Filipino couples (whether married or about to be) should read!

Anyway, let’s take a brief respite from discussing articles on the family, relationships and marriage, and focus on the world’s most popular hobby – photography. I have been posting articles on photojournalism in my Campus Connection blog . I started posting these articles in April 2006 and so most of the articles are already in the Archives section. You’ve got to dig the articles up by clicking the links in the Archives section on the right hand column of the blog. I suggest that you begin with the Introduction to Photography article and then work your way up through the articles. Just to whet your appetite, so to speak, below is a part of the Introduction.

World literature tells us the tragic story of Faust who vowed to bargain away his soul if he could find one perfect moment of happiness. He would eternally forfeit his soul if upon finding that one perfect moment of happiness, he would utter the words, “Stay, you are so beautiful.” He couldn’t find that happiness in his relationships, in society, in achievements, but he did find it in a small village by the sea, with the sun setting down, and mothers calling upon their small children to come back to their homes. In the simple joys of these village folks, Faust found his one perfect moment of happiness. At last, he said the words, “Stay, you are so beautiful!” and his soul was eternally forfeited.

Photography has the power to capture not only our perfect moments of love and happiness, but also searing images of cruelty and poverty. It has the power to preserve in a rectangular frame the beauty of a thousand sunsets, the joys of parents seeing their child just learning how to walk on its own, the sublime happiness of students graduating after four years of hard work and sacrifice.

Unlike Faust, however, we do not have to bargain away our souls in order to capture our perfect moments of happiness. We only have to pick up our cameras, look at the world through the viewfinder, and as life passes before our lenses, capture these perfect moments of happiness on film, as we say in our hearts and minds, “Stay, you are so beautiful!”

“Coming Attractions”

In sickness or in health; the Battered Woman Syndrome; a Christian guide to fighting for your marriage; dreary divorce statistics and sexy lingerie to create better marriages in Australia …

Sorry, men and women, but except for this rambling piece, I really don’t have a well thought out article for you this week. Mainly because I have been busy and have been sick … Let me recount my week for you.

One, I was busy this week judging the photojournalism contest for the Division Young Writers’ Conference for grade school students from Pasig City and San Juan.

Two, I acted as guest panelist for a group report in the Psychology 118 class of UP Diliman. Great reports, guys!

On my way to UP Diliman, a former co-teacher and his brother gave me a ride and on our way there, I counseled the brother on his marital woes and legal problems. He told me that his estranged wife (who once nearly choked him to death while he was suffering from asthma) now controls all their conjugal properties and he couldn’t get his share which he needs to get medical treatment.

Three, right after that sortie into UP Diliman, I took the LRT from Katipunan to SM Centerpoint in Sta. Mesa. I spent about an hour or two uploading some pictures for my Campus Connection blog and a primer on sexual harassment for my Legal Updates blog. I went home after 7 PM, troubled after reading an e-mail from a young woman in great emotional and spiritual distress, and seeking counseling from me over the betrayal of her trust by a person she had held in high esteem.

Four, Wednesday, after uploading pictures for my “Baptist Churches in the Philippines” blog, I talked with the president of the Asia Baptist Bible College about an Internet ministry and PDF newsletter that could possibly help the college.

Five, late Wednesday afternoon, I began feeling sick with fever and headaches. Since that time, I have been house bound and bedridden, down with … I don’t know what exact illness I have. Maybe I should consult Wikipedia. (I must have been hexed by the women who were offended by my article on Jang Geum!) And yesterday morning, I began to have some sneezing and a runny nose.

Thursday morning, I was feeling well enough to entertain a pastor from the province who visited me. But after listening to his personal problems and that of his church (unpaid amortizations for their lot for the past several months), the headaches and fever came back.

Last Friday night was the Music Fest of Bethany Makati’s Bible College with the special participation of the students from L.D. Woosley Bethany Colleges. I wanted to go and take pictures but you probably have heard that Biblical description – a willing spirit but a weakened flesh …

So I spent Friday night, covered up in a heavy T-shirt and jogging pants, watching the news, alternating between “24 Oras” and “TV Patrol.” A news item on “24 Oras” caught my attention and I thought that it would be a good article for my blogs. The news item (announced at the start of the program and repeated as “crawlers” at the bottom of the screen from time to time) said that the estranged wife of a popular host of a daily TV program on Channel 2, was suffering from “Battered Woman’s Syndrome.”

But I didn’t get to see and hear that particular news item since by 7 PM, my cute niece Chloe wanted to turn the TV to the Disney Channel so she could watch her favorite show “That’s so Raven.” Being the good and gracious and loving uncle that I am, I turned over the remote to Chloe.

Anyway, I will write one of these days a lengthy article on the “Battered Woman Syndrome.” RA 9262 or the “Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act of 2004” defines BWS as “a scientifically defined pattern of psychological and behavioral symptoms found in women living in battering relationships as a result of cumulative abuse.” Section 26 of RA 9262 discusses the “Battered Woman Syndrome” as a defense, to wit,

Victim-survivors who are found by the courts to be suffering from battered woman syndrome do not incur any criminal and civil liability notwithstanding the absence of any of the elements for justifying circumstances of self-defense under the Revised Penal Code.

In the determination of the state of mind of the woman who was suffering from battered woman syndrome at the time of the commission of the crime, the courts shall be assisted by expert psychiatrists/ psychologists.

Did you get that? If an abused woman kills or inflict physical injuries on her abusive husband or live-in partner, once the court determines that she is suffering from the “Battered Woman Syndrome”, the court will declare her not guilty. Wowowee!

Even before the passage of RA 9262 into law last March 2004, the Supreme Court had already applied the “Battered Woman Syndrome” in the case of Marivic Genosa, a Leyteña convicted of killing her husband. The Supreme Court, taking BWS as a mitigating circumstance, reduced Genosa’s penalty, and for time already served, Genosa was released from the Correctional Institution for Women in Mandaluyong sometime in January or February 2004.

I will also be writing for you an article on preventing the sexual abuse of children. Once I get well enough, I’ll start doing the research. That’s a promise.

One bit of good news I had last week was when I received as a gift some books from Bro. David Witta and his family, residents of Massachusetts, USA. Bro. David and his family are planning to retire here in the Philippines next year. These books are “A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan; “Who Moved the Goalpost?” by Bob Gresh; and “Pursuing the Pearl: The Quest for a Pure, Passionate Marriage” by Dannah Gresh.

“A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” is based on materials, research and a program from the University of Denver known as Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). This program has been extensively reported on by CNN and MNSBC, and by programs such as 20/20, 48 Hours, Good Morning America, Fox News, The Today Show and Oprah. The book’s authors claim that it can be predicted with 80 to 91 percent accuracy which couples will have a good, stable marriage and which couples will end up in divorce. In page 4, the authors say, “For many couples, the seeds of distress and a future divorce are there early in the marriage and, in many cases, before the couple even says, “I do.”

I have previously written, based on a Probe Ministries article, something about PREP. Please surf over to my article entitled “Why marriages fail: he said, she said …” Anyway, once I get through reading the book, I will write a longer review for you. It’s just too bad that “A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” is not available in local bookstores.

Maybe, men and women from Australia should begin importing thousands of copies of “A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” from the US and applying its proven principles. Last Sunday, the Bulletin carried an article about the dreary statistics on marriage breakups from Down Under. The article, datelined Sydney (dpa), cited the following statistics:

[1] Forty percent of marriages in Australia end in divorce

[2] The Australian government spends billions in supporting single-parent families and the social consequences of family breakdown.

[3] There are twice as many single mothers living on welfare compared to 20 years ago.

[4] One third of adult Australians are without a partner.

[5] Single parent households today comprise 10% of Australian families, double the rate 30 years ago.

So, what’s one of the solutions being offered to change this dismal state of marriage in Australia? Believe it or not, the article said that “a government subsidy on sexy underwear would cut divorce rates, boost birth rates and make Australia a happier nation.” This suggestion came from Gail Lee, proprietor of Leethal Fashion Accessories from her interview with Australia’s AAP news agency. Lee said, “We need something to help people to overcome these traumatic problems and subsidized lingerie would mean women would feel a lot better and their husbands will feel a lot better.”

Wowowee! Sexy lingerie, subsidized by the government, as a means of fighting divorce and creating stronger marriages … I think I’m beginning to feel a lot better now.