And the bride wore white …

I began teaching in 1981 in Dona Aurora High School in the town of San Mateo, Rizal. Twenty six years ago, San Mateo was still a primarily agricultural town, with rice fields lining both sides of the street. After staying there for two years, I then transferred to Quezon City Science High School. After one year there, I went to Rizal High School in Pasig where I taught from 1984 up to 1995. One thing I learned from teaching in high school is that perhaps the most problematic time for students (boys and girls) is their junior year.

I remember in my first year of teaching, I saw a group of girls from my 3rd year advisory class climbing across a low wall at lunch time in order to cut their classes and as I found out later on. to spend time with their boyfriends. Together with one of my class officers, I ran after them and traced them to a house. I then went back to school and reported the incident to the principal. Parents and guardians were informed and disciplinary actions were handed down. One of these girls later on (right after high school) had to get married because she was already pregnant.

Statistics on teenage pregnancies and sexual experiences

Dr. James Dobson, I think, said that a million teenagers in the US get pregnant every year. In the Philippines, according to the 2003 National Demographic and Health Survey, one out of four women become mothers by age 19 while four out of 10 women in the 20-24-year-old bracket have already engaged in sexual activity.

In recent times, I have known of incidents involving unwed pregnancies and premarital sexual activities involving pastors’ kids and teenagers who grew up in church. One pastor asked me if he could solemnize a marriage between members of his church (both minors), the girl having gotten pregnant. I informed him that under the Family Code, no person below 18 can get married, even with parental consent. One pastor in Cavite who has become frustrated by what was happening to the young people in his church once asked me what to do.

I strongly support sexual abstinence and purity programs such as True Love Waits and Silver Ring Thing. One author I highly recommend to you (whether you are a mother or father, a teenager, a pastor or youth director) is Dannah Gresh.

Resources on sexual purity before and during marriage by Dannah Gresh

Dannah’s websites are www.purefreedom.org, www.secretkeepergirl.com and www.dannahgresh.com. Her books on sexual purity before and during marriage are “And the Bride Wore White,” “Pursuing the Pearl,” and “Secret Keeper Girl”.

November last year, I gave a lecture for the BMP-HELP pastors conference in Tagaytay City. Rushing home to Manila in the afternoon, I got to OMF Lit Bookstore in Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong just before 5 PM. From the love gift given to me by the pastors, I was able to buy at nearly seven hundred pesos the very last copy of “And the Bride Wore White.” Several months later, I gave this book as a graduation gift to the love of my life. She is the second most beautiful woman in the universe. Who is the most beautiful woman in the universe, you ask? Well, who else but movie actress Angel Locsin!

In the Purefreedom website, Dannah and her husband Bob, explain what their ministry to young men and women is all about:

It is the mission of Pure Freedom to equip men and women of all ages to live a vibrant life of purity, to experience healing from past impurity if it exists in their lives, and to experience a vibrant, passionate marriage which portrays the love Christ has for his Bride the church.(Ministry verse: Ephesians 5:31,32)

Pure Freedom provides resources with radically-unique approaches to focus on specific issues that teen girls and/or guys face in the area of purity and holiness. Our events, the hallmark of our ministry, are about sexual purity and yet they are much more about the totality of a life submitted to the will of God in a quest to enjoy the blessings of His plan.

We believe that the temptation to fail sexually comes in different forms for girls and for boys. We also believe that they will one day enjoy God's gift of sex within the confines of marriage for different reasons. Whereas the girls are primarily emotionally driven, the guys are primarily driven by sight. Because of this dichotomy, it is vital that we educate them separately and emphasize different areas of temptation.

In their seminars for young men and women, Dannah and Bob have expounded on the Bible’s principles on sexual purity through their discussion of the Hebrew word "yada". In their website, they explain that "yada" is used to both refer to holy sexuality as in that between Adam and Eve AND to refer to the holy knowing that a man can know with God. It speaks of the emotional and spiritual nature of a relationship.

Seven secrets to sexual purity

Dannah, in her book “And the Bride Wore White”, discusses the following secrets to maintaining sexual purity:

[1] Purity is a process.
[2] Purity dreams of its future.
[3] Purity is governed by its value.
[4] Purity speaks boldly.
[5] Purity loves its Creator at any cost.
[6] Purity embraces wise guidance.
[7] Purity watches burning flames.

Dannah does not simply discuss things at a theoretical level. One of the very practical tips she gives in her book on how teenagers can stay sexually pure is to "stay public and stay vertical."

The quest for a pure, passionate marriage

The second book by Dannah Gresh which I have read is “Pursuing the Pearl” (it was a gift from Bro. David Witta and his family from Massachusetts, USA). In this book, she discusses what she calls “The Enemy’s Fake Pearls” which are [1] status and stuff; [2] social acceptance; [3] giving up and starting over; [4] pride and dreams.

Locally, this book costs around four hundred pesos. That is quite steep, but what Dannah says in page pages 62 and 63 are worth the price of the book. She warns her readers, “Sexual impurity is a zero tolerance arena. You are on shaky ground if there are emotional bonds being created between you and another man (or your husband and another woman).” Dannah explains that these bonds begin with little things like:

• Innocently having lunch alone with a man


• Seeking advice from a man about personal issues, especially marital issues


• Seeking or accepting frequent praise or affirmation from the same man


• Being or becoming comfortable with being alone in an office or a home together


• Intentionally seeking out time to be with this man


• Manipulating your schedule to see him


• Spending time fantasizing about him

If you are parents concerned about your teenage kids and their sexual purity, a pastor or youth leader seeking to help your youth group, or a man or woman thinking of the best Christmas gift to give the love of your life, consider giving them any of Dannah Gresh’s books.

The only book by Dannah Gresh I haven’t read yet is “Secret Keeper Girl.” Two problems. One, as far as I know, there are no copies of this book locally. Two, even if it were available, how do I go about buying the book? Hey, I am a guy and I’m thinking, what would the store clerks say if I bought a copy of this book?

What cancer cannot do

Last Sunday morning, I was informed that the valedictorian of my batch in law school (Jose Rizal College, now Jose Rizal University) died of cancer of the pancreas. Back in our law school days, we competed against each other in class recitations and in exams. In recent years, I referred cases to him, and in turn, he would ask me to make special appearances whenever he had conflicts in his trial schedule.

Many years ago, Dra. Rita Cruz-Clavio, long-time doctor in Rizal High School in Pasig City died after a lingering bout also with cancer of the pancreas. Early this year, my former church mate (Bethany Makati) Dra. Myrna Gigantone succumbed to cancer.

Perhaps my earliest memory of someone suffering from and dying of cancer is that of Rose, sort of an “ate” to me during my days at the Mandaluyong Bible Baptist Church in Nueve de Febrero St. in the 1970’s. She was an Ilocana and so we called her “Manang Rose”. For over a year, she was very sick but doctors couldn’t diagnose what was wrong with her. It was only when her nurse-friend Azer (if I remember her name correctly) took Rose to PGH that she was diagnosed with cancer. I remember that Sunday morning when our pastor announced that Manang Rose was terminally ill with cancer.

She was confined in PGH and since I was studying at that time in the nearby Philippine Christian University, I visited Manang Rose one afternoon. I found her in a good mood and she kept telling me and another visitor that she was feeling quite well and that she wanted to go home. I knew she was dying and I turned to look at the traffic in Taft Avenue to avoid looking at her. Her family finally brought her home to Tayug, Pangasinan but even then, they could not muster the courage to tell her that she was dying.

Manang Rose died and we were told that during her last moments, she was singing her favorite gospel song. Several members of the church went to Tayug for the funeral. I wanted so much to go to Tayug to say my final goodbye to Manang Rose and so I borrowed money from my sister for the transportation.

Below is a short but very famous poem about cancer. The author’s unknown but it began circulating sometime in 1999. There’s a PDF version of this poem which you might want to download.

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple Love.
It cannot shatter Hope.
It cannot corrode Faith.
It cannot destroy Peace.
It cannot kill Friendship.
It cannot suppress Memories.
It cannot silence Courage.
It cannot invade the Soul.
It cannot steal Eternal Life.
It cannot conquer the Spirit.

Hope: Where is God when it hurts?

One of my favorite writers is Philip Yancey. I don't agree with everything he says but in terms of language and writing style, he is head and shoulders above other Christian writers. I have read and re-read several of his books (What's So Amazing About Grace?; Reaching for the Invisible God; Finding God in Unexpected Places; Disappointment with God; The Jesus I Never Knew; In His Image; Fearfully and Wonderfully Made.) My favorite among Yancey's books is his classic "Where is God When It Hurts?" The best chapters in this book are "Arms Too Short to Box with God" and On My Feet Dancing." On page 77 of this book, Yancey sums up what God may be saying to us in times of pain, sickness, or death:

“God is speaking to us through pain - or perhaps, in spite of pain. He can use it to make us aware of Him. The symphony He is working out includes minor chords, dissonance, and tiring fugal passages. But those of us who follow His conducting through these early movements will, with renewed strength someday burst into song.”

Memories and an unanswered question

The question that has been in my mind all these years is, should we have told Manang Rose that she was terminally ill? We had to respect her family's desire not to tell her and so we did not.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross became famous with her study on death and dying. She discovered that a person who knows he or she is terminally ill oftentimes goes through certain stages – anger, denial, bargaining and acceptance. Kubler-Ross discovered that a dying person oftentimes focuses not on his or her academic achievements, career highlights, professional pinnacles, but on snatches of childhood memories, stories of friendships from long ago, and on events that may have seemed insignificant at the time but which impending death and reflection have now given a new perspective. A dying person oftentimes thinks about places that hold special memories (the house in the province, the old high school), childhood friends, falling in love for the first time …

Zoe: Eternal life

Theologians tell us that “zoe” is the Greek word for “eternal life” or “eternity.” One pastor, teaching on eternal life, was innocently asked by a grade school student, “Pastor, do you mean to say that I will forever be a Grade 5 student?” The pastor then explained that “zoe” does not refer only to an endless period of time but also to the distinct quality of life for that endless period of time.

When I was a first year student in high school, I had a classmate named Felino (a math genius). One time, as we were on the top level of the grandstand, gazing at the Marikina River flowing lazily behind the school, Felino said that when his time to die came, he wanted to be cremated and his ashes scattered all over the river. That he said, was his idea of eternal life.

I think it was martyred missionary Jim Elliot who said, “When it’s your time to die, make sure that all you have to do is die.” What he says, I think, is not to leave any loose ends in your life - no words of love, affirmation or encouragement left unsaid; no hurts and heartaches inflicted by other people left unforgiven; none of your own sins and offenses against other people left unconfessed …
Famous American preacher Peter Marshall (former chaplain of the US Senate) once said, "Death isn't a wall, it's a door." The Apostle Paul clarifies in I Corinthians 15:51-58 that death comes to us all and then eternity begins:

Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,
In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.

For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality.

So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is thy sting?

O grave, where is thy victory?

The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.

But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

Protecting our families and churches from Internet pornography

Pornography in its various forms (magazines, videos, films, online, etc) is a 12 to 13 billion dollar industry that’s wreaking havoc on families and churches. And yet, according to Kerby Anderson’s article “The Pornography Plague” in Probe Ministries, “Christian are often ignorant of its impact and apathetic about the need to control this menace.”

Children are the target of online pornographers. According to a 2002 report by the prestigious London School of Economics, “9 out of ten children aged between 8 and 16 years have viewed pornography on the Internet. In most cases, sites were accessed unintentionally when a child used a seemingly innocent sounding word to search for information or pictures.” Sue Bohlin in her Probe Ministries article entitled “Protecting Your Family On the Internet” warns that

Like the tobacco industry used to, the pornography industry aggressively targets young children as consumers. They position their Web sites to be found in seemingly innocent searches using words like toys, Disney, Nintendo, or dolls.” Bohlin’s article further states, “According to NetValue, children spent 64.9 percent more time on pornography sites than they did on game sites in September 2000. Over one quarter (27.5%) of children age 17 and under visited an adult Web site, which represents 3 million unique underage visitors.

Definitions of pornography and obscenity

Jeff Olson in his full-length article “When A Man’s Eyes Wander” from RBC Ministries, defines pornography as,

Pornography is any written or visual material that depicts nudity and/or sexually explicit activity for the purpose of causing sexual arousal. Of course, not all descriptions or photographs of nudity, sexual organs, and sexual activity (such as those found in educational material or medical textbooks) are pornographic. What makes material pornographic is its calculated intent to cause sexual arousal.

According to Anderson’s article, “The 1986 Attorney General Commission on Pornography defined pornography as material that is predominantly sexually explicit and intended primarily for the purpose of sexual arousal. Hard core pornography is sexually explicit in the extreme, and devoid of any other apparent content or purpose.”

Any discussion about pornography includes the term “obscenity.” The Philippine Supreme Court has followed the 1973 US Supreme Court ruling in Miller vs. California in defining what “obscenity” is. According to the Miller case, material is obscene if all three of the following conditions are met:

[1] The average person, applying contemporary community standards, would find that the work, taken as a whole, appealsto the prurient interests.

[2] The work depicts or describes, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct specifically defined by the applicable state (orfederal) law, and

[3] The work taken as a whole, lacks serious, artistic, political or scientific value.

Why men get hooked on pornography

Olson’s article for RBC deals extensively with the dangers, effects and ways out of addiction to pornography. Some of the chapters in his article are [1] Why Are Men So Vulnerable To Pornography? [2] Why Do Men Continue To Look? [3] The Payoff Of Pornography; and [4] A Crisis Of Faith And Hope. From these chapters, Olson enumerates the reasons why men get hooked in pornography:

[1] Men are aroused visually.
[2] History of a man's sexualization: early exposure to pornography; repeated exposure to pornography; and childhood sexual abuse
[3] Male affirmation.
[4] Easy relief
[5] Subtle revenge
[6] Personal sabotage
[7] It feels needed: the idolatry within.
[8] It feels deserved: the cynical anger within.

One of my favorite writers, John Eldredge, defines pornography as a “paper harem”. In page 90 of his book “Wild at Heart”, he has a different spin on why men get caught up in pornography:

Why is pornography the most addictive thing in the universe for men? Certainly there’s the fact that men are visually wired, that pictures and images arouse men much more than they do women. But the deeper reason is because that seductive beauty reaches down inside and touches your desperate hunger for validation as a man you didn’t know you had, touches it like nothing else most men have ever experienced . You must understand – this is deeper than legs and breasts and good sex. It is mythological. Look at the lengths men will go to find the golden-haired woman. They have fought duels over her beauty, they have fought wars. You see, every man remembers Eve. We are haunted by her. And somehow we believe that if we could find her, get her back, then we’d also recover with her our own lost masculinity.”

I don’t agree with everything Eldredge says and in the quote above, he sounds as if he is justifying a man’s desire for pornography. However, he clarifies in page 187 the sinister nature of pornography:

Most men want the maiden without any sort of cost to themselves. They want all the joys of the beauty without any of the woes of the battle. This is the sinister nature of pornography – enjoying the woman at her expense. Pornography is what happens when a man insists on being energized by a woman; he uses her to get a feeling that he is a man. It is a false strength, as I’ve said, because it depends on an outside source rather than emanating from deep within his center. And it is the paragon of selfishness. He offers nothing and takes everything. We are warned about this sort of man in the story of Judah and Tamar, a story that if it weren’t in the Bible, you would have thought I drew straight from a television miniseries.

A pastor’s fall from grace; how pornography affects marriages

Christine J Gardner in her article “Tangled in the Worst of the Web” (Christianity Today, March 5, 2001) chronicles the tragic true story of how a nationally known youth pastor in the US destroyed his marriage and ministry because of his addiction to pornography. (Here in the Philippines, I have been told about a pastor who was forced out of his church when his addiction to online pornography which led to an adulterous affair with the church secretary was exposed.)

At the concluding part of Gardner’s article, she cites the devastating effect of this pastor’s addiction to pornography on his wife:

Understandably, many wives have a difficult time surviving the fallout from pornography. One wife who caught her husband looking at pornography on the Internet likened it to a bomb exploding in her heart and marriage. Another wife felt hurt, used, and degraded after she caved in to her husband's demands to watch and reenact a pornographic video. Her struggle to forgive and to believe in him is enormous. Learning to trust her husband again is a long and bumpy process.

Please take note also that sexual violence against a wife under Republic Act 9262 includes “forcing her to watch obscene publications and indecent shows.” The penalty for sexual violence is imprisonment of six years (minimum) up to 12 years (maximum). The maximum penalty is imposed if the violence is committed while the woman is pregnant or in the presence of the children.

Preventive measures and free Internet filters against online pornography

Bohlin’s article for Probe Ministries cites some preventive measures against online pornography, among which are [1} placing the computer in a public place in the home or in the office; and {2] using filters to screen pornographic materials.

Some free internet filtering, parental controls and Christian accountability software you can use are:

[1] TechMission Safe Families We-Blocker internet filtering software from http://www.safefamilies.org/download.php (Free software to block inappropriate material)

[2] X3Watch from http://x3watch.com/ (An accountability software program helping with online integrity. Whenever you browse the Internet and access a site which may contain questionable material, the program will save the site name on your computer in a hidden folder. A person of your choice (an accountability partner) will receive an email containing all possible questionable sites you may have visited within the month. This information is meant to encourage open and honest conversation between friends and help us all be more accountable.)

[3] TUKI from http://tuki.com/ (Web browser designed for children that has parental controls)

[4] Dan’s Guardian from http://dansguardian.org/ (An award winning Open Source web content filter which currently runs on Linux, FreeBSD, OpenBSD, NetBSD, Mac OS X, HP-UX, and Solaris. It filters the actual content of pages based on many methods including phrase matching, PICS filtering and URL filtering. It does not purely filter based on a banned list of sites like lesser totally commercial filters.)

[5] Accountability Pal from http://sourceforge.net/projects/accpal/ (Monitors your network and keeps track of who is using the Internet and what they are viewing, downloading, uploading, etc. It emails a report of each user's activity to the person/people you specify. Great for parents and businesses.)

[6] Naomi from http://www.naomifilter.org/ (An advanced internet filtering program. Easy to use and totally free, this is intended for families, and kids in particular.)

Naomifilter.org enumerates the following useful programs in protecting against online pornography:

Care2's Race for Children - click daily (for free) to help provide children in need with food, medical attention and education
K9 Web Protection - a free internet filter
Safe Families - free internet filtering and parental control software
Reveal - a free program for finding if porn files are stored on your computer
File Sharing Sentinel - free parental control tool for blocking file-sharing programs
SurfPass - free version of the SurfPass filter, which also allows time limits, logging, etc.
B Gone - free web filter based on keywords list
NoWorrys - allows access to trusted sites (list) only (see also: PpGuard)
ICRA Plus - free tool, offers control over access to labelled sites
WebWatcher - one of the best commercial parental control tools
X3 Watch - free accountability program (informs about accesses to questionable sites - for PC and MAC)KidRocket - web browser for young kids (limits access to web sites)
Hosts-File.net - easily block scammer, phishing and other malicious websites (Windows only)
LogProtect - prevent your child from transmitting his personal coordinates (can be bypassed, though)
Popup blockers - free software for removing unwanted pop-ups
FraudEliminator - anti-phishing (email frauds) toolbar
SpyBot - free program to remove dialers, spyware, and other malware from your pc
HiJackThis - invaluable tools for removal of hijackers, dialers, and more (download CWShredded and HiJackThis)
Free tools - listing free filters, website is in French
Squid - proxy/blacklisting for administrators
Censornet - a free filter for Linux

Deal or no deal?

Unless you have been living in a cave, you have probably seen Kris Aquino’s popular show “Deal or No Deal” on Channel 2. It is an exciting program that tests the contestants’s nerves and adventurous spirit, and which promises (and has delivered) hefty sums of money to those who either correctly choose the right case or who know when to stop and say “Deal!”

Making deals doesn’t only happen in Kris Aquino’s show or in business transactions. In most marriages, husbands and wives often resort to making deals in deciding what to do in certain situations. A lot of times, a husband wants to do something but the wife doesn’t agree to it, or vice-versa. What usually happens is that, to preserve domestic peace, the reluctant partner agrees but with the condition (whether express or implied) that next time around, he or she will get his/her way. Conflicts arise and resentments grow however when this condition is not fulfilled later on, and the partner who gave in previously is forced or pressured to give in one more time.

The love busters: negative habits that destroy romantic love

Dr. Willard Harley Jr. is a world-famous marriage counselor who wrote the classic books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters.” The latter book (published by Fleming H. Revell; copyright 1992, 1997 and 2002 by Harley), is subtitled “Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love.” Harley enumerates these negative habits as:

1. Selfish demands: Who wants to live with a dictator?

2. Annoying habits: Who wants to live with a dripping faucet?

3. Angry outbursts: Who wants to live with a time bomb?

4. Disrespectful judgments: Who wants to live with a critic?

5. Independent behavior: Who wants to live with an inconsiderate jerk?

6. Dishonesty: Who wants to live with a liar?

The Policy of Joint Agreement to find fair solutions

In cases of marital disputes, Harley says the fair solution is that which take both spouses into account and which make them both happy. In page 54 of “Love Busters”, Harley discusses what he calls the “Policy of Joint Agreement” and which he sums up in this statement: “Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.”

Harley explains that “it is important to take each other’s interests and feelings into account whenever you make a decision.” The reason? Harley says, “Demands will not lead to a mutually satisfying solution. They lead to a solution where one person tries to gain at the other’s expense. Moreover, Harley clarifies, “When people are forced to do something they do not want to do they often develop a very negative emotional reaction to the very thought of it.

(Harley uses the words “enthusiastic” and “enthusiastically” in explaining his Policy of Joint Agreement. These words come from “enthusiasm” which traces its origin to two Greek words “en theos” which means “the god within”.)

So how do couples avoid demands and making deals that create conflicts and resentments? Harley suggests these three action steps: [1] Explain what you want and ask how your spouse feels about doing it; [2] If your spouse has a problem with your request, withdraw it in its present form; and [3] Discuss other ways your spouse could enthusiastically help you.

“Love Busters” is available in PCBS, OMF Lit and National Bookstore. The book is a little bit expensive at Php 369.30 unit price, but if you’re married and having problems with your spouse, it’s really a deal.

Free paralegal training for pastors, church workers, Bible school students, and interested parties

Christ Baptist Church, under Rev. Jose Conui III, is sponsoring free paralegal training seminars for its Introduction to Law (ITL) students and for anyone interested in learning the following: [1] procedures in civil, criminal and administrative cases; [2] essential provisions of the Family Code and relevant laws; [3] land problems; [4] SEC registration of churches; and [5] other topics.

Schedules of the seminars are: November 19 and 26; December 3 and 17; January 7 and 14, from 1 to 5 PM. Venue is Christ Baptist Church, B 24 Navarro Cmpd, Soldiers' Hills, Putatan, Muntinlupa City. Certificates will be awarded to those who finish the seminars (total of 24 hours).

For more information, please call Wella Conui at CBC tel. no. 842-4684.

The One and Only [2]

There's a hopelessly romantic story that’s currently sweeping the Internet. In the words of the ABC News report, it’s the story of "Patrick Moberg, a 21-year-old New Yorker, who made blogosphere headlines this week when he developed a Web site, nygirlofmydreams.com , dedicated to finding a mystery girl he was too shy to approach on a train.

He described her as wearing blue tights, blue shorts and a flower in her hair, and even included a sketch of both himself and the girl." The girl turned out to be “a 22-year-old Australian magazine intern named Camille Hayton”. Yahoo has a video of this story entitled “Love at first subway ride”. You can also read the ABC News story titled “Hopeless Romantic Found His Mystery Girl Online”.

Well, well, well, love and romance … As the title of Han Suyin’s novel states, love is a many-splendored thing. Or as Dr. Willard Harley Jr said in his book “His Needs, Her Needs,” a woman’s need for romance never ceases. Perhaps, Omar Khayyam (in Edward Fitzgerald's translation of Rubaiyat) sums it all up about romantic love: “Ah, Love! Could you and I with Him conspire, To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, Would not we shatter it to bits, And then remold it nearer to the heart's desire!”

Reality bites

I don’t want to be a killjoy but as I read about Patrick and Camille’s story, I can’t help recalling that in the Philippines, there are more than 400 annulment cases filed all over the country every month. Or that the DSWD has reported that 40% of couples in CALABARZON are merely living in. Perhaps, what Sandra Bullock’s character said to Keannu Reeves in the movie “Speed” is quite appropriate. After the high speed bus ride and surviving a mad bomber together, Sandra’s character says, “Relationships that begin under intense circumstances never last.” You might also want to review my article “Transformers: Why do persistent suitors become passive husbands?”

So how do you find true love?
 
A lot of pastors and youth leaders teach that out of the hundreds of millions of people in the world, God ordained before the foundation of the world, one and only one person to be your marriage partner. That in a nutshell is the "one and only" theory.

Some prominent Christian writers like Joshua Harris (“I Kissed Dating Goodbye”), Eric and Leslie Ludy (“When God Writes Your Love Story”) subscribe to this “one and only” theory. Even world famous evangelist Billy Graham believed in this theory.
On the other hand, other Christian leaders like Dr. James Dobson, Bill and Lynne Hybels say that the “one and only” theory does not have any Biblical support and can even be dangerous for a couple experiencing marital struggles.

Exercise your judgment, common sense and discretionary powers in choosing a mate

Dobson in his book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” (Living Books, Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.) in pages 94 and 95, says this (emphasis by boldfacing supplied) :

“Anyone who believes that God guarantees a successful marriage to every Christian is in for a shock. This is not to say that he is disinterested in the choice of a mate, or that he will not answer a specific request for guidance on this all-important decision. Certainly, his will should be sought in such a critical matter and I consulted him repeatedly before proposing to my wife. However, I do not believe that God performs a routine match-making service for everyone who worships him. He has given us judgment, common sense, and discretionary powers, and he expects us to exercise these abilities in matters matrimonial. Those who believe otherwise are likely to enter marriage glibly, thinking, “God would have blocked this development if he didn’t approve of it.” To such confident people I can only say, “Lotsa luck.”

The dangers of the “one and only one” theory; choose carefully, move slowly, pray for guidance, seek wise counsel, examine your heart

The Hybels couple in their book “Fit To Be Tied” (Zondervan Publishing House, Michigan, USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade) in debunking the “one and only” theory, discusses the dangers and pitfalls of such a theory in pages 114 and 115 (emphasis by boldfacing supplied) :

“… sometimes when couples discover how different they really are, they jump to the conclusion that their marriage is hopeless, that they might as well give up because they chose the wrong spouse. Sometimes well-meaning Christians contribute to their sense of hopelessness.

We once heard a pastor say, “Somewhere on planet earth there is a special someone just for you. God designed this person before the foundations of the world to be your lifetime mate.” This is the “one and only” theory, and suggests that out of the five billion human beings that inhabit planet earth, God prepared one – and only one – to be your spouse.

This theory appears harmless, but it can be downright dangerous for a couple who is trying hard to make their marriage work, but making little headway. They are frustrated, but they keep plodding along until they stumble upon the “one and only” theory. Suddenly a light bulb goes on. Here’s our problem. You’re not my one and only, and I’m not yours. This marriage will never work. We missed. God can’t bless this marriage, so why keep hitting our heads against brick walls? Let’s part ways and find our one and only. Their assumption is that if they find their one and onlys, marriage will be easy. They won’t have to make compromises, or work through conflicts, or negotiate family differences, or wrestle with temperament issues. It will be smooth sailing on the seas of wedded bliss … if only they find their one and onlys. Even those whose convictions will not let them part ways live with the burden of regret. I missed my one and only.
While the notion has been bantered around in Christian circles for years, we find little Biblical support for believing that God ordained every marital match before the foundation of the world. As in many other areas of Christian living, the Bible lays broad parameters for spouse selection. Within those parameters, individuals have the freedom to choose. In I Cor. 7:39 Paul says that a woman whose husband dies “is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” Certainly Paul would tell her - and us – to choose carefully: to go through the proper checklists, move slowly, pray for guidance and sober judgment, and seek wise counsel. But then we are free to use our brains, examine our hearts, and select the spouse we feel best suits us. If we choose wisely, under His guidance, God promises the grace, courage, wisdom, and power needed to build our marriages.

If some years later, we second-guess the wisdom of our choice, God says, “Don’t look backward. The decision has been made. Look forward. Face the challenges head on. I’ll walk with you as you build this marriage. If it gets rough, seek help from friends. If you get stuck, see a counselor. But don’t waste time wondering if you missed your one and only. As far as I am concerned, you are married to your one and only. So get on with the task of making your marriage flourish. Turn to Me with humble hearts, and I’ll help you. I’ll give you wisdom and creativity. I’ll teach you to compromise. I’ll fill you with courage. I’ll give you the strength to persevere.”

Hmm, maybe Patrick and Camille should read “Fit to be Tied.” Anyway, I highly recommend these books to you. Even though it’s based on the experiences of American women, Dobson’s book, whether you’re a wife or a husband, will help you understand better what it is like being a woman. As the book says, “Women have needs which men don’t understand.”

I may not agree with all the practices and theology of Bill Hybels, but “Fit To Be Tied” is one of the best books I have ever read on relationships and marriage. Whenever I have a female friend or student contemplating marriage, I would challenge her to read “Fit To Be Tied” especially that part on how a guy engages in “shifting gears” after the wedding. (My favorite chapters of this book are “Getting Lost Along the Way,” “Living in Crisis Mode,” and “Whatever Happened To Romance?”)

Dobson’s book may be a little bit difficult to find in our bookstores here, although Rita, one of my former Advanced Composition students in Bible school told me that Praise House in Panay Avenue, Quezon City, has a lot of Dobson’s books.

You can easily find “Fit To Be Tied” in National Bookstore branches, or in Christian bookstores. Here in Metro Manila, you can go to Back to the Bible Bookstore in West Avenue, QC; PCBS in Cubao in front of Farmers Plaza; and CGM in 13th Avenue, Cubao, near Ali Mall. I think the OMF Lit bookstore is no longer in Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong. Christian Literature Crusade, the company which reprinted “Fit To be Tied,” has a bookstore, I think, in Karuhatan, Valenzuela.

Procedures in adoption

Click the picture to download a free PDF
newsletter on this topic.

Please read the complete article on domestic and inter-country adoption rules and procedures in my Legal Updates blog.


Posted below are links to several articles by Sandra Glahn on the issues of infertility and adoption. Sandra knows from personal experience how difficult infertility can be; she endured a decade of infertility treatment that included multiple pregnancy losses, three failed adoptions, and an ectopic pregnancy. She quotes Alice Domar, Ph.D., director of the Mind/Body Center for Women’s Health in Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center at Harvard Medical School: “The depression and anxiety experienced by infertile women are equivalent to that in women suffering from a terminal illness.”

• Positive Adoption Language
• Infertility: Myths and Facts
• A Heart's Desire: Encouragement for Couples Facing Infertility
• Infertility Tries Patients' Patience
• Facing the No-Baby Blues