What a woman really wants

Max Lucado is one of my favorite writers; I have more than six of his books (the locally-reprinted editions which cost less than a hundred pesos each, not the originals which cost more than three hundred pesos each). I don’t remember from what book but Lucado said, “A man can spend a lifetime with a woman and yet never gaze into her soul.” Wow! This is the kind of writing and insight that makes women swoon and me to go out and eat some pizza ...

Any man you talk to has, at various times in his life, thrown his hands up and shaken his head, wondering what the woman in his life really wants from him. As someone (Sigmund Freud? John Donne?) said, “Every woman is a science.” In the early 1970’s, I had a National Science Development Board scholarship in UP Diliman. I barely passed Math 17 and failed Physics 41, Math 53 and Engineering Science I. Hmm, this must be the reason I don’t understand women …

Dr. James Dobson in his book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” (page 65) says on:

“Women yearn to be the special sweethearts of their men, being respected and appreciated and loved with tenderness. This is why a homemaker often thinks about her husband during the day and eagerly awaits his arrival home. It explains why their wedding anniversary is more important to her, and why he gets clobbered when he forgets. It explains why she is constantly ‘reaching’ for him when he is at home, trying to pull him out of the newspaper or television set; it explains why ‘Absence of Romantic Love in My Marriage’ ranked so high as a source of depression among women, whereas men would have rated it somewhere in the vicinity of last place.” (Living Books; copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc.)

John Eldredge, in his book “Wild At Heart, Discovering The Secret of a Man’s Soul” (page 182), says in a memorable, very poetic way what every woman wants:

“… the deep cry of a little girl’s heart is am I lovely? Every woman needs to know that she is exquisite and exotic and chosen. This is core to her identity, the way she bears the image of God. Will you pursue me? Do you delight in me? Will you fight for me?”

In the late 1990’s, I read through most of Dr. Larry Crabb’s books, namely, “Finding God”, “The Marriage Builder,” “Encouragement, The Key To Caring,” “Understanding People,” “Hope When You’re Hurting,” and “Men and Women, Enjoying the Difference.” Having come to know in recent years about nouthetic or Biblical counseling, I no longer agree with his “Christian psychology” viewpoints. Dr. Crabb, who visited the Philippines in 1994, is a great writer nevertheless. Posted below is an example of his excellent writing from the book “Men and Women, Enjoying the Difference”:

“A woman wants to know that the deepest parts of her being are richly enjoyed by a man who will therefore treat her with tenderness and look at her with delight, someone who will enjoy her because she is enjoyable, and not because of a manipulative desire that hopes to get from her what will bring pleasure to him.

“But women have learned to be skeptical. Every little girl has discovered that not everything wonderful about her will reliably be enjoyed. Some of who she is will at times be ignored, despised, demeaned or selfishly used. In a fallen world, she learns that offering all that she has to another runs the risk of rejection and abuse. And because she too is fallen and therefore committed to her own well-being with no thought of dependence upon God, she figures how to minimize the risks by hiding the tenderest parts of her soul and avoiding an honest look at her ugly parts.

“In order to survive in a world where people carelessly hurt her and use her for their own purposes, she learns to cover her delicate nature with a hard crust, a toughness that is always on alert for dangers. When she is by herself long enough to reflect on what she really wants, she becomes at least vaguely aware (sometimes acutely to the point of despair) of how nice it would be if someone were tough for her.

“Deep within her being, she longs for an advocate, not a tyrant who would control her life with strength, but an advocate whose strength on her behalf would free her to go off duty and to express more of who she really is. She longs for an advocate who would enjoy her and give her the hope that she could invite people into meaningful relationships with the confidence that there really was something about her that could be enjoyed.”

Miss, Ms, or Mrs: Why should a woman use her husband's surname?

In an article entitled “What’s Your Name?” published by The Institute on Religion and Public Life, University of Chicago professors Leon and Amy Kass (husband and wife!) explain in a very scholarly and closely reasoned manner why a married woman should use her husband’s surname. Among other things, they say:

The husband who gives his name to his bride in marriage is thus not just keeping his own; he is owning up to what it means to have been given a family and a family name by his own father - he is living out his destiny to be a father by saying yes to it in advance. And the wife does not so much surrender her name as she accepts the gift of his, given and received as a pledge of (among other things) loyal and responsible fatherhood for her children. A woman who refuses this gift is, whether she knows it or not, tacitly refusing the promised devotion or, worse, expressing her suspicions about her groom’s trustworthiness as a husband and prospective father.

Patrilineal surnames are, in truth, less a sign of paternal prerogative than of paternal duty and professed commitment, reinforced psychologically by gratifying the father’s vanity in the perpetuation of his name and by offering this nominal incentive to do his duty both to mother and child. Such human speech and naming enables the father explicitly to choose to become the parent-by-choice that he, more than the mother, must necessarily be.

Fathers who will not own up to their paternity, who will not “legitimize” their offspring, and who will not name themselves responsible for child-rearing by giving their children their name are, paradoxically, not real fathers at all, and their wives and especially their children suffer. The former stigmatization of bastardy was, in fact, meant to protect women and children from such irresponsible behavior of self-indulgent men (behavior probably naturally rooted in mammalian male psychosexual tendencies), men who would take their sexual pleasures and walk away from their consequences. The removal of the stigma, prompted by a humane concern not to penalize innocent children by calling them “illegitimate,” has, paradoxically but absolutely predictably, contributed mightily to an increase in such fatherless children.

The advantage a woman and her children gain from the commitment of the man to take responsibility and to stay the course - the commitment implied in his embracing the woman and her prospective children with his family name, now newly understood - is by itself sufficient reason why it is in a woman’s interest as a married-woman-and-mother-to-be to readily take the bridegroom’s name.

But there is a deeper reason why this makes sense. The change of the woman’s name, from family of origin to family of perpetuation, is the perfect emblem for the desired exogamy of human sexuality and generation. The woman in marriage not only expresses her humanity in love (as does the man); she also embraces the meaning of marriage by accepting the meaning of her womanly nature as generative. In shedding the name of her family of origin, she tacitly affirms that children of her womb can be legitimated only exogamously. Her children will not bear the same name as-will not "belong to"-her father; moreover, her new name allows also her father to recognize formally the mature woman his daughter has become. Whereas the man needs convention to make up-by expansion-for his natural deficiency, the woman needs convention to humanize-by restriction-the result of her natural prowess. By anticipating necessity and by thus choosing to accept the gift of her husband’s name, the woman affirms the meaning of her own humanity by saying yes to customizing her given nature.

(emphasis by boldfacing supplied)

The Biblical view on a wife’s use of her husband’s surname

The Biblical concept of marriage is found in the Old Testament book of Genesis, chapter 2, verses 20 to 25. Please take note especially of verse 24:

20. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
21. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
22. And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
23. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
24. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
25. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Ephesians 5:21 up to 33 outline the rights and obligations of husbands and wives:

21. Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
22. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26. That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27. That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.32. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

I Peter 3: 1-12 also state the rights and duties of husbands and wives toward each other:

1. Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2. While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4. But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6. Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
7. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
8. Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:
9. Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.
10. For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
11. Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
12. For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.

A wife expresses her Biblical submission by using her husband’s surname

In the area of relationships and marriage, there cannot be a more explosive and divisive issue than that of the headship of men and the submission of women. Sometime in the late 1990’s, I think, the Southern Baptist Convention issued an official statement asking women to “graciously submit” to their husbands. Needless to say, that statement was greeted with controversy, scorn and ridicule from different sectors and even from within the Convention itself. Feminist groups have been saying all these time that the Biblical injunction for women to submit to their husbands is an open invitation for spousal abuse.

If you want a thorough discussion of the Biblical doctrines of the headship of men and the submission of women, I recommend the following books to you:

[1] “Strike the Original Match” by Chuck Swindoll; Multnomah Press © 1980; specifically the chapters entitled “Let’s Repair the Foundation” and “Bricks that Build a Marriage.”

[2] “The Grace Awakening” also by Chuck Swindoll; Word Publishing, ©1996; specifically the chapter entitled “A Marriage Oiled by Grace”

[3] “Together Forever” by Anne Kristin Caroll; Zondervan, © 1982 by Barbara J. Denis); specifically the chapter entitled “Who Wears the Pants?”

[4] “Rocking the Roles” by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks; NavPress, ©1991; specifically the chapters entitled “The ‘S’ Word” and “The Masculine Counterpart to the ‘S’ Word.”

“Being a spiritually submissive wife doesn’t mean being a doormat”

In the New Testament, whenever husband and wife Aquila and Priscilla were mentioned after Acts 18:2 (five times in all), Priscilla was always mentioned first. Bible scholars say that it was probably because Priscilla had the higher social standing, or had the stronger personality and thus was more well-known than her husband.

I have previously written about the headship of men and the submission of women, and you might want to re-read it. Part of that article reads as follows:

Lewis and Hendricks, while maintaining the traditional view of the headship of men and the submission of women, clarify however that submission is not a wife’s role. Rather, they say, submission is the wife’s loving response to her husband’s loving and sacrificial headship.

“Roles” and ‘responses” may sound like only semantics to you, but I encourage you to read “Rocking the Roles.” The most striking statement in this book about submission is found in page 135: “A biblically submissive wife’s focus is not on enabling wrong behavior, but in empowering her husband to pursue right behavior – to become the man God wants him to be, and the leader God wants him to be.”

I remember something Dr. James Dobson wrote in his classic book (highly recommended!) “Love Must Be Tough” about submission. Dobson said, “Being a spiritually submissive wife doesn’t mean being a doormat.”

Caroll, who writes her book out of the crucible of the pain of her divorce (and remarriage to the same guy) says on page 126, “Submission is freedom.”

During the wedding reception of a Filipino missionary couple bound for a Creative Access Nation, the groom wished out loud that his wife would submit to him. That brought about a lot of laughter among the guests. Well, Sir, please do keep in mind Lewis and Hendricks’ definition of submission and I’m sure your marriage will turn out okay. What’s their definition again? “A biblically submissive wife’s focus is not on enabling wrong behavior, but in empowering her husband to pursue right behavior – to become the man God wants him to be, and the leader God wants him to be.”

Parenting Our Kids: a parenting model

This fast paced training video-seminar on parenting kids is an abbreviated version of a larger workshop on parenting from Counseling Solutions. It is based on Ephesians 6:4 as well as four poor parenting models and how they adversely impact our kids.

Top 10 family and relationship articles of 2009, from Crosswalk.com (compiled by Sarah Jennings)

What are men really thinking? Should my child read the Twilight series? How can someone who seemed as wholesome as Tiger Woods do so much harm to his marriage? 2009 proved to be an eventful year for family life, and Crosswalk readers sought Christ-centered answers to their most perplexing relationship questions. Here are the top 10 most-read family and relationship articles of 2009:

1. Sex and the Christian Marriage by Betsy St. Amant
   
2. Women: Discover What Men are Really Thinking by Whitney Hopler
   
3. 12 Traits of an Abusive Relationship by Laura Pethebridge
   
4. He-Said, She-Said: Showing Interest without Causing Lust by Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle
   
5. The Tiger (Woods) in You by Paul Edwards
   
6. Taking on Twilight by Wendy Lee Nentwig
   
7. He-Said, She-Said: Unmarried and Vacationing Together by Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle
   
8. Does God Expect Me to Stay Married to a Jerk? by S. Michael Craven
   
9. 5 Ways to be the Husband God Wants You to Be by Stormie Omartian
   
10. The Difference Between Men’s and Women’s Brains by Whitney Hopler

Remember a missionary this Christmas

Missionary Christmas

Christmas was special when he was a child,
food and presents and carols and smiles.

Tree decorating was great family fun,
and cold nights by the fire watching old reruns.

But then one day God spoke to his heart,
and he gave up his culture to make a new start.

Now taking the Gospel to far off lands,
his Christmas is different than what he had planned.

The weather is sticky, with stench in the air,
the needs that surround him are terrible to bear.

Instead of carols and Christmas bells,
he hears chanting and the casting of spells.

The childhood dream of Christmas in the snow,
was left at the altar when he decided to go.

If only the ones who he left behind,
would remember his face during this special time.

And send him a note, or a word of thanks
or maybe even something he could put in the bank.

Then Christmas would not be so tough this year
and even for the missionary it would “good cheer.”

©Wayne Dillard 2004
www.prayercentral.net

“What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men” (Marlowe and Raleigh, Dobson and Morley)

Lovers of classic world literature among you probably are familiar with Christopher Marlowe’s poem “The Passionate Shepherd to His Love” (published in 1599, six years after his death). Marlowe was a controversial figure alleged to have been a secret agent of the English crown; he was killed in a knife duel. He was played by Rupert Everett in the 1998 blockbuster movie “Shakespeare in Love” starring Joseph Fiennes and Gwyneth Paltrow. As you may know, Sir Walter Raleigh (a poet and a privateer) wrote “The Nymph’s Reply to the Shepherd” as his answer to Marlowe.

I always discuss these poems by Marlowe and Raleigh in my Literature class at the Asia Baptist Bible College. Hey, what can I say? I am a sucker for sappy, centuries-old love poems!

Dr. James Dobson’s book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women”

Well, seven or eight years ago, I read through Dobson’s book (copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc; published by Living Books). The book is a worldwide bestseller, having sold more than two million copies, and the words on the frontispiece really get your attention – “Women have needs men don’t understand.” You can read portions of the book from Amazon. In this book, Dobson enumerates and discusses the top ten problems women face:

1. Low self-esteem
2. Fatigue and time pressure
3. Loneliness, isolation, and boredom and absence of romantic love in marriage
4. Financial difficulties
5. Sexual problems in marriage
6. Menstrual and physiological problems
7. Problems with the children
8. Problems with in-laws
9. Aging

Number 3 in the enumeration above is actually a combination of two related problems – absence of romantic love leading to loneliness, isolation and boredom. While Dobson wrote this book 31 years ago from a survey of American women, I would dare say that his findings and discussions still hold true today not only for Americans but also for Filipino women. (The book is available locally in Christian bookstores like OMF Lit, PCBS, etc. )

Patrick Morley’s free book “What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men”

Well, Morley has written a book titled “What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men” (new title Understanding Your Man in the Mirror). I do not know if Morley intended to answer Dobson’s book (just like Raleigh did with Marlowe) but the book is available as a free download. Morley discusses the issues that husbands struggle with. These are:

1. Significance - What Is It That Your Husband Wants?
2. Obstacles - What’s Troubling Your Husband?
3. Pressure - Understanding the Pressure Your Husband Feels
4. Work - Why Men Are Preoccupied with Work
5. Temptations - The Six Persistent Temptations Men Struggle With
6. Companionship - What a Husband Needs from His Wife
7. Physical Intimacy - What Else a Man Needs from His Wife
8. Communication - What Men Want to Express but Find Difficult
9. Resolving Conflict - Help Around the House and Other Sore Spots
10. Appearance - Why a Man Wants His Wife to Look Good
11. Fathering - Your Husband’s Changing View of Being a Dad
12. Hard Years - Living with a Difficult Husband
13. Perspective - Why Your Husband May Not Be As Bad As You Think
14. Golden Years - Preparing for Winter

I haven’t found time to read Morley’s book but chapter 10 (“Appearance - Why a Man Wants His Wife to Look Good”) looks very good ...

About Patrick Morley and his “Man in the Mirror” ministry

After spending the first part of his career in the highly competitive world of real estate development, Patrick has been used throughout the world to help men think more deeply about their lives.

In 1973 Patrick founded Morley Properties, which, for several years, was hailed as one of Florida's 100 largest privately held companies. During this time he was the president or managing partner of 59 companies and partnerships.

In 1989 he wrote The Man in the Mirror, a landmark book that poured from his own search for meaning, purpose, and a deeper relationship with God. With over 3,000,000 copies, this best-selling book has captured the imaginations of hundreds of thousands of men worldwide, and was selected as one of the 100 most influential Christian books of the twentieth century. Five of his 16 books have received critical acclaim.

In 1991, Patrick founded Man in the Mirror which has impacted the lives of 10,000,000 men worldwide, has distributed 8,000,000 books, and last year worked with over 40,000 church leaders to more effectively disciple men. Through his speaking and writing he is a tireless advocate for men, encouraging and inspiring them to change their lives in Christ. Every Friday morning since 1986, Patrick teaches a Bible study to 150 businessmen in Orlando, Florida which is podcast through iTunes and webcast throughout the United States and over 50 countries. He has written over 450 articles to help men and leaders, has appeared on several hundred of radio and television programs, and speaks to men daily through The Man in the Mirror radio program carried on 75 stations nationwide.

Patrick Morley graduated with honors from the University of Central Florida, which selected him to receive its Distinguished Alumnus Award in 1984. He has earned a Ph.D. in Management and completed post-graduate studies at the Harvard Business School and Oxford University, and graduated from Reformed Theological Seminary. For sport he races a 1974 Porsche 911. He lives in Winter Park, FL with his wife, Patsy. They have two grown children and two granddaughters.

Through the distance ...

“And Mizpah; for he said, The LORD watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another.” (Gen 31:49)

“Is the Lord going to use in a great way? Quite probably. Is He going to prepare you as you expect? Probably not. And if you’re not careful, you will look at the trials, the tests, the sudden interruptions, the disappointments, the sadness, the lost jobs, the failed opportunities, the broken moments, and you will think, He’s through with me, He’s finished with me, when in fact, He is equipping you.”

(The Mystery of God’s Will, by Chuck Swindoll)