Charlie Brown, Soren Kierkaagard, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, Jim Elliot, Peter Marshall, and zoe ...

Sometime in the middle 1970’s, I came across the books entitled “The Parable According to Peanuts” and “More Parables According To Peanuts.” I don’t remember now who the author was, but the book’s thesis was that the Charles Schultz’s cartoon strip “Peanuts” was essentially Christian in worldview. Wow, Charlie Brown, Lucy, Snoopy, Linus, etc as theologians! I had a great time reading those books, first because I identified a lot with Charlie Brown, and second I got introduced to the thoughts of theologians and philosophers like Karl Barth and Soren Kierkaagard which the book often referred to. (I remember reading about Kierkaagard’s views at that same time from Francis Schaeffer’s book “The God Who Is There.”)

I don’t have those books anymore with me. Best that I could remember, I lent the books to a college friend named Al (he eventually went to and graduated from Raffles University in Singapore and has been working there as a journalist since the 1980’s). I don’t remember him ever returning those books. Hmm, maybe I’d better e-mail him about returning those books …

Anyway, one particular Peanuts cartoon strip from those books showed Charlie Brown walking sadly on the windblown baseball grounds as the school year ended. Charlie Brown was thinking, “I hate it when schooldays are over. There’s a dreariness in the air that depresses me.” That was when Lucy (as usual) gets into the scene and jolts Charlie Brown back into reality.

In the 1990’s, when I was editing the yearbooks of Rizal High School, I wrote a short piece based on that particular Peanuts cartoon strip, beginning it with Charlie Brown’s thoughts. I used the piece in special sections of the yearbooks, and it captured for a lot of our students their mixed emotions as they approached graduation day. The piece goes like this:

I hate it when schooldays are over. There’s a dreariness in the air that depresses me. Even the rooms that once were filled with laughter are now empty and bare, the fine dust gathering on the wooden chairs, the windows shutting out the light from the dying sun.

Outside the once green grass now turns to deep brown in the parched ground, the trees bare of any leaves, their twisted black branches reaching upwards toward the sky in vain supplication for a little rain. The wind blows and creates swirling clouds of dust that sweep the school grounds and the empty hallways that once echoed the sounds of hurrying feet and young, excited voices.

School days are over, summer is here.

We’ve said our final goodbyes to our dear friends a thousand times, not really wanting each goodbye to be the last and final sad farewell. We cling to our friends, we hold hands tightly as we walk around the school one final time; we visit the rooms that were once our safe and secure refuge from the harshness of life.

We go through the paces of graduation practices, and laugh at the silly mistakes we make. But deep inside us, we feel a cold hand clutching our hearts, knowing that each day brings us closer to the moment when separation from our dear friends becomes inevitable, a moment steeped in profound sadness and absolute finality.

We close our eyes and hope that time can stand still; we will hold this day like a precious diamond in our hands, hold it up and reflect upon its exquisite beauty. If only time can stand still, we will forever be happy, together …

ALL ETERNITY FROZEN IN A SINGLE MOMENT OF YOUTH.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross became famous with her study on death and dying, with the stages that a person who knows he or she is terminally ill (or undergoing deep personal sorrow) oftentimes goes through – anger, denial, bargaining and acceptance. Kubler-Ross discovered that a dying person oftentimes focuses not on his or her academic achievements, career highlights, professional pinnacles, but on snatches of childhood memories, stories of friendships from long ago, and on events that may have seemed insignificant at the time but which impending death and reflection have now given a new perspective. A dying person oftentimes thinks about places that hold special memories (the house in the province, the old high school), childhood friends, falling in love for the first time …

(Talking about love, I first fell in love when I was a Grade 4 student. I can still remember her long black hair, her languid eyes, her beautiful name ... Elaine Rose. Or was it simply Rose? Or only Elaine? Or was Rose my Grade 6 classmate, Elaine my Grade 5 seatmate? Sadly, I don’t remember now ... Ah, young love!)

“All eternity frozen in a single moment of youth …”

Theologians tell us that “zoe” is the Greek word for “eternal life” or “eternity.” One pastor, teaching on eternal life, was innocently asked by a grade school student, “Pastor, do you mean to say that I will forever be a Grade 5 student?” The pastor then explained that “zoe” does not refer only to an endless period of time but also to the distinct quality of life for that endless period of time.

When I was a first year student in high school, I had a classmate named Felino who was a math genius. One time, as we were on the top level of the grandstand, gazing at the Marikina River flowing lazily behind the school, Felino said that when his time to die came, he wanted to be cremated and his ashes scattered all over the river. That he said, was his idea of eternal life.

I think it was martyred missionary Jim Elliot who said, “When it’s your time to die, make sure that all you have to do is die.” What he says, I think, is not to leave any loose ends in your life - no words of love, affirmation or encouragement left unsaid; no hurts and heartaches inflicted by other people left unforgiven; none of your own sins and offenses against other people left unconfessed …

Famous American preacher Peter Marshall (former chaplain of the US Senate) once said, "Death isn't a wall, it's a door." The Apostle Paul clarifies in I Corinthians 15:51-58 that death comes to us all and then eternity begins:

Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,
In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.

For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality.

So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is thy sting?

O grave, where is thy victory?

The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.

But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

Priceless counsel from a bargain sale book

“How to save your marriage alone”

It must be a conspiracy of sorts.

Everywhere I go (malls, bookstores, etc) there seem to be stockpiles of books on sale. With the low prices, the good condition of the books, and a great variety to choose from, I have been enticed to buy several books since last week. I bought a hard bound edition of “Fit To Be Tied” by Bill and Lynne Hybels at only one hundred fifty pesos. This is a bargain since the locally printed paperback edition costs around one hundred eighty pesos. I also got a mint quality Debra Evans book for only two hundred pesos.

The best bargain I’ve been able to get is the paperback “How to save your marriage alone” by Dr. Ed Wheat which I bought for only NINE pesos! This book (copyright 1983 by Zondervan Books; published by Pyranee Books) actually comes from two chapters of Dr. Wheat’s classic book “Love Life For Every Married Couple” (copyright 1980 by Dr. Ed Wheat, M.D.) “Love Life” reprinted locally by Christian Literature Crusade, has sold more than 900,000 copies world wide.

(I don’t know why bookstores or mall outlets for these bargain books stock the books on marriage and relationships on the shelves reserved for “Trade Books.” Hmm, let me see – marriage is a trade? husbands and wives are traders? I’m confused …)

In a previous article, I mentioned B-E-S-T, Dr. Wheat’s acronym for a superb marriage. It stands for B- blessing; E – edification; S – sharing; and T – touching. This slimmed down edition of “Love Life” doesn’t contain Wheat’s discussion of B-E-S-T but is meant, in Wheat’s words, to help spouses whose marriages are in crisis to “clarify their thoughts, stabilize their emotions, and learn to behave in a consistent, purposeful way that will save the marriage and bring a new dimension of love into the relationship.”

Wheat quotes marriage counselor Anne Kristin Carroll as saying that ruptured relationships and torn marriages can be brought back to life and vitality even if only one spouse is committed to saving the marriage. Carroll speaks from experience – she was married at 18, divorced at 21, and by God’s grace, years later, she was reunited and remarried to her estranged husband.

Dr. Wheat enumerates the ways in preparing to make a purposeful effort in saving the marriage:

1. Prepare for the worst, knowing you have a sufficiency of grace.

2. Prepare to be “perfect” knowing you have a sufficiency of grace.

(a) Consistently do everything you can to please your spouse and meet his or her needs and desires.

(b) Consistently show your mate the respect and honor commanded in Scripture whether your mate personally merits it or not.

(c)Totally avoid criticism of your mate.

3. Prepare to be rejected knowing you have a sufficiency of grace.

Dr. Wheat then cites the Old Testament story of Hosea and his adulterous wife Gomer to support his ideas that a man or a woman, ALONE, can create the conditions that will save the marriage.

(I’ve never heard a Filipino or an American pastor preach at length from the Book of Hosea. Bible scholars are divided on the issue of whether to take Hosea and Gomer’s story literally or as an allegorical story of God’s passionate and persistent love for His unfaithful people, the nation of Israel. Those who say that the Book of Hosea is allegorical and not literal say that God’s command for Hosea to marry an adulterous woman violates His holiness.

On the other hand, there are Bible scholars who say that Hosea and Gomer’s story is presented in such a simple narrative that it should be taken literally. The middle ground may be held by those scholars who say that God’s command for Hosea to marry adulterous Gomer should be taken “proleptically” that is, looking towards the future. This view, holding a literal interpretation of Hosea, says that Gomer was chaste at the beginning of the marriage but later on became immoral.)

Consistent with his concepts, Dr. Wheat says that even in cases of a spouse engaged in an adulterous affair, the innocent spouse should let the affair go on for the time being. He urges men and women “to avoid separation no matter how serious their problems are” (with the exception being cases of physical violence). Wheat says that as the innocent spouse exhibits consistent love and grace, the offending spouse will soon realize the errors, futility and consequences of the adulterous affair.

I hope that I have been able to give you a clear overview of Wheat’s concepts which he says have helped restore thousands of marriages. His concepts may help your own marriage. If you want to read more about his concepts, “Love Life” is available at Christian bookstores and at National Bookstore branches.

Dr. Wheat is just one voice in the spectrum of Christian counselors. Dr. James Dobson (“Love Must Be Tough”) and David Clarke, Ph.D (“What to do when your spouse says, I don’t love you anymore”) espouse views that are radically different from those of Wheat. The differences can readily be seen in Dobson and Clarke’s tough love, bring down the hammer approach in dealing with adulterous affairs. Compared with Dobson and Clarke’s views, Dr. Wheat’s views seem to be totally wimpy.

For example, as you have seen above, Wheat says that the innocent spouse should exhibit love and grace towards the offending spouse, and strive to meet that mate’s needs and desires (even for sexual relations). Clarke in his book won’t have any truck with this kind of advice. Clarke advocates that, in case the offending spouse comes back, there should not be any sexual relations for several months until it has been medically established that such spouse is free from any sexually transmitted disease (STD) he/she may have picked up from the adulterous partner.

Well, well, well, books on sale, saving your marriage alone and conflicting views from esteemed Christian counselors. I just found out that the 27th Manila International Book Fair will be held on August 30 to September 3, 2006 at the World Trade Center in Buendia corner D. Macapagal Blvd. in Pasay City. Hundreds of book publishers and stores, authors, printers, etc will be exhibiting their wares, with bargain books, great discounts on all items and freebies. It really must be a conspiracy!

Mediation not allowed in domestic violence cases (with apologies to Pia Guanio)

Several days ago, I was watching Channel 7’s “24 Oras” early evening news program when Pia Guanio, the entertainment segment host, reported an item about Hollywood actor Lou Diamond Phillips. As reported, Phillips was arrested by Los Angeles police for verbally and physically abusing his live-in girlfriend. Phillips, who’s got Filipino ancestry, was released by the police several hours later on his own recognizance.

What got my attention was Pia’s last statement in her news report. I stand to be corrected but I heard Pia say, “Pansamantalang pinakawalan si Phillips upang masubukan niya at ng kanyang ka-live in ang MEDITATION.” In English, that translates into, “Phillips was released by the police so that he and his live-in partner can try MEDITATION.”

Either Pia Guanio (a beautiful and smart woman desperately in need of a fashion make-over) misread the teleprompter, or the news editors of Channel 7 were really at fault. You see, the word Pia should have used instead of MEDITATION was MEDIATION. For a brief moment, I had visions of Lou Diamond Phillips and his live-in partner doing some Transcendental Meditation in order to solve their relationship problems. Om! Om! Sorry, Pia!

Levity aside, I have written several articles on RA 9262, our country’s landmark law on violence against women. If you’d like to review these articles, here are the links:

Hope and help for the battered woman (5): Biblical response to abuse; evangelical Christians are best husbands – University of Virginia study

Hope and help for the battered woman (4): Emotional abuse/psychological violence

Hope and help for the battered woman (3): RA 9262 Protection Orders

Hope and help for the battered woman (2): RA 9262 essential provisions

Hope and help for the battered woman (1): Statistics on domestic violence

What is mediation?

Mediation is a method of “Alternative Dispute Resolution” and under the Supreme Court guidelines, it is mandatory for all civil cases and some criminal offenses (like BP 22 or bouncing checks). The court orders the litigants to undergo mediation proceedings before a Supreme Court-trained mediator, for a period of 30 days. Mediation is informal and the mediator tries to get the parties to settle the case amicably, on a win-win scenario for all the parties involved. If the mediation fails, then the case is referred back to court for continuation of trial. But experience has shown that mediation works well with a high percentage of cases amicably settled.

Labor dispute cases in the National Labor Relations Commission (NLRC) now also undergo mandatory conciliation/mediation proceedings. Of course, most of you are familiar with the mediation proceedings at the barangay level, as provided for by the Local Government Code of 1991.

RA 9262 cases expressly exempted from mediation (by barangay officials, police officers, social workers and even judges)

It appears from Pia’s report and the Internet resources I checked that California and some other places in the USA do allow meditation, I mean, mediation proceedings even in domestic violence cases. However, here in the Philippines, RA 9262, its Implementing Rules and Regulations and the Supreme Court Rule for RA 9262, all prohibit mediation of cases involving violence against women. You might ask, if mediation has been proven to work well, then why is it prohibited in RA 9262 cases?

Please surf over to my Legal Updates blog for the answer.

“Can you read my mind?”

Starting this week, I will be teaching Literature to 2nd year students of the Asia Baptist Bible College (a ministry of the Sta. Mesa Baptist Bible Church under Rev. Joseph Boyd Lyons). For the past several years, I have spent the first week or two of this one month long subject reading and discussing poetry (Shakespeare, John Milton, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Emily Dickinson, Omar Khayyam, etc). This year, I will be introducing my students to the works of Kahlil Gibran.

A consistent favorite among my students is the Philippines’ very own “Beyond Forgetting” written by Rolando Carbonell. As part of the graded activities, I require my students to recite “Beyond Forgetting” from memory. With some background music by guitar or piano, the students’ recitation of the poem can sometimes be, well, beyond forgetting …

Carbonell (who has seven earned doctorates!) wrote this love poem and several others for his wife in the 1960’s, if I’m not mistaken. I remember reading this collection of poems when I was an AB English student in Philippine Christian University in the late 70’s.

You might be wondering why I am talking about love poems in a blog that focuses on more practical issues in relationships, marriage and the family. Well, the persona in Carbonell’s poem, near the end of the poem, says, to wit,

You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference. But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart. For how could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone? But perhaps you didn’t understand.

“Silence is the language of my heart …” It’s great poetry, brimming over with passion that makes women swoon, but such sentiment about “silence speaking a more eloquent tone” is the stuff that breaks marriages apart. Or as someone has wisely put it, “More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence.”

Most experts in relationships and marriage will tell you that “communication is the key to your marriage.” In fact, there is a best-selling book by H. Norman Wright with these words as the title. Willard Harley Jr. in his classic book “His Needs, Her Needs” says that a man should spend at least 15 hours a week talking to his wife or girlfriend. Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The Five Love Languages” says that “Words of Affirmation” is a language that a lot of people speak. It is not silence, however eloquent it may be, but words of affirmation that bring vitality to a relationship.

Dr. James Dobson, in his classic, best-selling book “Love Must Be Tough” (copyright 1983, 1996 by Word Incorporated; published 1999 in the Philippines by OMF Literature) however has a different take on the lack of communication between spouses. He says on page 26, to wit,

The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way one spouse begins to perceive the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped. That’s the key word, trapped.

But the fact is, during the intense, passion-filled days before marriage, a man and a woman can hardly keep themselves apart, talking, whispering, sharing secrets, plans, hopes, wishes and dreams. So what happens after marriage? The man retreats to reading his newspaper or watching the news on TV, while the woman tends the kids, watching the telenovelas by herself. So what happened? Too many wives and husbands have been hearing nothing from their spouses except (for what Simon and Garfunkel said in their 1960’s hit song) the sounds of silence.

In the 1970’s the late Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder starred in a Superman movie that produced a hit song entitled, if I’m not mistaken, “Can you read my mind?” A common mistake that a lot of women make (okay, okay, some men also make this mistake) is assuming that their boyfriends or husbands can read their minds.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his website www.loveandrespect.com has a video clip where he narrates the story of a man and woman talking about where to celebrate their 5th wedding anniversary. It’s a very funny clip, but it shows how wives can sometimes leave their husbands hanging in mid-air, not knowing what women really want. And all because women have this persistent notion that if their boyfriends or husbands are really in touch with women’s emotions, they would be able to read their minds and know what they want.

Lest you think that I am just being chauvinistic, let me cite two authors (female, mind you) who encourage women to say directly to their husbands what they really want. These are Gaye Wheat, co-writer of the book “Intended for Pleasure” (copyright 1977 by Fleming H. Revel, 1981, 1997 by Ed and Gaye Wheat; published in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade and available in National Bookstore branches), and Dr. Laura Schlessinger (more popularly known in the US simply as Dr. Laura).

Gaye Wheat, in pages 153 and 154 of “Intended for Pleasure”, says:

It is amazing how silent we women are on something as important as the sex act in marriage. We wish in silence or we suffer in silence or we hope that this time he will be different, that this time he will think of doing that which we long for him to do. Why not just tell him?

While Gaye Wheat makes this wise observation in the context of a wife’s sexual relationship with her husband, such advice for a wife to speak up and say what she wants can be translated into other areas of marriage.

Dr. Laura has written a book entitled “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Probe Ministries, through Sue Bohlin, has a review of Dr. Laura’s book which you might want to check out. Dr. Laura says that women should realize that men need direct communication from their wives. Among other things, Dr. Laura says,

Men make terrible mind readers, so be direct. Dropping subtle hints doesn’t work with most men, and it doesn’t mean a man is insensitive, uncaring or oblivious.

The bottom line? Men cannot read their wives’ minds and neither should wives expect their husbands to be able to do so. It may be a lot less romantic for a woman to engage in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband, rather than dropping subtle hints here and there. But she will save herself a lot of heartaches and frustrations if she, as Gaye Wheat and Dr. Laura both say, engages in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband.

(I’m sure a lot of you are now reaching out for your Bible and searching for Proverbs 27:5 which says, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.” Hebrew poetry is marked by parallelism, by the use of antithesis and synthesis. Most preachers have interpreted Proverbs 27:5 as an antithesis, but that’s wrong. The verse should be read together with Proverbs 28:234, Psalms 141:5 and Galatians 4:16, and should be interpreted as a synthesis. That is, if you love somebody, you should be brave enough, willing enough to confront that person about his errors and sins.)

Anyway, I’m looking forward to hearing my Literature students recite “Beyond Forgetting.” With some background music by guitar or piano, I’m sure the students’ recitation of this poem will be, well, beyond forgetting …

Boys and girls, men and women (1)

Do wives really want husbands to share their feelings and thoughts with them?

Girls play with dolls, boys play with guns.

Since I grew up with five sisters older than me, I played with dolls (the paper kind where you had to color the dolls and their various clothes and accessories, cut them out and mix and match them all). My sisters and I also played with miniature plastic spoons, forks, cups and plates, cakes made of mud, setting up an imaginary house for an imaginary family.

But since I also grew up in a compound where the next door kids were almost all boys, I played with guns, or more accurately, with rubber bands and paper bullets that we used in waging war against the boys in a nearby house. My fellow boys and I imagined ourselves as knights in shining armor, while we were dressed in jackets and helmets that we borrowed from the older guys in the compound who had graduated into the more manly sports of go-karting, scooter racing, and girl chasing. I remember one time when we opened the old, rusty side gate of the compound, and we charged down the road, shooting our paper bullets against the next door boys who had barricaded the street with large boxes.

I passed by that old compound a few weeks ago, traveling on an FX taxi from Stop and Shop, Sta. Mesa, Manila on my way to Pasig. The ancestral house had been torn down in order to give way to a proposed townhouse project. And the boys of my childhood years? Some are still there, some have moved away to distant countries. Most have gotten married and established families where their sons and daughters are now the ones playing with guns and dolls. Still others have gone through tough times in their lives and relationships.

How women measure the quality of a marriage

Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, in reviewing the work of W. Bradford Wilcox (please see the July 2, 2006 post), states:

Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.

Emotional connection is achieved through conversation and the sharing of feelings, thoughts, ideas and plans between a man and a woman. I remember one sermon by Ptr. Chuck Swindoll in his “Insight for Living” radio program where he mentioned that women love it when men show emotional vulnerability, some cracks in their armor.

Most women would say that their number one problem is trying to make their boyfriend or husband open up and share things with them. When it comes to this issue of emotional connection and sharing, most of the time men come out looking like they are more to be blamed than women. As the title of a David Clarke book puts it, “Men are clams, Women are crowbars.” Women, it seems, are perennially trying, cajoling, pleading, pressuring, nagging their men to open up and share their feelings.

There may be some truth in this. In pages 64 to 67 of their book  “Relationships” (copyright 1998; Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade and available at National Bookstore branches), Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot state some of the differences between men and women:

1. Men are not as in touch with their emotions as women are.

2. Men are more independent than women are.

3. Men are more abstract than women are.

4. Women focus on the here-and-now more than men do.

5. Women are not as competitive as men are.

As you can see from the list above, men do have problems with expressing their emotions. If you want to read more about the works of Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot, their website is www.realrelationships.com.

H. Norman Wright, in his marriage manual “How to speak your spouse’s language” makes the following observations on the differences between men and women:

1. A man has to think about his feelings, analyze them and collect what few words he has in his emotional vocabulary in order to express them.

2. Men need to think about their feelings first in order to express them. Women can feel, talk and think at the same time.

3. The connection between the left and right hemispheres of a woman’s brains is a superhighway with 40% more nerve connectors than a man’s brains. This explains why girls pick up language skills earlier than boys. Because of this difference, men are single-minded and focused, while women are multi-tasking.

(In our terms, the connection between the hemispheres of a woman’s brain is a superhighway, an NLEX or SLEX, while that of a man is a crowded eskinita.)

Thus we can see that a man’s inability or reticence to share his emotions with his girlfriend or wife, to a large extent, may be due to brain differences, family upbringing and cultural values. But there also may be some reasons or factors for this inability or reticence where the blame (if I can use this word) totally lies with the woman. Uh oh, I am treading on sensitive matters here. But please let me explain …

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has written a best-selling book entitled “Love and Respect” (copyright 2004; Integrity Publishers Inc; published in the Philippines by Church Strengthening Ministry Inc and available at National Bookstore branches). I love this book and I respect Dr.Eggerichs' views and insights. He states in page 256:

As a rule, a wife wants more emotional intimacy only on subjects that increase feelings of love between her and her husband. When the husband shares any kind of “dark side” struggles, let’s say with sexual temptation, she grows uncomfortable, or even hurt and angry. She may instruct him to be silent and to change. In other words, be like a woman: “We don’t lust for men’s bodies, so don’t you lust for women’s.”

It is quite all right for her to share her struggles with body image, weight control, fears, and worries. The husband is to listen and empathize with her on these subjects. She feels so much better afterward because, in her mind, this increases feelings of love between them. The problem, of course, is that he doesn’t struggle with body image, weight control, fears, and worries as she does. He has different struggles. Because his wife does not have those same challenges, however, his male concerns usually don’t count when it comes to emotional intimacy.

So the husband clams up, especially after being scolded. This, then, contributes to the wife’s conclusion that he cannot be emotionally intimate. In actuality, she has told him not to be open. She has a high standard of what emotional intimacy is, but it must entail energizing the love between them and releasing her burdens. If he communicates something that isn’t energizing and it creates a burden for her (i.e., sexual temptations he may have when he sees attractive women), he is out of line.

So, tell me, what’s a guy to do? He responds to his wife’s insistent requests to open up and share his emotions, thoughts, ideas and struggles. But when does, he gets shot down in mid-flight and told to be quiet and say no more about it. Why? Because as Dr. Eggerichs says, “As a rule, a wife wants more emotional intimacy only on subjects that increase feelings of love between her and her husband.”

Secular psychologist John Gray in his book “Mars and Venus, Together Forever” (copyright 1994, 1996; first published in the United Kingdom in 1996 by Vermillion, an imprint of Ebury Press; available at National Bookstore branches), pages 199-201, in talking about “emotional role reversal” makes some very interesting observations about how women sometimes feel when boyfriends or husbands do open up emotionally. Among other things, Gray says:

1. When a man shares how upset he feels when she talks about her feelings, sometimes a woman reacts by feeling, “I didn’t realize he was so sensitive. Now I have to be careful all the time. I don’t feel safe saying anything to him.”

2. When a man shares openly about all his problems in response to her talking about hers, she reacts by feeling, “He has enough problems. I don’t want to burden him with mine. He is just too needy.”

3. When a man shares his deep feelings of insecurity and his need to be loved, she reacts by feeling, “I care about his emotions but I feel like I can’t be me around him.”

4. When a man shares his hurt feelings and cries more than she does, she reacts by feeling, “I am embarrassed by this, but when he cries all the time, I can respect his feelings but I lose all my romantic feelings for him.”

So, tell me, what’s a guy to do? Do wives really want their husbands to share their thoughts and feelings, problems and struggles with them, or not? Maybe your boyfriend or husband has tried to open up to you in the past but since you shut him down in mid-sentence as it were, he no longer feels safe in sharing his unique set of needs, fear and struggles with you.

The portion I quoted above from Dr. Eggerichs’ book (his website is www.loveandrespect.com) comes from his chapter discussing a man’s sexuality, his desire for sexual intimacy with his wife, and his struggles with sexual temptations because of his visual orientation. In pages 257 and 258, Dr. Eggerichs wisely counsels wives:

If your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have. When you shame him, punish him, or deprive him, he feels dishonored for who he is. If your husband feels that you do not respect his struggle, his desire for you, and his maleness, he’ll pull back from you. But he needs you; you knew that before marriage. As you recognize his need and seek to meet it, you will find him reaching out to meet yours.

In other words, it’s a quid pro quo situation. Wives want emotional intimacy in sharing their concerns, hopes, fears, and worries with their husbands. Well and good. But men, as we have seen above, are different from women and have their own unique set of needs, fears and struggles. Wives, as Dr. Eggerichs wisely counsels, should be ready and accepting and forbearing when their husbands do open up and share their own fears and worries and struggles.

Or perhaps I should say it this way. Girls should really learn how to play with guns, rubber bands and paper bullets. Boys, on the other hand, should play (very, very occasionally only, okay?) with dolls,miniature plastic spoons, forks, cups and plates, cakes made of mud, setting up an imaginary house for an imaginary family …

The Amy Perez case: Psychological incapacity in annulment of marriages

“An unsatisfactory marriage, however, is not a null and void marriage.”

More than a week ago , our early evening news cum entertainment shows on Channels 2 and 7 reported that the Supreme Court turned down with finality Amy Perez’s petition to have her marriage to musician Brix Ferraris annulled on the basis of psychological incapacity. Pops Fernandez and Martin Nievera, Aiko Melendez and Jomari Yllana, Benjie Paras and Jackie Forster (?), Alma Moreno and Joey Marquez … these are just some of our entertainment personalities who had their marriages successfully declared void on the basis of “psychological incapacity” as provided for by Article 36 of our Family Code.

So what happened to their fellow entertainer Amy Perez’s petition? Read more about psychological incapacity as a ground for declaring a marriage void in my “Legal Updates” blog.

Boundaries in Marriage

As a grade school student in the 1960’s, I grew up quite confused as to whether I resided in the town of San Juan or of Mandaluyong.

You see, the huge compound where I grew up, owned by a Chinese family, was partly in San Juan and partly in Mandaluyong. The main gate opened up to a road that had a crack, a depression in the pavement that marked the boundary between Mandaluyong and San Juan. The road crew cemented only that part of the road that belonged to Mandaluyong. Later on, the San Juan municipal government cemented the other part of the road that belonged to it.

To add to my confusion, although the address we officially used was “San Juan,” my older sisters and I studied in Mandaluyong Elementary School. I remember early mornings, my mother would accompany my older sisters and me to school as we walked several kilometers a day, down Shaw Boulevard, up at A. Bonifacio, then turn left either at Hagdang Bato or A. Luna, and then finally down the road between the San Felipe Neri church and the school (from where I graduated in 1969).

My older sisters went to either Jose Rizal College in Mandaluyong or in EARIST Nagtahan, Manila for their high school studies. But the 4-year scholarship that my elementary school awarded me sent me to the Rizal High School in Pasig. Back then, the school was better known as the “Rizal Provincial High School.” I remember the first time I traveled alone to this school. What kept turning in my young mind was that I was going to a province and I didn’t know what the language there was! I remember passing by the “Rizal Provincial Hospital” and I took that as the boundary between the province of Rizal and wherever I lived (San Juan or Mandaluyong).

Boundaries in law and in the Bible

Boundaries are important, not only for a confused grade schooler, but for society at large. There are numerous court cases where the point of contention is where one property begins and where another ends. Blood feuds begin and lives are lost, when one party encroaches upon another person’s property.

Our Revised Penal Code, for example in Article 313 penalizes altering boundaries or landmarks. The law says, “Any person who shall alter the boundary marks or monuments of towns, provinces, or estates, or any other marks intended to designate the boundaries of the same, shall be punished by arresto menor or a fine not exceeding 100 pesos, or both.” The term "arresto menor" refers to a penalty of imprisonment for 30 days.

The word “boundaries” can take on meanings other than the physical. For example, Proverbs 22: 28, in relation to Deuteronomy 19:14, states, to wit, “Remove not the ancient landmark, which thy fathers have set.” The primary meaning of course here is respecting the boundaries of each person’s property. But preachers have oftentimes used this verse to refer to values or beliefs that ought to be followed, not because they’re ancient, but because time and events have proved their efficacy.

Boundaries in marriage

Several years ago, while browsing at National Bookstore in Shangri-la Crossing, my attention was caught by a book entitled “Boundaries in Marriage.” The title intrigued me so much. I thought, “Doesn’t the Bible teach that when a man and a woman marry, they become one flesh? Doesn’t creating boundaries in marriage pander to a person’s self-interest and self-centeredness, thus creating not unity but conflicts and divergence between a husband and a wife?” (Now you know growing up confused whether I lived in San Juan or Mandaluyong has really messed up my mind about boundaries!)

Anyway, I bought the book. Curiosity got the better of me and since the book was a Philippine reprint by Christian Literature Crusade, it cost only around one hundred eighty pesos, if I remember correctly. (I’m not only confused about boundaries, I’m also a cheapskate!)

“Boundaries in Marriage” (copyright 1999; Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan) was co-authored by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, marriage counselors and popular seminar speakers in the US. They define “boundary” as a property line that defines where something ends and something else begins.

Since this book was written after their “Boundaries: How To Say Yes, How To Say No, To Take Control of Your Life,” Cloud and Townsend spend the first chapter of this book reviewing their concepts and teachings about boundaries. For example, in page 17, Cloud and Townsend state the importance of boundaries:

While many dynamics go into producing and maintaining love, over and over again one issue is at the top of the list: boundaries. When boundaries are not established in the beginning of a marriage, or when they break down, marriages break down as well. Or such marriages don’t grow past the initial attractions and transform into real intimacy. They never reach the true “knowing” of each other and the ongoing ability to abide in love and to grow as individuals and as a couple – the long-term fulfillment that was God’s design. For this intimacy to develop and grow, there must be boundaries.

(I remember reading something Dr. James Dobson wrote in “Love Must Be Tough” ascribing the strength and longevity of his marriage to him and his wife always “defending the line of respect” between them.)

Ten Laws of Boundaries

In Chapter 2, Cloud and Townsend enumerate and elucidate on what they call as the “Ten Laws of Boundaries.” These laws, discussed in pages 37 to 59, are the following:

1. The Law of Sowing and Reaping: Our actions have consequences.

2. The Law of Responsibility: We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.

3. The Law of Power: We have power over some things; we don’t have power over others (including changing people).

4. The Law of Respect: If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.

5. The Law of Motivation: We must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes.

6. The Law of Evaluation: We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others.

7. The Law of Proactivity: We take action to solve problems based on our values, wants and needs.

8. The Law of Envy: We will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries onto what others have.

9. The Law of Activity: We need to take the initiative in setting our limits rather than be passive.

10. The Law of Exposure: We need to communicate our boundaries to each other.

Core values in setting boundaries in marriage

What takes up the bulk of the book (which is replete with real-life examples of couples in crisis due to the lack of boundaries) is Cloud and Townsend’s discussion of values. In page 108, the authors clarify the importance of values:

Your values are the ultimate boundaries of your marriage. They form it, protect it, and give it a place to grow. They dictate what the nature of the relationship is going to be, what it is not going to be allowed to grow there, as well as what is going to be c\sought after and maintained. The values of your relationship become like the frame of a house; they give it shape. What you value determines the kind of relationship you most likely will have in the end. For if you will hold these things up high, esteem them and pursue them as a couple, we believe you will be building your relationship on solid ground.

The “values” that Cloud and Townsend value the most are the following:

1. Love of God

2. Love of Your Spouse

3. Honesty

4. Faithfulness

5. Compassion and Forgiveness

6. Holiness

Further on in their book, Cloud and Townsend state the importance of values in setting boundaries and in building a good marriage. They say,

In marriage, if you focus on what you want and desire and just stay angry and disappointed that you are not getting it, you will remain there. But if you focus on cultivating the garden instead of demanding the fruit, then your garden will yield a huge harvest.

So it is with values …. Work on them. Stand against anything in yourself or your spouse that would destroy them. This is righteous indignation, and your marriage may depend on it. But also, do everything to increase the presence of these things. Give time, money, energy, focus, and other resources to developing the love of God and each other, honesty, faithfulness, compassion, forgiveness, and holiness. Pursue them with everything the two of you can muster. They will not fail you in the end.

Part of the graphic design on the back cover of Cloud and Townsend’s book states, “It takes two individuals to become one flesh.” Remember my question about boundaries and two persons becoming one flesh? Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot perhaps explain best what this quotation means in their book “Relationships.” They say that the fundamental principle in finding fulfillment in relationships is this “If you try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of identity on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself.”

You can read more about “boundaries” in Cloud and Townsend’s website. They have also written “Boundaries in Dating“ and “Boundaries with Kids.”

Boundaries and a friend’s broken romance

For about fourteen years, I worked as a journalism teacher and schoolpaper adviser, first in Quezon City Science High School and then in Rizal High School. In my work as a teacher, I had the privilege and pleasure of working with teenagers on the verge of adulthood, and because press work demanded a lot of time, work and effort together, I became close with several of my staffers. I became friends with one female staffer, in particular, and all throughout her college years and even when she started working, we kept in touch through letters and phone calls.

Several years ago, she called me up and said that she and her boyfriend were already contemplating marriage, since they were both in the middle 20’s already. She asked me to shoot her wedding pictures which she said would be in a garden setting. I said yes and asked her when the wedding would be. She said she will just contact me again and say when and where.

Several months after that call however, she called me up again, and said that she had broken up with her boyfriend. She then told me about how their relationship of several years had been like. Whenever they would have an argument or misunderstanding, her boyfriend would remain aloof and uncommunicative for weeks. They would meet in church, or the guy would escort her home, but remain silent all the time. After a lengthy period of time, her boyfriend would then say that everything’s now okay, and they would have good times again. She said that she tried to understand and bear with her boyfriend’s ways and moods. But as time went by, she said, the question that gnawed upon her mind was that, “If this is the way we are as girlfriend and boyfriend, how would our life be as husband and wife?”

Needless to say, my friend endured the heartache of a romance and a relationship that she had deliberately ended. I don’t know if she had ever read Cloud and Townsend’s book, but I would say that she may have intuitively known what boundaries are and that she had failed to establish them in her relationship. I don’t know what’s happening to my friend now. We just keep in touch by text messages three or four times a year. But I would dare say that she can look back to her broken relationship and say that she had become a better person because she established the right boundary.

Well, well, well, boundaries. I wish I could say that decades after my grade school days, I’m no longer confused about boundaries. But now I live in a corner of Pasig that’s only a stone’s throw away from Cainta. In fact, the first three numbers of our telephone are for homes and offices in the Cainta area. So where am I residing – Pasig or Cainta? Help!