All about women …

Move over, Jang Geum!

I have a deep and dark confession to make to all of you.

Since last year, I have been completely out of touch with millions of Filipinos …

Okay, okay, enough already. I’m getting so melodramatic in this introduction that some of you might be jumping to wild conclusions about what this is all about. Actually, what I want to say is that last year, when millions of Filipinos were glued to their television sets nightly watching GMA 7’s “Jewel in the Palace” I didn’t have a clue what the fuss was all about. The Koreanovela began and ended, and all I got to view was a few minutes of the show while I was riding on a Crossing bound aircon bus traveling along Ayala Avenue.

The only inkling I had of the show’s enormous popularity was when I heard a well-known Filipino pastor speak at length in a world missions conference about how he was forced to watch the show (its stars like Jang Geum and various cooking techniques) simply because his wife adamantly refused to watch any other show during that time slot.

Well, I found about two or three weeks ago, while waiting for the 6:30 news on television, that due to enormous public demand, “Jewel in the Palace” was being aired again by GMA 7. I’m catching snatches here and there of the show, of Jang Geum and kitchen politics in the royal palace, while I’m channel surfing waiting for the news programs to come on. Truth to tell, I just can’t relate to a show where the men wear funny looking hats! Give me the telenovela “Gokusen” anytime! The only Korean words I know and like are Tae Kwon Do, Hwa Rang Do, Tang Soo Do, Kuk Sool Won and Hapkido.

(Some of you might know that all of these terms refer to Korean martial arts, with Hwa Rang Do founded by Joo Bang Lee, Tang Soo Do popularized in the US by Chuck Norris and his spinning back kick, and Hapkido featured in the 1970’s “Billy Jack” movies starring Tom Laughlin and Bong Soo Han.)

Anyway, I can’t argue with millions of Filipino women (and about several hundred men) who passionately follow the triumphs and travails of Jang Geum and who hold her up as the ideal woman. So if it suddenly becomes quiet in your neighborhood tonight, you’ll know that it’s Jang Geum time.

Sex is a gift of God that strengthens the marriage bond

While browsing in a used books stall in SM Centerpoint, Sta. Mesa, Manila more than a month ago, I found a book by Debra Evans entitled “The Christian Woman’s Guide to Sexuality” (copyright 1997; Published by Crossway Books). Okay, okay, I know some of you are now shaking your heads and wondering why I would be reading this kind of a book. Well, for two reasons. 

One, I will give this book as a gift to my future wife, whoever she might be by God's gracious provision. Two, I want to understand what makes women tick, so to speak. I think it was poet John Donne who said, “Every woman is a science.” In the 1970’s I had a National Science Development Board engineering scholarship in UP Diliman. I lost the scholarship when I failed Physics 41, Math 53, Engineering Science I, and barely passed Chem 17. Hmm, this must be the reason why I don’t understand women…

Evans, a healthcare educator specializing in women’s health issues and family wellness, clearly discusses, with charts and detailed illustrations, the practical, physical and physiological aspects of sex within marriage, the female anatomy, childbearing, family planning, etc. from a medical and Biblical viewpoint. In one of the annexes to her book, Evans summarizes the Judeo-Christian views of sex, in opposition to the humanistic and hedonistic views. Some of these views are:

A. Origin of human life: Humans were created in the image of their Creator God.

B. Purpose of sex: Sex is viewed as a means to an end: (1) The means through which “two become one flesh.” (2) To make the earth fruitful for God. (3) An end to “aloneness” and emotional isolation.

C. Acceptable forms of sexual expression: Sexual activity between a man and a woman within marriage only.

D. View of sex as it relates to the family: Sex is a gift of God that strengthens the marriage bond; children are viewed as a blessing, and certain forms of sexuality are viewed as destructive to sexual identity in all situations: adultery, prostitution, rape, promiscuity, incest, bestiality, homosexuality, pornography, exhibitionism.

E. Individual rights: An individual expresses his or her sexuality in accordance with the will of God as laid out in the Bible; he or she belongs to God. Each spouse’s body belongs to the other.

F. Belief in an afterlife: Beyond death lies heaven or hell, eternal life or eternal damnation.

G. Accountability: Each individual is accountable to a personal Creator for his or her choices, words or actions.

Menstruation and the Levitical law

The Old and New Testaments mention that a woman while having her menstrual period is considered as “unclean.” For a lot of people reading these Bible passages, especially Leviticus 15:19-21, 24 and 31, all this talk of a woman being “unclean” smacks of gross ignorance, chauvinism and prejudice against women. But Evans explains in pages 65 and 66 of her book the reasons for the Levitical prohibitions on touching an “unclean” woman or anything she uses or touches. Evans explains that the menstrual flow comes from the discharge from the endometrium and blood from the capillaries lining the uterus. This discharge leaves the female body in a clean state but becomes a medium for bacterial growth once it is exposed to air, leading to diseases and infections.  

Evans reminds her readers that at the time of the Levitical law, Jewish women lived in the desert, without a reliable source of water, without soap (invented only in the 1800’s) and definitely without the sanitary items women today can simply buy at any store. She says that the Levitical prohibitions were God's omniscient way of protecting the health of the Jewish people.

Except for her view on mutual submission, I highly endorse Debra Evans’ book to you. There’s a phrase Evans used twice or thrice in her book that completely took me by surprise by its frankness and uniqueness (she first used the phrase in page 77, if I remember correctly). The phrase is …. Nah, I can’t tell you in public, not like this! Read the book! Read the book!

Other books by Evans which you might be interested in are the following: Heart and Home; Beauty for Ashes; Preparing for Childbirth; Preparing for Childbirth; The Woman’s Complete Guide to Personal Health Care; Women of Character; Kindred Hearts; and, Blessing Your Husband.

Great materials from the Women Today Magazine website

One website which the women among you might be interested in is “Women Today Magazine” published, if I’m not mistaken, by Campus Crusade for Christ. There’s a link to this website from this blog; look for it on the right hand column. Okay, okay, I’ll make it easy for you. To get to Women Today Magazine website, just click here.

I’ve browsed the site and found it chock-full of great articles for women. Okay, okay, I know some of you are now definitely shaking your heads and wondering why I would be browsing this kind of a website. Well, for two reasons …

“What wives wish their husbands knew about women”

One book which you might really be interested in reading, whether you’re a man or a woman, is Dr. James Dobson’s “What wives wish their husbands knew about women” (copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc; published by Living Books). The book is a worldwide bestseller, having sold more than two million copies, and the words on the frontispiece really get your attention – “Women have needs men don’t understand.” In this book, Dobson enumerates and discusses the top ten problems women face:

1. Low self-esteem

2. Fatigue and time pressure

3. Loneliness, isolation, and boredom and absence of romantic love in marriage

4. Financial difficulties

5.Sexual problems in marriage

6. Menstrual and physiological problems

7. Problems with the children

8. Problems with in-laws

9. Aging

Number [3] in the enumeration above is actually a combination of two related problems – absence of romantic love leading to loneliness, isolation and boredom. The book is available locally in Christian bookstores like OMF Lit, PCBS, etc.

While Dobson wrote this book 31 years ago from a survey of American women, I would dare say that his findings and discussions still hold true today not only for Americans but also for Filipino women.

Bored, lonely housewives and the temptations of online affairs

When Dobson wrote this book in 1975, computers were clunky, room-sized contraptions powered by vacuum tubes (later on by transistors) and miles of electrical wiring. The Internet was then a highly technical tool used exclusively by the military and university researchers, and meant for making communicating with one another possible in case of a nuclear war. Today, 900 million people use the Internet (e-mail, websites and chat rooms) on a daily basis for professional, educational and personal purposes. Probe Ministries, in an article by Kerby Anderson, points out a danger that lonely and bored housewives are falling into, that is, online affairs or the allure of cyber-relationships. Anderson, citing the work of Peggy Vaughn, states:

Peggy Vaughn is the author of “The Monogamy Myth” and also serves as an expert for America Online on problems caused by infidelity. She predicts that one “role of the Internet in the future will be as a source of affairs.” She is writing a second book on the subject of adultery and says she could base half of it just on the letters she receives from people who started an affair online.

An online affair (or cyberaffair) is an intimate or sexually explicit communication between a married person and someone other than their spouse that takes place on the Internet. Usually this communication takes place through an online service such as America Online or CompuServe. Participants usually visit a chat room to begin a group conversation and then often move into a one-to-one mode of communication. Chat room categories range from “single and liking it” to “married and flirting” to “naked on the keyboard.”

Women in a chat room are often surprised at what develops in a fairly short period of time. At first the conversation is stimulating, though flirtatious. Quickly, however, women are often confronted with increasingly sexual questions and comments. Even if the comments don’t turn personal, women find themselves quickly sharing intimate information about themselves and their relationships that they would never share with someone in person. Peggy Vaughn says, “Stay-at-home moms in chat rooms are sharing all this personal stuff they are hiding from their partners.” She finds that the intensity of women’s online relationships can “quickly escalate into thinking they have found a soulmate.” [emphasis by boldfacing supplied - GTG]

Online affairs differ from physical world affairs in some ways, but are similar in others. Cyberaffairs are based upon written communication where a person may feel more free to express herself anonymously than in person. Frequently the communication becomes sexually graphic and kinky in ways that probably would not occur if a real person were hearing these comments and could act on them. Participants in an online affair will often tell their life stories and their innermost secrets. They will also create a new persona, become sexually adventurous, and pretend to be different than they really are. [emphasis by boldfacing supplied - GTG]

“A Woman Among The Pillars”

In a previous article “Why do men think the things they think, say the things they say, and do the things they do?”, I mentioned Stu Webber’s book “Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart” (reprinted locally by OMF Literature). As I mentioned in that article, Webber is a man’s man. After training as an Airborne Ranger, he fought in Vietnam with the battle-hardened 5th US Special Forces. A bonus part of Webber’s book is the postscript “A Woman Among The Pillars.” Here, Webber discusses the ways women can support the King Pillar of their husband’s hearts:

1. Read, learn, apply and learn.

2. Love unconditionally.

3. Listen intently.

4. Don’t expect him to meet all your emotional needs.

5. Understand the power you have.

6. See your husband as God’s gift to you.

7. Appreciate the little things he does, as well as the “big” things.

8. Give him some space.

9. Physically appreciate him.

10. Follow his leadership.

11. See your marriage as a journey, not a destination.

The definitive woman

Anyway, we really don’t have far to go if we want a portrait of the definitive woman, to know what the ideal wife is and what she does for her husband and children. We only have to pick up our Bible, open it up to the Old Testament and turn to Proverbs chapter 31. Not much is known about King Lemuel according to Bible scholars, but it is a common mistake to say that he wrote Proverbs 31. If you look closely at verse 1, you’ll know that these words were given and taught to him by his mother.

Proverbs 31, King James Version
10. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
11. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
13. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
14. She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
15. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
16. She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
17. She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
18. She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
19. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
21. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
23. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
24. She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
25. Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
29. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
30. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
31. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

Hey, in case you didn’t notice, with the woman described in Proverbs 31 above, there aren’t any issues of low self-esteem, loneliness, boredom, the lack of romantic love … Perhaps, Dr. Dobson, in pages 185 and 186 of his book, best sums it all up when he states:

We have been examining, I believe, a single problem with ten different manifestations. Simply stated, the family was designed by God Almighty to have a specific purpose and function: when it operates as intended, the emotional and physical needs of husbands, wives and children are met in a beautiful relationship of symbiotic love. But when the function is inhibited or destroyed, then every member of the family experiences the discomfort of unmet needs … When the family conforms to God’s blueprint, then self-esteem is available for everyone – which satisfies romantic aspirations – which abolishes loneliness, isolation and boredom – which contributes to sexual fulfillment – which binds the marriage together in fidelity – which provides security for children – which gives parents a sense of purpose – which contributes to self-esteem once more. The chain has no weak links. It reveals the beauty of God’s own creation, as does the rest of his universe.

Well, well, well, Jang Geum, Jewel in the Palace and all about women … Hmm, I wonder, has Jang Geum written a book? Does she have a website? Let me find out and I’ll get right back to you …

“Fearfully and Wonderfully Made”

A primer on the Newborn Screening Act of 2004

Dr. Paul Brand, world-renowned surgeon specializing in the treatment of leprosy, in collaboration with popular author Philip Yancey, has written two best-selling books, namely “In His Image” and “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made.” Both of these books have been reprinted by Christian Literature Crusade and are thus available at affordable prices in Christian bookstores (OMF Lit, PCBS, Back to the Bible, etc) and at National Bookstore branches.

(I have read both of these books and have found them to be full of interesting tidbits of information. I can’t recall the exact passage but in one portion, Brand and Yancey discuss why a world-class female sprinter, because of her physical make-up, cannot outrun a world-class male sprinter. In another portion, Brand and Yancey say that high heeled, sharply pointed shoes aren’t right for women because they go against the way the human foot is designed. Hey, what can I say? My mind gets caught up in trivia like these!)

The title of Brand and Yancey’s book “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made” is taken from Psalms chapter 139, King James Version, specifically verse 14. Below is the complete text of Psalms 139.

Psalms 1391. O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.
5. Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
6. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
7. Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8. If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10. Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12. Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
13. For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
14. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
18. If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
19. Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
20. For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
21. Do not I hate them, O Lord, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?
22. I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.
23. Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
24. And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I think it was Rabindranath Tagore, Indian poet, who said decades ago that “Every child comes with the hope that God is not yet through with mankind.” Since Tagore said these words however, abortion has been the scourge of millions of the unborn. It is estimated that there are 50 million abortions every year worldwide. (Probe Ministries has a very interesting article on the long term effects of post-abortion trauma).

Psalms 139 poetically but forcefully reminds us that even that tiny, pin-prick fertilized egg inside a woman’s body has infinite value in the eyes of its Creator.

A very positive, recent development in our laws is the promulgation into law of Republic Act 9288 or the Newborn Screening Act of 2004. You can find the complete text of RA 9288 in my website www.familymatters.org.ph. Please surf over to my Legal Updates blog for a primer on RA 9288.

A primer on RA 8972 or the Solo Parents Welfare Act of 2000

Last March 19, I gave a 3-hour legal seminar for the single parents group of a PCEC-affiliated church in Quezon City. Known as the Single Parents For Christ (SPARC), the group is composed of some 20 to 30 women who are single parents for various reasons - widowhood, separation from their husbands, grandparents left to take care of grandkids as the parents are working abroad, etc. We had a fruitful afternoon discussing the essential provisions of the Family Code of the Philippines, RA 9262 or the Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act of 2004, and RA 8972 or the Solo Parents’ Welfare Act of 2000. If you’d like to know more about this group of dear ladies, please surf to their website http://pcecsparc.multiply.com.

While browsing at the new OMF Lit bookstore in Boni Avenue in Mandaluyong, I saw a book entitled, if I remember correctly, “On Single Parenting” published by Zondervan, priced at around two hundred eighty pesos. Once I get a copy of the book, I will do a review on it here in this blog. (You might also be interested in the video “Si Nanay Ay Si Tatay” available at House of Praise outlets.)

Anyway, for now, if you want to know more about our country’s solo parents’ law, please surf over to my Legal Updates weblog.

Charlie Brown, Soren Kierkaagard, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, Jim Elliot, Peter Marshall, and zoe ...

Sometime in the middle 1970’s, I came across the books entitled “The Parable According to Peanuts” and “More Parables According To Peanuts.” I don’t remember now who the author was, but the book’s thesis was that the Charles Schultz’s cartoon strip “Peanuts” was essentially Christian in worldview. Wow, Charlie Brown, Lucy, Snoopy, Linus, etc as theologians! I had a great time reading those books, first because I identified a lot with Charlie Brown, and second I got introduced to the thoughts of theologians and philosophers like Karl Barth and Soren Kierkaagard which the book often referred to. (I remember reading about Kierkaagard’s views at that same time from Francis Schaeffer’s book “The God Who Is There.”)

I don’t have those books anymore with me. Best that I could remember, I lent the books to a college friend named Al (he eventually went to and graduated from Raffles University in Singapore and has been working there as a journalist since the 1980’s). I don’t remember him ever returning those books. Hmm, maybe I’d better e-mail him about returning those books …

Anyway, one particular Peanuts cartoon strip from those books showed Charlie Brown walking sadly on the windblown baseball grounds as the school year ended. Charlie Brown was thinking, “I hate it when schooldays are over. There’s a dreariness in the air that depresses me.” That was when Lucy (as usual) gets into the scene and jolts Charlie Brown back into reality.

In the 1990’s, when I was editing the yearbooks of Rizal High School, I wrote a short piece based on that particular Peanuts cartoon strip, beginning it with Charlie Brown’s thoughts. I used the piece in special sections of the yearbooks, and it captured for a lot of our students their mixed emotions as they approached graduation day. The piece goes like this:

I hate it when schooldays are over. There’s a dreariness in the air that depresses me. Even the rooms that once were filled with laughter are now empty and bare, the fine dust gathering on the wooden chairs, the windows shutting out the light from the dying sun.

Outside the once green grass now turns to deep brown in the parched ground, the trees bare of any leaves, their twisted black branches reaching upwards toward the sky in vain supplication for a little rain. The wind blows and creates swirling clouds of dust that sweep the school grounds and the empty hallways that once echoed the sounds of hurrying feet and young, excited voices.

School days are over, summer is here.

We’ve said our final goodbyes to our dear friends a thousand times, not really wanting each goodbye to be the last and final sad farewell. We cling to our friends, we hold hands tightly as we walk around the school one final time; we visit the rooms that were once our safe and secure refuge from the harshness of life.

We go through the paces of graduation practices, and laugh at the silly mistakes we make. But deep inside us, we feel a cold hand clutching our hearts, knowing that each day brings us closer to the moment when separation from our dear friends becomes inevitable, a moment steeped in profound sadness and absolute finality.

We close our eyes and hope that time can stand still; we will hold this day like a precious diamond in our hands, hold it up and reflect upon its exquisite beauty. If only time can stand still, we will forever be happy, together …

ALL ETERNITY FROZEN IN A SINGLE MOMENT OF YOUTH.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross became famous with her study on death and dying, with the stages that a person who knows he or she is terminally ill (or undergoing deep personal sorrow) oftentimes goes through – anger, denial, bargaining and acceptance. Kubler-Ross discovered that a dying person oftentimes focuses not on his or her academic achievements, career highlights, professional pinnacles, but on snatches of childhood memories, stories of friendships from long ago, and on events that may have seemed insignificant at the time but which impending death and reflection have now given a new perspective. A dying person oftentimes thinks about places that hold special memories (the house in the province, the old high school), childhood friends, falling in love for the first time …

(Talking about love, I first fell in love when I was a Grade 4 student. I can still remember her long black hair, her languid eyes, her beautiful name ... Elaine Rose. Or was it simply Rose? Or only Elaine? Or was Rose my Grade 6 classmate, Elaine my Grade 5 seatmate? Sadly, I don’t remember now ... Ah, young love!)

“All eternity frozen in a single moment of youth …”

Theologians tell us that “zoe” is the Greek word for “eternal life” or “eternity.” One pastor, teaching on eternal life, was innocently asked by a grade school student, “Pastor, do you mean to say that I will forever be a Grade 5 student?” The pastor then explained that “zoe” does not refer only to an endless period of time but also to the distinct quality of life for that endless period of time.

When I was a first year student in high school, I had a classmate named Felino who was a math genius. One time, as we were on the top level of the grandstand, gazing at the Marikina River flowing lazily behind the school, Felino said that when his time to die came, he wanted to be cremated and his ashes scattered all over the river. That he said, was his idea of eternal life.

I think it was martyred missionary Jim Elliot who said, “When it’s your time to die, make sure that all you have to do is die.” What he says, I think, is not to leave any loose ends in your life - no words of love, affirmation or encouragement left unsaid; no hurts and heartaches inflicted by other people left unforgiven; none of your own sins and offenses against other people left unconfessed …

Famous American preacher Peter Marshall (former chaplain of the US Senate) once said, "Death isn't a wall, it's a door." The Apostle Paul clarifies in I Corinthians 15:51-58 that death comes to us all and then eternity begins:

Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,
In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.

For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality.

So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is thy sting?

O grave, where is thy victory?

The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.

But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

Priceless counsel from a bargain sale book

“How to save your marriage alone”

It must be a conspiracy of sorts.

Everywhere I go (malls, bookstores, etc) there seem to be stockpiles of books on sale. With the low prices, the good condition of the books, and a great variety to choose from, I have been enticed to buy several books since last week. I bought a hard bound edition of “Fit To Be Tied” by Bill and Lynne Hybels at only one hundred fifty pesos. This is a bargain since the locally printed paperback edition costs around one hundred eighty pesos. I also got a mint quality Debra Evans book for only two hundred pesos.

The best bargain I’ve been able to get is the paperback “How to save your marriage alone” by Dr. Ed Wheat which I bought for only NINE pesos! This book (copyright 1983 by Zondervan Books; published by Pyranee Books) actually comes from two chapters of Dr. Wheat’s classic book “Love Life For Every Married Couple” (copyright 1980 by Dr. Ed Wheat, M.D.) “Love Life” reprinted locally by Christian Literature Crusade, has sold more than 900,000 copies world wide.

(I don’t know why bookstores or mall outlets for these bargain books stock the books on marriage and relationships on the shelves reserved for “Trade Books.” Hmm, let me see – marriage is a trade? husbands and wives are traders? I’m confused …)

In a previous article, I mentioned B-E-S-T, Dr. Wheat’s acronym for a superb marriage. It stands for B- blessing; E – edification; S – sharing; and T – touching. This slimmed down edition of “Love Life” doesn’t contain Wheat’s discussion of B-E-S-T but is meant, in Wheat’s words, to help spouses whose marriages are in crisis to “clarify their thoughts, stabilize their emotions, and learn to behave in a consistent, purposeful way that will save the marriage and bring a new dimension of love into the relationship.”

Wheat quotes marriage counselor Anne Kristin Carroll as saying that ruptured relationships and torn marriages can be brought back to life and vitality even if only one spouse is committed to saving the marriage. Carroll speaks from experience – she was married at 18, divorced at 21, and by God’s grace, years later, she was reunited and remarried to her estranged husband.

Dr. Wheat enumerates the ways in preparing to make a purposeful effort in saving the marriage:

1. Prepare for the worst, knowing you have a sufficiency of grace.

2. Prepare to be “perfect” knowing you have a sufficiency of grace.

(a) Consistently do everything you can to please your spouse and meet his or her needs and desires.

(b) Consistently show your mate the respect and honor commanded in Scripture whether your mate personally merits it or not.

(c)Totally avoid criticism of your mate.

3. Prepare to be rejected knowing you have a sufficiency of grace.

Dr. Wheat then cites the Old Testament story of Hosea and his adulterous wife Gomer to support his ideas that a man or a woman, ALONE, can create the conditions that will save the marriage.

(I’ve never heard a Filipino or an American pastor preach at length from the Book of Hosea. Bible scholars are divided on the issue of whether to take Hosea and Gomer’s story literally or as an allegorical story of God’s passionate and persistent love for His unfaithful people, the nation of Israel. Those who say that the Book of Hosea is allegorical and not literal say that God’s command for Hosea to marry an adulterous woman violates His holiness.

On the other hand, there are Bible scholars who say that Hosea and Gomer’s story is presented in such a simple narrative that it should be taken literally. The middle ground may be held by those scholars who say that God’s command for Hosea to marry adulterous Gomer should be taken “proleptically” that is, looking towards the future. This view, holding a literal interpretation of Hosea, says that Gomer was chaste at the beginning of the marriage but later on became immoral.)

Consistent with his concepts, Dr. Wheat says that even in cases of a spouse engaged in an adulterous affair, the innocent spouse should let the affair go on for the time being. He urges men and women “to avoid separation no matter how serious their problems are” (with the exception being cases of physical violence). Wheat says that as the innocent spouse exhibits consistent love and grace, the offending spouse will soon realize the errors, futility and consequences of the adulterous affair.

I hope that I have been able to give you a clear overview of Wheat’s concepts which he says have helped restore thousands of marriages. His concepts may help your own marriage. If you want to read more about his concepts, “Love Life” is available at Christian bookstores and at National Bookstore branches.

Dr. Wheat is just one voice in the spectrum of Christian counselors. Dr. James Dobson (“Love Must Be Tough”) and David Clarke, Ph.D (“What to do when your spouse says, I don’t love you anymore”) espouse views that are radically different from those of Wheat. The differences can readily be seen in Dobson and Clarke’s tough love, bring down the hammer approach in dealing with adulterous affairs. Compared with Dobson and Clarke’s views, Dr. Wheat’s views seem to be totally wimpy.

For example, as you have seen above, Wheat says that the innocent spouse should exhibit love and grace towards the offending spouse, and strive to meet that mate’s needs and desires (even for sexual relations). Clarke in his book won’t have any truck with this kind of advice. Clarke advocates that, in case the offending spouse comes back, there should not be any sexual relations for several months until it has been medically established that such spouse is free from any sexually transmitted disease (STD) he/she may have picked up from the adulterous partner.

Well, well, well, books on sale, saving your marriage alone and conflicting views from esteemed Christian counselors. I just found out that the 27th Manila International Book Fair will be held on August 30 to September 3, 2006 at the World Trade Center in Buendia corner D. Macapagal Blvd. in Pasay City. Hundreds of book publishers and stores, authors, printers, etc will be exhibiting their wares, with bargain books, great discounts on all items and freebies. It really must be a conspiracy!

Mediation not allowed in domestic violence cases (with apologies to Pia Guanio)

Several days ago, I was watching Channel 7’s “24 Oras” early evening news program when Pia Guanio, the entertainment segment host, reported an item about Hollywood actor Lou Diamond Phillips. As reported, Phillips was arrested by Los Angeles police for verbally and physically abusing his live-in girlfriend. Phillips, who’s got Filipino ancestry, was released by the police several hours later on his own recognizance.

What got my attention was Pia’s last statement in her news report. I stand to be corrected but I heard Pia say, “Pansamantalang pinakawalan si Phillips upang masubukan niya at ng kanyang ka-live in ang MEDITATION.” In English, that translates into, “Phillips was released by the police so that he and his live-in partner can try MEDITATION.”

Either Pia Guanio (a beautiful and smart woman desperately in need of a fashion make-over) misread the teleprompter, or the news editors of Channel 7 were really at fault. You see, the word Pia should have used instead of MEDITATION was MEDIATION. For a brief moment, I had visions of Lou Diamond Phillips and his live-in partner doing some Transcendental Meditation in order to solve their relationship problems. Om! Om! Sorry, Pia!

Levity aside, I have written several articles on RA 9262, our country’s landmark law on violence against women. If you’d like to review these articles, here are the links:

Hope and help for the battered woman (5): Biblical response to abuse; evangelical Christians are best husbands – University of Virginia study

Hope and help for the battered woman (4): Emotional abuse/psychological violence

Hope and help for the battered woman (3): RA 9262 Protection Orders

Hope and help for the battered woman (2): RA 9262 essential provisions

Hope and help for the battered woman (1): Statistics on domestic violence

What is mediation?

Mediation is a method of “Alternative Dispute Resolution” and under the Supreme Court guidelines, it is mandatory for all civil cases and some criminal offenses (like BP 22 or bouncing checks). The court orders the litigants to undergo mediation proceedings before a Supreme Court-trained mediator, for a period of 30 days. Mediation is informal and the mediator tries to get the parties to settle the case amicably, on a win-win scenario for all the parties involved. If the mediation fails, then the case is referred back to court for continuation of trial. But experience has shown that mediation works well with a high percentage of cases amicably settled.

Labor dispute cases in the National Labor Relations Commission (NLRC) now also undergo mandatory conciliation/mediation proceedings. Of course, most of you are familiar with the mediation proceedings at the barangay level, as provided for by the Local Government Code of 1991.

RA 9262 cases expressly exempted from mediation (by barangay officials, police officers, social workers and even judges)

It appears from Pia’s report and the Internet resources I checked that California and some other places in the USA do allow meditation, I mean, mediation proceedings even in domestic violence cases. However, here in the Philippines, RA 9262, its Implementing Rules and Regulations and the Supreme Court Rule for RA 9262, all prohibit mediation of cases involving violence against women. You might ask, if mediation has been proven to work well, then why is it prohibited in RA 9262 cases?

Please surf over to my Legal Updates blog for the answer.

“Can you read my mind?”

Starting this week, I will be teaching Literature to 2nd year students of the Asia Baptist Bible College (a ministry of the Sta. Mesa Baptist Bible Church under Rev. Joseph Boyd Lyons). For the past several years, I have spent the first week or two of this one month long subject reading and discussing poetry (Shakespeare, John Milton, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Emily Dickinson, Omar Khayyam, etc). This year, I will be introducing my students to the works of Kahlil Gibran.

A consistent favorite among my students is the Philippines’ very own “Beyond Forgetting” written by Rolando Carbonell. As part of the graded activities, I require my students to recite “Beyond Forgetting” from memory. With some background music by guitar or piano, the students’ recitation of the poem can sometimes be, well, beyond forgetting …

Carbonell (who has seven earned doctorates!) wrote this love poem and several others for his wife in the 1960’s, if I’m not mistaken. I remember reading this collection of poems when I was an AB English student in Philippine Christian University in the late 70’s.

You might be wondering why I am talking about love poems in a blog that focuses on more practical issues in relationships, marriage and the family. Well, the persona in Carbonell’s poem, near the end of the poem, says, to wit,

You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference. But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart. For how could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone? But perhaps you didn’t understand.

“Silence is the language of my heart …” It’s great poetry, brimming over with passion that makes women swoon, but such sentiment about “silence speaking a more eloquent tone” is the stuff that breaks marriages apart. Or as someone has wisely put it, “More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence.”

Most experts in relationships and marriage will tell you that “communication is the key to your marriage.” In fact, there is a best-selling book by H. Norman Wright with these words as the title. Willard Harley Jr. in his classic book “His Needs, Her Needs” says that a man should spend at least 15 hours a week talking to his wife or girlfriend. Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The Five Love Languages” says that “Words of Affirmation” is a language that a lot of people speak. It is not silence, however eloquent it may be, but words of affirmation that bring vitality to a relationship.

Dr. James Dobson, in his classic, best-selling book “Love Must Be Tough” (copyright 1983, 1996 by Word Incorporated; published 1999 in the Philippines by OMF Literature) however has a different take on the lack of communication between spouses. He says on page 26, to wit,

The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way one spouse begins to perceive the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped. That’s the key word, trapped.

But the fact is, during the intense, passion-filled days before marriage, a man and a woman can hardly keep themselves apart, talking, whispering, sharing secrets, plans, hopes, wishes and dreams. So what happens after marriage? The man retreats to reading his newspaper or watching the news on TV, while the woman tends the kids, watching the telenovelas by herself. So what happened? Too many wives and husbands have been hearing nothing from their spouses except (for what Simon and Garfunkel said in their 1960’s hit song) the sounds of silence.

In the 1970’s the late Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder starred in a Superman movie that produced a hit song entitled, if I’m not mistaken, “Can you read my mind?” A common mistake that a lot of women make (okay, okay, some men also make this mistake) is assuming that their boyfriends or husbands can read their minds.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his website www.loveandrespect.com has a video clip where he narrates the story of a man and woman talking about where to celebrate their 5th wedding anniversary. It’s a very funny clip, but it shows how wives can sometimes leave their husbands hanging in mid-air, not knowing what women really want. And all because women have this persistent notion that if their boyfriends or husbands are really in touch with women’s emotions, they would be able to read their minds and know what they want.

Lest you think that I am just being chauvinistic, let me cite two authors (female, mind you) who encourage women to say directly to their husbands what they really want. These are Gaye Wheat, co-writer of the book “Intended for Pleasure” (copyright 1977 by Fleming H. Revel, 1981, 1997 by Ed and Gaye Wheat; published in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade and available in National Bookstore branches), and Dr. Laura Schlessinger (more popularly known in the US simply as Dr. Laura).

Gaye Wheat, in pages 153 and 154 of “Intended for Pleasure”, says:

It is amazing how silent we women are on something as important as the sex act in marriage. We wish in silence or we suffer in silence or we hope that this time he will be different, that this time he will think of doing that which we long for him to do. Why not just tell him?

While Gaye Wheat makes this wise observation in the context of a wife’s sexual relationship with her husband, such advice for a wife to speak up and say what she wants can be translated into other areas of marriage.

Dr. Laura has written a book entitled “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Probe Ministries, through Sue Bohlin, has a review of Dr. Laura’s book which you might want to check out. Dr. Laura says that women should realize that men need direct communication from their wives. Among other things, Dr. Laura says,

Men make terrible mind readers, so be direct. Dropping subtle hints doesn’t work with most men, and it doesn’t mean a man is insensitive, uncaring or oblivious.

The bottom line? Men cannot read their wives’ minds and neither should wives expect their husbands to be able to do so. It may be a lot less romantic for a woman to engage in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband, rather than dropping subtle hints here and there. But she will save herself a lot of heartaches and frustrations if she, as Gaye Wheat and Dr. Laura both say, engages in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband.

(I’m sure a lot of you are now reaching out for your Bible and searching for Proverbs 27:5 which says, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.” Hebrew poetry is marked by parallelism, by the use of antithesis and synthesis. Most preachers have interpreted Proverbs 27:5 as an antithesis, but that’s wrong. The verse should be read together with Proverbs 28:234, Psalms 141:5 and Galatians 4:16, and should be interpreted as a synthesis. That is, if you love somebody, you should be brave enough, willing enough to confront that person about his errors and sins.)

Anyway, I’m looking forward to hearing my Literature students recite “Beyond Forgetting.” With some background music by guitar or piano, I’m sure the students’ recitation of this poem will be, well, beyond forgetting …