Primers on the Family Code of the Philippines

Starting this week, I will be posting primers in my Legal Updates blog on the various provisions of the Family Code of the Philippines. For this week, the primer is on the basic provisions on marriage, specifically Articles 1 to 34. Please surf over to www.familymatters.org.ph for Title I, Articles 1 to 54 which comprise the complete provisions of the Family Code on marriage.

You may also want to review my previous articles on “covenant marriage” and “divorce and remarriage” from the Philippine legal standpoint. I discussed these articles with pastors and workers who attended the Baptist Mission Partners symposium last week.

Mind reading and negative interpretations

The only exercise some people do is jumping to conclusions

This is a revised version of my August 13, 2006 article entitled “Can you read my mind?” I have incorporated some new things I have learned from “A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan like mind reading as negative interpretation, confirmation bias … Plus, I’ll share with you a current personal situation on this very issue of mind reading and negative interpretations. Well, here we go!

Several months ago, I taught Literature to the 2nd year students of the Asia Baptist Bible College (a ministry of the Sta. Mesa Baptist Bible College under Rev. Joseph Boyd Lyons). As in the past several years, I spent the first week or two of this one-month subject reading and discussing poetry - Shakespeare, John Milton, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Emily Dickinson, Omar Khayyam, etc. This year, I introduced my students to the works of Kahlil Gibran. Some of Gibran’s famous lines are the following:

On Work: “Work is love made visible.”

On Pain: “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”

On Children: “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.”

If you want to read Kahlil Gibran’s poems from “The Prophet”, please surf over to http://www.katsandogz.com/gibran.html.

A consistent favorite among my students through the years is the Philippines’ very own “Beyond Forgetting” written by Rolando Carbonell. As part of the graded activities, I require my students to recite “Beyond Forgetting” from memory. With some background music by guitar or piano, the students’ recitations of the poem have sometimes been, well, beyond forgetting …

Carbonell (who has seven earned doctorates!) wrote this love poem and several others for his wife in the 1960’s, if I’m not mistaken. I remember reading this collection of poems when I was an A.B. English student in Philippine Christian University in the late 70’s.

You might be wondering why I am talking about love poems in a blog that focuses on more practical issues in relationships, marriage and the family. Well, the persona in Carbonell’s poem, near the end of the poem, says:

You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference. But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart. For how could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone? But perhaps you didn’t understand.

“Silence is the language of my heart …” It’s great poetry, brimming over with passion that makes women swoon, but such sentiment about “silence speaking a more eloquent tone” is actually the stuff that breaks marriages up.

Most experts in relationships and marriage will tell you that “communication is the key to your marriage.” In fact, there is a best-selling book by H. Norman Wright with these very words as the title. Willard Harley Jr. in his classic book “His Needs, Her Needs” says that a man should spend at least 15 hours a week talking to his wife or girlfriend. Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The Five Love Languages” says that “Words of Affirmation” is a language that a lot of people speak. Not silence, however eloquent, but words of affirmation bring vitality to a relationship. Or as someone has wisely put it, “More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence.”

Dr. James Dobson, in his book classic, best-selling book “Love Must Be Tough” (copyright 1983, 1996 by Word Incorporated; published 1999 in the Philippines by OMF Literature) however has a different take on the lack of communication between spouses. He says on page 26, to wit,

The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way one spouse begins to perceive the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped. That’s the key word, trapped.

But the fact is, during the intense, passion-filled days before marriage, a man and a woman can hardly keep themselves apart, talking, whispering, sharing secrets, plans, hopes, wishes and dreams. So what happens after marriage? The man retreats to reading his newspaper or watching the news on TV, while the woman tends the kids, watching the telenovelas by herself. So what happened? Too many wives and husbands have been hearing nothing from their spouses except for what Simon and Garfunkel said in their 1960’s hit song, the sounds of silence.

In the 1970’s the late Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder starred in a Superman movie that produced a hit song entitled, if I’m not mistaken, “Can you read my mind?” A common mistake that a lot of women make (okay, okay, some men also make this mistake) is assuming that their boyfriends or husbands can read their minds.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his website www.loveandrespect.com has a video clip where he narrates the story of a man and woman talking about where to celebrate their 5th wedding anniversary. It’s a very funny clip, but it shows how wives can sometimes leave their husbands hanging in mid-air, not knowing what they really want. And all because women have this persistent and foolish notion that if their boyfriends or husbands are really in touch with women’s emotions, they would be able to read their minds and know what they want.

Lest you think that I am just being chauvinistic, let me cite two authors (female, mind you) who encourage women to say directly to their husbands what they really want. These are Gaye Wheat, co-writer of the book “Intended for Pleasure” (copyright 1977 by Fleming H. Revel, 1981, 1997 by Ed and Gaye Wheat; published in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade and available in National Bookstore branches), and Dr. Laura Schlessinger (more popularly known in the US simply as Dr. Laura).

Gaye Wheat says in pages 153 and 154, to wit,

It is amazing how silent we women are on something as important as the sex act in marriage. We wish in silence or we suffer in silence or we hope that this time he will be different, that this time he will think of doing that which we long for him to do. Why not just tell him?

While Gaye Wheat makes this wise observation in the context of a wife’s sexual relationship with her husband, such can be translated into other areas of marriage.

Dr. Laura has written a book entitled “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Probe Ministries, through Sue Bohlin, has a review of Dr. Laura’s book which you might want to check out. Dr. Laura says that women should realize that men need direct communication from their wives. Among other things, Dr. Laura says,

Men make terrible mind readers, so be direct. Dropping subtle hints doesn’t work with most men, and it doesn’t mean a man is insensitive, uncaring or oblivious.

The bottom line? Men cannot read their wives’ minds and neither should wives expect their husbands to be able to do so. It may be a lot less romantic for a woman to engage in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband, rather than dropping subtle hints here and there. But she will save herself a lot of heartaches and frustrations if she, as Gaye Wheat and Dr. Laura both say, engages in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband.

(I’m sure a lot of you are now reaching out for your Bible and searching for Proverbs 27:5 which says, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.” Hebrew poetry is marked by parallelism, by the use of antithesis and synthesis. Most preachers have interpreted Proverbs 27:5 as an antithesis, but that’s wrong. The verse should be read together with Proverbs 28:234, Psalms 141:5 and Galatians 4:16, and should be interpreted as a synthesis. That is, if you love somebody, you should be brave enough, willing enough to confront that person about his errors and sins.)

Mind reading and negative interpretations

Scott Stanley and his co-authors of “A Lasting Legacy” warn their readers about a form of mind reading they call “negative interpretations.” This happens when one spouse thinks that he or she knows what the other spouse is thinking or the reasons why one spouse did or said a certain thing. Stanley et al say that positive mind reading tends not to cause any harm. But they warn against a spouse indulging in negative judgments about actions, thoughts and motives of the other spouse. Such a pattern of thinking, they say, leads to the destruction of a marriage or a relationship.

The question is, why do people indulge in mind reading or negative interpretations? Stanley and his co-authors say that people, by their fallen, sinful nature, have the tendency to look for proof that confirms what they have already concluded about what is true about what their spouses (or other people) have said or done. They call this “confirmation bias” and they say that even if people are completely wrong about their assumptions or interpretations, they will see only what they expect to see. In the vernacular, Filipinos would say, “Sabi ko nga ba eh!” when they engage in confirmation bias.

Dr. Eggerichs in his book “Love and Respect” emphasizes that men and women see things differently, or from blue and pink eyeglasses that color their interpretations of things. Eggerichs says that husbands should learn to look at things from the perspective of their wives and vice-versa.

People do tend to believe the worst about others or about events in their lives. An example would be the Old Testament patriarch Jacob in Genesis 42:35-38.

35. And it came to pass as they emptied their sacks, that, behold, every man's bundle of money was in his sack: and when both they and their father saw the bundles of money, they were afraid.
36. And Jacob their father said unto them, Me have ye bereaved of my children: Joseph is not, and Simeon is not, and ye will take Benjamin away: all these things are against me.
37. And Reuben spake unto his father, saying, Slay my two sons, if I bring him not to thee: deliver him into my hand, and I will bring him to thee again.
38. And he said, My son shall not go down with you; for his brother is dead, and he is left alone: if mischief befall him by the way in the which ye go, then shall ye bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave.

Notice the last part of verse 36 where Jacob says, “All these things are against me.” People really do believe the worst about their situations or about others. Or as someone has put it, “The only exercise some people do is jumping to conclusions.” People readily believe anything negative they hear about others (or even about their spouses) without taking the time to talk to the spouse or the person directly concerned about the point of misunderstanding, clarifying things without any preconceived judgments, and always giving the other person the benefit of the doubt.

It is true what the Bible says about there being safety in a multitude of counselors, but please do make sure that your so-called counselors do not have any hidden or selfish agenda when they say anything negative about an important person in your life. Always ask your so-called counselors, “Can you say directly and in person to my husband (or wife, or special someone) what you just told me?”  

If your so-called counselors don’t have the guts to say in person to your husband (or wife, or special someone) what they told you, then simply disregard whatever they have told you. Hold your judgments and conclusions until you have talked to the person concerned. Or, as Filipinos would say in the vernacular, “Huwag maniwala sa sabi-sabi!”

Maybe you have heard the term “due process” which is foundational to our system of law and justice. The term simply means, in the words of US Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr, “that which hears before it condemns.” In simpler words, fundamental fairness demands that you hear the other person out.

How so different from negative interpretations and mind reading is what the Apostle Paul said in I Corinthians 13: 4 – 7 about love, to wit,

4. Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5. Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6. Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7. Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Did you get that? Love thinks no evil (or does not engage in mind reading and negative interpretations, or in the vernacular, “hindi naniniwala sa sabi-sabi”). Love is not easily provoked (or does not readily believe anything negative said about a loved one without giving that loved one the benefit of the doubt and the chance to explain himself or herself). Love rejoices not in iniquity (or doesn’t engage in confirmation bias and says, in the vernacular, “Sabi ko nga ba eh!”).

The paragraph above sounds a little bit negative and harsh. Maybe because a lot of things I have said here hits too close to home, so to speak, right now. Maybe it’s because I’m going through a period when someone has made a negative interpretation of something I supposedly said or did, and that person has not given me the chance to hear me out. There’s really nothing I can do to stop that person from listening to the so-called counselors who have their hidden, selfish agenda (and who have in the past been proven wrong). That person is exercising volition, free will, choice …

But I must admit that I have done my own share of mind reading and negative interpretations in the past, and currently struggling to rid myself of these things so deeply ingrained in my fallen, sinful nature. It is a difficult struggle indeed for all of us. Perhaps A.W. Tozer said it best in his book, “The Pursuit of God” (copyright 1995 by Christian Publications) about the difficulty of putting our sins, our old nature to death:

“The ancient curse will not go out painlessly; the tough old miser within us will not lie down and die in obedience to our command. He must be torn out of our heart like a plant from the soil; he must be extracted in agony and blood like a tooth from the jaw. He must be expelled from our soul by violence, as Christ expelled the moneychangers from the temple. And we shall need to steel ourselves against his piteous begging and to recognize it as springing out of self-pity, one of the most reprehensible sins of the human heart.”

The joys of photography

As I told you last week, I’m reading through the book “A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan. The book is based on a program from the University of Denver known as Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) which has received extensive media coverage in the US. The book’s authors claim that it can be predicted with 80 to 91 percent accuracy which couples will have a good, stable marriage and which couples will end up in divorce.

I’m thoroughly enjoying reading this book. I’m learning about “XYZ” statements, differentiating between issues and events, the Gender Dance, the Speaker-Listener Technique … I have already finished reading the chapter on “Ground Rules on Protecting Your Marriage From Conflict” and I already have a title for my future review of this chapter - “Marriage: The Ultimate Fighting Championship.” (Some of you might know that the UFC is a very popular mixed martial arts competition shown on cable TV.) Once I get through the whole book, I will write a review of what I have learned.

It’s just really too bad that this book is not available locally. Maybe those folks from OMF Literature, PCBS, Christian Literature Crusade or the Church Strengthening Ministry can either import the book from the US or make arrangements to have it reprinted locally. This is one book Filipino couples (whether married or about to be) should read!

Anyway, let’s take a brief respite from discussing articles on the family, relationships and marriage, and focus on the world’s most popular hobby – photography. I have been posting articles on photojournalism in my Campus Connection blog . I started posting these articles in April 2006 and so most of the articles are already in the Archives section. You’ve got to dig the articles up by clicking the links in the Archives section on the right hand column of the blog. I suggest that you begin with the Introduction to Photography article and then work your way up through the articles. Just to whet your appetite, so to speak, below is a part of the Introduction.

World literature tells us the tragic story of Faust who vowed to bargain away his soul if he could find one perfect moment of happiness. He would eternally forfeit his soul if upon finding that one perfect moment of happiness, he would utter the words, “Stay, you are so beautiful.” He couldn’t find that happiness in his relationships, in society, in achievements, but he did find it in a small village by the sea, with the sun setting down, and mothers calling upon their small children to come back to their homes. In the simple joys of these village folks, Faust found his one perfect moment of happiness. At last, he said the words, “Stay, you are so beautiful!” and his soul was eternally forfeited.

Photography has the power to capture not only our perfect moments of love and happiness, but also searing images of cruelty and poverty. It has the power to preserve in a rectangular frame the beauty of a thousand sunsets, the joys of parents seeing their child just learning how to walk on its own, the sublime happiness of students graduating after four years of hard work and sacrifice.

Unlike Faust, however, we do not have to bargain away our souls in order to capture our perfect moments of happiness. We only have to pick up our cameras, look at the world through the viewfinder, and as life passes before our lenses, capture these perfect moments of happiness on film, as we say in our hearts and minds, “Stay, you are so beautiful!”

“Coming Attractions”

In sickness or in health; the Battered Woman Syndrome; a Christian guide to fighting for your marriage; dreary divorce statistics and sexy lingerie to create better marriages in Australia …

Sorry, men and women, but except for this rambling piece, I really don’t have a well thought out article for you this week. Mainly because I have been busy and have been sick … Let me recount my week for you.

One, I was busy this week judging the photojournalism contest for the Division Young Writers’ Conference for grade school students from Pasig City and San Juan.

Two, I acted as guest panelist for a group report in the Psychology 118 class of UP Diliman. Great reports, guys!

On my way to UP Diliman, a former co-teacher and his brother gave me a ride and on our way there, I counseled the brother on his marital woes and legal problems. He told me that his estranged wife (who once nearly choked him to death while he was suffering from asthma) now controls all their conjugal properties and he couldn’t get his share which he needs to get medical treatment.

Three, right after that sortie into UP Diliman, I took the LRT from Katipunan to SM Centerpoint in Sta. Mesa. I spent about an hour or two uploading some pictures for my Campus Connection blog and a primer on sexual harassment for my Legal Updates blog. I went home after 7 PM, troubled after reading an e-mail from a young woman in great emotional and spiritual distress, and seeking counseling from me over the betrayal of her trust by a person she had held in high esteem.

Four, Wednesday, after uploading pictures for my “Baptist Churches in the Philippines” blog, I talked with the president of the Asia Baptist Bible College about an Internet ministry and PDF newsletter that could possibly help the college.

Five, late Wednesday afternoon, I began feeling sick with fever and headaches. Since that time, I have been house bound and bedridden, down with … I don’t know what exact illness I have. Maybe I should consult Wikipedia. (I must have been hexed by the women who were offended by my article on Jang Geum!) And yesterday morning, I began to have some sneezing and a runny nose.

Thursday morning, I was feeling well enough to entertain a pastor from the province who visited me. But after listening to his personal problems and that of his church (unpaid amortizations for their lot for the past several months), the headaches and fever came back.

Last Friday night was the Music Fest of Bethany Makati’s Bible College with the special participation of the students from L.D. Woosley Bethany Colleges. I wanted to go and take pictures but you probably have heard that Biblical description – a willing spirit but a weakened flesh …

So I spent Friday night, covered up in a heavy T-shirt and jogging pants, watching the news, alternating between “24 Oras” and “TV Patrol.” A news item on “24 Oras” caught my attention and I thought that it would be a good article for my blogs. The news item (announced at the start of the program and repeated as “crawlers” at the bottom of the screen from time to time) said that the estranged wife of a popular host of a daily TV program on Channel 2, was suffering from “Battered Woman’s Syndrome.”

But I didn’t get to see and hear that particular news item since by 7 PM, my cute niece Chloe wanted to turn the TV to the Disney Channel so she could watch her favorite show “That’s so Raven.” Being the good and gracious and loving uncle that I am, I turned over the remote to Chloe.

Anyway, I will write one of these days a lengthy article on the “Battered Woman Syndrome.” RA 9262 or the “Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act of 2004” defines BWS as “a scientifically defined pattern of psychological and behavioral symptoms found in women living in battering relationships as a result of cumulative abuse.” Section 26 of RA 9262 discusses the “Battered Woman Syndrome” as a defense, to wit,

Victim-survivors who are found by the courts to be suffering from battered woman syndrome do not incur any criminal and civil liability notwithstanding the absence of any of the elements for justifying circumstances of self-defense under the Revised Penal Code.

In the determination of the state of mind of the woman who was suffering from battered woman syndrome at the time of the commission of the crime, the courts shall be assisted by expert psychiatrists/ psychologists.

Did you get that? If an abused woman kills or inflict physical injuries on her abusive husband or live-in partner, once the court determines that she is suffering from the “Battered Woman Syndrome”, the court will declare her not guilty. Wowowee!

Even before the passage of RA 9262 into law last March 2004, the Supreme Court had already applied the “Battered Woman Syndrome” in the case of Marivic Genosa, a Leyteña convicted of killing her husband. The Supreme Court, taking BWS as a mitigating circumstance, reduced Genosa’s penalty, and for time already served, Genosa was released from the Correctional Institution for Women in Mandaluyong sometime in January or February 2004.

I will also be writing for you an article on preventing the sexual abuse of children. Once I get well enough, I’ll start doing the research. That’s a promise.

One bit of good news I had last week was when I received as a gift some books from Bro. David Witta and his family, residents of Massachusetts, USA. Bro. David and his family are planning to retire here in the Philippines next year. These books are “A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan; “Who Moved the Goalpost?” by Bob Gresh; and “Pursuing the Pearl: The Quest for a Pure, Passionate Marriage” by Dannah Gresh.

“A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” is based on materials, research and a program from the University of Denver known as Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). This program has been extensively reported on by CNN and MNSBC, and by programs such as 20/20, 48 Hours, Good Morning America, Fox News, The Today Show and Oprah. The book’s authors claim that it can be predicted with 80 to 91 percent accuracy which couples will have a good, stable marriage and which couples will end up in divorce. In page 4, the authors say, “For many couples, the seeds of distress and a future divorce are there early in the marriage and, in many cases, before the couple even says, “I do.”

I have previously written, based on a Probe Ministries article, something about PREP. Please surf over to my article entitled “Why marriages fail: he said, she said …” Anyway, once I get through reading the book, I will write a longer review for you. It’s just too bad that “A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” is not available in local bookstores.

Maybe, men and women from Australia should begin importing thousands of copies of “A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” from the US and applying its proven principles. Last Sunday, the Bulletin carried an article about the dreary statistics on marriage breakups from Down Under. The article, datelined Sydney (dpa), cited the following statistics:

[1] Forty percent of marriages in Australia end in divorce

[2] The Australian government spends billions in supporting single-parent families and the social consequences of family breakdown.

[3] There are twice as many single mothers living on welfare compared to 20 years ago.

[4] One third of adult Australians are without a partner.

[5] Single parent households today comprise 10% of Australian families, double the rate 30 years ago.

So, what’s one of the solutions being offered to change this dismal state of marriage in Australia? Believe it or not, the article said that “a government subsidy on sexy underwear would cut divorce rates, boost birth rates and make Australia a happier nation.” This suggestion came from Gail Lee, proprietor of Leethal Fashion Accessories from her interview with Australia’s AAP news agency. Lee said, “We need something to help people to overcome these traumatic problems and subsidized lingerie would mean women would feel a lot better and their husbands will feel a lot better.”

Wowowee! Sexy lingerie, subsidized by the government, as a means of fighting divorce and creating stronger marriages … I think I’m beginning to feel a lot better now.

All about women …

Move over, Jang Geum!

I have a deep and dark confession to make to all of you.

Since last year, I have been completely out of touch with millions of Filipinos …

Okay, okay, enough already. I’m getting so melodramatic in this introduction that some of you might be jumping to wild conclusions about what this is all about. Actually, what I want to say is that last year, when millions of Filipinos were glued to their television sets nightly watching GMA 7’s “Jewel in the Palace” I didn’t have a clue what the fuss was all about. The Koreanovela began and ended, and all I got to view was a few minutes of the show while I was riding on a Crossing bound aircon bus traveling along Ayala Avenue.

The only inkling I had of the show’s enormous popularity was when I heard a well-known Filipino pastor speak at length in a world missions conference about how he was forced to watch the show (its stars like Jang Geum and various cooking techniques) simply because his wife adamantly refused to watch any other show during that time slot.

Well, I found about two or three weeks ago, while waiting for the 6:30 news on television, that due to enormous public demand, “Jewel in the Palace” was being aired again by GMA 7. I’m catching snatches here and there of the show, of Jang Geum and kitchen politics in the royal palace, while I’m channel surfing waiting for the news programs to come on. Truth to tell, I just can’t relate to a show where the men wear funny looking hats! Give me the telenovela “Gokusen” anytime! The only Korean words I know and like are Tae Kwon Do, Hwa Rang Do, Tang Soo Do, Kuk Sool Won and Hapkido.

(Some of you might know that all of these terms refer to Korean martial arts, with Hwa Rang Do founded by Joo Bang Lee, Tang Soo Do popularized in the US by Chuck Norris and his spinning back kick, and Hapkido featured in the 1970’s “Billy Jack” movies starring Tom Laughlin and Bong Soo Han.)

Anyway, I can’t argue with millions of Filipino women (and about several hundred men) who passionately follow the triumphs and travails of Jang Geum and who hold her up as the ideal woman. So if it suddenly becomes quiet in your neighborhood tonight, you’ll know that it’s Jang Geum time.

Sex is a gift of God that strengthens the marriage bond

While browsing in a used books stall in SM Centerpoint, Sta. Mesa, Manila more than a month ago, I found a book by Debra Evans entitled “The Christian Woman’s Guide to Sexuality” (copyright 1997; Published by Crossway Books). Okay, okay, I know some of you are now shaking your heads and wondering why I would be reading this kind of a book. Well, for two reasons. 

One, I will give this book as a gift to my future wife, whoever she might be by God's gracious provision. Two, I want to understand what makes women tick, so to speak. I think it was poet John Donne who said, “Every woman is a science.” In the 1970’s I had a National Science Development Board engineering scholarship in UP Diliman. I lost the scholarship when I failed Physics 41, Math 53, Engineering Science I, and barely passed Chem 17. Hmm, this must be the reason why I don’t understand women…

Evans, a healthcare educator specializing in women’s health issues and family wellness, clearly discusses, with charts and detailed illustrations, the practical, physical and physiological aspects of sex within marriage, the female anatomy, childbearing, family planning, etc. from a medical and Biblical viewpoint. In one of the annexes to her book, Evans summarizes the Judeo-Christian views of sex, in opposition to the humanistic and hedonistic views. Some of these views are:

A. Origin of human life: Humans were created in the image of their Creator God.

B. Purpose of sex: Sex is viewed as a means to an end: (1) The means through which “two become one flesh.” (2) To make the earth fruitful for God. (3) An end to “aloneness” and emotional isolation.

C. Acceptable forms of sexual expression: Sexual activity between a man and a woman within marriage only.

D. View of sex as it relates to the family: Sex is a gift of God that strengthens the marriage bond; children are viewed as a blessing, and certain forms of sexuality are viewed as destructive to sexual identity in all situations: adultery, prostitution, rape, promiscuity, incest, bestiality, homosexuality, pornography, exhibitionism.

E. Individual rights: An individual expresses his or her sexuality in accordance with the will of God as laid out in the Bible; he or she belongs to God. Each spouse’s body belongs to the other.

F. Belief in an afterlife: Beyond death lies heaven or hell, eternal life or eternal damnation.

G. Accountability: Each individual is accountable to a personal Creator for his or her choices, words or actions.

Menstruation and the Levitical law

The Old and New Testaments mention that a woman while having her menstrual period is considered as “unclean.” For a lot of people reading these Bible passages, especially Leviticus 15:19-21, 24 and 31, all this talk of a woman being “unclean” smacks of gross ignorance, chauvinism and prejudice against women. But Evans explains in pages 65 and 66 of her book the reasons for the Levitical prohibitions on touching an “unclean” woman or anything she uses or touches. Evans explains that the menstrual flow comes from the discharge from the endometrium and blood from the capillaries lining the uterus. This discharge leaves the female body in a clean state but becomes a medium for bacterial growth once it is exposed to air, leading to diseases and infections.  

Evans reminds her readers that at the time of the Levitical law, Jewish women lived in the desert, without a reliable source of water, without soap (invented only in the 1800’s) and definitely without the sanitary items women today can simply buy at any store. She says that the Levitical prohibitions were God's omniscient way of protecting the health of the Jewish people.

Except for her view on mutual submission, I highly endorse Debra Evans’ book to you. There’s a phrase Evans used twice or thrice in her book that completely took me by surprise by its frankness and uniqueness (she first used the phrase in page 77, if I remember correctly). The phrase is …. Nah, I can’t tell you in public, not like this! Read the book! Read the book!

Other books by Evans which you might be interested in are the following: Heart and Home; Beauty for Ashes; Preparing for Childbirth; Preparing for Childbirth; The Woman’s Complete Guide to Personal Health Care; Women of Character; Kindred Hearts; and, Blessing Your Husband.

Great materials from the Women Today Magazine website

One website which the women among you might be interested in is “Women Today Magazine” published, if I’m not mistaken, by Campus Crusade for Christ. There’s a link to this website from this blog; look for it on the right hand column. Okay, okay, I’ll make it easy for you. To get to Women Today Magazine website, just click here.

I’ve browsed the site and found it chock-full of great articles for women. Okay, okay, I know some of you are now definitely shaking your heads and wondering why I would be browsing this kind of a website. Well, for two reasons …

“What wives wish their husbands knew about women”

One book which you might really be interested in reading, whether you’re a man or a woman, is Dr. James Dobson’s “What wives wish their husbands knew about women” (copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc; published by Living Books). The book is a worldwide bestseller, having sold more than two million copies, and the words on the frontispiece really get your attention – “Women have needs men don’t understand.” In this book, Dobson enumerates and discusses the top ten problems women face:

1. Low self-esteem

2. Fatigue and time pressure

3. Loneliness, isolation, and boredom and absence of romantic love in marriage

4. Financial difficulties

5.Sexual problems in marriage

6. Menstrual and physiological problems

7. Problems with the children

8. Problems with in-laws

9. Aging

Number [3] in the enumeration above is actually a combination of two related problems – absence of romantic love leading to loneliness, isolation and boredom. The book is available locally in Christian bookstores like OMF Lit, PCBS, etc.

While Dobson wrote this book 31 years ago from a survey of American women, I would dare say that his findings and discussions still hold true today not only for Americans but also for Filipino women.

Bored, lonely housewives and the temptations of online affairs

When Dobson wrote this book in 1975, computers were clunky, room-sized contraptions powered by vacuum tubes (later on by transistors) and miles of electrical wiring. The Internet was then a highly technical tool used exclusively by the military and university researchers, and meant for making communicating with one another possible in case of a nuclear war. Today, 900 million people use the Internet (e-mail, websites and chat rooms) on a daily basis for professional, educational and personal purposes. Probe Ministries, in an article by Kerby Anderson, points out a danger that lonely and bored housewives are falling into, that is, online affairs or the allure of cyber-relationships. Anderson, citing the work of Peggy Vaughn, states:

Peggy Vaughn is the author of “The Monogamy Myth” and also serves as an expert for America Online on problems caused by infidelity. She predicts that one “role of the Internet in the future will be as a source of affairs.” She is writing a second book on the subject of adultery and says she could base half of it just on the letters she receives from people who started an affair online.

An online affair (or cyberaffair) is an intimate or sexually explicit communication between a married person and someone other than their spouse that takes place on the Internet. Usually this communication takes place through an online service such as America Online or CompuServe. Participants usually visit a chat room to begin a group conversation and then often move into a one-to-one mode of communication. Chat room categories range from “single and liking it” to “married and flirting” to “naked on the keyboard.”

Women in a chat room are often surprised at what develops in a fairly short period of time. At first the conversation is stimulating, though flirtatious. Quickly, however, women are often confronted with increasingly sexual questions and comments. Even if the comments don’t turn personal, women find themselves quickly sharing intimate information about themselves and their relationships that they would never share with someone in person. Peggy Vaughn says, “Stay-at-home moms in chat rooms are sharing all this personal stuff they are hiding from their partners.” She finds that the intensity of women’s online relationships can “quickly escalate into thinking they have found a soulmate.” [emphasis by boldfacing supplied - GTG]

Online affairs differ from physical world affairs in some ways, but are similar in others. Cyberaffairs are based upon written communication where a person may feel more free to express herself anonymously than in person. Frequently the communication becomes sexually graphic and kinky in ways that probably would not occur if a real person were hearing these comments and could act on them. Participants in an online affair will often tell their life stories and their innermost secrets. They will also create a new persona, become sexually adventurous, and pretend to be different than they really are. [emphasis by boldfacing supplied - GTG]

“A Woman Among The Pillars”

In a previous article “Why do men think the things they think, say the things they say, and do the things they do?”, I mentioned Stu Webber’s book “Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart” (reprinted locally by OMF Literature). As I mentioned in that article, Webber is a man’s man. After training as an Airborne Ranger, he fought in Vietnam with the battle-hardened 5th US Special Forces. A bonus part of Webber’s book is the postscript “A Woman Among The Pillars.” Here, Webber discusses the ways women can support the King Pillar of their husband’s hearts:

1. Read, learn, apply and learn.

2. Love unconditionally.

3. Listen intently.

4. Don’t expect him to meet all your emotional needs.

5. Understand the power you have.

6. See your husband as God’s gift to you.

7. Appreciate the little things he does, as well as the “big” things.

8. Give him some space.

9. Physically appreciate him.

10. Follow his leadership.

11. See your marriage as a journey, not a destination.

The definitive woman

Anyway, we really don’t have far to go if we want a portrait of the definitive woman, to know what the ideal wife is and what she does for her husband and children. We only have to pick up our Bible, open it up to the Old Testament and turn to Proverbs chapter 31. Not much is known about King Lemuel according to Bible scholars, but it is a common mistake to say that he wrote Proverbs 31. If you look closely at verse 1, you’ll know that these words were given and taught to him by his mother.

Proverbs 31, King James Version
10. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
11. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
13. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
14. She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
15. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
16. She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
17. She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
18. She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
19. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
21. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
23. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
24. She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
25. Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
29. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
30. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
31. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

Hey, in case you didn’t notice, with the woman described in Proverbs 31 above, there aren’t any issues of low self-esteem, loneliness, boredom, the lack of romantic love … Perhaps, Dr. Dobson, in pages 185 and 186 of his book, best sums it all up when he states:

We have been examining, I believe, a single problem with ten different manifestations. Simply stated, the family was designed by God Almighty to have a specific purpose and function: when it operates as intended, the emotional and physical needs of husbands, wives and children are met in a beautiful relationship of symbiotic love. But when the function is inhibited or destroyed, then every member of the family experiences the discomfort of unmet needs … When the family conforms to God’s blueprint, then self-esteem is available for everyone – which satisfies romantic aspirations – which abolishes loneliness, isolation and boredom – which contributes to sexual fulfillment – which binds the marriage together in fidelity – which provides security for children – which gives parents a sense of purpose – which contributes to self-esteem once more. The chain has no weak links. It reveals the beauty of God’s own creation, as does the rest of his universe.

Well, well, well, Jang Geum, Jewel in the Palace and all about women … Hmm, I wonder, has Jang Geum written a book? Does she have a website? Let me find out and I’ll get right back to you …

“Fearfully and Wonderfully Made”

A primer on the Newborn Screening Act of 2004

Dr. Paul Brand, world-renowned surgeon specializing in the treatment of leprosy, in collaboration with popular author Philip Yancey, has written two best-selling books, namely “In His Image” and “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made.” Both of these books have been reprinted by Christian Literature Crusade and are thus available at affordable prices in Christian bookstores (OMF Lit, PCBS, Back to the Bible, etc) and at National Bookstore branches.

(I have read both of these books and have found them to be full of interesting tidbits of information. I can’t recall the exact passage but in one portion, Brand and Yancey discuss why a world-class female sprinter, because of her physical make-up, cannot outrun a world-class male sprinter. In another portion, Brand and Yancey say that high heeled, sharply pointed shoes aren’t right for women because they go against the way the human foot is designed. Hey, what can I say? My mind gets caught up in trivia like these!)

The title of Brand and Yancey’s book “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made” is taken from Psalms chapter 139, King James Version, specifically verse 14. Below is the complete text of Psalms 139.

Psalms 1391. O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.
5. Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
6. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
7. Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8. If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10. Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12. Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
13. For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
14. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
18. If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
19. Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
20. For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
21. Do not I hate them, O Lord, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?
22. I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.
23. Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
24. And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I think it was Rabindranath Tagore, Indian poet, who said decades ago that “Every child comes with the hope that God is not yet through with mankind.” Since Tagore said these words however, abortion has been the scourge of millions of the unborn. It is estimated that there are 50 million abortions every year worldwide. (Probe Ministries has a very interesting article on the long term effects of post-abortion trauma).

Psalms 139 poetically but forcefully reminds us that even that tiny, pin-prick fertilized egg inside a woman’s body has infinite value in the eyes of its Creator.

A very positive, recent development in our laws is the promulgation into law of Republic Act 9288 or the Newborn Screening Act of 2004. You can find the complete text of RA 9288 in my website www.familymatters.org.ph. Please surf over to my Legal Updates blog for a primer on RA 9288.

A primer on RA 8972 or the Solo Parents Welfare Act of 2000

Last March 19, I gave a 3-hour legal seminar for the single parents group of a PCEC-affiliated church in Quezon City. Known as the Single Parents For Christ (SPARC), the group is composed of some 20 to 30 women who are single parents for various reasons - widowhood, separation from their husbands, grandparents left to take care of grandkids as the parents are working abroad, etc. We had a fruitful afternoon discussing the essential provisions of the Family Code of the Philippines, RA 9262 or the Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act of 2004, and RA 8972 or the Solo Parents’ Welfare Act of 2000. If you’d like to know more about this group of dear ladies, please surf to their website http://pcecsparc.multiply.com.

While browsing at the new OMF Lit bookstore in Boni Avenue in Mandaluyong, I saw a book entitled, if I remember correctly, “On Single Parenting” published by Zondervan, priced at around two hundred eighty pesos. Once I get a copy of the book, I will do a review on it here in this blog. (You might also be interested in the video “Si Nanay Ay Si Tatay” available at House of Praise outlets.)

Anyway, for now, if you want to know more about our country’s solo parents’ law, please surf over to my Legal Updates weblog.