“Fearfully and wonderfully made”

Laws, facts and statistics on abortions in the Philippines; hope and help for the hurting

In the 1970’s, a college friend confided to me that she feared her boyfriend had gotten her pregnant. She said that if indeed she was pregnant, she would not resort to abortion. She did not want to follow the example of a friend who, caught in the same situation, heeded the advice of one of our college professors to get an abortion. She asked me not to tell her boyfriend about what was happening to her and for help in getting into a halfway house for unwed mothers.

The Bible explicitly upholds the sanctity of life, even of the unborn. Perhaps the Bible’s most eloquent statement on how God regards the unborn is Psalm 139 which goes like this:

1. O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether. 5. Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
6. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
7. Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8. If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10. Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12. Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
13. For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
14. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
18. If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

Despite being predominantly Catholic, the Philippines has not been spared from the scourge of abortion. It is quite ironic that Filipinas who cannot afford fees charged by doctors in illicit abortions turn to the Quiapo Church or to one of several other churches around the country near which abortifacients are sold.

Consider the following facts and statistics:

[1] In 2005, there were some 400,000 to 500,000 abortions in the Philippines. The World Health Organization estimate puts the figure at nearly 800,000, one of the highest rates of unsafe abortions in Asia.

[2] Seventy percent of unwanted pregnancies in the Philippines end in abortion, according to the WHO. Pro-Life Philippines, an anti-abortion group, says that one of four pregnancies in the Philippines end in abortion.

[3] According to the Department of Health, nearly 100,000 women who have unsafe abortions every year end up in the hospital.

[4] As many as 17 percent of all unsafe abortions are done on teenage or young mothers, according to the DOH.

[5] The national abortion ratio in 2000 was 18, meaning that 18 of every 100 pregnancies (live births and abortions) ended in abortion; the low estimate is 16 and the high estimate is 21.

[6] Manila has the highest proportion of pregnancies ending in abortion (one in three), compared with about one in five in the rest of Luzon and about one in eight in Visayas and Mindanao.

[7] 36 percent of Filipino women become pregnant before marriage and 45 percent of all pregnancies are either unwanted or ill-timed, according to the World Health Organization.

[8] About 4 in 5 abortions in the Philippines are for economic reasons, according to a survey by the University of the Philippines. In many cases, said Jocelyn Pacete, a spokeswoman for Likhaan, a women's health group based in Manila, "the mother can't afford another child, so ends up choosing her five living children over the fetus in her womb."

[9] Doctors who perform abortions clandestinely in clinics typically charge 2,000 to 5,000 pesos, or $37 to $93, according to one report.

[10] In Quiapo, the best-selling abortifacient is Cytotec, a drug for ulcers. Before it was banned largely through the lobbying efforts of Pro-Life Philippines, Cytotec could be bought over the counter for 20 pesos. Today, it sells on the black market for 50 to 120 pesos per tablet. Most of the Cytotec now circulating is smuggled in from South Korea and Bangkok

These facts and statistics are from Philippines abortion crisis; Religious women turn to illegal procedures, by Carlos H. Conde, International Herald Tribune, Asia-Pacific, May 16, 2005, and from The Incidence of Induced Abortion in the Philippines: Current Level and Recent Trends, by Fatima Juarez, Josefina Cabigon, Susheela Singh and Rubina Hussain; International Family Planning Perspectives, Volume 31, Number 3, September 2005.

Abortion is illegal in the Philippines

The 1987 Constitution of the Philippines, specifically, Sec. 12, Art. II, pronounces that “the State shall equally protect the life of the mother and the life of the unborn from conception.”

Decades before the 1987 Constitution, the New Civil Code of the Philippines contained provisions protecting the unborn. These provisions are:

Art. 40. Birth determines personality; but the conceived child shall be considered born for all purposes that are favorable to it, provided it be born later with the conditions specified in the following article.

Art. 41. For civil purposes, the fetus is considered born if it is alive at the time it is completely delivered from the mother’s womb. However, if the fetus had an intra-uterine life of less than seven months, it is not deemed born if it dies within twenty four hours after its complete delivery from the maternal womb.

The Revised Penal Code has several provisions penalizing abortion. These are:

• Article 255 Infanticide
• Article 256 Intentional abortion
• Article 257 Unintentional abortion
• Article 258 Abortion practiced by the woman herself or by her parents
• Article 259 Abortion practiced by a physician or midwife and dispensing of abortives

HB 3227 (The Moses Law): stopping abortion and child abuse

House Bill 3227 or “The Safe Haven Act or The Moses Law” (authored by Rep. Eduardo Zialcita) permits parents to entrust the custody of their babies, who are up to two months old, to any hospital, medical emergency facility, police or fire station and other government agencies.

The “unwanted” babies will then be taken into the custody the Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD). The parents will not be required to give their names to the recipient of the child, and will be protected from arrest. Rep. Zialcita said he filed the bill “to address the moral degeneration of society as a result of the tragedies caused by abortion, child abuse, neglect and other forms of anti-life and anti-child acts.”

Insightful articles and helpful websites on the issue of abortion

I highly recommend to you the following articles and websites on the issue of abortion:

• Abortion, by Sue Bohlin
• Arguments Against Abortion, by Kerby Anderson
• Partial Birth Abortion, by Kerby Anderson

Jennilyn and Patrick, Inah and Vince ... Stay public and stay vertical!

Okay, okay, I cannot help but be updated on showbiz news. I am a news junkie and 6:30 every night, I turn on the TV to watch GMA 7’s 24 Oras, ABS-CBN’s TV Patrol, CNN, and BBC, not necessarily in that order. I must admit that I am partial to GMA 7 simply because I love watching Pia Guanio, the entertainment segment host and the third most beautiful woman in the universe. Anyway, unlike CNN and BBC, Philippine news programs combine hard news with entertainment news (leading to what one person has described as the “tabloidization” of the Filipino people).

Well, tonight, besides learning about a freak storm at the onset of the summer season, Jun Lozada snubbing a DOJ investigation, people lining up again for NFA rice, convicted Magdalo officers asking for presidential pardon, I also learned about the upcoming wedding of Inah, the eldest daughter of Sen. Bong Revilla and Lani Mercado, to childhood sweetheart Vince del Rosario. Inah is 18 while Vince is about the same age. Oh, by the way, Inah is reportedly four months pregnant.

In previous weeks, we have been treated to the real-life soap opera between a pregnant and unwed Jennilyn Mercado and her ex-boyfriend Patrick Garcia. Months ago, there were of course Dennis Trillo, beauty queen Carlene (her surname escapes me right now) and another actress. Now it’s Inah and Vince. In an interview (with either Channel 2 or 7), Sen. Revilla candidly admitted that he and his wife were remiss in their duties as parents.

Teenaged pregnancies are really nothing new. Dr. James Dobson, I think, said that a million teenagers in the US get pregnant every year. In the Philippines, according to the 2003 National Demographic and Health Survey, one out of four women become mothers by age 19 while four out of 10 women in the 20 to 24-year-old bracket have already engaged in sexual activity.

I have previously reviewed Dannah Gresh’s Purefreedom book and website. If you are a parent of a teenaged son or daughter, you might want to re-read that article. Dannah sums up in one striking expression one rule teenagers should know and parents should teach. She advises young people to “Stay vertical and stay public!” Plus, I highly recommend to you two programs for teens, True Love Waits and Silver Ring Thing.

Urban legends on marriage and separation in the Philippines

The dictionary defines “urban legend” as “an apocryphal, secondhand story told as true, plausible enough to be believed, and likely to be framed as a cautionary tale, about some horrific, embarrassing, ironic, or exasperating series of events that supposedly happened to a real person.” That’s quite a mouthful but simply stated, an urban legend can mean a story or an idea that is widely believed but which lacks any factual basis. 

Here in the Philippines, certain ideas about marriage and separation of spouses have achieved the status of urban legends. These are:

[1] If husband and wife have not seen each other for more than seven years, their marriage is already void.

[2] A husband and wife can declare in a notarized document that they are free to marry other persons and they will not file charges against each other.

I have previously discussed how seriously mistaken these ideas are in two articles in my Legal Updates blog. I am surprised by how widely believed these things are among Filipinos and so I am reprinting both articles in this post. Okay, here we go!

If husband and wife have not seen each other for more than seven years, does it mean that their marriage is already void?

It is not accurate to say that if spouses have not seen or communicated with each other for more than seven years that the marriage is terminated automatically or is considered void. In situations where one spouse has not seen for a number of years or does not know what has happened to the other spouse, he or she must file a petition asking the court to declare the missing spouse as presumptively dead for purposes of remarriage.

The Family Code, specifically Articles 41 to 44, deals with the declaration of presumptive death for purposes of remarriage. There are a lot of misconceptions however about this part of the Family Code. Please let me explain.

[1] Article 40 provides that persons cannot take the law into their own hands and simply declare by themselves that their marriage is null and void. A person wanting to remarry must first obtain a court decision declaring the previous marriage null and void before getting married again.

[2] The Family Code only provides for a period of two years (extraordinary absence like in war, shipwreck, storm, etc) or four years (ordinary absence) for a person to be able to go to court and file a petition for declaration of presumptive death of the missing spouse. The seven years separation that people usually refer to was previously provided for by the New Civil Code.

[3] The court will however require the petitioner to present proof that he or she exerted earnest and diligent efforts to locate the whereabouts of the missing spouse. These efforts include asking the police or NBI for help in locating the missing spouse, using the media like newspapers or radio, etc. The court will deny the petition if the petitioner cannot present such evidence of earnest and diligent efforts to locate the missing spouse.

[4] If the court declares the missing spouse as presumptively dead, then the petitioner will be able to remarry.

[5] But the problem is if any person (friend, relative, barangay official, etc) discovers that the missing spouse is really alive, then that person can file an affidavit of reappearance with the Local Civil Registrar. If the petitioner had already gotten married, then that subsequent marriage is automatically terminated. This is provided for by Article 42 of the FC.

Posted below are the specific provisions of the Family Code on this matter:

Art. 40. The absolute nullity of a previous marriage may be invoked for purposes of remarriage on the basis solely of a final judgment declaring such previous marriage void. (n)

Art. 41. A marriage contracted by any person during subsistence of a previous marriage shall be null and void, unless before the celebration of the subsequent marriage, the prior spouse had been absent for four consecutive years and the spouse present has a well-founded belief that the absent spouse was already dead. In case of disappearance where there is danger of death under the circumstances set forth in the provisions of Article 391 of the Civil Code, an absence of only two years shall be sufficient.
For the purpose of contracting the subsequent marriage under the preceding paragraph the spouse present must institute a summary proceeding as provided in this Code for the declaration of presumptive death of the absentee, without prejudice to the effect of reappearance of the absent spouse. (83a)

Art. 42. The subsequent marriage referred to in the preceding Article shall be automatically terminated by the recording of the affidavit of reappearance of the absent spouse, unless there is a judgment annulling the previous marriage or declaring it void ab initio.


A sworn statement of the fact and circumstances of reappearance shall be recorded in the civil registry of the residence of the parties to the subsequent marriage at the instance of any interested person, with due notice to the spouses of the subsequent marriage and without prejudice to the fact of reappearance being judicially determined in case such fact is disputed. (n)

Art. 43. The termination of the subsequent marriage referred to in the preceding Article shall produce the following effects:

(1) The children of the subsequent marriage conceived prior to its termination shall be considered legitimate;

(2) The absolute community of property or the conjugal partnership, as the case may be, shall be dissolved and liquidated, but if either spouse contracted said marriage in bad faith, his or her share of the net profits of the community property or conjugal partnership property shall be forfeited in favor of the common children or, if there are none, the children of the guilty spouse by a previous marriage or in default of children, the innocent spouse;

(3) Donations by reason of marriage shall remain valid, except that if the donee contracted the marriage in bad faith, such donations made to said donee are revoked by operation of law;

(4) The innocent spouse may revoke the designation of the other spouse who acted in bad faith as beneficiary in any insurance policy, even if such designation be stipulated as irrevocable; and

(5) The spouse who contracted the subsequent marriage in bad faith shall be disqualified to inherit from the innocent spouse by testate and intestate succession.(n)

Art. 44. If both spouses of the subsequent marriage acted in bad faith, said marriage shall be void ab initio and all donations by reason of marriage and testamentary dispositions made by one in favor of the other are revoked by operation of law. (n)

Can a husband and wife in a notarized document declare that they are free to marry other persons and they will not file charges against each other?

Several individuals, either personally or by e-mail, have asked me about situations where the husband and wife have decided to call it quits after a long period of physical separation, physical or psychological abuse, or because of the loss of love for each other. Instead of going through the judicial process of having their marriage declared null and void, however, the husband and wife have asked a lawyer-notary public (in some instances, barangay officials or even a judge) to prepare and notarize a document where they have declared that both parties are now free to marry other persons and that they will not file charges of adultery or concubinage against each other. The question I have been asked is, Is this document legally valid?

The Supreme Court has ruled consistently as far back as 1933 (that’s 75 years ago!) in the case of Panganiban vs. Borromeo 58 Phil. 367 that such documents are illegal, immoral and void because they undermine and subvert the institution of marriage. Judges, lawyers and notaries-public who have prepared and signed such documents have been reprimanded severely (in terms of suspension or disbarment) by the Court. And yet, either because of ignorance or misconceptions of the law by the man on the street or by the desire of some lawyers-notaries public to make a fast buck, this kind of agreement and document still seem to be floating around.

Below are excerpts from the 1976 decision of the Supreme Court in the case of “Redentor Albano, complainant, vs. Municipal Judge Patrocinio C. Gapusan of Dumalneg, Ilocos Norte, responden”. In this case, Judge Gapusan (before his appointment to the judiciary) prepared and notarized a document providing for the personal separation of husband and wife and the extrajudicial liquidation of their conjugal partnership. The Supreme Court censured Judge Gapusan for his act of preparing and notarizing such a document.

Redentor Albano in a verified complaint dated August 18, 1975 charged Municipal Judge Patrocinio C. Gapusan of Dumalneg and Adams, Ilocos Norte (1) with incompetence and Ignorance of the law for having prepared and notarized a document providing for the personal separation of husband and wife and the extrajudicial liquidation of their conjugal partnership and (2) with having allegedly influenced Judge Zacarias A. Crispin of the Court of First Instance of Ilocos Norte in deciding two criminal cases.

In 1941 or five years before his appointment to the bench, respondent Gapusan notarized a document for the personal separation of the spouses Valentina Andres and Guillermo Maligta of Barrio 6, Vintar, Ilocos Norte and for the extrajudicial liquidation of their conjugal partnership.

It was stipulated in that document that if either spouse should commit adultery or concubinage, as the case may be, then the other should refrain from filing an action against the other.
Judge Gapusan denied that he drafted the agreement. He explained that the spouses had been separated for a long time when they signed the separation agreement and that the wife had begotten children with her paramour. He said that there was a stipulation in the agreement that the spouses would live together in case of reconciliation. His belief was that the separation agreement forestalled the occurrence of violent incidents between the spouses.

Albano in filing the malpractice charge is in effect asking this Court to take belated disciplinary action against Judge Gapusan as a member of the bar or as a notary. (He was admitted to the bar in 1937).

There is no question that the covenants contained in the said separation agreement are contrary to law, morals and good customs (Biton vs. Momongan, 62 Phil. 7). Those stipulations undermine the institutions of marriage and the family, "Marriage is not a mere contract but an inviolable social institution". "The family is a basic social institution which public policy cherishes and protects." (Arts. 52 and 216, Civil Code). Marriage and the family are the bases of human society throughout the civilized world (Adong vs. Cheong Seng Gee, 43 Phil. 43; Ramirez vs. Gmur, 42 Phil. 855, 864; Goitia vs. Campos Rueda, 35 Phil. 252, 254; Brown vs. Yambao, 102 Phil. 168).

To preserve the institutions of marriage and the family, the law considers as void "any contract for personal separation between husband and wife" and "every extrajudicial agreement, during the marriage, for the dissolution of the conjugal partnership" (Art. 221, Civil Code). Before the new Civil Code, it was held that the extrajudicial dissolution of the conjugal partnership without judicial sanction was void (Quintana vs. Lerma, 24 Phil. 285; De Luna vs. Linatoc, 74 Phil. 15).

A notary should not facilitate the disintegration of a marriage and the family by encouraging the separation of the spouses and extrajudically dissolving the conjugal partnership. Notaries were severely censured by this Court for notarizing documents which subvert the institutions of marriage and the family (Selanova vs. Mendoza, Adm. Matter No. 804-CJ, May 19, 1975, 64 SCRA 69; Miranda vs. Fuentes, Adm. Case No. 241, April 30, 1966, 16 SCRA 802; Biton vs. Momongan, supra,, Panganiban vs. Borromeo, 58 Phil. 367; In re Santiago, 70 Phil. 66; Balinon vs. De Leon, 94 Phil. 277).

Respondent Gapusan as a member of the bar should be censured for having notarized the void separation agreement already mentioned.
(Emphasis by boldfacing supplied)

Can a husband and wife in a notarized document declare that they are free to marry other persons and they will not file charges against each other?

Several persons, either in person or by e-mail, have asked me about situations where the husband and wife have decided to call it quits after a long period of physical separation, physical or psychological abuse, or because of the loss of love for each other. Instead of going through the judicial process of having their marriage declared null and void, however, the husband and wife have asked a lawyer-notary public (in some instances, barangay officials or even a judge) to prepare and notarize a document where they have declared that both parties are now free to marry other persons and that they will not file charges of adultery or concubinage against each other. The question I have been asked is, Is this document legally valid?

The Supreme Court has ruled consistently as far back as 1933 (that’s 75 years ago!) in the case of Panganiban vs. Borromeo 58 Phil. 367 that such documents are illegal, immoral and void because they undermine and subvert the institution of marriage. Judges, lawyers and notaries-public who have prepared and signed such documents have been reprimanded severely (in terms of suspension or disbarment) by the Court. And yet, either because of ignorance or misconceptions of the law by the man on the street or by the desire of some lawyers-notaries public to make a fast buck, this kind of agreement and document still seem to be floating around.

Below are excerpts from the 1976 decision of the Supreme Court in the case of “Redentor Albano, complainant, vs. Municipal Judge Patrocinio C. Gapusan of Dumalneg, Ilocos Norte, responden”. In this case, Judge Gapusan (before his appointment to the judiciary) prepared and notarized a document providing for the personal separation of husband and wife and the extrajudicial liquidation of their conjugal partnership. The Supreme Court censured Judge Gapusan for his act of preparing and notarizing such a document.

Redentor Albano in a verified complaint dated August 18, 1975 charged Municipal Judge Patrocinio C. Gapusan of Dumalneg and Adams, Ilocos Norte (1) with incompetence and Ignorance of the law for having prepared and notarized a document providing for the personal separation of husband and wife and the extrajudicial liquidation of their conjugal partnership and (2) with having allegedly influenced Judge Zacarias A. Crispin of the Court of First Instance of Ilocos Norte in deciding two criminal cases.

In 1941 or five years before his appointment to the bench, respondent Gapusan notarized a document for the personal separation of the spouses Valentina Andres and Guillermo Maligta of Barrio 6, Vintar, Ilocos Norte and for the extrajudicial liquidation of their conjugal partnership.

It was stipulated in that document that if either spouse should commit adultery or concubinage, as the case may be, then the other should refrain from filing an action against the other.
Judge Gapusan denied that he drafted the agreement. He explained that the spouses had been separated for a long time when they signed the separation agreement and that the wife had begotten children with her paramour. He said that there was a stipulation in the agreement that the spouses would live together in case of reconciliation. His belief was that the separation agreement forestalled the occurrence of violent incidents between the spouses.

Albano in filing the malpractice charge is in effect asking this Court to take belated disciplinary action against Judge Gapusan as a member of the bar or as a notary. (He was admitted to the bar in 1937).

There is no question that the covenants contained in the said separation agreement are contrary to law, morals and good customs (Biton vs. Momongan, 62 Phil. 7). Those stipulations undermine the institutions of marriage and the family, "Marriage is not a mere contract but an inviolable social institution". "The family is a basic social institution which public policy cherishes and protects." (Arts. 52 and 216, Civil Code). Marriage and the family are the bases of human society throughout the civilized world (Adong vs. Cheong Seng Gee, 43 Phil. 43; Ramirez vs. Gmur, 42 Phil. 855, 864; Goitia vs. Campos Rueda, 35 Phil. 252, 254; Brown vs. Yambao, 102 Phil. 168).

To preserve the institutions of marriage and the family, the law considers as void "any contract for personal separation between husband and wife" and "every extrajudicial agreement, during the marriage, for the dissolution of the conjugal partnership" (Art. 221, Civil Code). Before the new Civil Code, it was held that the extrajudicial dissolution of the conjugal partnership without judicial sanction was void (Quintana vs. Lerma, 24 Phil. 285; De Luna vs. Linatoc, 74 Phil. 15).

A notary should not facilitate the disintegration of a marriage and the family by encouraging the separation of the spouses and extrajudically dissolving the conjugal partnership. Notaries were severely censured by this Court for notarizing documents which subvert the institutions of marriage and the family (Selanova vs. Mendoza, Adm. Matter No. 804-CJ, May 19, 1975, 64 SCRA 69; Miranda vs. Fuentes, Adm. Case No. 241, April 30, 1966, 16 SCRA 802; Biton vs. Momongan, supra,, Panganiban vs. Borromeo, 58 Phil. 367; In re Santiago, 70 Phil. 66; Balinon vs. De Leon, 94 Phil. 277).

Respondent Gapusan as a member of the bar should be censured for having notarized the void separation agreement already mentioned.
(Emphasis by boldfacing supplied)

And the two shall become one …

But which one?
Okay, okay, I am sure you have heard this joke before. What is not a joke however is the dreary state of the institution of marriage in these days. The DSWD has reported that 40% of the couples in CALABARZON are merely living in. That translates to about 90,000 couples who either do not believe in marriage or who are legally married to persons other than their current partners.

Since December 2005 when I started giving free legal information and Biblical counseling through my Family Matters website, more than 500 persons have e-mailed me availing of this service. Probably 80% of my counselees have been women who [1] have been abandoned by their husband and who want to know how to get financial support; or [2] want to escape from their marriage or an abusive relationship. Truly, marriage is the most difficult human relationship.

The reality of conflict in marriages

You see, there will always be conflicts between a man and a woman within the framework of marriage. Genesis 3: 16 says, “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” Some people have said that the expression “thy desire shall be to thy husband” refers to a woman’s sexual desire for her husband, but we know that in a lot of situations that desire isn’t there.

Conservative theologians like Woodrow Kroll say (correctly, in my opinion) that Genesis 3:16 should be read in relation with Genesis 4: 7 which states, “If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.” These theologians say that the expression “unto thee shall be his desire” in Genesis 4:7 is similar in words and grammar as Genesis 3:16.

Thus, the proper interpretation of “thy desire shall be unto thy husband” is that there will be conflicts and struggles between a husband and a wife in their sinful state as the woman tries to wrest control over the relationship divinely ordained for the man. (Please read my article on “The Myth of Mutual Submission” for more on this issue.)

The reality of conflict even in Christian marriages

Three years ago, I talked with a newly married woman, offering to lend her my copy of Dr. Willard Harley’s book “Love Busters, Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love.” Incredibly, she said that she didn’t need to read it, or any book on marriage and relationships for that matter, because her marriage was “God-ordained.”

Contrast this naive belief with what Debra Evans says in her book “The Christian Woman’s Guide to Sexuality” (copyright 1997; published by Crossway Books, a division of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois). Speaking to wives about the realities of marriage, Evans says in page xiv,

“Marriage requires our strenuous commitment – a continuing, conscious effort to remain open and obedient to God’s transforming work in our lives – over a period, in many cases, of hundreds of months and thousands of days. A successive series of seasons will bring changes, some welcome and some not, to the cherished bond we share with our husbands. Adapting across a span of years takes us deep into the hidden places of our hearts.”

Together ... forever!

Or as Anne Kristin Carroll says in page 168 of her book “Together Forever” (a Zondervan book), “The best marriages are still made up of two human beings, and as much as they may love each other, at some time, or some place, they will disappoint one another.”
Carroll knows whereof she speaks. Divorced at 18 from her childhood sweetheart, she met and married another man at age twenty-one. She eventually got divorced again but by God’s grace, she reconciled with and remarried that same man.

“Together Forever” was first published in 1982; that was a year after martial law was lifted in the Philippines, and I was just beginning my teaching career in Dona Aurora High School in San Mateo, Rizal. Despite the passage of some twenty five years however, Carroll’s insights and advice have remained solid and relevant.

The bulk of her book is divided into chapters discussing the different problems (and solutions, thankfully) in marriage These problems and some of their symptoms are:

[1] Marriage Without Christ: lives with constant problems and no solutions; the Sunday Christians; intellectual understanding of Christ and God’s purpose for Him with no personal relationship; lives which fail to produce the fruit of the Spirit – gentleness, peace, forgiving nature, kindness; a self-righteous attitude; general resentment against life.

[2] Poor Self-Image = Poor Marriage : adultery; suicidal tendencies; feelings of inferiority; constant state of apology; materialism; depression, fear, insecurity; withdrawal; the perfectionist; critical spirit; constant search for approval; inability to trust God.

[3] God Accepts Your Mate. Why Can’t You? : critical attitude towards the spouse and others; constantly comparing one’s spouse with another; adultery; alcoholism; communication breakdown; sexual failure; superior or self-righteous attitude.

[4] The Communication Blackout : constant misunderstanding; singular or mutual distrust; resentment; game-playing; mask-wearing; mates who talk too much; continual superficial conversation; emotional divorce.

[5] Who Wears the Pants? : hostility and strife in the home; aggressive, insecure female; withdrawn male; overbearing male; rebellious children; open or suppressed frustration.

[6] Sex Was God’s Idea : total disinterest; overemphasis on the physical; feminine or masculine manipulation; unconfessed guilt; jealousy; impotence, sterility; unsettled differences.

[7] The Big “I” : stubborn spirit; unforgiving nature; rebellion to God’s authority; restlessness and frustration; critical or cynical attitude; loneliness; withdrawal and daydreaming.

Emotional barriers to happiness in marriage

Carroll in Chapter 12 of her book tackles the “Emotional Barriers to Happiness and How To Overcome Them.” These barriers which Carroll describes as the most common problems, trials, strains and everyday annoyances of marriage, are the following:

• How should you respond when you have made a mistake?
• How am I to react when my mate fails, sins, or disappoints me?
• How should criticism be given?
• How do I deal with anger and arguments?
• How to deal with depression?
• How do you respond to a mate filled with mental-attitude sins?
• How can I get my mate to admire and praise me?
• How am I to deal with temptations which come into my life?
• How do I handle fear?
• How do I deal with boredoms in my life?
• How do I handle sleepless nights and insomnia?
• How to handle general irritations and problems?
• What exactly is faith and how do I put it into practice?
• How can I learn to trust my mate who has so often lied, cheated or rejected me? How can I trust my mate who has committed adultery when he or she is out of my sight?
• What do I do about my husband who is in the armed services and away from home much of the time?
• What about in-laws?

What distinguishes Carroll’s book from other books on marriage and relationships written by psychologists and counselors is found in her Afterword entitled “The Survivor’s Reward.” Reflecting on the true nature of marriage and what life really is all about, Carroll states:

How we moment by moment think, act, and relate with our mates is either God’s way, which is pure gold, or our way, which amounts to wood, hay and stubble and will be discarded and burned up when we stand before God.

Use every opportunity to present Him through thought, word, and action to your mate, children, family, and a lost world. What opportunities, what rewards, if you are only faithful! And what joy! Yes, joy, because in Jesus there is total, complete, fulfilling joy – now and for all eternity. These are just some of the heavenly rewards promised to those totally committed to Him.

Saving your marriage alone

Carroll ends her book with words of encouragement and affirmation for the person struggling, often alone, to save his or her marriage. She says, “Regardless of the strain on your relationship – adultery, incest, drugs, alcohol, homosexuality, divorce, etc. – with God, no relationship is beyond transformation, beyond hope. With God all things are possible and victory awaits you.” She then quotes the Apostle Paul’s words in I Corinthians 13:

1. Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not love, I am nothing.
3. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not love, it profiteth me nothing.
4. Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5. Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6. Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7. Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8. Love never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13. And now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Real relationships: how to make bad relationships better and good relationships great

“Today more than ever, people long for connection.”

This line comes from the best-selling book “Relationships” written by world-renowned marriage counselors Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. The book was first published in 1998, and their words are even more true today, as proved by the dozens of social networking sites on the Internet (like Friendster, Facebook, etc) with hundreds of millions of registered users.

The copy of “Relationships” that I have right now is my second. Several years ago, I gave my first copy to the love of my life. She is the second most beautiful woman in the universe. Who is the most beautiful woman in the universe, you ask? Well, who else but movie actress Angel Locsin!

I have owned and read several other books by Drs. Les and Leslie like “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts,” “Becoming Soul Mates,” and “Questions Couples Ask.” The problem is, I do not have these books with me anymore. I gave the “Questions” book to my former high school yearbook editor Leili as a gift (her wedding picture is in my “Covenant marriage” article). I lent the first two books years ago to Ela, my former Bible college student. Ela is now married to a great husband, and she has recently given birth. But she still has not returned my books. “Ela, isoli mo na ang books ko; kailangan ko na!”

What makes “Relationships” a great read

The book, some 310 pages long including the workbook, is divided into chapters like:

• Our Longing for Belonging
• The Compulsion for Completion
• Keeping the Family Ties from Pulling Strings
• Crossing the Gender Line
• Friends to Die For; What to Do When Friends Fail
• Falling in Love Without Losing Your Mind
• Sex, Lies and the Great Escape
• Breaking Up Without Falling Apart
• Relating To God Without Feeling Phony

Perhaps the most memorable line from the book is on page 27, which goes like this: “When your goal is to be needed, you’re not to going to attract the healthiest of people. Any generic boyfriend or girlfriend will do.”

Lies that sabotage our relationships; how to become whole

In the chapter entitled “The Compulsion for Completion,” Drs. Les and Leslie point out the lies that sabotage our relationships. These lies are (1) “I need this person to be complete” and (2) “If this person needs me, I will be complete.”

Drs. Les and Leslie then provide the ways a person can become whole: (1) Heal your hurts; (2) Take off your mask; (3) Sit in the driver’s seat; and (4) Rely on God.

Taking off your mask; daring to become vulnerable

In the subsection entitled “Take off your mask,” Drs. Les and Leslie say in page 31: “Each of us has a natural, built-in desire to be known, but we often stifle our vulnerability out of fear. We’re afraid of being seen as too emotional or not emotional enough, as too assertive or not assertive enough. We’re afraid of rejection.”  

Drs. Les and Leslie say that, as a consequence, we often wear masks. They quote a deeply moving poem on why people wear masks. This poem has had numerous variations floating around in the Internet and in print publications; it is oftentimes reported as having been written anonymously. But the original version of this poem on masks and emotional vulnerability was written by Charles C. Finn. For the fascinating history of this poem and more of Finn's poetry, you can surf to his website http://www.poetrybycharlescfinn.com/. Below is the original version of the poem by Finn.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.

My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings --
very small wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator --
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

What women need to know about men; what men need to know about women

In the chapter entitled “Crossing the Gender Line,” Drs. Les and Leslie cite the differences between men and women, differences which so often lead to misunderstanding and conflicts.

• Men are not as in touch with their emotions as women are.
• Men are more independent than women are.
• Men are more abstract than women are.
• Women are not as independent as men are.
• Women focus on the here-and-now more than men do.
• Women are not as competitive as men are.

This part of “Relationships” reminds me so much of Dr. James Dobson’s book entitled “What wives wish their husbands knew about women.” In that book, Dr. Dobson hits the nail on the head, so to speak, when he wisely observed: “Women have needs that men do not understand.”

Is life really all about relationships?

The last chapter of their book is entitled “Relating To God Without Feeling Phony” and on page 178, Drs. Les and Leslie (both evangelical Christians) say,

“But if we forget to whom we belong, if we forget that our deepest longing is belonging to God, our compulsion for completion drives us into unhealthy relationships. Without God, selfishness pervades our souls and we are truly alone in an unhallowed world. In a God-aware relationship, however, our souls are ultimately satisfied in a meaningful life of goodness and grace, wholeness and holiness.”

Previously in page 38, Drs. Les and Leslie said, “While our earthly relationships will let us down time and time again, a relationship with God can be counted on to genuinely and fully meet our deepest need for significance.”

I have learned a lot from reading this book by Drs. Les and Leslie, and I highly recommend it to you. Hey, why do you think I bought and read my second copy of this book after I gave the first copy to the love of my life (the second most beautiful woman in the universe)? Who is the most beautiful woman in the universe, you ask again? Well, who else but movie actress Angel Locsin!

I don’t fully subscribe, however, to Drs. Les and Leslie’s analysis of the human condition. I agree with what Ptr. John Piper said in his book “The Pleasures of God” and what Ptr. John Macarthur observed in his book “Our Sufficiency in Christ.” They both said that a man or a woman’s deepest need is not significance but restoration to fellowship with an infinitely holy God, through repentance, confession of sins and accepting Christ’s sacrifice on the cross as our bridge to God. Our relationship with God should not be based on the search for self-significance or the fulfillment of psychological needs.

Well, well, well, relationships, what can be more maddening or more fulfilling? Several of Drs. Les and Leslie’s books have been reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade and are readily available in bookstores (National Bookstore, PCBS, OMF Lit, Back to the Bible, etc). It is Valentine’s Day a few days from today and hey, why don't you surprise the love of your life by giving him or her one or two books by Drs. Les and Leslie?

If you want to know more about Dr. Les and Leslie’s work, you can surf to their “Real Relationships” website. It is a great website with lots of instructional videos on topics such as Children, Health, Communication, In-Laws, Conflict Resolution, Pre-Marital, Divorce, Recreation, Faith, Sex, Finance and Marriage Mentoring.

“Love and Respect”

More than 30,000 unique and repeat visitors from 37 countries around the world have browsed my Family Matters website (it became online in December 2005. The second most browsed page of the site is that of the Family Code provisions on marriage. I wish I could say that the reason for this is that Filipinos esteem highly the institution of marriage. The facts and statistics, however, indicate that marriage is an endangered institution in the Philippines.

• The DSWD has reported that 40% of couples in CALABARZON are merely living in. That translates to about 90,000 couples who either do not believe in the institution of marriage or who are married to persons other than their current partners.
• According to some media reports, there are more than 400 annulment cases filed every month all over the country. Because of the high costs of getting a marriage annulled, a lot more couples are simply living apart from each other without going through any legal process.

It saddens me to say also that the number one question I have been asked by the more than 500 people who have e-mailed me for legal information is how a marriage can be annulled or declared null and void.

(Legally speaking, “annulment” refers to voidable marriages while “declaration of nullity” refers to void marriages. When Article 36 of the Family Code or psychological incapacity is used as a ground, the judicial process is not “annulment” but “declaration of nullity”.)

“Did they live happily ever after? No, they got married.”

There is a joke which goes this way: A young girl came home after school. When asked by her mother what she learned that day, she excitedly began talking all about their lesson on Snow White, the seven dwarfs, and the handsome prince. Since the mother had a lot of things to do and already knew the story, she interrupted her daughter and asked, “And so what happened, did they live happily ever after?” The little girl answered, “No, that’s not what happened. They got married!”

Wedding bells still keep ringing

Okay, okay, I know some of you are wondering what the joke about Snow White and her prince is all about. Despite the dreary statistics on live-in relationships and annulment cases, 95% of today's singles still deeply desire to be married, as Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott report in their book “Relationships”. As John Eldredge put it in his book “The Journey of Desire,” men and women were created for intimacy. Or as the Bible puts it, “Marriage is honourable unto all.”

More Filipinos get married in May than any other month

On Sunday nights after the worship service at Baptist Bible Church (Sta. Mesa), I usually take the LRT train from V. Mapa to Santolan. By the time the train gets to Gilmore, I usually look to the left where I can see the lights and tables and decorations and cars and people at an open sided island-like structure near the Mt. Carmel Church. Hmm, another wedding is taking place ...

Contrary to popular belief, however, more Filipinos get married in May than in June. According to a 2006 National Statistics Office report, there were 593,553 weddings in 2003. The “marry-est” months of the year for Filipinos are May with over 2,000 weddings daily, followed by December and January. August registered the lowest number of weddings. Why? Most probably because August is the rainiest month of the year.

What the world needs now is love ... and what else?

For those of you getting married this month or contemplating marriage sometime soon, I highly recommend the book “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Emerson was a pastor for some twenty years but has since 1999 been conducting, with his wife Sarah, seminars on marriage for audiences worldwide. The thesis for his book and seminars is found in Ephesians 5:33 which says, “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” As Emerson explains in his “Love and Respect” website,

”You may remember how the Beatles sang, ‘All you need is love.’ I absolutely disagree with that conclusion. Five out of ten marriages today are ending in divorce because love alone is not enough. Yes, love is vital, especially for the wife, but what we have missed is the husband's need for respect. This Love and Respect message is about how the wife can fulfill her need to be loved by giving her husband what he needs -- respect. And the husband can fulfill his need to be respected by giving his wife what she needs -- love. Does this always work? No. But if one is married to a person of good will, I would bet the farm that it would work!”

Without love, she reacts without respect; without respect, he reacts without love


What Emerson teaches based on Ephesians 5:33 is that love is the wife’s deepest need and that respect is the husband’s deepest need. But the problem couples encounter in their marriage is what Emerson calls “The Crazy Cycle”. Without receiving love from her husband, a wife reacts without respect. Without receiving respect from his wife, a husband reacts without love. And “The Crazy Cycle” goes round and round …

Emerson’s website offers two videos explaining what the Crazy Cycle is all about. You can either download it to your computer or view it in your browser.

Breaking out of “The Crazy Cycle”


Emerson discusses in his book two other cycles which he calls “The Energizing Cycle” and “The Rewarded Cycle”. In “The Energizing Cycle”, he advises husbands and wives that “his love motivates her respect, and her respect motivates his love.”
 
In the “The Rewarded Cycle”, Emerson states that a husband should love his wife regardless of her respect (or lack of it), and that a wife should respect her husband regardless of his love (or lack of it). Okay, okay, I know “The Rewarded Cycle” sounds like Mission Impossible to you. Well, just read Emerson's book and find out how a husband can truly love or how a wife can truly respect regardless of what his or her partner is dishing out.

Acronyms for a great marriage

In several chapters of his book, Emerson discusses his acronyms for a great marriage: C-O-U-P-L-E-S and C-H-A-I-R-S. The C-O-U-P-L-E-S acronym is meant to familiarize men with what their wives need and how to show love to their wives. It stands for Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty and Esteem.

On the other hand, the C-H-A-I-R-S acronym sums up for women how they can show their respect for their husbands, and stands for Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship and Sexuality.

Emerson’s website also offers several i-Pod downloads and free web videos like How Can I Respect That?, I Can Never be Good Enough, Pink & Blue, Cracking the Code, Tough Love, and He doesn't Deserve It!

Emerson’s book (reprinted in the Philippines by the Church Strengthening Ministry and readily available in OMF Lit, Back to the Bible Bookstore, PCBS and National BookStore) is a little bit expensive at 350 pesos, but hey, if you want a great marriage, 350 pesos is nothing, right?

So if you are getting married this January or sometime soon, I suggest that you go and buy Emerson’s book and browse his website, so that you can live happily, even after marriage, okay? okay?