Surviving Marital Infidelity

Index of topics discussed in this blog post: Infidelity happens in most marriages, and it’s a dangerous illusion to think that it can never happen to you. When the most important emotional needs go unmet, the neglected spouse becomes vulnerable. No hope for a marital recovery when the affair is underway. Plan A and Plan B for dealing with a wayward spouse How to end an affair Prevent adulterous affairs by protecting the Love Bank; the Policy of Radical Honesty Avoid talking about your marital problems with someone of the opposite gender.

Last Saturday, January 28, I attended a whole-day seminar entitled “Surviving an Affair” held at the Capitol City Baptist Church. Speakers were Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers and Rev. Clem Guillermo.

Both morning and afternoon sessions were opened by testimonies of women who have survived the extramarital affairs of their husbands. In the morning session, the woman who gave her testimony is an executive of a large real estate company. She testified of years of physical abuse inflicted by her husband. The ultimate pain in her marriage was when her husband had an affair with his co-employee. This co-employee used to visit the house frequently, ostensibly for work-related matters with her husband. She has been separated from her husband the last fifteen years.

In the afternoon, the woman who testified was the wife of a former PBA superstar. When she discovered her husband’s affair, she got sucked into a whirlpool of destructive reactions and behavior: drinking and smoking; hitting her head against the wall, jumping off her car; enduring physical convulsions by placing herself in fetal position against the office wall or under her bed. Her marriage has now been repaired by God's grace.

The morning speaker, Dr. Chalmers, is the daughter of world-famous marriage counselor, Dr. Willard Harley Jr. She has been doing counseling work and conducting seminars while her husband is here in the Philippines doing business. Dr. Chalmers based her discussion on concepts and theories from her father’s books (“His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”), and from the book she co-authored with her father (“Surviving an Affair”).

By the way, I gave my first copy of “His Needs, Her Needs” as a wedding gift to my former students in Bible school (they’re now doing mission work in Bataan). Hey, what can I say? I really think everyone should read “His Needs, Her Needs.” And besides, I saved money by just giving them my book, instead of getting them some other wedding gift …

Below are some of the points discussed by Dr. Chalmers at the seminar.

It’s a dangerous illusion to think that marital infidelity can never happen to you

Infidelity happens in most marriages, and it’s a dangerous illusion to think that it can never happen to you. (As I noted in a previous post, there are some 400 annulment cases filed every month all over the Philippines. The majority would probably have their roots in one spouse being involved in an adulterous affair. Please let me add briefly here that the Supreme Court has ruled that adultery by itself does not constitute “psychological incapacity” which is a ground for declaration of nullity of a marriage. Please surf over to my Legal Updates weblog at httpa://famli.blogspot.com/ for more information.)

Affairs begin with unmet needs

 Affairs begin when a person, other than your spouse, starts meeting needs your spouse isn’t fulfilling. This other person begins to deposit units into what Dr. Harley describes in his books as the “Love Bank.” As your spouse continues to take you for granted and the other person continues to meet your needs, withdrawals and deposits are made into your Love Bank. There comes a time when the neglected spouse develops romantic feelings for the other person.

When needs are unmet, the neglected spouse becomes vulnerable

Dr. Chalmers said that when the most important emotional needs go unmet, the neglected spouse begins to develop vulnerability. Dr. Chalmers was quick to add however, that unmet needs are NOT an excuse to engage in adulterous affairs.

William Cutrer, M.D. and Sandra Glahn in their book “Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” (Kregel Publications; reprinted in the Philippines by Evangelical Classics Library), state in page 138 of their book that it’s a myth and a cop-out to use your unmet needs as an excuse for adultery.

No hope for marital recovery when the affair is underway; plans on how to deal with a wayward spouse

Dr. Chalmers said that there is no hope for a marital recovery when the affair is underway. She then mentioned certain plans for dealing with a wayward spouse:

Plan A - the betrayed spouse avoids angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands at all costs (since these actions will create withdrawals from the offending spouse’s Love Bank)

Plan B - the betrayed spouse avoids contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has ended

At this juncture, please let me add that Dr. David Clarke’s book “What to do when your spouse says, ‘I don’t love you anymore’” offers a “beyond tough love” approach and differs radically from Dr. Harley’s concepts and theories. For example, Dr. Chalmers said that when the offended spouse feels anger and resentment welling up inside her, she should go another part of the house and vent her emotions without letting the offending spouse see or know about it. Dr. Clarke however says that if the offended spouse wakes up in the middle of the night, feeling angry and resentful, she should vent her emotions, whatever time and place, in the presence of the offending spouse.

How to end an affair

Dr. Chalmers’ recommendations for ending an affair are:

(a) Total separation from the lover, even if it means changing jobs and relocating to another town or city; total communication blackout between the lover and the offending spouse

(b) Sending a closure letter to the adulterous partner; both Dr. Chalmers and Ptr. Clem said that it is a very bad idea for the offending spouse to meet the lover in person in achieving closure

(c) Suffering through symptoms of withdrawal which usually last for three weeks

(d) Total honesty with the betrayed spouse

After the morning session, I got to meet Dr. Chalmers through her husband. I mentioned to Dr. Chalmers that sending a closure letter to the lover quite possibly can give rise to legal complications in view of Republic Act 9262 or the Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act of 2004. You can read the entire text of this law in my website http://tinyurl.com/familymatters-ph (look for it under Relevant Laws and under Legal Procedures).

Prevent affairs by protecting the Love Bank; the Policy of Radical Honesty

Dr. Chalmers also advised the seminar participants to take extraordinary precautions to protect the Love Bank (and thus prevent adulterous affairs). Among other things, she recommended:

(a) The Policy of Radical Honesty: informing your spouse if you are developing an attraction toward someone; if someone tells you that he or she finds you attractive, being prepared to tell that person how much you love your spouse, and then telling your spouse about the situation, etc.

(b)Avoid talking about personal matters or feelings with someone of the opposite gender.

Avoid talking about your marital difficulties with a person of the opposite gender

Ed Wheat, M.D. and Gloria Okes Perkins in their book “Love Life for Every Married Couple” (Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade) in page 227 put it very bluntly, “Never discuss your problems with a friend of the opposite sex.”

Pastor Clem Guillermo, the afternoon, speaker, added some things to this particular point. First, he warned the participants to avoid listening when a friend of the opposite sex starts telling you about his or her marital or relationship problems. At the risk of offending your friend, Ptr. Clem said, you should tell him or her to confide in either your pastor or the pastor’s wife.

Ptr. Clem stated that there are several reasons (and stages) why we commit the dangerous mistake of listening to a friend of the opposite sex tell about his or her problems:

(a) You are friends, and friends are supposed to care and listen to each other, right? Wrong!

(b) Messianic complex - you think that you have all the answers to your friend’s problems or that you are the only one who cares or understands

(c) Emotional blackmail - if you do the right thing by refusing to listen to your friend, the friend will usually “blackmail” you by saying, “I thought you were my friend; I thought I found someone who can advise me, encourage me …”

Ptr. Clem then added that as you mistakenly continue to listen to your friend, first you pity your friend, and then later on, you begin to develop romantic feelings for your friend.

Right now, I’m reminded of a story from Ptr. Joseph Stowell’s book, "Following Christ” (Zondervan Publishing House, copyright 1996 by Joseph Stowell). In pages 46 and 47, Stowell relates the tragic story of Samantha who committed the mistake Dr. Chalmers, Ptr. Clem and Dr. Wheat warn us about:

Samantha was young, vivacious, and single. She had grown up in a solid home where the ways of Christ had been honored. Active in the ministries of her church, she always wanted to reflect well on Christ in the office where she worked. She knew that Richard had a troubled marriage, and she felt that she needed to be sensitive to him and his problem. In fact, she even prayed that she could be used to turn his heart toward Christ as the solution to his dilemma.

They began to spend time together on breaks. Richard felt cared for as he poured out his heart to her listening ear. Then they went out for a sandwich at lunchtime, then stopped at the local deli after work. Soon Samantha realized that the intrigue had changed the agenda of her heart. She felt the alluring sense of danger mingled with the sense of adventure and self-fulfillment. She was at a crossroads. Would it be Christ or Richard?

She chose Richard.

Who was it who said, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”?

I have been teaching Literature to second year students of Asia Baptist Bible College ( a ministry of Baptist Bible Church in Sta. Mesa, Manila under Rev. Joseph Boyd Lyons) for the last four or five years. One of the required readings for my students is the short story “Rain” by W. Somerset Maugham. It’s a short story but it’s about 80 pages long in pocketbook format! Maugham narrates the tragic story of a missionary who commits suicide by slashing his throat after his moral failure. If you are a pastor, pastor's wife, or church worker, please take the time to read this classic short story.

Summing up, for the sake of your marriage and/or your ministry, please read the following books by Dr. Harley and/or his daughter Dr. Chalmers : His Needs, Her Needs; Four Gifts of Love; Surviving an Affair; Love Busters; The One: Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders.

Please also surf Dr. Harley’s website http://www.marriagebuilders.com/. Dr. Chalmers said that the website gets a BILLION hits every month!

Other books I recommend to you are “Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” by Cutrer and Glahn; “What to do when your spouse says, ‘I don’t love you anymore’” by Clarke; and “Following Christ” by Stowell.

By the way, Dr. Chalmers will be conducting a seminar on “The Four Gifts of Love” starting February 5. For more information, please call 812-6062.

Headship of men, submission of women, and the myth of mutual submission

In the area of relationships and marriage, there cannot be a more explosive and divisive issue than that of the headship of men and the submission of women.

Sometime in the late 1990’s, I think, the Southern Baptist Convention issued an official statement asking women to “graciously submit” to their husbands. Needless to say, that statement was greeted with controversy, scorn and ridicule from different sectors (and even from within the SBC itself).

Feminist groups have been saying all this time that the Biblical injunction for women to submit to their husbands is an open invitation for spousal abuse.

(For a discussion of the rights and obligations of husbands and wives under the Family Code of the Philippines, please surf over to my Legal Updates blog.)

If you want a thorough discussion of the Biblical doctrines of the headship of men and the submission of women, I recommend the following books to you:

1. “Strike the Original Match” by Chuck Swindoll; Multnomah Press © 1980; specifically the chapters entitled “Let’s Repair the Foundation” and “Bricks that Build a Marriage.”

2. “The Grace Awakening” also by Chuck Swindoll; Word Publishing, ©1996; specifically the chapter entitled “A Marriage Oiled by Grace”

3. “Together Forever” by Anne Kristin Caroll; Zondervan, © 1982 by Barbara J. Denis); specifically the chapter entitled “Who Wears the Pants?”

4. “Rocking the Roles” by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks; NavPress, ©1991; specifically the chapters entitled “The ‘S’ Word” and “The Masculine Counterpart to the ‘S’ Word.”

For more relevant articles, please surf to The Council on Biblical Manhood & Womanhood website.This ministry offers free resources like articles, journal articles, sermons, book reviews, conference audio, online books, questions and answers, evangelical feminism and Biblical truth; with multi-lingual resources in Arabic, Chinese, Dutch, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Russian and Spanish.

What stands out in my mind with Swindoll’s book “Strike The Original Match” is his statement on page 12,

The wife must come to terms with her role and ask, “Do I love my husband enough to live for him?” And equally important, the husband must come to terms with his role and ask, “Do I love my wife enough to die for her?” Searching questions. But they put the issues in the right perspective.

In “The Grace Awakening,” Swindoll rephrases his thoughts in this way (pages 149-151):

1. “The wife’s primary responsibility is to know herself so well and to respect herself so much, she gives herself to her husband without hesitation.”

2. “The primary responsibility of the husband is to love his Lord so deeply and to like himself so completely he gives himself to his wife without conditions.”

Lewis and Hendricks, while maintaining the traditional view of the headship of men and the submission of women, clarify however that submission is not a wife’s role. Rather, they say, submission is the wife’s loving response to her husband’s loving and sacrificial headship.

“Roles” and ‘responses” may sound like only semantics to you, but I encourage you to read “Rocking the Roles.” The most striking statement in this book about submission is found in page 135: “A biblically submissive wife’s focus is not on enabling wrong behavior, but in empowering her husband to pursue right behavior – to become the man God wants him to be, and the leader God wants him to be.”

I remember something Dr. James Dobson wrote in his classic book (highly recommended!) “Love Must Be Tough” about submission. Dobson said, “Being a spiritually submissive wife doesn’t mean being a doormat.”

Caroll, who writes her book out of the crucible of the pain of her divorce (and remarriage to the same guy) says on page 126, “Submission is freedom.”

The myth of mutual submission

One time, I was browsing through the bargain books section of PCBS Cubao, when I came across Stu Webber’s book, “The Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart” (Multnomah Books, © 1997; reprinted in the Philippines by OMF Lit Inc).Webber is my kind of guy! He first joined the US military with the Airborne division. He then went into the Rangers, and then finally into the Special Forces, the elite Green Berets. During the Vietnam War, while crunched in a foxhole in a Special Forces “A” Camp, waiting to engage the Viet Cong in bloody combat, God called him into the ministry.

(Decades ago, I and a dozen other Rizal High School students out of hundreds who started the training, completed a yearlong, Saturdays only Junior Ranger training. There, we learned how to assemble and disassemble a Garand M1, a carbine, a 30-caliber machine gun, a Browning Automatic Rifle, an M-16; go through the obstacle course, etc. It was great learning all these things but the only time we got to apply these skills, besides the Military Stakes, was during a rumble between about two hundred guys from Fort Bonifacio High School and only about fifty of us from Rizal High. When rocks started raining down on us, the valiant guys from Rizal High did all the right things – run, escape and hide until night fell and our enemies had to leave unless they wanted their mothers to scold them for coming home late. Who was it who said that prudence is the better part of valor?)

Anyway, enough of nostalgia.

What immediately attracted my attention in Webber’s book is his discussion of “The Myth of Mutual Submission” on pages 75 and 76. Webber says that submission is “always singular in direction when it refers to authority. It is never ‘mutual.’” The words of Scripture simply cannot be turned sideways and twisted to force the reverse. Nowhere are husbands told to be subject to their wives. Everywhere husbands are told to take the lead.”

Lest you begin thinking that Webber is just reacting on the basis of his military background, he states in page 79, “There is no room in biblical headship for self-inflated big shots.” Webber also cites approvingly Pastor John Piper’s discussion of what mature masculine leadership is. Among other things, Webber quotes Piper as saying that a mature man “serves and sacrifices for the woman’s good.”

(In a lot of Filipino families, the father merely makes occasional decisions in order to show everyone who is boss in the family. But it is the mother who actually runs the household and keeps the family together. A lot of Filipino men are passive when it comes to family matters, and the women are forced to take up the spiritual leadership of the family. One common complaint that author Joyce Landorf, I think, hears from women is that the man doesn't want to take spiritual responsibility for the family.)

Webber includes in his book a chapter entitled “A Woman Among the Pillars” and I assure all of you women out there, if you practice what he says in this chapter, you wouldn’t find it difficult dealing with men.

(You can find an interesting review in http://www.probe.org/. of Dr. Laura’s ‘The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Dr. Laura says that women don’t understand or realize the power they have over their husbands. She says that husbands are putty in the hands of the women they love!)

If you want to find out what the four pillars of a man’s heart are, go to the nearest bookstore and get a copy of Webber’s book. And all the books I mentioned above. Right now!

Marital infidelity: causes, consequences, and conclusions

Index of topics discussed in this blog post: How widespread is the problem of marital infidelity? An affair usually starts as a friendship with the sharing of problems and concerns Anatomy of adultery: 11 stages of an affair Myths about adultery; signs that you are becoming mentally unfaithful to your spouse Why adulterous affairs happen in Christian circles

“Surviving an Affair” is the title of a seminar to be held on January 28, 2006 from 8 AM to 4 PM at the Capitol City Baptist Church in West Avenue, Quezon City. Speakers are Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers and Rev. Clem Guillermo. Tickets are 200 pesos each, and info may be obtained from PCEC at 433-1546 to 47.

I have had the experience of counseling women who wanted to have their marriage annulled on the basis of infidelity of their husbands. Your heart will break over stories of women whose husbands have proved unfaithful to their marital vow. Discovering that your spouse has been or is being unfaithful to you is like having your heart slowly carved out with a rusty butter knife. Dr. James Dobson in his book “Love Must Be Tough” says that some men, after finding out their wives have been unfaithful, have driven their cars at more than a hundred miles per hour, intending to crash their cars against cement walls or concrete barriers.

One woman who was abandoned by her husband once asked me for help in getting financial support from her philandering husband. I counseled her on the benefits and protection provided by Republic Act 9262 or the “Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act of 2004.” The tragic thing about her story was that her husband had infected her with a sexually transmitted disease. She told me that she couldn’t afford to get the proper medical treatment, so how she could even afford to file a case against her husband? I assured her that RA 9262 has provisions for indigents, or for women who may not be indigent but who currently have no financial resources to prosecute their case.

How widespread is the problem of marital infidelity?

Patrick Morley in his book “Walking With Christ in the Details of Life” said that in his Sunday School class of 25 men, 20 admitted having been involved in an extramarital affair.

Kerby Anderson, in his Probe Ministries articles on adultery, cites several sources that show the extent of marital infidelity in secular and Christian circles.

1. Janus Report on Sexual Behavior – “more than one third of men and one quarter of women admit having had at least one extramarital sexual experience.”

2. National Opinion Research Center (University of Chicago) estimates that in the US, some 19 million husbands and 12 million wives have had an affair.

3. A 1997 issue of Newsweek magazine claimed that as many as 30% of male Protestant ministers have had sexual relationships with women other than their wives.

4. Journal of Pastoral Care in 1993 reported that in a survey of Southern Baptist pastors, 14% admitted having engaged in “sexual behavior inappropriate to a minister.”

5. A 1998 survey of nearly 1000 Protestant clergy by Leadership magazine discovered that 12% have engaged in sexual intercourse outside of marriage, and 23% have done something sexually inappropriate with someone other than their spouse.

An affair usually starts as a friendship with the sharing of problems and concerns

Willard F. Harley Jr. in his classic book “His Needs, Her Needs” (Fleming H. Revell, 2001) states in pages 20 and 21 his observations on how an affair starts:

1. An affair usually begins as a friendship with the sharing of problems and concerns, and the fulfilling of needs unmet by the spouse.

2. Quite often the friendship that grows into an affair is not based on physical but on emotional attraction. It doesn’t matter if the other party is “overweight, plain or really rather ugly. What matters is that she has been able to meet an unfulfilled need.”

Anatomy of adultery: 11 stages of an affair

Dr. James Dobson in his award-winning classic book “Love Must Be Tough” (Word, Inc. 1996; reprinted in the Philippines by OMF Literature) outlines in detail how a person gets caught up in an extramarital affair. You can find this outline in the chapter entitled “Anatomy of Adultery.” If you are a workaholic spouse, reading this chapter will send tremors up and down your spine.

Dobson says that the adultery takes about eleven stages, but oftentimes, the workaholic spouse discovers the affair only at stage six. What makes Dobson’s “anatomy of adultery” more chilling is it’s told from the point of view of a woman caught up in an adulterous relationship.

Myths about adultery; signs that you are becoming mentally unfaithful to your spouse

William Cutrer, M.D. and Sandra Glahn in their book “Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” (Kregel Publications; reprinted in the Philippines by Evangelical Classics Library), explain some of the myths about adultery in the chapter entitled “Protecting Your Sexuality.” You might be totally surprised but they say that Myth no. 5 is, “If I spend time with God every day, I will not be ‘at risk.’”

Cutrer and Glahn in page 147 of their book cite some questions by which you can know whether you are becoming mentally unfaithful to your spouse. These questions and guidelines can also be substantially found in Karen Scalf Linamen’s book “Pillow Talk: The Intimate Marriage from A to Z” (Fleming H. Revell), pages 179 and 180. Some of these questions or guidelines by which you can measure whether your friendship with a person other than your spouse is dangerously leading you into an adulterous affair, are the following:

1. “Do you find yourself making special trips past the desk of a coworker, or going out of your way to put yourself in the path of someone interesting at church or among your circle of friends?”

2. “Have you taken new interest in what you wear or how you look?”

3. “Do you find yourself looking forward to meetings or events where a certain person will be in attendance?”

Linamen challenges her readers by saying that fidelity to one’s spouse should not be accidental but intentional; fidelity should be by design, not by default. She further says that in case of questionable relationships, “When in doubt, drop the friendship.”

“Pillow Talk” is quite expensive at 495 pesos per copy, but I highly recommend this book to you. When I first browsed this part of Linamen’s book, I wondered, “Why don’t we hear this kind of practical teaching from our pulpits?” I decided to buy the book as soon as I could, even though when I did, I got a lot of quizzical looks from the sales clerks at National Bookstore in Ever Gotesco Ortigas.

Both Linamen and Cutrer/Glahn cite in their books the tragic moral failure of Gordon Macdonald, a world-famous American pastor and writer (“The Ordering of our Private World”). In an interview, Macdonald was asked in what areas of life Satan could possibly attack him. He answered that Satan could attack him in several areas but not in his marriage which he claimed to be strong and vibrant. A year later, Macdonald confessed to having fallen into an adulterous affair.

As Cutrer and Glahn say in their book, page 140, Macdonald now warns people, “An unguarded strength and an unprepared heart are double weakness.” I might add there Proverbs 16:18 , “Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.”

Why adulterous affairs happen in Christian circles

Ed Wheat, M.D. and Gloria Okes Perkins in their book “Love Life for Every Married Couple” (Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade) explain in page 46 why adulterous affairs happen in Christian circles:

”As a counselor, I have to deal with the tragic results of loveless marriages. The dearth of love has caused men who are known for their Christian leadership to become involved in adulterous affair, or their wives to look elsewhere for the love they feel they are missing. In even more distressing cases, things have been done with legal as well as moral consequences that have virtually destroyed the entire family. Without going into details, I can assure you out of extensive counseling experience that men and women have a desperate longing for the emotion of love in their marriage, and that Christians shock even themselves by what they will do to find a substitute. Of course, a Christian need never be dominated by his feelings – in marriage or in any other aspect of life. But a marriage without good feelings is terribly incomplete, and the many couples I counsel are almost always concerned about the emotion of love and the lack of it in some phase of their relationship.”

John Eldredge in his book “The Journey of Desire: Searching for the Life We’ve Only Dreamed Of” (Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville) explains in a chapter entitled “Disowned Desire” the reason why Christians fall into adulterous affairs. Eldredge recounts the story of Jenny, an unmarried Christian who goes to Ecuador as a short term missionary. While there, she meets and falls in love with a fellow Christian, a charming, intelligent and dashing Latino. The only problem was, the guy was married. Eldredge says in page 66:

“Jenny’s story is not about the dangers of desire but about the dangers of disowned desire. Just because she pretends she doesn’t really want romance doesn’t make the desire go away. It goes underground, to surface somewhere else at some other time.

“David Whyte calls this the “devouring animal of our disowned desire.” It is the reason behind most affairs in the church. The pastor lives out of duty, trying to deny his thirst for many years. One day, the young secretary smiles at him and it’s over. Because he has so long been out of touch with his desire, it becomes overwhelming when it does show up. The danger of disowning desire is that it sets us up for a fall. We are unable to distinguish real life from a tempting imitation. We are fooled by the impostors. Eventually, we find some means of procuring a taste of the life we were meant for.”

Hey, we’ve gone through a lot of things about marital infidelity from a lot of books. I highly recommend these books to you, even though those without local reprints are quite expensive. Eldredge’s books for example cost more than three hundred pesos each. Anyway, if you’re a pastor, a counselor, married or in a relationship, please do read these books (“His Needs, Her Needs” by Harley; “Love Must Be Tough” by Dobson; “Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” by Cutrer and Glahn; “Pillow Talk” by Linamen; “Love Life” by Wheat and Perkins; and “The Journey of Desire” by Eldredge.)

See you on January 28 at the Capitol City Baptist Church for the “Surviving an Affair” seminar!

The One and Only

Last March 2005, I was invited to speak during the 1st Singles Camp at San Narciso, Zambales, sponsored by the Baptist Missions Partners/HELP group. I had already prepared a Powerpoint presentation on what it is like being single in a couples’ world but I wasn’t able to go to the camp.

The day before the camp, I had to rush to the NBI headquarters in Taft Avenue in response to a call for assistance from a former student. Together with the family of that student, I had to stay in the NBI office until around nine that evening. That experience wiped me out physically and emotionally, and the next day I couldn’t do anything else but stay at home, toss restlessly in bed, thinking about the previous night’s events.

Part of the Powerpoint lecture I prepared for the campers was on the topic of “The One and Only.” A lot of pastors and youth leaders teach that out of the hundreds of millions of people in the world, God ordained before the foundation of the world, one and only one person to be your marriage partner. That in a nutshell is the "one and only" theory.

Some prominent Christian writers like Joshua Harris (“I Kissed Dating Goodbye”), Eric and Leslie Ludy (“When God Writes Your Love Story”) subscribe to this “one and only” theory. Even world famous evangelist Billy Graham believes in this theory.

On the other hand, other Christian leaders like Dr. James Dobson, Bill and Lynne Hybels say that the “one and only” theory does not have any Biblical support.

Dobson in his book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” (Living Books, Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.) in pages 94 and 95, says this:

“Anyone who believes that God guarantees a successful marriage to every Christian is in for a shock. This is not to say that he is disinterested in the choice of a mate, or that he will not answer a specific request for guidance on this all-important decision. Certainly, his will should be sought in such a critical matter and I consulted him repeatedly before proposing to my wife. However, I do not believe that God performs a routine match-making service for everyone who worships him. He has given us judgment, common sense, and discretionary powers, and he expects us to exercise these abilities in matters matrimonial. Those who believe otherwise are likely to enter marriage glibly, thinking, “God would have blocked this development if he didn’t approve of it.” To such confident people I can only say, “Lotsa luck.”

The Hybels couple in their book “Fit To Be Tied” (Zondervan Publishing House, Michigan, USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade) in debunking the “one and only” theory, discusses the dangers and pitfalls of such a theory in pages 114 and 115:

"… sometimes when couples discover how different they really are, they jump to the conclusion that their marriage is hopeless, that they might as well give up because they chose the wrong spouse. Sometimes well-meaning Christians contribute to their sense of hopelessness.

We once heard a pastor say, “Somewhere on planet earth there is a special someone just for you. God designed this person before the foundations of the world to be your lifetime mate.” This is the “one and only” theory, and suggests that out of the five billion human beings that inhabit planet earth, God prepared one – and only one – to be your spouse.

This theory appears harmless, but it can be downright dangerous for a couple who is trying hard to make their marriage work, but making little headway. They are frustrated, but they keep plodding along until they stumble upon the “one and only” theory. Suddenly a light bulb goes on. Here’s our problem. You’re not my one and only, and I’m not yours. This marriage will never work. We missed. God can’t bless this marriage, so why keep hitting our heads against brick walls? Let’s part ways and find our one and only. Their assumption is that if they find their one and onlys, marriage will be easy. They won’t have to make compromises, or work through conflicts, or negotiate family differences, or wrestle with temperament issues. It will be smooth sailing on the seas of wedded bliss … if only they find their one and onlys. Even those whose convictions will not let them part ways live with the burden of regret. I missed my one and only.
While the notion has been bantered around in Christian circles for years, we find little Biblical support for believing that God ordained every marital match before the foundation of the world. As in many other areas of Christian living, the Bible lays broad parameters for spouse selection. Within those parameters, individuals have the freedom to choose. In I Cor. 7:39 Paul says that a woman whose husband dies “is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” Certainly Paul would tell her - and us – to choose carefully: to go through the proper checklists, move slowly, pray for guidance and sober judgment, and seek wise counsel. But then we are free to use our brains, examine our hearts, and select the spouse we feel best suits us. If we choose wisely, under His guidance, God promises the grace, courage, wisdom, and power needed to build our marriages.

If some years later, we second-guess the wisdom of our choice, God says, “Don’t look backward. The decision has been made. Look forward. Face the challenges head on. I’ll walk with you as you build this marriage. If it gets rough, seek help from friends. If you get stuck, see a counselor. But don’t waste time wondering if you missed your one and only. As far as I am concerned, you are married to your one and only. So get on with the task of making your marriage flourish. Turn to Me with humble hearts, and I’ll help you. I’ll give you wisdom and creativity. I’ll teach you to compromise. I’ll fill you with courage. I’ll give you the strength to persevere.”

Anyway, I highly recommend these books to you. Even though it’s based on the experiences of American women, Dobson’s book, whether you’re a wife or a husband, will help you understand better what it is like being a woman. As the book says, “Women have needs which men don’t understand.”

I may not agree with all the practices and theology of Bill Hybels, but “Fit To Be Tied” is one of the best books I have ever read on relationships and marriage. Whenever I have a female friend or student contemplating marriage, I would challenge her to read “Fit To Be Tied” especially that part on how a guy engages in “shifting gears” after the wedding. (My favorite chapters of this book are “Getting Lost Along the Way,” “Living in Crisis Mode,” and “Whatever Happened To Romance?”)
Dobson’s book may be a little bit difficult to find in our bookstores here, although Rita, one of my Advanced Composition students in Bible school told me that Praise House in Panay Avenue, Quezon City, has a lot of Dobson’s books.

You can easily find “Fit To Be Tied” in National Bookstore branches, or in Christian bookstores. Here in Metro Manila, you can go to Back to the Bible Bookstore in West Avenue, QC; PCBS in Cubao in front of Farmers Plaza; and CGM in 13th Avenue, Cubao, near Ali Mall. I think the OMF Lit bookstore is no longer in Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong. Christian Literature Crusade, the company which reprinted “Fit To be Tied,” has a bookstore, I think, in Karuhatan, Valenzuela.

You probably know by now what I would have told the participants at the 1st BMP Singles Camp about the “one and only” theory had I been able to go there. Ptr. Vincent, BMP youth director, told me later on that someone else took over my spot and that the camp was highly successful. Hey, I thought that I was the “one and only” person who could give that kind of a lecture! Joke!