Surviving Marital Infidelity

Index of topics discussed in this blog post: Infidelity happens in most marriages, and it’s a dangerous illusion to think that it can never happen to you. When the most important emotional needs go unmet, the neglected spouse becomes vulnerable. No hope for a marital recovery when the affair is underway. Plan A and Plan B for dealing with a wayward spouse How to end an affair Prevent adulterous affairs by protecting the Love Bank; the Policy of Radical Honesty Avoid talking about your marital problems with someone of the opposite gender.

Last Saturday, January 28, I attended a whole-day seminar entitled “Surviving an Affair” held at the Capitol City Baptist Church. Speakers were Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers and Rev. Clem Guillermo.

Both morning and afternoon sessions were opened by testimonies of women who have survived the extramarital affairs of their husbands. In the morning session, the woman who gave her testimony is an executive of a large real estate company. She testified of years of physical abuse inflicted by her husband. The ultimate pain in her marriage was when her husband had an affair with his co-employee. This co-employee used to visit the house frequently, ostensibly for work-related matters with her husband. She has been separated from her husband the last fifteen years.

In the afternoon, the woman who testified was the wife of a former PBA superstar. When she discovered her husband’s affair, she got sucked into a whirlpool of destructive reactions and behavior: drinking and smoking; hitting her head against the wall, jumping off her car; enduring physical convulsions by placing herself in fetal position against the office wall or under her bed. Her marriage has now been repaired by God's grace.

The morning speaker, Dr. Chalmers, is the daughter of world-famous marriage counselor, Dr. Willard Harley Jr. She has been doing counseling work and conducting seminars while her husband is here in the Philippines doing business. Dr. Chalmers based her discussion on concepts and theories from her father’s books (“His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”), and from the book she co-authored with her father (“Surviving an Affair”).

By the way, I gave my first copy of “His Needs, Her Needs” as a wedding gift to my former students in Bible school (they’re now doing mission work in Bataan). Hey, what can I say? I really think everyone should read “His Needs, Her Needs.” And besides, I saved money by just giving them my book, instead of getting them some other wedding gift …

Below are some of the points discussed by Dr. Chalmers at the seminar.

It’s a dangerous illusion to think that marital infidelity can never happen to you

Infidelity happens in most marriages, and it’s a dangerous illusion to think that it can never happen to you. (As I noted in a previous post, there are some 400 annulment cases filed every month all over the Philippines. The majority would probably have their roots in one spouse being involved in an adulterous affair. Please let me add briefly here that the Supreme Court has ruled that adultery by itself does not constitute “psychological incapacity” which is a ground for declaration of nullity of a marriage. Please surf over to my Legal Updates weblog at httpa://famli.blogspot.com/ for more information.)

Affairs begin with unmet needs

 Affairs begin when a person, other than your spouse, starts meeting needs your spouse isn’t fulfilling. This other person begins to deposit units into what Dr. Harley describes in his books as the “Love Bank.” As your spouse continues to take you for granted and the other person continues to meet your needs, withdrawals and deposits are made into your Love Bank. There comes a time when the neglected spouse develops romantic feelings for the other person.

When needs are unmet, the neglected spouse becomes vulnerable

Dr. Chalmers said that when the most important emotional needs go unmet, the neglected spouse begins to develop vulnerability. Dr. Chalmers was quick to add however, that unmet needs are NOT an excuse to engage in adulterous affairs.

William Cutrer, M.D. and Sandra Glahn in their book “Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” (Kregel Publications; reprinted in the Philippines by Evangelical Classics Library), state in page 138 of their book that it’s a myth and a cop-out to use your unmet needs as an excuse for adultery.

No hope for marital recovery when the affair is underway; plans on how to deal with a wayward spouse

Dr. Chalmers said that there is no hope for a marital recovery when the affair is underway. She then mentioned certain plans for dealing with a wayward spouse:

Plan A - the betrayed spouse avoids angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands at all costs (since these actions will create withdrawals from the offending spouse’s Love Bank)

Plan B - the betrayed spouse avoids contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has ended

At this juncture, please let me add that Dr. David Clarke’s book “What to do when your spouse says, ‘I don’t love you anymore’” offers a “beyond tough love” approach and differs radically from Dr. Harley’s concepts and theories. For example, Dr. Chalmers said that when the offended spouse feels anger and resentment welling up inside her, she should go another part of the house and vent her emotions without letting the offending spouse see or know about it. Dr. Clarke however says that if the offended spouse wakes up in the middle of the night, feeling angry and resentful, she should vent her emotions, whatever time and place, in the presence of the offending spouse.

How to end an affair

Dr. Chalmers’ recommendations for ending an affair are:

(a) Total separation from the lover, even if it means changing jobs and relocating to another town or city; total communication blackout between the lover and the offending spouse

(b) Sending a closure letter to the adulterous partner; both Dr. Chalmers and Ptr. Clem said that it is a very bad idea for the offending spouse to meet the lover in person in achieving closure

(c) Suffering through symptoms of withdrawal which usually last for three weeks

(d) Total honesty with the betrayed spouse

After the morning session, I got to meet Dr. Chalmers through her husband. I mentioned to Dr. Chalmers that sending a closure letter to the lover quite possibly can give rise to legal complications in view of Republic Act 9262 or the Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act of 2004. You can read the entire text of this law in my website http://tinyurl.com/familymatters-ph (look for it under Relevant Laws and under Legal Procedures).

Prevent affairs by protecting the Love Bank; the Policy of Radical Honesty

Dr. Chalmers also advised the seminar participants to take extraordinary precautions to protect the Love Bank (and thus prevent adulterous affairs). Among other things, she recommended:

(a) The Policy of Radical Honesty: informing your spouse if you are developing an attraction toward someone; if someone tells you that he or she finds you attractive, being prepared to tell that person how much you love your spouse, and then telling your spouse about the situation, etc.

(b)Avoid talking about personal matters or feelings with someone of the opposite gender.

Avoid talking about your marital difficulties with a person of the opposite gender

Ed Wheat, M.D. and Gloria Okes Perkins in their book “Love Life for Every Married Couple” (Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade) in page 227 put it very bluntly, “Never discuss your problems with a friend of the opposite sex.”

Pastor Clem Guillermo, the afternoon, speaker, added some things to this particular point. First, he warned the participants to avoid listening when a friend of the opposite sex starts telling you about his or her marital or relationship problems. At the risk of offending your friend, Ptr. Clem said, you should tell him or her to confide in either your pastor or the pastor’s wife.

Ptr. Clem stated that there are several reasons (and stages) why we commit the dangerous mistake of listening to a friend of the opposite sex tell about his or her problems:

(a) You are friends, and friends are supposed to care and listen to each other, right? Wrong!

(b) Messianic complex - you think that you have all the answers to your friend’s problems or that you are the only one who cares or understands

(c) Emotional blackmail - if you do the right thing by refusing to listen to your friend, the friend will usually “blackmail” you by saying, “I thought you were my friend; I thought I found someone who can advise me, encourage me …”

Ptr. Clem then added that as you mistakenly continue to listen to your friend, first you pity your friend, and then later on, you begin to develop romantic feelings for your friend.

Right now, I’m reminded of a story from Ptr. Joseph Stowell’s book, "Following Christ” (Zondervan Publishing House, copyright 1996 by Joseph Stowell). In pages 46 and 47, Stowell relates the tragic story of Samantha who committed the mistake Dr. Chalmers, Ptr. Clem and Dr. Wheat warn us about:

Samantha was young, vivacious, and single. She had grown up in a solid home where the ways of Christ had been honored. Active in the ministries of her church, she always wanted to reflect well on Christ in the office where she worked. She knew that Richard had a troubled marriage, and she felt that she needed to be sensitive to him and his problem. In fact, she even prayed that she could be used to turn his heart toward Christ as the solution to his dilemma.

They began to spend time together on breaks. Richard felt cared for as he poured out his heart to her listening ear. Then they went out for a sandwich at lunchtime, then stopped at the local deli after work. Soon Samantha realized that the intrigue had changed the agenda of her heart. She felt the alluring sense of danger mingled with the sense of adventure and self-fulfillment. She was at a crossroads. Would it be Christ or Richard?

She chose Richard.

Who was it who said, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”?

I have been teaching Literature to second year students of Asia Baptist Bible College ( a ministry of Baptist Bible Church in Sta. Mesa, Manila under Rev. Joseph Boyd Lyons) for the last four or five years. One of the required readings for my students is the short story “Rain” by W. Somerset Maugham. It’s a short story but it’s about 80 pages long in pocketbook format! Maugham narrates the tragic story of a missionary who commits suicide by slashing his throat after his moral failure. If you are a pastor, pastor's wife, or church worker, please take the time to read this classic short story.

Summing up, for the sake of your marriage and/or your ministry, please read the following books by Dr. Harley and/or his daughter Dr. Chalmers : His Needs, Her Needs; Four Gifts of Love; Surviving an Affair; Love Busters; The One: Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders.

Please also surf Dr. Harley’s website http://www.marriagebuilders.com/. Dr. Chalmers said that the website gets a BILLION hits every month!

Other books I recommend to you are “Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” by Cutrer and Glahn; “What to do when your spouse says, ‘I don’t love you anymore’” by Clarke; and “Following Christ” by Stowell.

By the way, Dr. Chalmers will be conducting a seminar on “The Four Gifts of Love” starting February 5. For more information, please call 812-6062.