The Mary Winkler case: A word for pastors’ wives and female church workers

On March 22, 2006, Mary Winkler, 32 years old, mother of three daughters with ages ranging from 1 to 8, and described as a quiet, unassuming grade school substitute teacher, killed her husband Matthew with a shotgun blast.

Considering the volume of violent crimes in the USA, Mary Winkler’s case would have just been featured in the news media of the small town of Selmer, Tennessee (where the crime happened) and its surrounding communities. Instead, this case has captured national media attention in the US and has caused enormous worldwide traffic on the Internet.

Why? Primarily because Mary Winkler was a pastor’s wife, her husband Matthew being a 3rd generation pastor from the Church of Christ denomination.

Mary Winkler was arrested in Alabama several days after the crime. She had driven there with her three daughters – Breanna, 1; Mary Alice, 6; and Patricia, 8. Her daughters (who didn’t witness the shooting) are now under the care of their paternal grandparents.

After her arrest, Mary Winkler confessed to the police authorities as to why she killed her husband. But police officials have kept mum about the motive, except to say that marital infidelity wasn’t an issue. Due to Mary’s waiver of a preliminary hearing (where prosecutors would have been obligated to reveal part of their evidence), the motive has remained unknown to the media and the public.

Mary’s lawyer, Steve Farese (who’s handling the case on a pro bono basis), has floated to the media the possible defenses of post partum depression or temporary insanity.

Mary is scheduled next to face a grand jury investigation on whether first degree murder charges would be filed against her.

Other news items since Mary’s arrest have reported that (1) her youngest sister Patricia died at age eight of spinal meningitis; (2) her mother died of cancer in 1999; and (3) she never talked about her father after her mother’s death.

To their small congregation at Fourth Street Church of Christ in Selmer (population 4,600), the Winklers seemed like a perfect couple. But for one reason or another, Mary Winkler cracked and shot dead her husband.

H.B. London works for the Focus on the Family ministry, and is known as a “pastor to the pastors.” In the website www.parsonage.org, London says this about pastor’s wives:

It’s hard to be a pastor these days. But it’s often even harder to be married to one. Your life is filled with expectations – from everyone you know and many you have never met. Your congregation, your community, your kids and even your parents and siblings expect you to think, feel and behave in a particular way – and often, these expectations are in conflict with each other, not to mention how they match or don’t match your own expectations and dreams for yourself.

Fundamentalist groups often criticize Dr. James Dobson and his Focus on the Family ministry for its ecumenical outlook. Setting aside for the moment this criticism, www.parsonage.org does offer a lot of helpful and informative articles and resources for pastors’ wives. Some of these articles are the following:

(1) A Salute to the Pastor’s Wife, by H.B. London
(2) Fill Her Up, by Jill Briscoe
(3) Friends, by Colleen Evans
(4) It Wasn’t Even Monday, by Jill Briscoe
(5) Making Friends When You’re a Ministry Wife, by Mary Manz Simon
(6) Riding the Ministry-Family Seesaw, by Walt and Fran Becker
(7) The High Chair Day, by Jane Rubietta
(8) What Pastors’ Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Them, by Barbara Milioni

Perhaps the most memorable and riveting article from this website is “How to Encourage Your Pastor’s Wife.” Written by Donna Bordelon Alder, it tells the true story of a pastor’s wife described as blonde, beautiful, graceful and slender. For one reason or another however, that pastor’s wife “in a white, northeast winter Sunday, while her children and husband were in church, committed suicide in the parsonage.” In her article, Alder enumerates the findings of her research (which she undertook as some sort of catharsis after the death by suicide of that unnamed pastor’s wife.) Some of her eye-opening findings are:

[1] Most pastors’ wives in her survey have had recurrent, obtrusive thoughts of escaping from the ministry in some irresponsible manner.

[2] Sixty three percent of pastors’ wives said what they liked most about being in ministry was meeting and helping people.

[3] The top two things that bother them are people who reject God after all their efforts, and not having enough willing workers. Forty four percent said they are most discouraged by unresponsive people.

[4] Forty seven percent said the thing they disliked most about ministry was other people’s expectations of them.

[5] Eighty eight percent of pastors’ wives have experienced periods of depression.

[6] Twenty four percent felt the greatest pressure came from themselves. Many feel frustrated that they cannot seem to be what they think a pastor’s wife should be.

[7] Many pastors’ wives long for a female friend in whom to confide.

Alder in her article suggests several practical ways by which people in the church can help encourage their pastor’s wife.

One other website which you might be interested in is that of the Global Pastors’ Wives Network at http://www.gpwn.org/.

In my Advanced Composition class at the Asia Baptist Bible College, a required reading for my second year students is “Fit To Be Tied” by Bill and Lynne Hybels, specifically the chapters entitled “Getting Lost Along The Way” and “Living in Crisis Mode.” I may not agree with Bill Hybels’ methodology but “Fit To Be Tied” is probably the best book I have ever read on relationships and marriage.

In “Getting Lost Along The Way,” Lynne Hybels very honestly describes her travails and frustrations as a pastor’s wife. In one memorable portion (page191), Lynne says about herself,

But I am so tired. I feel so empty. It’s like someone drained the life out of me.

I feel like a robot … but not quite. I wish I were a robot. Then I could just program myself to do everything I am supposed to do. And not care. And not desire. And not feel. And not hurt. And not have a little core of individuality that yelps occasionally.

Is this what life is supposed to be? Is this the best I can do?

Throughout the summer months the frustration, the emptiness, intensified. I felt increasingly like a vacuous shell, like an image with no substance. I realized, as I looked deep inside, that there was “nobody home.” There was no person inside. No me.

If you are a pastor’s wife or a female church worker, I highly recommend that you read these chapters. “Fit To Be Tied” is originally published by Zondervan but reprinted here in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade, and is readily available in bookstores at around one hundred eighty pesos.

I understand that the Baptist Missions Partners, a grouping of churches in the Philippines led by my childhood friend Ptr. Edwin Tan, has held for the last two years a conference for pastors’ wives and female church workers. It’s my sincere hope that wives of Baptist pastors here in the Philippines, whether within their own groupings or cutting across Baptist affiliations, could get together in a regular fellowship to help one another deal with the tough challenges facing them.