Mind reading and negative interpretations
I teach Literature at the Asia Baptist Bible College (a ministry of the Baptist Bible Church, Sta. Mesa, Manila). A consistent favorite among my students through the years is the Philippines’s very own “Beyond Forgetting” written by Rolando Carbonell. As part of the graded activities, I require my students to recite “Beyond Forgetting” from memory. With some background music by guitar or piano, the students’ recitations of the poem have sometimes been, well, beyond forgetting …
Carbonell (who has seven earned doctorates!) wrote this love poem and several others for his wife in the 1960s, if I’m not mistaken. I remember reading this collection of poems when I was an A.B. English student in Philippine Christian University in the late 70’s.
You might be wondering why I am talking about love poems in a blog that focuses on more practical issues in relationships, marriage and the family. Well, the persona in Carbonell’s poem, near the end of the poem, says:
You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference. But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart. For how could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone? But perhaps you didn’t understand.
“Silence is the language of my heart …” It’s great poetry, brimming over with passion that makes women swoon, but such sentiment about “silence speaking a more eloquent tone” is actually the stuff that breaks marriages up.
Communication is the key
Most experts in relationships and marriage will tell you that “communication is the key to your marriage.” In fact, there is a best-selling book by H. Norman Wright with these very words as the title. Willard Harley Jr. in his classic book “His Needs, Her Needs” says that a man should spend at least 15 hours a week talking to his wife or girlfriend.
Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The Five Love Languages” says that “Words of Affirmation” is a language that a lot of people speak.
Not silence, however eloquent, but words of affirmation which bring vitality to a relationship. Or as someone has wisely put it, “More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence.”
The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem
Dr. James Dobson, in his book classic, best-selling book “Love Must Be Tough” (copyright 1983, 1996 by Word Incorporated; published 1999 in the Philippines by OMF Literature) however has a different take on the lack of communication between spouses. He says on page 26, to wit,
The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way one spouse begins to perceive the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped. That’s the key word, trapped.
But the fact is, during the intense, passion-filled days before marriage, a man and a woman can hardly keep themselves apart, talking, whispering, sharing secrets, plans, hopes, wishes and dreams. So what happens after marriage? The man retreats to reading his newspaper or watching the news on TV, while the woman tends the kids, watching the telenovelas by herself. So what happened? Too many wives and husbands have been hearing nothing from their spouses except for what Simon and Garfunkel said in their 1960’s hit song, the sounds of silence.
(You might want to re-read my article “
Love Potion No. 9” which discusses the effects of the so-called cuddle chemicals on the emotions of love, and what happens when these chemicals subside. My article
"Transformers: Why do persistent suitors become passive husbands?" also gives several reasons for this transformation.)
Men cannot read women's minds
In the 1970’s the late Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder starred in a Superman movie that produced a hit song entitled, if I’m not mistaken, “Can you read my mind?”
A common mistake that a lot of women make (okay, okay, some men also make this mistake) is assuming that their boyfriends or husbands can read their minds.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his website
http://www.loveandrespect.com/ has a video clip where he narrates the story of a man and woman talking about where to celebrate their 5th wedding anniversary. It’s a very funny clip, but it shows how wives can sometimes leave their husbands hanging in mid-air, not knowing what they really want.
And all because women have this persistent and foolish notion that if their boyfriends or husbands are really in touch with women’s emotions, they would be able to read their minds and know what they want.
Lest you think that I am just being chauvinistic, let me cite two authors (female, mind you) who encourage women to say directly to their husbands what they really want. These are Gaye Wheat, co-writer of the book “Intended for Pleasure” (copyright 1977 by Fleming H. Revel, 1981, 1997 by Ed and Gaye Wheat; published in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade and available in National Bookstore branches), and Dr. Laura Schlessinger (more popularly known in the US simply as Dr. Laura).
Gaye Wheat says in pages 153 and 154, to wit,
It is amazing how silent we women are on something as important as the sex act in marriage. We wish in silence or we suffer in silence or we hope that this time he will be different, that this time he will think of doing that which we long for him to do. Why not just tell him?
While Gaye Wheat makes this wise observation in the context of a wife’s sexual relationship with her husband, such can be translated into other areas of marriage.
Men need direct communication
Dr. Laura has written a book entitled “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Probe Ministries, through Sue Bohlin, has a
review of Dr. Laura’s book which you might want to check out.
Dr. Laura says that women should realize that men need direct communication from their wives. Among other things, Dr. Laura says,
Men make terrible mind readers, so be direct. Dropping subtle hints doesn’t work with most men, and it doesn’t mean a man is insensitive, uncaring or oblivious.
The bottom line? Men cannot read their wives’ minds and neither should wives expect their husbands to be able to do so. It may be a lot less romantic for a woman to engage in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband, rather than dropping subtle hints here and there. But she will save herself a lot of heartaches and frustrations if she, as Gaye Wheat and Dr. Laura both say, engages in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband.
(I’m sure a lot of you are now reaching out for your Bible and searching for Proverbs 27:5 which says, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.” Hebrew poetry is marked by parallelism, by the use of antithesis and synthesis. Most preachers have interpreted Proverbs 27:5 as an antithesis, but that’s wrong. The verse should be read together with Proverbs 28:234, Psalms 141:5 and Galatians 4:16, and should be interpreted as a synthesis. That is, if you love somebody, you should be brave enough, willing enough to confront that person about his errors and sins.)
Positive mind reading and negative judgments
Scott Stanley and his co-authors of “A Lasting Legacy” warn their readers about a form of mind reading they call “negative interpretations.” This happens when one spouse thinks that he or she knows what the other spouse is thinking or the reasons why one spouse did or said a certain thing. Stanley et al say that positive mind reading tends not to cause any harm. But they warn against a spouse indulging in negative judgments about actions, thoughts and motives of the other spouse. Such a pattern of thinking, they say, leads to the destruction of a marriage or a relationship.
Confirmation bias: “Sabi ko nga ba eh!”
The question is, why do people indulge in mind reading or negative interpretations? Stanley and his co-authors say that people, by their fallen, sinful nature, have the tendency to look for proof that confirms what they have already concluded about what is true about what their spouses (or other people) have said or done.
They call this “confirmation bias” and they say that even if people are completely wrong about their assumptions or interpretations, they will see only what they expect to see. In the vernacular, Filipinos would say, “Sabi ko nga ba eh!” when they engage in confirmation bias.
Dr. Eggerichs in his book “Love and Respect” emphasizes that men and women see things differently, or from blue and pink eyeglasses that color their interpretations of things. Eggerichs says that husbands should learn to look at things from the perspective of their wives and vice-versa.
People do tend to believe the worst about others or about events in their lives. An example would be the Old Testament patriarch Jacob in Genesis 42:35-38.
35. And it came to pass as they emptied their sacks, that, behold, every man's bundle of money was in his sack: and when both they and their father saw the bundles of money, they were afraid.
36. And Jacob their father said unto them, Me have ye bereaved of my children: Joseph is not, and Simeon is not, and ye will take Benjamin away: all these things are against me.
37. And Reuben spake unto his father, saying, Slay my two sons, if I bring him not to thee: deliver him into my hand, and I will bring him to thee again.
38. And he said, My son shall not go down with you; for his brother is dead, and he is left alone: if mischief befall him by the way in the which ye go, then shall ye bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave.
Notice the last part of verse 36 where Jacob says, “All these things are against me.” People really do believe the worst about their situations or about others. Or as someone has put it, “The only exercise some people do is jumping to conclusions.” People readily believe anything negative they hear about others (or even about their spouses) without taking the time to talk to the spouse or the person directly concerned about the point of misunderstanding, clarifying things without any preconceived judgments, and always giving the other person the benefit of the doubt.
Choose your counselors wisely
It is true what the Bible says about there being safety in a multitude of counselors, but please do make sure that your so-called counselors do not have any hidden or selfish agenda when they say anything negative about an important person in your life. Always ask your so-called counselors, “Can you say directly and in person to my husband (or wife, or special someone) what you just told me?”
If your so-called counselors don’t have the guts to say in person to your husband (or wife, or special someone) what they told you, then simply disregard whatever they have told you. Hold your judgments and conclusions until you have talked to the person concerned. Or, as Filipinos would say in the vernacular, “Huwag maniwala sa sabi-sabi!”
Maybe you have heard the term “due process” which is foundational to our system of law and justice. The term simply means, in the words of US Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr, “that which hears before it condemns.” In simpler words, fundamental fairness demands that you hear the other person out.
How so different from negative interpretations and mind reading is what the Apostle Paul said in I Corinthians 13: 4 – 7 about love, to wit,
4. Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5. Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6. Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7. Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Did you get that? Love thinks no evil (or does not engage in mind reading and negative interpretations, or in the vernacular, “hindi naniniwala sa sabi-sabi”). Love is not easily provoked (or does not readily believe anything negative said about a loved one without giving that person the benefit of the doubt and the chance to explain himself or herself). Love rejoices not in iniquity (or doesn’t engage in confirmation bias and says, in the vernacular, “Sabi ko nga ba eh!”).
I must admit that I have done my own share of mind reading and negative interpretations in the past, and am currently struggling to rid myself of these things so deeply ingrained in my fallen, sinful nature. It is a difficult struggle indeed for all of us. Perhaps A.W. Tozer said it best in his book, “The Pursuit of God” (copyright 1995 by Christian Publications) about the difficulty of putting our sins, our old nature to death, to wit,
“The ancient curse will not go out painlessly; the tough old miser within us will not lie down and die in obedience to our command. He must be torn out of our heart like a plant from the soil; he must be extracted in agony and blood like a tooth from the jaw. He must be expelled from our soul by violence, as Christ expelled the moneychangers from the temple. And we shall need to steel ourselves against his piteous begging and to recognize it as springing out of self-pity, one of the most reprehensible sins of the human heart.”
Where do we go from here? 2007 is over and we’re on the first day of 2008. We don’t know what this year will bring as these verses tell us:
