Wedding bells for Leili and Jarold!

(Leili was my Class '92 Rizalian yearbook editor in Rizal High School, Pasig City. I will post more pictures of her wedding once they become available.)

Hate Eight?

Eight kinds of husbands and wives

2007 is some three weeks old, and for sure a lot of you have been hearing and will be hearing wedding bells before January ends. As I stated in my article “June brides, wedding vows and coming attractions”, it is a myth, an urban legend that more people get married in June than any other month of the year. The truth is, as figures from the National Statistics Office would bear me out, more Filipinos get married in January than in June or in any other month.

The more sobering truth, however, is that for a lot of starry-eyed brides and grooms, they will find out who their husbands and wives really are only after the wedding. After the romance-filled, headlong rush into marriage, stark reality will set in, and men and women will begin to ask themselves, “Who is this person I married?”

In a previous article “Oldies but Goodies”, I mentioned Cecil G. Osborne’s book “The Art of Understanding your Mate.” Osborne’s book (by Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan) was published way back in 1970, some 37 six years ago! Back in 1970, bell bottom pants and long hair were the norm for men; the rock group Led Zeppelin ruled the airwaves; martial law had not yet been declared; and I was a first year high student in Rizal High School in Pasig. Those were the days, my friend! As the 1970’s song says, “We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun …”

In that brief review of Osborne’s book, I mentioned his Ten Commandments for husbands and wives. Another very interesting portion of Osborne’s book is his two chapters discussing eight kinds of husbands and eight kinds of wives.

Osborne’s book is drenched, however, with psychology. His book is filled with the psychological buzzword “neurotic.” There is, as you know, a raging debate between theology and psychology. My own views tilt heavily towards theology rather than psychology. I recommend that you read “Beyond Seduction: A Return to Biblical Christianity” by Dave Hunt; “Our Sufficiency in Christ” by John F. MacArthur; and the works of David Powlison and Randy Alcorn.

Although I may not agree with everything he says or recommends, Osborne’s classification of the eight kinds of husbands and wives makes very interesting reading. Okay, here we go with Osborne’s eight kinds of husbands (with a short description of each):

1. The explosive, argumentative, domineering husband: Because of immaturity and feelings of inferiority, this man becomes a tyrant over his wife and children through shouting, intimidation (whether physical or verbal), and never admits that he has made a mistake.

2. The compulsive husband: The compulsion may expresses itself in various forms – addiction to alcohol or drugs, over-devotion to work or any activity that either insulates him from close emotional relationships or from criticism.

3. The uncommunicative husband, further classified into (a) the passive, shy male; (b) the “strong, silent” husband; (c) the limited conversation husband; and (d) the turned-off” husband.

4. The child husband: Either this kind of husband has to prove his masculinity over and over again, or he is still tied to mother’s apron strings.

5. The hypochondriac husband: Remember the 1985 movie “Innerspace” starring Meg Ryan, Dennis Quaid and Martin Short? Hypochondriacs think they suffer from all kinds of sicknesses.

6. The passive, silent passive, or retreating husband: Either because of early childhood upbringing or a failure in work, this kind of husband has retreated into the safety of his own world, refusing to communicate with his family.

7. The playboy husband

8. The neurotic tightwad: Remember that famous scene in “Gone With The Wind” where Scarlette O’Hara promises herself that she will be never poor or go hungry again? Well, this kind of a husband fears not having money and thus keeps a tight watch over the family’s finances, with his own needs taking first place over that of his family.

Okay, okay, the wives among you might right now be nodding your heads vigorously and saying “Yes, yes, that’s exactly what my husband is like, and I just can’t wait to tell him to go and buy a copy of Osborne’s book so he can be the husband I want.” Well, hold your horses, ladies, and let’s first see Osborne’s list of the eight kinds of wives. Okay, here we go!

1. The overly-dominant wife: By whatever means, fair or foul, by threats or feigned sicknesses, this kind of wife gets her way with her husband and family.

2. The narcissistic woman: The whole world revolves around her; her husband and children exist to praise and affirm her.

3. The adult-infantile wife: Age does not guarantee growth in areas of personal responsibility, and this kind of a wife clings to her immature notions of married life.

4. The masculine-protest wife: This kind of a wife exhibits frigidity, either emotionally or sexually, and may have had a highly idealized father or brother, a domineering or a weak, passive father.

5. The martyr-wife: She gets attention she craves through her failures in life, her various illnesses, etc.

6. The passive-aggressive wife: This kind of wife, says Osborne, exhibits “passive and submissive, with aggressive and hostile tendencies.”

7. The jealous-possessive wife: Having lost a father or a beloved male figure, through death, separation or some other reason, this wife now strangles her husband with constant jealousy and suspicions about his activities and acquaintances

8. The depressed wife: Boredom, fatigue, sickness, any of several things may cause this wife to plunge into depression.

Okay, okay, the husbands among you might right now be nodding your heads vigorously and saying “Yes, yes, that’s exactly what my wife is like, and I just can’t wait to tell her to go and buy a copy of Osborne’s book so she can be the wife I want.”

Perhaps the most common criticism I’ve heard from women about their husbands is on their husband’s lack or failure to meaningfully communicate with them. All they hear from their husbands are, “Where are my slippers? Is dinner ready? Did you remember to iron my shirts? Sssh, be quiet, Angel Locsin’s on TV right now!” These women can’t understand how and why their husbands can, on the other hand, communicate so well with their colleagues at work, or why they can be so emotionally expressive while watching basketball games on television.

What does Osborne recommend that wives do when their husbands fall into any one of the classifications mentioned above? Well, in page 144, Osborne says, “A neurotic husband (and of course everyone is neurotic to some degree) needs precisely the very thing his wife feels incapable of giving him - loving tolerance. At the time he is the most unreasonable he is in need of the greatest amount of understanding and patience.”

As for husbands married to wives falling within any of Osborne’s classification, he says among other things:

“Creating the right emotional climate in the home is chiefly a wife’s responsibility. If she seems unable to achieve this, it becomes the husband’s responsibility to discover what he can do to help her create a wholesome atmosphere. A depressed, demanding, possessive, complaining wife – who may have much to complaint about – is setting the stage for marital discord. If she can, without anger or threats, make her needs known, she stands a better chance of working out a satisfactory marriage. If she cannot do this alone and unaided, she needs the help of a marriage counselor or some qualified person who can aid her in sorting out her feelings and finding a creative solution.”

You might also want to re-read my article entitled “Priceless counsel from a bargain sale book: How to save your marriage alone” where I reviewed Dr. Ed Wheat’s book “Love Life for Every Married Couple”. If you’re a wife who’d like to understand what makes your husband the way he is, please read my article “Why do men think the things they think, say the things they say, and do the things they do?”

Osborne’s full discussion of the characteristics of the eight kinds of husbands and wives makes for great reading. Please try to get hold of Osborne’s book. The last time I went to OMF Literature bookstore in Boni Avenue in Mandaluyong, I think I saw two or three copies of Osborne’s book. I don’t know if Osborne’s book is available in other Christian bookstores. But hey, if you want to read more about the characteristics of the eight kinds of husbands and wives, the bookstores will open on Monday at around 9 AM, and you can pick up the remaining copies of Osborne’s book. Don’t be late, okay? I hate late!

“Fleeting things and elusive dreams”

Tom Jones, FX taxis, men and women, husbands and wives, and back to the future

Sunday mornings, I ride Ayala-bound FX taxis on my way to church. I don’t know why but the past several weeks, the FX taxis I rode on seemed to have been set to the same radio station which plays the classic songs of 1960’s and 1970’s icon Tom Jones. I’m sure you have heard his song which goes like this: “You followed me to Texas, you followed me to Utah; We didn’t find it there, so we moved on ....” The very familiar chorus says, “I know you’re tired of following my elusive dreams and schemes, for they’re only fleeting things, my elusive dreams.”

2007 is just about two weeks old and much of the year is still in the future, so to speak. Did you know that wheelchair bound, Nobel Prize physicist Stephen Hawking once delivered before an audience of fellow scientists a lecture entitled, “Why can we remember the past but not the future?” Hawking said that the reason is that the arrow of time flies towards the future and not towards the past. Well, that sounds like the reasoning of a barbershop philosopher or a smart-alecky college student, but Hawking is a scientist with a world-class reputation for his revolutionary ideas about the universe, so we’ll just take his word for it, okay?

Anyway, speaking about the future, somebody once said that “the future is where men spend most of their time.” Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot in their book “Relationships” (copyright 1998; Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade and available at National Bookstore, PCBS, OMF Lit), in page 66, say that while men are busy talking about their future plans, schemes and dreams, the women in their lives are usually focused on the here-and-now. According to Drs. Les and Leslie, when men talk about their dreams and future plans, women are asking themselves the question, “What’s going on right now and how do I feel about it?” They say that “women focus on current feelings and experiences because these build emotional bonds of connection between them.”

Drs. Les and Leslie say that men are wired for “report talk” while women, by nature, engage in “rapport talk.” That is, men talk about facts, figures, plans, dreams, the future, while women talk about feelings and relationships.

H. Norman Wright, one of America’s most-loved family counselors, in his book “Communication: The key to your marriage” says pretty much the same thing about how men and women are wired differently from each other. You can read more about the differences between men and women in my article entitled “Do wives really want husbands to share their feelings and thoughts with them?”

It’s no wonder then that men and women too often find themselves in conflict with each other. So what’s the solution? Men and women should first of all understand and accept that they are wired differently. As Dr. Laura said in her book “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands,” women should realize that men don’t make good girlfriends! What she’s saying is that, women should not expect their husband to speak, react and relate the way their female friends do.

Having understood how men and women are wired differently, spouses can then make the necessary adjustments in the ways they relate to one another. If you’re a wife, let your husband talk all he wants about the future, his plans and dreams. After he’s through making his “report talk,” ask your husband to listen as you “rapport talk” about what your feelings are about what you as a couple are currently going through.

The bottom line for men, according to Drs. Les and Leslie, is that ”if you want to get down to the task of solving problems for the future with the women in your life, you must first take the time to explore their feelings about the present.”

If you want to read more about the works of Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot, their website is www.realrelationships.com. There’s a link to their website from this blog. Look for it in the right hand column. Okay, okay, I’ll make it easy for you. To get to their Real Relationships website, just click here.

Some of Drs. Les and Leslie’s books which I have bought and enjoyed reading are “Becoming Soul Mates,” “Questions Couples Ask,” and “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.” Like I said, these books are available in National Bookstore, PCBS, OMF Lit and other Christian bookstores.

The first time I read “Becoming Soul Mates,” I was riding an FX taxi going down from Antipolo after a court hearing. Well, well, well, riding FX taxis seems to be a creative trigger for me. I have previously written two articles (“Sad movies always make me cry” and “Emotional word pictures”) based on my experiences riding Ayala-bound taxis. I wonder, what’s going to happen this coming Sunday as I ride again on an Ayala-bound FX taxi on my way to church? Hey, I’m talking about the future!