Marian Rivera, Karylle, mind reading, and negative interpretations

I love watching news programs and last night, probably the country’s most-watched story on 24 Oras and TV Patrol was that of Marian Rivera’s highly-emotional outburst against fellow entertainer Karylle (does she have a surname?). It turns out that rumors are swirling that Marian is pregnant presumably by Dindong, Karylle’s ex-boyfriend. When Boy Abunda asked Karylle in a TV program as to what she can say about the rumors, Karylle smiled. Before she could answer however, Boy Abunda ended the interview (if I got the story right, that is). Because of Karylle’s mysterious smile, Marian in a press conference cried her heart out, saying she was deeply offended.

Well, well, well, Marian, Karylle and Dingdong … I taught journalism in Quezon City Science High School and Rizal High School from 1983 up to 1996 and I didn’t know how entertaining the news can be. For a few minutes last night, I forgot all about Congress and Cha Cha, the RH bill controversy, and the worldwide economic meltdown.

Negative patterns that can destroy your relationship or marriage

Anyway, I’d like to recommend to you an article by Kerby Anderson from the Probe Ministries website entitled “Why Marriages Fail.” While the article concerns itself with married couples, Marian can learn a thing or two. In this article, Anderson cites four negative patterns that can destroy your relationship or marriage. These patterns are escalation, invalidation, negative interpretations, and withdrawal and avoidance.

With regards Karylle’s mysterious smile and Marian’s negative interpretation, let me cite Anderson’s discussion about negative interpretations and mind reading:

“Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. When a relationship becomes more distressed, the negative interpretations mount and help create an environment of hopelessness. The attacked partner gives up trying to make himself or herself clear and becomes demoralized.

Another kind of negative interpretation is mind reading. Mind reading occurs when you assume you know what your partner is thinking or why he or she did something. Nearly everyone is guilty of mind reading at some time or other. And when you mind read positively, it does not tend to do much harm. But when you mind read on the negative side, it can spell trouble for a marriage.

In a previous post, I mentioned an incident between me and a friend. The incident went like this:

I have a good friend (my former high school yearbook editor way back in 1992), and several years ago, we got into a big fight over this issue of a man opening a door for a woman. I had taken pictures for her office of several farms in Tagaytay. On our way home, at C-5 and Buting in Pasig, I helped a woman reporter with her young son get down from the vehicle we were on. After I helped this woman reporter, I got back into the vehicle, completely forgetting about my friend who was sitting at the front. It was too late when I realized I didn’t help her out and that my friend had gotten off the vehicle by herself.

That Sunday, I texted her and apologized for not helping her get out of the vehicle like the way I did for that woman reporter and her son. My friend sent back a flaming text reply, saying that she could take care of herself and that even with her boyfriend, she was very independent.

Well, I texted her back immediately. Ha! I’m a guy and I wouldn’t take that kind of flaming text message sitting down! Just kidding! Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” I texted her saying, as far as I can remember, with these words, “I didn’t think of you as being helpless but rather as a woman who should always be honored and respected.”

Notice how these patterns came into play with this incident between my friend and me. When I texted her and apologized for not helping her get off the vehicle, she texted back with a negative interpretation of what I meant. If I sent back to her my own flaming text message, we would have moved to an escalation of the misunderstanding between us. Instead I replied with a message that validated her. That message calmed down things between us (after a month, she texted me saying that she had used my name as reference for her application for a new job). Although she didn’t say “sorry” or apologized outright for her negative interpretation and flaming text message, I positively interpreted her action as her way of saying sorry.

Back to Marian and Karylle

I am sure there’s more to the Marian-Karylle-Dingdong story than what TV news programs or tabloids are reporting. And so we don’t really know the complete background. But my unsolicited advice to Marian is not to do mind reading and negative interpretations. She will get married one of these days (to Dingdong perhaps; he’s single and available, right?) and she will come to know what these negative patterns can do to a marriage.

It's 2:25 PM right now. It's four hours and five minutes before 24 Oras and TV Patrol. I can't wait to know about what's happening with Marian and Karylle. Hmm, there's ANC News on cable's Channel 27 at 6 PM. Does RPN 9 still have its 5:30 PM newscast? Maybe I can watch that and learn more about Marian and Karylle ...