“Are you ready? Let’s get it on!”

Marriage: The ultimate fighting championship

Several days ago, the mixed martial arts program “Ultimate Fighting Championship” celebrated its historic 100th episode, with fights featuring Brock Lesnar, Frank Mir, Georges St. Pierre, and Tiago Alvez. Years ago, I was hooked on watching reruns of the UFC’s previous tournaments that started in the late 1990’s and featured fighters who since then have become legends in mixed martial arts – Royce Gracie, Ken Shamrock, Kimo, Marco Ruas, Maurice Smith, Mark Coleman, etc.

You see, back in the 1970’s and 80’s, I trained very briefly in martial arts like Modern Arnis, Aikido and a little bit of Kung Fu. At various points in time, I wanted to study Hapkido, Hwa Rang Do, Yaw Yan, Wing Chun, and Pai Lum Kung Fu. Until the middle 1990’s I had dozens of books and magazines on martial arts. For the Mini Press Conference I organized for Rizal High School in Pasig from 1984 up to 1991, I always included, as part of the activities, martial arts exhibitions by groups such as the National Tae Kwon Do Demonstration Team, the UP Tae Kwon Do team, the Wu Shu Federation of the Philippines, and the Arnis Philippines.

Anyway, going back to the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC), I stayed up late on weekends, totally engrossed in the tournament style of fighting that allowed everything – punching with bare knuckles, kicking, head butting, elbow smashes, ramming the knee to the opponent’s face and solar plexus, guillotine chokes, submissions, key locks, arm bars, triangle chokes, etc. A karate black belter could be fighting a Brazilian Ju-jitsu practitioner, or a judoka could be pitted against a boxer, and so on and so forth. There were no weight classes, and so, a puny welterweight could be paired against a 300 pound behemoth. I always got a thrill when the UFC chief referee “Big John” MacArthy would shout to the fighters, “Are you ready? Let’s get it on!”

But the no-holds barred fighting was the early days of the UFC. Later on, weight categories like that in boxing were introduced, fighters had to wear gloves, and certain things were outlawed – head butting, blows to the kidney area, etc. Thus, the tournament officials would always say that the UFC was a sport since the fighting was done within specific rules, weight categories, etc, and was not a free-for-all, no holds barred, everything plus the kitchen sink type of fighting.

From lovers to fighters

I wish I could say the same thing about the way a lot of married couples fight with each other …

I mean, from the stories of people I have counseled over the years, husbands and wives have fought each other, if not physically, then verbally and emotionally in a free-for-all, no holds barred, tit for tat, everything plus the kitchen sink type of fighting. One husband told me that one time when he was suffering from an asthma attack, his wife tried to choke him to death! One couple I know becomes “aerodynamic” whenever they would fight. They would grab hold of plates, bottles, vases, anything they could get their hands on, and hurl these things at each other, with their children helplessly cowering at the sidelines. I’m sure you know of husbands and wives who fight each other verbally and emotionally with insults, threats, ridicule, innuendos, accusations, put-downs and character assassination.

More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence

But not all marital fights I have been told about by my counselees have involved overt violence, whether physical or verbal. Some couples instead engage in silent warfare, with no one acknowledging that problems or tensions do exist, or with one partner avoiding and withdrawing from any discussion of whatever conflicts there may be.

As I told you several weeks ago, I’m reading through the book “A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan. Published by Jossey-Bass Publishers, the book is based on materials, research and a program from the University of Denver known as Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). The program has been extensively reported on by CNN and MNSBC, and by shows such as 20/20, 48 Hours, Good Morning America, Fox News, The Today Show and Oprah.

Dealing with domestic violence
 

Stanley and his co-authors clarify that PREP and their book are not meant to deal with domestic violence. They say that in cases of domestic violence, safety of the abused spouse and/or the children is the foremost consideration. If you want to know more about Republic Act 9262, our country’s landmark law on domestic violence, please read my previous articles like (1) Hope and help for the battered woman, statistics on domestic violence; (2) Salient provisions of RA 9262; (3) Protection Orders; (4) Mediation not applicable to domestic violence cases; (5) Emotional abuse and psychological violence; and (6) Biblical response to spousal abuse.

Ground rules for protecting a marriage from conflict

In Chapter 5 of their book, Stanley and his co-authors discuss the “ground rules for protecting a marriage from conflict.” They first establish certain foundational truths, to wit,

[1] There will be conflict even in a marriage between Christians.

[2] You can choose your reactions to your spouse’s hurtful words or actions. By taking responsibility for own behavior and avoiding “reckless words”, you can create the climate for a great marriage.

About two years ago, I offered to lend my book “Love Busters” by Willard Harley Jr. to a newly married woman. But she refused the offer, saying that she didn’t need to read the book since her marriage was “God-ordained.” I wonder if she still feels the same way after two years of marriage …

The reality of conflicts even in Christian marriages

You see, there will always be conflicts between a man and a woman within the framework of marriage. Genesis 3: 16 says, “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” Some people have said that the expression “thy desire shall be to thy husband” refers to a woman’s sexual desire for her husband, but we know that in a lot of situations that desire isn’t there. Conservative theologians like Woodrow Kroll say (correctly, in my opinion) that Genesis 3:16 should be read in relation to Genesis 4: 7 which states, “If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.” These theologians say that the expression “unto thee shall be his desire” in Genesis 4:7 is similar in words and grammar as Genesis 3:16.

Thus, the proper interpretation of “thy desire shall be unto thy husband” is that there will be conflicts and struggles between a husband and a wife in their sinful state as the woman tries to wrest control over the relationship divinely ordained for the man. (Please read my article on “The Myth of Mutual Submission” for more on this issue.)

B-E-S-T formula for a great marriage

The second foundational truth above sounds very familiar for those of you who have read Dr. Ed Wheat’s “Love Life For Every Married Couple” or Dr. James Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough.” I wrote a review of Dr. Wheat’s B-E-S-T formula for saving your marriage alone entitled “Priceless counsel from a bargain sale book” which you might want to re-read later on.

Stanley and his co-authors propose six ground rules by which couples can handle the inevitable conflicts in marriage and thus help these couples “work as a team to protect and strengthen their marriage.”

Ground Rule No. 1: When conflict begins to escalate, we will call a Time Out and either try talking again, using the Speaker-Listener Technique, or agree to talk later at a specified time about the issue, using the Speaker-Listener Technique.

By “Time Out,” Stanley and his co-authors mean deliberately not discussing a problem right now and setting a definite future time to discuss the problem. The purpose of the “Time Out” is to defuse the explosive situation so that the couple can discuss the problem at a definite time and date when they are both level headed and prepared.

Ground Rule No. 2: When we are having trouble communicating, we will engage the Speaker-Listener Technique.

The “Speaker-Listener Technique” that Stanley and his co-authors discuss in Chapter 3 of their book, is a way by which both spouses take turns in talking about the problem (instead of out shouting and interrupting each other), with the other spouse paraphrasing what the other spouse just said so that it becomes clear that he or she understood correctly what the other said or meant, etc. As James 1: 19 admonishes us, “… let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

As marriage counselors and pastors would say, husbands and wives should learn to bite their tongue. Words recklessly spewed out against a marriage partner can and will tear the very fabric of your marriage. Listen to what the Apostle James says about the tongue in Chapter 3, verses 3 to 12:

3. Behold, we put bits in the horses' mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body.
4. Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth.
5. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!
6. And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.
7. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:
8. But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
9. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.
10. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.
11. Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?
12. Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.

Relational skills for a man: Duck and dodge, bob and weave

Secular psychologist John Gray in his book “Mars and Venus: Together Forever” (copyright 1994, 1996 by J.G. Productions Inc.) tackles in Chapter 5 of his book some skills a man should know and practice whenever he finds himself in a fight with his wife. Gray teaches men how to duck and dodge, bob and weave whenever they are faced with an onslaught of emotions, a barrage of angry words from their wives. He says that when a woman talks out loud and expresses a lot of emotions towards her husband, what she really is doing is processing her thoughts and feelings about the matter or the situation.

In essence, Gray says that today’s women still long for strong men and don’t necessarily want their husbands to fold up and give in to whatever they’re saying. He says that most often, women simply want to feel heard and be considered. (Hey, duck and dodge, bob and weave, these are boxing terms!)

Ground Rule No. 3: When discussing an important issue, we will completely separate Problem Discussion from Problem Solution.

Stanley and his co-authors say that “Problem discussion is about understanding one another. Problem solving is about taking action together.” They warn that a lot of couples rush into decisions in order to avoid conflicts. When the hasty decision doesn’t work out, the couple becomes discouraged. As they point out, Proverbs 18:13 still holds true: “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.”

In Chapter 4 of their book, Stanley and his co-authors state three key assumptions that help couples create stronger marriages. These key assumptions are: [1] All couples have problems; [2] It is best to handle problems as a team; and [3] Rushed solutions are poor solutions.

In Chapter 6, Stanley and his co-authors discuss what they call “hidden issues” which so often underlie fights and disagreements between couples. These hidden issues are: [1] control and power; [2] needing and caring; [3] recognition; [4] commitment; and [5] integrity.

Ground Rule No. 4: We can bring up an issue at any time, but the listener can say “This is not a good time.” If the listener does not want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future (usually within twenty-four to forty-eight hours).
What does Ephesians 4:26 say? “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” Or in paraphrase, husbands and wives should keep short accounts with each other.

Ground Rule No. 5: We will have weekly couple meetings.

Stanley and his co-authors say that couples should deliberately carve time out of their busy schedules and not let anything or anyone interfere with this special time together. They say that this weekly couple meeting acts as a safety valve for the marriage because husbands and wives know that problems won’t be swept under the rug and conveniently forgotten. They further say that couples should always take this time together, if not to discuss problems, then simply to reconnect with one another. Emotional connection is achieved through conversation and the sharing of feelings, thoughts, ideas and plans between a man and a woman.

One time, while I was on an FX taxi on the way to Cubao, I overheard a conversation between the driver and his wife who was seated beside him. When we passed by Ali Mall, the wife began gently asking her husband to take time out and watch a particular movie with her. But the husband curtly replied, “That’s not important and is a waste of time. What’s important is for us to be able to provide food on the table for our kids.”

Well, well, well, that FX taxi driver and a lot of husbands should be reminded of how women measure their marriage. Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, said, “Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.”

Ground Rule No. 6: We will make time for the great things of marriage - fun, friendship, sensuality, and spiritual connection. We will agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.

Well, well, well, there you have it, men and women, six proven ground rules designed to keep the inevitable fights with your spouse within a reasonable and Biblical structure. So the next time you get into a problem or a fight with your spouse, remember and observe these ground rules, okay? Are you ready? Let’s get it on!

Happy Father's Day! [Men and women, boys and girls (2)]

“Why do men think the things they think, say the things they say, and do the things they do?”
This is a picture of my niece Chloe (Grade 3) and my nephew Gino (Grade 1) during a swimming and birthday party for one of their schoolmates in Greenhills Christian Fellowship. They’re both cute just like their uncle. Hey, what can I say? Cuteness is in our genes!

Last year, during the hot summer months, my cute niece Chloe and cute nephews Danfil, Darwin, and Gino would oftentimes bring out the inflatable pool, place it in our dinky driveway, air it up, and fill it up with water. My nephews would just put on their shorts and their goggles and jump right into the water. My cute niece Chloe however would always come up me and ask for help in putting on her goggles. As I helped her put on her goggles, she would always tell me in a stern voice, “Huwag mong guluhin ang buhok ko!” Women! I mean, women kids!

In previous articles entitled “Can you read my mind?” and “Do wives really want husbands to share their feelings and thoughts with them?” I discussed some differences between men and women, and how women, following Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s advice, should engage in direct communication with their husbands. I was a bit worked up writing that article, asking twice rhetorically, as to what women really wanted from men.

Tough and Tender

Well, I’ve got an “oldie but a goodie” of a book written by Joyce Landorf way back in 1975 which states what women do want from their husbands. Entitled “Tough and Tender,” Landorf says that wives want their husbands to be:

[1] The Decision Maker

[2] The Spiritual leader

[3] The Exceptional Listener

[4] The Wise Gentleman

[5] The Gentle Lover

Well, well, well, these don’t sound too difficult to be or to do, right, guys? But speaking as a lawyer who has counseled women over the years, I guess we have to admit that husbands really have a lot of work to do before reaching the standard that Landorf discusses in her book.

I’ve got to tell you that I am not married, and that the information and discussions in this blog about marriage and the family come firstly, from my readings and secondly, from my years of counseling women who either want to have their marriage annulled or who want to escape from abusive relationships. It’s not that I don’t want to get married because I do, as I told you in my previous “Covenant Marriage” article. It’s just that after having been turned down three times by the same woman, I’m beginning to get a little bit discouraged ...ü

In her last chapter (“A Most Unlikely Man”), Landorf enumerates several processes necessary for a man to grow into the man God intends him to be. These are:

[1] You may need a realignment of attitudes.

[2] You may need to change; Learn to live with your past mistakes; Let each partner move at his own pace and at his own rate of speed toward change; Consider how you, not your wife or your children, could change to make your life and marriage more meaningful.

[3] You may need to make a commitment to effort.

Well, we’ve heard from women what they want from us men. Perhaps it’s time now for women to listen how men think of themselves, how men really are, or simply, what makes men tick, so to speak.

Wild at Heart
 
John Eldredge, in one of his books (either “Journey of Desire” or “Wild at Heart”) says that people are not gender-less souls inhabiting male and female bodies. He says that we are created either as man or woman but either way, created in the image of God. What he says sounds truly Biblical, but I’m willing to be corrected by those of you who have better theological background than I have.

Eldredge in his book “Wild at Heart, Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul” (copyright 2001; published by Thomas Nelson Inc.) enumerates three universal desires which are the clues to masculinity itself. These are:

[1] A battle to fight

[2] An adventure to live

[3] A beauty to rescue

Eldredge is a superb writer, in the class of Philip Yancey. Four lines from his book which are worth the price of the book (quite expensive at almost four hundred pesos) are the following:

[1] Page 62: “Masculinity is bestowed.”
[2] Page 63: “Femininity can never bestow masculinity.”

[3] Page 184: “If masculinity has come under assault, femininity has been brutalized.”
[4] Page 211: “… The most terrifying question any man ever asks his woman: ‘What’s wrong?” After that it’s all mystery. A woman doesn’t want to be related to with formulas, and she certainly doesn’t want to be treated like a project that has answers to it. She doesn’t wan to be solved; she wants to be known.”

What eloquent words can I use to say that Eldredge is a great writer? Hmm, maybe “WOW!” would best sum it all up.

Please take note however that there might be some questions or reservations about Eldredge’s theology and ideas. In pages 30 and 31, for example, he espouses what is known in theology as “open theism,” that is, God takes real risks, not knowing the outcome of everything in the world. Calvinist theologian and Baptist pastor John Piper, I think, has effectively countered “open theism” in his book “The Pleasures of God.” Probe Ministries, in its review of Eldredge’s ideas, says that his language is inaccurate and that he sometimes confuses recklessness with manliness.

The Man in the Mirror
 
A lot of men measure their masculinity and worth through success, financially, academically or professionally. As the saying goes, “He who has the most toys, wins.” Or more eloquent still, “Big toys for the big boys!”

Using this criteria of success, Patrick Morley has definitely earned the right to speak about masculinity. He graduated with honors from the University of Central Florida and completed studies at Harvard Business School and reformed Theological Seminary. He founded Morley properties which in the 1970’s became one of Florida’s one hundred largest privately held companies. When his book “The Man in the Mirror” became a worldwide bestseller in 1989, he sold his business and founded his ministry to men, encouraging and inspiring new lives through Jesus Christ. His website is www.maninthemirror.org.

(The last time I looked, the only book of Morley which is locally available, beside “Man in the Mirror” is “Walking With Christ in the Details of Life.”)

Morley in his book discusses issues and problems that men struggle with. He answers the questions “Why do men think the things they think, say the things they say, and do the things they do?” Whether you’re a man or a woman, you will learn a lot from Morley’s discussion of the following issues:

[1] The Rat Race
[2] Leading an Unexamined Life
[3] Biblical Christian or Cultural Christian?
[4] Significance: The Search for Meaning and Purpose
[5] Purpose: Why Do I Exist?
[6] The Secret of Job Contentment
[7] Broken relationships
[8] Children: How to Avoid Regrets
[9] Wives: How to be Happily Married
[10] Friends: Risks and Rewards
[11] Money: A Biblical Point of View
[12] The Four Pillars of Financial Strength
[13] Decisions: How to Make the Right Choice
[14] Priorities: How to Decide What’s Important
[15] Time Management: Doing God’s Will
[16] Pride
[17] Fear
[18] Anger
[19] The Desire to be Independent
[20] Avoiding Suffering
[21] Integrity: What’s the Price?
[22] Leading a Secret Thought Life
[23] Accountability: The Missing Link
[24] How Can a Man Change?

Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart

The gender issues facing us today are primarily spiritual and theological at their core. Everything we do as humans is influenced strongly by our gender realities. Gender is a very basic element in dealing with our identity. In his or her soul, every human being asks a few basic questions: Who am I? Am I loved? Am I good or bad? Am I a boy or a girl – a man or a woman?

These lines are from Stu Webber’s book, “Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart” (copyright 1997; Multnomah Books; published in the Philippines by OMF Literature Inc). Webber is definitely a man’s man – he became an Airborne Ranger and then fought in the Vietnam War as one of the tough and elite Green Berets of the 5th US Special Forces. In one occasion, crunched inside a foxhole waiting to engage the Vietcong in bloody battle, Webber surrendered his life to God in full-time ministry.

Webber, drawing upon the work of secular psychologists Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette, says that there are four pillars of Biblical manhood upon which marriage, family, church and community (the nation) rest. All these institutions collapse when the pillars lean out of balance. According to Webber, these pillars and core characteristics of what a Biblical man truly is are the following:

[1] King – provides; core characteristic – cares deeply

[2] Warrior – protects; core characteristic - contends courageously

[3] Mentor – teaches; core characteristic - communicates transparently

[4] Friend – connects; core characteristic – connects deliberately

Citing Gillette and Moore, Webber in page 62 says that the common results in a man when a pillar is leaning, absent or abused are:

[1] King becomes either an abdicator or a tyrant, resulting in disorder and chaos, family dysfunction, and oppression;

[2] Warrior becomes a coward or a brute, results in fear, abuse, cruelty and hatred.

[3] Mentor becomes either a dunce or know-it-all, resulting in lack of discipline, personal immaturity, disregard for Scripture and spiritual insensitivity.

[4] Friend becomes a loner or a smotherer, resulting in unavailability, personal isolation, emotional detachment and illicit sensuality.

Probe Ministries has two articles on Webber's ideas which you might find interesting. These are "Four Pillars of a Man's Heart" and "Is the Tender Warrior Wild at Heart?"

Let’s hear it for the women!

A bonus part of Webber’s book is the postscript “A Woman Among The Pillars.” Here, Webber discusses the ways women can support the King Pillar of their husband’s hearts:

[1] Read, learn, apply and learn.
[2] Love unconditionally.
[3] Listen intently.
[4] Don’t expect him to meet all your emotional needs.
[5] Understand the power you have.
[6] See your husband as God’s gift to you.
[7] Appreciate the little things he does, as well as the “big” things.
[8] Give him some space.
[9] Physically appreciate him
[10] Follow his leadership.
[11] See your marriage as a journey, not a destination.

Well, ladies, there you have it, the keys to understanding the man in your life, from men about men, for men and women ... Happy Father's Day!

Relationship tip from Angel Locsin

As far as I am concerned, Philippine movie star Angel Locsin is the most beautiful woman in the universe.

Yesterday, in a TV Patrol interview, Angel Locsin said that she spent several hours a few days ago looking for a pair of white sneakers that her boyfriend really wanted to have. What’s her boyfriend’s name, again? Never mind, never mind … Anyway, she gave the sneakers as a birthday gift to her boyfriend who is currently abroad.

I don’t know if Angel Locsin has ever read Dr. Willard Harley Jr’s classic book “His Needs, Her Needs.” Dr. Harley said that gifts to men should be practical (like white sneakers for walking around comfortably), while gifts to women should be sentimental.

Hmm, let me see, what sentimental gift can I give to Angel Locsin (while her boyfriend is still abroad)?

Note: Dr. Harley’s website is www.marriagebuilders.com; Read a sample chapter of his book “His Needs, Her Needs”

Helpful articles on adoption, infertility, and related issues by Sandra Glahn

Posted below are links to several articles by Sandra Glahn on the issues of infertility and adoption. Sandra knows from personal experience how difficult infertility can be; she endured a decade of infertility treatment that included multiple pregnancy losses, three failed adoptions, and an ectopic pregnancy.

Sandra quotes Alice Domar, Ph.D., director of the Mind/Body Center for Women’s Health in Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center at Harvard Medical School: “The depression and anxiety experienced by infertile women are equivalent to that in women suffering from a terminal illness.”

• Positive Adoption Language
• Infertility: Myths and Facts
• A Heart's Desire: Encouragement for Couples Facing Infertility
• Infertility Tries Patients' Patience
• Facing the No-Baby Blues

P.S. Because some Filipinos intensely desire to have children, they have resorted to what is known as “simulation of birth” which is a criminal offense punishable by eight years of imprisonment. Please browse my Legal Updates blog post titled “Procedures in adoption under RA 8552” where I discussed the Philippine laws and procedures in adoption and what simulation of birth is.

Photo source: ChristianPhotos.Net - Free High Resolution Photos for Christian Publications

Men are terrible mind readers ...

For the last two weeks, I have been teaching Literature to 2nd year students of the Asia Baptist Bible College (a ministry of the Sta. Mesa Baptist Bible Church under Rev. Joseph Boyd Lyons). Since I began teaching this subject, I have spent the first week of this one-month long subject reading and discussing poetry (Shakespeare, John Milton, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Emily Dickinson, Omar Khayyam, Khalil Gibran, etc).

A consistent favorite among my students is the Philippines’ very own “Beyond Forgetting” written by Rolando Carbonell. As part of the graded activities, I require my students to recite “Beyond Forgetting” from memory. With some background music by guitar or piano, the students’ recitation of the poem can sometimes be, well, beyond forgetting …

Carbonell (who has seven earned doctorates!) wrote this love poem and several others for his wife in the 1960’s, if I’m not mistaken. I remember reading this collection of poems when I was an AB English student in Philippine Christian University in the late 70’s.

More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence

You might be wondering why I am talking about love poems in a blog that focuses on more practical issues in relationships, marriage and the family. Well, the persona in Carbonell’s poem, near the end of the poem, says, to wit,

You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference. But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart. For how could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone? But perhaps you didn’t understand.

“Silence is the language of my heart …” It’s great poetry, brimming over with passion that makes women swoon, but such sentiment about “silence speaking a more eloquent tone” is the stuff that breaks marriages apart. Or as someone has wisely put it, “More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence.”

Most experts in relationships and marriage will tell you that “communication is the key to your marriage.” In fact, there is a best-selling book by H. Norman Wright with these words as the title. Willard Harley Jr. in his classic book “His Needs, Her Needs” says that a man should spend at least 15 hours a week talking to his wife or girlfriend. Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The Five Love Languages” says that “Words of Affirmation” is a language that a lot of people speak. It is not silence, however eloquent it may be, but words of affirmation that bring vitality to a relationship.

The inability to talk to one another: symptom of a deeper problem

Dr. James Dobson, in his classic, best-selling book “Love Must Be Tough” (copyright 1983, 1996 by Word Incorporated; published 1999 in the Philippines by OMF Literature) however has a different take on the lack of communication between spouses. He says on page 26:

The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way one spouse begins to perceive the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped. That’s the key word, trapped.

But the fact is, during the intense, passion-filled days before marriage, a man and a woman can hardly keep themselves apart, talking, whispering, sharing secrets, plans, hopes, wishes and dreams. So what happens after marriage? The man retreats to reading his newspaper or watching the news on TV, while the woman tends the kids, watching the telenovelas by herself. So what happened? Too many wives and husbands have been hearing nothing from their spouses except for what Simon and Garfunkel said in their 1960’s hit song - the sounds of silence.

(Please read my post “Transformers: Why do persistent suitors become passive husbands?” You might also want to re-read my article “Love Potion No. 9” which discusses the effects of the so-called cuddle chemicals on the emotions of love, and what happens when these chemicals subside.)

Women’s foolish and persistent notion that men can read their minds

In the 1970’s the late Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder starred in a Superman movie that produced a hit song entitled, if I’m not mistaken, “Can you read my mind?” A common mistake that a lot of women make (okay, okay, some men also make this mistake) is assuming that their boyfriends or husbands can read their minds.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his website http://www.loveandrespect.com/ has a video clip where he narrates the story of a man and woman talking about where to celebrate their 5th wedding anniversary. It’s a very funny clip, but it shows how wives can sometimes leave their husbands hanging in mid-air, not knowing what women really want. And all because women have this foolish and persistent notion that if their boyfriends or husbands are really in touch with their emotions, they would be able to read their minds and know what they want.

Lest you think that I am just being chauvinistic, let me cite two authors (female, mind you) who encourage women to say directly to their husbands what they really want. These are Gaye Wheat, co-writer of the book “Intended for Pleasure” (copyright 1977 by Fleming H. Revel, 1981, 1997 by Ed and Gaye Wheat; published in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade and available in National Bookstore branches), and Dr. Laura Schlessinger (more popularly known in the US simply as Dr. Laura).

Gaye Wheat, in pages 153 and 154 of “Intended for Pleasure”, say:

It is amazing how silent we women are on something as important as the sex act in marriage. We wish in silence or we suffer in silence or we hope that this time he will be different, that this time he will think of doing that which we long for him to do. Why not just tell him?

While Gaye Wheat makes this wise observation in the context of a wife’s sexual relationship with her husband, this advice for a wife to speak up and say what she wants can be translated into other areas of marriage.

I’m sure a lot of you are now reaching out for your Bible and searching for Proverbs 27:5 which says, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.” Hebrew poetry is marked by parallelism, by the use of antithesis and synthesis. Most preachers have interpreted Proverbs 27:5 as an antithesis, but that’s wrong. The verse should be read together with Proverbs 28:234, Psalms 141:5 and Galatians 4:16, and should be interpreted as a synthesis. That is, if you love somebody, you should be brave enough, willing enough to confront that person about his errors and sins.

Men need direct communication from their wives

Dr. Laura has written a book entitled “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Probe Ministries, through Sue Bohlin, has a review of Dr. Laura’s book which you might want to check out. Dr. Laura says that women should realize that men need direct communication from their wives. Among other things, Dr. Laura says,

Men make terrible mind readers, so be direct. Dropping subtle hints doesn’t work with most men, and it doesn’t mean a man is insensitive, uncaring or oblivious.

The bottom line? Men cannot read their wives’ minds and neither should wives expect their husbands to be able to do so. It may be a lot less romantic for a woman to engage in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband, rather than dropping subtle hints here and there. But she will save herself a lot of heartaches and frustrations if she, as Gaye Wheat and Dr. Laura both say, engages in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband.

Marian Rivera, Karylle, mind reading, and negative interpretations

I love watching news programs and last night, probably the country’s most-watched story on 24 Oras and TV Patrol was that of Marian Rivera’s highly-emotional outburst against fellow entertainer Karylle (does she have a surname?). It turns out that rumors are swirling that Marian is pregnant presumably by Dindong, Karylle’s ex-boyfriend. When Boy Abunda asked Karylle in a TV program as to what she can say about the rumors, Karylle smiled. Before she could answer however, Boy Abunda ended the interview (if I got the story right, that is). Because of Karylle’s mysterious smile, Marian in a press conference cried her heart out, saying she was deeply offended.

Well, well, well, Marian, Karylle and Dingdong … I taught journalism in Quezon City Science High School and Rizal High School from 1983 up to 1996 and I didn’t know how entertaining the news can be. For a few minutes last night, I forgot all about Congress and Cha Cha, the RH bill controversy, and the worldwide economic meltdown.

Negative patterns that can destroy your relationship or marriage

Anyway, I’d like to recommend to you an article by Kerby Anderson from the Probe Ministries website entitled “Why Marriages Fail.” While the article concerns itself with married couples, Marian can learn a thing or two. In this article, Anderson cites four negative patterns that can destroy your relationship or marriage. These patterns are escalation, invalidation, negative interpretations, and withdrawal and avoidance.

With regards Karylle’s mysterious smile and Marian’s negative interpretation, let me cite Anderson’s discussion about negative interpretations and mind reading:

“Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. When a relationship becomes more distressed, the negative interpretations mount and help create an environment of hopelessness. The attacked partner gives up trying to make himself or herself clear and becomes demoralized.

Another kind of negative interpretation is mind reading. Mind reading occurs when you assume you know what your partner is thinking or why he or she did something. Nearly everyone is guilty of mind reading at some time or other. And when you mind read positively, it does not tend to do much harm. But when you mind read on the negative side, it can spell trouble for a marriage.

In a previous post, I mentioned an incident between me and a friend. The incident went like this:

I have a good friend (my former high school yearbook editor way back in 1992), and several years ago, we got into a big fight over this issue of a man opening a door for a woman. I had taken pictures for her office of several farms in Tagaytay. On our way home, at C-5 and Buting in Pasig, I helped a woman reporter with her young son get down from the vehicle we were on. After I helped this woman reporter, I got back into the vehicle, completely forgetting about my friend who was sitting at the front. It was too late when I realized I didn’t help her out and that my friend had gotten off the vehicle by herself.

That Sunday, I texted her and apologized for not helping her get out of the vehicle like the way I did for that woman reporter and her son. My friend sent back a flaming text reply, saying that she could take care of herself and that even with her boyfriend, she was very independent.

Well, I texted her back immediately. Ha! I’m a guy and I wouldn’t take that kind of flaming text message sitting down! Just kidding! Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” I texted her saying, as far as I can remember, with these words, “I didn’t think of you as being helpless but rather as a woman who should always be honored and respected.”

Notice how these patterns came into play with this incident between my friend and me. When I texted her and apologized for not helping her get off the vehicle, she texted back with a negative interpretation of what I meant. If I sent back to her my own flaming text message, we would have moved to an escalation of the misunderstanding between us. Instead I replied with a message that validated her. That message calmed down things between us (after a month, she texted me saying that she had used my name as reference for her application for a new job). Although she didn’t say “sorry” or apologized outright for her negative interpretation and flaming text message, I positively interpreted her action as her way of saying sorry.

Back to Marian and Karylle

I am sure there’s more to the Marian-Karylle-Dingdong story than what TV news programs or tabloids are reporting. And so we don’t really know the complete background. But my unsolicited advice to Marian is not to do mind reading and negative interpretations. She will get married one of these days (to Dingdong perhaps; he’s single and available, right?) and she will come to know what these negative patterns can do to a marriage.

It's 2:25 PM right now. It's four hours and five minutes before 24 Oras and TV Patrol. I can't wait to know about what's happening with Marian and Karylle. Hmm, there's ANC News on cable's Channel 27 at 6 PM. Does RPN 9 still have its 5:30 PM newscast? Maybe I can watch that and learn more about Marian and Karylle ...

“Want to get married?”

A look at what “covenant marriage” is all about

Note: Presently, only Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana in the USA have covenant marriage laws. Americans who are residents of other states are however allowed to avail of these laws.

This article discusses [1] what a covenant marriage law is; [2] Philippine laws on marriage; [3] divorce and remarriage for Filipino citizens; [4] covenant marriage declaration and covenant marriage vows; [5] how fundamentalist and evangelical churches in the US started the covenant marriage movement; and [6] my proposal for a covenant marriage law in the Philippines.

Other topics I will discuss in this post are [7] the dreary statistics on divorce and live-in relationships; [8] 2,000 weddings daily in the Philippines; 95% of today’s single adults still deeply desire to be married; and [9] Filipinos are bound by our laws, wherever they may be in the world.

G. K. Chesterton once said, “When a man says I love you to a woman, what he really means is that, of all the millions of women in the world, I choose you.” This is such romantic stuff that a lot of you might think this article will be all about some mushy stuff. But truth is, we will be discussing some rather heavy legal stuff about marriage which could make you think twice before proposing or saying “I do.”

Philippine laws on marriage

The Family Code of the Philippines, specifically Article 1, defines marriage as follows,

Marriage is a special contract of permanent union between a man and a woman entered into in accordance with law for the establishment of conjugal and family life. It is the foundation of the family and an inviolable social institution whose nature, consequences, and incidents are governed by law and not subject to stipulation, except that marriage settlements may fix the property relations during the marriage within the limits provided by this Code.

Article 3 of the Family Code furthermore states that “a marriage ceremony takes place with the appearance of the contracting parties before the solemnizing officer and their personal declaration that they take each other as husband and wife in the presence of not less than two witnesses of legal age.”

Dreary statistics on divorce and live-in relationships

Too bad however that marriage has been taking a beating in recent years in terms of divorces and out-of-wedlock relationships. There is a controversy as to exactly what the divorce rate is in the US, with figures ranging from a low of 25% to a high of 50%. (Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his book “Love and Respect” cites the divorce rate in the US as 50%.) The Barna Research Group reported that in 1998, the divorce rate in the US among born-again Christians (27 percent) and fundamentalist Christians (30 percent was higher than no-Christians (23 percent). What’s more tragic is 85 percent said they obtained their divorce after they became Christians!

Here in the Philippines, the number of cases of annulment, legal separation and declaration of nullity of marriage has been rising through the years. The Office of the Solicitor General reported that in 2007, there were a total of 7,753 cases filed by persons seeking to terminate their marriage. Out of this number, 2,582 cases were filed in Metro Manila. The total number of this kind of cases has been rising through the years: 4,520 cases in 2001; 5,250 in 2002; 6,848 in 2003; 6,335 in 2004; and 7,138 in 2006. From 2001 to 2007, the OSG received a total of 43,617 cases of annulment and separation.

Because of the high legal costs of annulment cases, a lot more people are simply splitting up without going through judicial proceedings. The DSWD has reported that in the CALABARZON area, some 40% of couples are merely living in. The percentage translates into some 90,000 couples. Either these couples are first timers who simply do not believe in legalizing their marriage, OR they were previously married and because of the legal impediments, are now just living in with their present partners.)
Based on the 2000 Census of Population and Housing, of the 57.1 million Filipinos aged ten years and over,

• One percent or 558,023 were either divorced or separated;
• 4.3 percent or 2.4 million were in live-in arrangements;
• 4.1 percent or 2.4 million were widowed;
• 45.7 percent or 26.1 million were married;
• 44 percent were single.

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95% of today’s single adults still deeply desire to be married; 2,000 weddings daily in the Philippines


And yet, despite the dreary statistics on failed marriages and broken families, marriage experts Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot say that 95% of today’s single adults still deeply desire to be married. Census figures reveal that only about 5% of people in the US over sixty five years old have remained single. Almost everyone wants to marry, plans to marry and eventually does. Incidentally, the slideshow above shows wedding pictures of my former students (Leili and Ela) and friends (Ptr. Alen and Ruth). I shot the wedding pictures of Ela and Robert, Ptr. Alen and Ruth.

Contrary to popular belief, more Filipinos get married in May than in June. According to a 2006 National Statistics Office report, there were 593,553 weddings in 2003. The “marry-est” months of the year for Filipinos are May with over 2,000 weddings daily, followed by December and January. August registered the lowest number of weddings. Why? Most probably because August is the rainiest month of the year.
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Some time ago, a pastor told me of an American couple attending his church in a southern Luzon province. He told me that the husband wanted to know how he and his wife could get married here under Philippine law. The husband, fearful of the high divorce statistics in the US, said that since the Philippines doesn’t have a divorce law, his wife wouldn’t be able to divorce him if they were married (again) under Philippine laws.

The reasoning sounds good, the intention is definitely commendable but, sad to say, it’s legally flawed. Before telling you why this is so, please take note of the provisions of the New Civil Code of the Philippines cited below:

Art. 14. Penal laws and those of public security and safety shall be obligatory upon all who live or sojourn in the Philippine territory, subject to the principles of public international law and to treaty stipulations.

Art. 15. Laws relating to family rights and duties, or to the status, condition and legal capacity of persons are binding upon citizens of the Philippines, even though living abroad.

Art. 16. Real property as well as personal property is subject to the law of the country where it is stipulated.

However, intestate and testamentary successions, both with respect to the order of succession and to the amount of successional rights and to the intrinsic validity of testamentary provisions, shall be regulated by the national law of the person whose succession is under consideration, whatever may be the nature of the property and regardless of the country wherein said property may be found.

Art. 17. The forms and solemnities of contracts, wills, and other public instruments shall be governed by the laws of the country in which they are executed.

When the acts referred to are executed before the diplomatic or consular officials of the Republic of the Philippines in a foreign country, the solemnities established by Philippine laws shall be observed in their execution.

Prohibitive laws concerning persons, their acts or property, and those which have, for their object, public order, public policy and good customs shall not be rendered ineffective by laws or judgments promulgated, or by determinations or conventions agreed upon in a foreign country.

Filipinos are bound by our laws, wherever they may be in the world

What these provisions say, especially Article 15, is that wherever Filipinos may be in, whether in the Philippines or anywhere else in the world, they have to follow our laws on marriage, as provided for in the Family Code. Our general legal principle is “lex loci celebrationis” which means that if a marriage by a Filipino is valid in the country where it is celebrated, then it is considered as valid here in the Philippines. But this principle does not apply in cases or situations where the Family Code has declared certain “marriages” as incestuous, bigamous or null and void for reasons of morality or public policy. Thus, a marriage between Filipinos who are first cousins may be validly solemnized in some countries but such a marriage will not be recognized as valid here in the Philippines.Also, a marriage abroad by a Filipino below 18 years of age may be valid in other countries but not here in the Philippines.


A divorce obtained by a Filipino abroad will not be recognized here in the Philippines
On the basis of Article 15 of the New Civil Code, a divorce obtained by a Filipino citizen will not be recognized here. Please read the following articles I have written on the issue of divorce and remarriage for Filipinos:

• Divorce obtained abroad by a Filipino not recognized here
• The right of a divorced Filipino spouse to remarry under Article 26 of the Family Code
• Ruffa, Ylmaz, TV Patrol, divorce and remarriage by Filipinos; John and Gretchen?

Let’s go back to that American husband who wanted to get married under Philippine law to insure that his wife will not be allowed to divorce him. Any foreigner wanting to get married here in the Philippines is required by the Family Code (Article 21) to present a “certificate of legal capacity to contract marriage” from his embassy or consulate. Thus a marriage between foreigners can be solemnized here in the Philippines, but in relation to Article 15 of the New Civil Code which I cited above, it is American law, or more specifically, the law of the state where that American is a legal resident, which will govern whether he or his wife can file for a divorce. (Although Article 15 applies precisely only to Filipinos, based on the legal principle of “processual presumption,” we can infer that the principle is the same in American law.)

Like I said, that American husband’s intention was definitely commendable but his reasoning was flawed. So was that American husband simply to be left hanging in mid-air, going through the years, continually fearful that his American wife could divorce him at any time and practically for any flimsy reason under what is known as the “no-fault divorce” laws in the US? Not necessarily; I told the pastor to tell that American husband to convert or “upgrade” his marriage into a “covenant marriage.”


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Only Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana presently have covenant marriage laws

As of this date, only the states of Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana have what is known as “covenant marriage laws.” Here in the Philippines, we only have the kind of marriage provided for by the Family Code, also referred to as “contract marriage.” The Louisiana law on covenant marriage is Act 1298 of 1999, while Arizona’s covenant marriage law enacted in August 1998 is found in Sections 25-901 through 25-906 of the Arizona Revised Statutes. You can read the Arizona Supreme Court brochure on covenant marriage in PDF or Word doc format.
(It might interest you to know that US Republican Party presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee, formerly a Southern Baptist preacher, upgraded his contract marriage into a covenant marriage more than a year or two ago.)

Elsewhere in the US, only “contract marriages” are available, that is, a couple wanting to get married has to get a marriage license, and in front of two witnesses, take each other as husband and wife in a ceremony solemnized by an authorized person. (Articles 1 to 34 of the Family Code provide basically the same requirements for marriages by Filipinos.) If for some reason the marriage doesn’t work out, American couples can them resort to their state’s no-fault divorce, the main ground being irreconcilable differences. California was the first state to enact a no-fault divorce, in 1969. Since that time, nearly every state in the US has enacted a no-fault divorce law. It’s called as “no-fault divorce,” because neither party ascribes blame for the breakdown of the marriage on the other party.

Due to the alarming increase of divorce statistics since the introduction of no-fault divorce and as a reaction against same-sex marriages (sometimes called as “commitment ceremonies”), state legislatures like that of Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana enacted their covenant marriage laws. To put it simply, a covenant marriage law makes it more difficult to get married and even more difficult to get a divorce. Basically, besides the requirements for a contract marriage, persons wanting to enter into a covenant marriage need to fulfill the following requirements:

[1] They must go through a pre-marital counseling provided for a state authorized marriage counselor or by a religious minister. Such counseling includes the seriousness of entering into a covenant marriage as opposed to a contract marriage, and other aspects of married life including financial management.

[2] They must sign a contract or declaration stating that they have chosen their mates wisely and for life, and they bind themselves to seek counseling if their marriage encounters difficulties.

[3] The grounds for divorce are severely limited to adultery, physical or sexual abuse of the other spouse or of a child, abandonment for more than a year, drug or alcohol abuse, or when a spouse has been found guilty of a capital offense.

[4] The divorce proceedings are held in abeyance for a certain period, sometimes extending up to two years, while the couple undergoes marriage counseling.

Existing marriages in Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana are not affected by the covenant marriage laws, and persons with existing “contract marriages” can choose to convert their union into a covenant marriage. Of course, couples wanting to get married can choose, in the first place, a contract marriage instead of a covenant marriage.

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Covenant marriage declaration

In entering into a covenant marriage, couples are required to sign a “declaration” which goes like this:

We solemnly declare that marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman who agree to live together as husband and wife for as long as they both live. We have chosen each other carefully and have received premarital counseling on the nature, purposes and responsibilities of marriage. We understand that a covenant marriage is for life. If we experience marital difficulties, we commit ourselves to take all reasonable efforts to preserve our marriage, including marital counseling.

With full knowledge of what this commitment means, we do declare that our marriage will be bound by Arizona law on covenant marriages and we promise to love, honor and care for one another as husband and wife for the rest of our lives.

As I noted above, only Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana currently have covenant marriage laws. Sad to say, however, the covenant marriage bill in Oklahoma was defeated in the state legislature two or three years ago, despite the strong backing from Governor Frank Keating. In Oregon, Georgia and Texas, covenant marriage bills have passed only one house of the state legislature. (Wikipedia has a short but informative article about covenant marriage.)

Fundamentalist and evangelical churches started covenant marriage movement

The concept of covenant marriages however did not start with politicians and legislatures. Fundamentalist and evangelical churches in the US started what is now known as the “covenant marriage movement” that seeks to strengthen the institutions of marriage and the family. Just like the celebration of Mothers’ Day or Fathers’ Day, some churches have a designated “Covenant Marriage Sunday.” Dr. Bob Christensen has a covenant marriage ministry which offers documents that are social, moral and spiritual rather than legal contracts. Some of these contracts are the Covenant Marriage Document and the Pastor's Pledge.

There is even an unofficial, suggested covenant marriage vow poem being used by some churches. Phil & Cindy Waugh, former missionaries, also have their own covenant marriage ministries.

Dr. Gary Chapman, renowned marriage counselor, has also written a book entitled “Covenant Marriage” where he encourages couples to commit themselves to “steadfast loyalty, forgiveness, empathy, and commitment to resolving conflict so as to encourage each other in spiritual growth”. Chapman also shows how “communication and intimacy are two of the most important aspects in developing a successful covenant marriage.”

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A covenant marriage law for the Philippines

Like I noted above, the Family Code of the Philippines, specifically Articles 1 to 54 of Title I, provide only for “contract marriages.” Perhaps it’s high time for our Senate and the House of Representatives to get their acts together and pass a “covenant marriage law” patterned after that of Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana.

But taking our cue from the covenant marriage movement in the US, let’s not wait for our politicians to get their acts together. Churches and pastors should have a well-thought out, consistently applied pre-marriage seminars for their members contemplating marriage. Pastors should not be content with merely talking to the prospective bride and groom for an hour or two, engaging in general topics (Do you really love each other? Do you understand the seriousness of getting married? Do you know how to cook?) and calling it as pre-marriage counseling.

In Sunday sermons or in small group seminars, there should also be continuous education for husbands and wives. Our bookstores are overflowing with books and materials on marriage and relationships, on communication between spouses, etc, and the Internet itself is an almost inexhaustible source of materials on marriage and family life.

One book I highly recommend is Bill and Lynne Hybels’ book entitled “Fit To Be Tied” (copyright 1991; Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade). Although I don’t necessarily agree with all of Bill Hybels’ theology and methodology, I can say that “Fit To be Tied” is one of the very best books I have ever read on marriage and family life. On page 35, Bill Hybels says,

Though I do few weddings now, earlier in my ministry I did all the weddings at our church. Sometimes there were three or four weddings per weekend. I would stand with my Bible open, explaining God’s guidelines for marriage. The radiant young woman and the excited young man would stand within fourteen inches of me, meeting my gaze with a beam of shared love and passion and electricity. Incredible! Then they would repeat their vows of lifelong devotion and float out of the chapel. Six months later they would crash like a plane out of the sky. Devastated. Crushed. Another dashed dream.

One idea on pre-marriage counseling I have had for years is this: Persons who want to get married should inform the pastor of their marriage plans months before the set date. The pastor then requires the prospective groom to be counseled, for several weeks, by the married men of the church, and the prospective bride by the married women, over a period of time. The prospective groom and bride then exchange counselors, that is, the groom is now counseled by the married women, and the bride by the married men. As a finale, the prospective groom and bride are counseled by the married men and women as one group. (Perhaps also, the prospective groom and bride can spend some time in the houses of some volunteer couples, so they can observe first hand what married life really is all about.)

There is a Biblical basis for this kind of marriage counseling I propose. It’s found in Titus 2:1-7 which say:

1. But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine:
2. That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience.
3. The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
4. That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5. To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
6. Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded.
7. In all things shewing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine shewing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity,
8. Sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you.

Two years ago, I talked with a newly-married woman, offering to lend her my copy of Dr. Willard Harley’s book “Love Busters, Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love.” Incredibly, she said that she didn’t need to read it, or any book on marriage and relationships for that matter, because her marriage was “God-ordained.” Contrast this naive belief with what Debra Evans says in her book “The Christian Woman’s Guide to Sexuality” (copyright 1997; published by Crossway Books, a division of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois). Speaking to wives about the realities of marriage, Evans says in page xiv,

“Marriage requires our strenuous commitment – a continuing, conscious effort to remain open and obedient to God’s transforming work in our lives – over a period, in many cases, of hundreds of months and thousands of days. A successive series of seasons will bring changes, some welcome and some not, to the cherished bond we share with our husbands. Adapting across a span of years takes us deep into the hidden places of our hearts.”

So, who wants to get married? Or perhaps, the right question to ask is, Who wants to have a covenant marriage?

I do! I do!