Sunday, October 28, 2007

Life after Life [3]

Note: I have posted this article twice before (the first sometime 2006 and the second time around April this year). I am reprinting it again here in view of the Glorietta 2 incident two weeks ago which has claimed eleven lives and wounded several dozens of people.

The last few days, television news programs have brought to us the heart-rending stories, among others, of friends who were just meeting for a mini-reunion and which turned out to be their last, of hardworking fathers, loving daughters, etc. innocent victims of either a deliberate bombing or an industrial accident. Yesterday, the Philippine Daily Inquirer published the touching and tragic story entitled "Losing Leslie" about Carlo Cruz and his wife, one of the victims in the Glorietta 2 incident.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

One of the hit movies worldwide in the 1970’s was “Sunshine” starring Cristina Raines and Cliff de Young, I think, based on the tape-journals kept by a young mother dying of leukemia. I’m sure you have heard the movie’s theme song by John Denver. I watched this movie three times, I think, on TV reruns; hey, what can I say? I’m a sentimental kind of guy!

“Sunshine” is probably the only movie about death and dying that has become a huge box office hit. As the man on the street would say, What kind of a movie is it if the hero dies at the end?” The story is told that in one Fernando Poe Jr. movie, moviegoers in Muslim Mindanao rioted when the character played by “Da King” died at the end of the movie.

Several weeks ago, we heard and saw on television news reports of the tragic story of former teen idol Darius Razon - losing his daughter in a fire several years ago, and three weeks ago, his son Denver in a car accident …

Somehow it seems unnatural for a man’s children to die ahead of him. Nature seems to dictate that parents are buried by their children, and not the other way around. I remember several years ago, there was a plane accident in Mindanao where all the passengers and crew died. During an interview, a grieving mother said of her college-age son (one of the passengers), “I didn’t think he would die at such at a young age.”

Death is an inescapable fact of life

Everyone who has ever lived died. Everyone living now will eventually die. I think it was Sigmund Freud, father of psychoanalysis, who said, “Death is the goal of life.” The late Peter Marshall, famous preacher and chaplain to the US Senate, once said, "Death is not a wall; it's a door." So it's really fitting to speak of "life after life" and not "life after death."

John Donne, poet and preacher to England’s monarchy more than a century ago, described death this way,

“All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be translated. God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God’s hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall be open for one another.”

The Bible in Hebrews 9:27 says it simply but definitively: “For it is appointed unto men once to die, and after this, the judgment.”
In law school, I took a one-unit required, non-bar course called “Medical Jurisprudence.” My professor was a very kind medical doctor and who was the town vice-mayor at that time; he passed me even though I didn’t get to read through the textbook. But then again, in the late 70’s, I was a great fan of the TV series “Quincey, Medical Examiner” starring Jack Klugman. “Quincey” is the forerunner of the various “CSI” shows today. I learned a lot of forensics from watching “Quincey”, enough to pass the final exams in Medical Jurisprudence.

The only thing I can remember now from that course was that one way of determining death was to place a mirror near the patient’s mouth and nostrils. If the mirror wasn’t fogged, then the patient was deemed to have stopped breathing and then pronounced dead by the attending doctor. (Hmm, this could be the reason why women carry around with them a “compact” with face powder and a mirror in it. Some women would rather die than be caught in public without their make-up. Just kidding! I just couldn’t resist this kind of non-sequitur jokes and comments!)

Various criteria for declaring a person dead

It is said that the ancient Greeks, despite using the best means available to them, were puzzled as to why the human body weighed the same before and immediately after death. They wondered as to what was missing in the human body so that what was once alive was now dead.

The medical community, here and abroad, has used several criteria by which to determine whether a person is dead or alive. These are:


(1) Heart-lung death: the irreversible cessation of spontaneous respiration and circulation

(2) Whole-brain death: the irreversible cessation of all functions of the entire brain, including the brain stem, even if the heart and digestive systems are still functioning

(3) Higher-brain death: the irreversible cessation of all cognitive functions such as personality, consciousness, uniqueness, memory, judgment, reason, enjoyment, worry, etc.
The Philippines legal definition of “death”

Republic Act 7170 or the “Organ Donation Act of 1991” in Section 2, paragraph (j), defines death this way:

j) “Death” - the irreversible cessation of circulatory and respiratory functions or the irreversible cessation of all functions of the entire brain, including the brain stem. A person shall be medically and legally dead if either:

(1) In the opinion of the attending physician, based on the acceptable standards of medical practice, there is an absence of national respiratory and cardiac functions and, attempts at resuscitation would not be successful in restoring those functions. In this case, death shall be deemed to have occurred at the time those functions ceased; or
(2) In the opinion of the consulting physician, concurred in by the attending physician, that on the basis of acceptable standards of medical practice, there is an irreversible cessation of all brain functions, and considering the absence of such functions, further attempts at resuscitation or continued supportive maintenance would not be successful in restoring such natural functions. In this case, death shall be deemed to have occurred at the time when these conditions first appeared.

The death of the person shall be determined in accordance with the acceptable medical practice and shall be diagnosed separately by the attending physician and another consulting physician, both of whom must be appropriately qualified and suitable experienced in the care of such patients. The death shall be recorded in the patient’s medical record. 

s far as my research goes, the Philippine legal definition of death was patterned after two American laws - the Uniform Anatomical Gift Act (1970) and the Uniform Determination of Death Act (1980). Please take note that the Philippine criteria is in the alternative; it is either heart-lung death OR whole brain death.

Criteria for death and related issues (euthanasia, quality of life, organ transplantation, etc)

The issue of determining how and when death has occurred is a raging controversy because of the inter-related issues of euthanasia, the quality of life of a terminally-ill patient, organ transplantation and even racism. (Why racism? Black Americans are afraid that white American doctors might be trigger-happy, so to speak, in pronouncing them dead for the purpose of harvesting their organs for the lucrative business of transplantation of organs.)

Dr. David Anderson of Faith Baptist Church, Sarasota, Florida, has a very informative article entitled “A Brief Summary of End-of-Life Bioethics.” He provides clear and helpful definitions of the various terms like “patient self-determination,” “living will,” “advance directive,” “persistent vegetative state,” “do not resuscitate order,” etc. He also presents a point by point rebuttal of “physician-assisted suicide.”

Anderson also agrees with the “brain-death” criteria for determining whether a person is dead or alive. He says, “Using a clinical determination of brain death is a far more acceptable standard than using levels of consciousness, social interaction, or degrees of personhood. The brain death criteria is as an objective determination of death as is possible at this phase in medical science .... Brain death appears to be the most reliable standard for determining death.”

Criticism of the validity of brain death criteria

Paul A. Byrne, M.D. in his article “Understanding Brain Death” for the Vital Signs Ministries, however, disputes the validity, accuracy and the morality of the brain-death criteria for determining death. He says passionately right at the beginning of his article,

“All general criteria used as standard up to 1968 developed from the intention to make sure that a person who is still alive will not be treated as if dead. On the contrary, the new criteria are intended to prevent someone from being treated as alive when already dead. The new criteria are intended not only to decide as soon as possible when someone is dead, but among other options to clear the way for the excision of vital organs - action which, if a mistake has been made, is certain to kill the still-living patient. Since any criterion nowadays must subserve organ transplantation as well as other purposes, any new general criterion of death must be at least as certain as the older ones, since a mistake here would be lethal. Yet, the new criteria are far less certain than the older ones; they are not merely uncertain but certainly wrong in principle.”

Further on in his article, Byrne states his preference for the heart-lung death criteria: “Before 1968, a patient was pronounced dead by a physician who observed no circulation, no breathing and no reflexes. While these observations and criteria for pronouncement of death were not infallible, they were very reliable.”
Byrne says that “cessation-of-brain-function laws, if followed by living will and death with dignity laws, will all be a part of, or lead to euthanasia.” In one of his conclusions, he states emphatically, “Death ought not to be declared unless the circulatory and respiratory systems and the entire brain have been destroyed, i.e. no longer having the capacity to function.”
Death, serious sickness or traumatic injuries can possibly come into the lives of our families or friends one of these days. I recommend that you read these articles by Anderson and Byrne so that you will be prepared in confronting the questions of organ donation, when to say “stop” in doctors’ attempts to resuscitate your loved one, euthanasia, the quality of life of a terminally-ill patient, etc.

Remembering my father and mother

Sometime in 1976, my father, walking home alone after the Sunday morning service at the Mandaluyong Bible Baptist Church in Nueve de Febrero St. became dizzy and fell into a ditch. He had been lying in the ditch for some time before someone saw him and brought him to the nearby Waterous Hospital.

My mother, sisters and I rushed across the street to the hospital to see him. My father was conscious, with a deep, ugly wound on his forehead. I remember holding on to my father’s hand and praying, “Lord God, please don’t let my father die. I’m already in college but I really don’t know him, who he is, who and what he was like before I was born …”

God did spare my father’s life at that time. My father stayed at home for several months recuperating, and every chance I had, I stayed in the house, talking with him, or just letting him tell stories about his guerilla days in World War II, fighting the Japanese in the Ipo Dam campaigns. Sometimes, I would just stay near him, as he lay in bed, listening to his favorite radio personality Mel Tiangco. In 1986, my parents went to the US to live with my eldest sister. I kept in touch with my father intermittently through greeting cards and short phone calls. Sometime April 1991, he died of a heart-related problem.

From time to time after my father’s death, my mother would come home from the US for short visits. I looked forward to getting home in the afternoons, because I knew that my mother would be preparing something delicious - siopao, empanada, broccoli boiled in water with a little salt and then dipped in mayonnaise, etc. During the impeachment hearings against President Estrada, my mother and I would watch the proceedings on television for hours. My mother wanted to spend the rest of her days in a farm in Dumaguete but that wish didn’t come true. She died in the US August 2004 because of an inoperable, flattened heart vessel.

Biblical perspective of death

I think it was martyred missionary Jim Elliot who said, “When it’s your time to die, make sure that all you have to do is die.” What he says, I think, is not to leave any loose ends in your life - no words of love, affirmation or encouragement left unsaid; no hurts and heartaches inflicted by other people left unforgiven; none of your own sins and offenses against other people left unconfessed …
The Apostle Paul says in I Corinthians 15:51-58:

Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,

In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.

For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality.

So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?

The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.

But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Apollo Moon Documentary Bears Witness
for a Creator


By Mark Ellis, Senior Correspondent, ASSIST News Service

LONDON (ANS) -- A film documenting the Apollo moon project using rare footage from NASA contains numerous spiritual references pointing to the existence of God.

“In the Shadow of the Moon” opened September 7th to positive reviews, including a “Critic’s Choice” designation by the L.A. Times and an award at the 2007 Sundance Film Festival.

“It’s a film about the experience of going to the moon told by the people who went – in their own words,” says David Sington, who directed the film. One of Sington’s associates got acquainted with Dave Scott, commander of Apollo 15 and the first man to drive on the moon. “They wanted to organize a reunion of moonwalkers,” Sington says. “That grew into an idea of doing a reunion on film.”

For the complete article by Mark Ellis, please surf over to my Campus Connection blog. You might also want to play this Flash movie "God of Wonders" by Tim Gibson. My personal preference is still the traditional hymns but Gibson's movie is quite appropriate here.






Friday, October 12, 2007

Relationships, social isolation, heart disease, premature death, and a cat named Angelica

Meoow! We’ve got dissension in the house. Gino wants to name the kitten “Jasmine”, Chloe wants her named “Catherine” and Darwin says it’s a boy. This really calls for application of RA 9285 or the Alternative Dispute Resolution Act of  2004.For the past month or so, my grade school nephews Gino and Darwin and niece Chloe, and I have been taking care of a cat and her kitten. For reasons known only to Gino and Chloe, they have named the cat “Angelica.”

From Angelica’s pregnancy until this time, we have been feeding her several times a day with the leftover food – mostly bones of chicken and fish. She waits patiently at the door while we’re eating and eagerly feeds on what we give her.

Needless to say, she’s a well-fed cat and her kitten’s a well-fed baby. Three weeks ago, when Angelica wasn’t around, Gino, Darwin, and I tried to get the kitten to drink some milk (Enfapro, Bonamil, or just coffe creamer, I don't remember now). We placed the milk in a small container, held the kitten by the head, and dunked its mouth several times into the milk.

Okay, okay, most of you might be thinking right now that I have run out of topics to write about and so I have begun writing about trivial things most blogs are notorious for. On the contrary, the point of this post is all about relationships.

Relationships a significant factor in living healthier and longer

James S. House of the University of Michigan said, “The data indicates that social isolation is as significant to mortality as high blood pressure, smoking, high cholesterol, obesity and lack of physical exercise.” A study by the University of California at Berkeley found that “adults who do not cultivate nurturing relationships, refusing even to own a pet, have premature death rates twice as high as those with frequent caring contact.”

Did you get that? You could die early not only because of high blood pressure, smoking, high cholesterol, obesity and lack of physical exercise, but also because of loneliness or social isolation. If you refuse to be involved in relationships (with other men and women, or even with a pet), you could die early too.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, in their book “Relationships” (1998), hit the nail squarely on the head when they said, “Today more than ever, people long for connection.” The tremendous success and popularity of social interaction websites are rock solid evidence of their observation. Facebook, started about four years ago by a college student, now has more than 40 million registered users worldwide. My Space probably has a hundred million or more users. YouTube, the immensely popular publish your own video Internet service, reached more than ten million members in Japan in just 14 months. After Yahoo and Google, perhaps the most popular site among Filipinos is Friendster.


Relationships literally a life and death issue

The Parrotts’ book “Relationships” is a great read. It is divided into these chapters: Our Longing for Belonging; The Compulsion for Completion; Keeping the Family Ties from Pulling Strings; Crossing the Gender Line; Friends to Die For; What to Do When Friends Fail; Falling in Love Without Losing Your Mind; Sex, Lies and the Great Escape; Breaking Up Without Falling Apart; and Relating To God Without Feeling Phony.

The book is locally reprinted by Christian Literature Crusade and is readily available in bookstores. Perhaps the most memorable line from the book is on page 27 that goes like this, “When your goal is to be needed, you’re not to going to attract the healthiest of people. Any generic boyfriend or girlfriend will do.”

Marasmus, as defined in medical dictionaries, is the “chronic wasting of body tissues, growth retardation, especially in young children, commonly due to prolonged dietary deficiency of protein and calories.” As narrated by Drs. Les and Leslie in their book, when doctors during World War II diagnosed marasmus for the first time, the problem and the solution were merely thought to be a matter of good nutrition. But, despite good nutrition and pleasant living quarters, a group of orphaned babies kept dying of marasmus. The solution UN doctors came up with was simple but immediately effective: nurses who took care of the babies were told to hug, kiss, play with, and talk to the babies.

Our deepest desire: To know and be known

One of my favorite writers is John Eldredge (The Sacred Romance; The Journey of Desire: Searching for the Life We’ve Only Dreamed Of; Wild at Heart: Discovering The Secret of a Man’s Soul). I gave my two copies of “The Sacred Romance” to friends. The books, available in OMF and PCBS, are quite expensive at more than three hundred pesos each, but they are worth every single centavo.

In the book “The Journey of Desire” (Thomas Nelson Publishers; 2000 copyright), page 126, Eldredge states:

There is an aloneness, an incompleteness, that we experience every day of our lives. How often do you feel deeply and truly known? Is there another soul to whom a simple glance is all that is necessary to communicate depth of understanding? Do you have someone you can commune in love? This is our inconsolable longing – to know and be known.
Which brings me back to Angelica and her kitten …

I turned 51 last September, I am not married, and I don’t have children. I don’t know how to use My Space, Yahoo Messenger, and I don’t like Facebook or Friendster. But I do have Angelica and her kitten. But the last week or so, I have seen Angelica and her kitten going “neighboring” in our subdivision. A few weeks from today, that kitten would be off to fend for itself, and Angelica would, true to her feline nature, be looking for another mate. So where does that leave me? Social isolation, heart disease, premature death … No! No! No! Hmm, every day on my way home, I see a lot of stray cats roaming the streets. Perhaps, I can bring several big sacks with me tomorrow and … Yes! Yes! Yes!

We are indeed truly known

Pastor John Piper in his book “The Pleasures of God” (locally reprinted by CGM) explains that God was perfectly happy within the fellowship of the Trinity but in His mysterious and sovereign plan, He created man to have fellowship (read that “relationship”) with Him.

Psalms 139 probably best sums up what this kind of relationship is supposed to be like:
1. O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.
5. Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
6. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
7. Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8. If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10. Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12. Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
13. For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
14. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
18. If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
19. Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
20. For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
21. Do not I hate them, O Lord, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?
22. I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.
23. Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
24. And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Acronyms for better marriages: BEST, COUPLES, CHAIRS, ZTE and NBN

Okay, okay, ZTE and NBN are not acronyms on marriage and relationships. These initials stand for corruption in high places, mega-million dollar bribes and ... okay, okay, I don't want to get involved in these political controversies so I've got to back off!

The famous jingle for a local pop radio station rhetorically asks its listeners “Kailangan pa bang i-memorize’yan?” on issues that, in its often irreverent, wacky perspective, are so common sense, so clear that memorization should be absolutely unnecessary.

Marriage is the most difficult human relationship, and people who get married in their late teens and early twenties are especially in for an uphill struggle. One time, a former co-teacher asked me for help in annulling the marriage of her twenty-year old daughter. The daughter became pregnant at age eighteen and had to get married to save the family honor. Now two years later, her mother says that the marriage had to be annulled because her daughter and her husband were not compatible.

When a teenager gets pregnant, the concern should not be to save the family honor but to do what’s best for her and the child she’s carrying. Certainly, the solution is not to get the girl and whoever got her pregnant (usually a teenager himself) married. Experience has shown that a marriage in these circumstances will almost always end in a separation one or two years after. This is so basic that we can certainly ask rhetorically, “Kailangan pa bang i-memorize yan?”

So what should be done in this situation? It’s better to allow the girl to go through with the pregnancy in the care of NGOs which provide homes for unwed mothers. Later on, the she has the option of giving up her baby for adoption.

(Please take note that under the Family Code, a person below 18 years of age cannot get married, even with parental consent.)

Ptr. Chuck Swindoll, in one of his radio messages, said that being in love wasn’t reason enough to get married. He said that it was commitment, not love, which holds a marriage together. To help you hold your marriage together, let me tell you about certain acronyms on marriage and relationships like B-E-S-T, C-O-U-P-L-E-S and C-H-A-I-R-S.

In his book “Love Life for Every Married Couple” (copyright 1980; Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade), Dr. Ed Wheat Jr. gives us his prescription for a superb marriage in the acronym B-E-S-T which stand for Blessing, Edification, Sharing and Touching.

Essentially, Dr. Wheat explains the acronym this way:

[1] Blessing – in everything we do or say, a spouse’s motivation and reaction should always be of blessing. “A spouse blesses the husband or wife with words of love, respect and affirmation; bestowing practical benefits or acts of kindness; conveying thoughtfulness and appreciation; and in intercessory prayers.” (pages 178-179)

[2] Edification – ‘the husband edifies his wife by praising her; the wife edifies her husband by her loving response to him.” (page 181)

[3] Sharing – The Book of Genesis says that a husband and wife shall become “one flesh” in all areas of life – your time, activities, interests and concerns, ideas and innermost thoughts, spiritual walk, family objective, and goals, etc. (page 182)

[4] Touching – Dr. Wheat says spouses (men especially) should learn to practice non-sexual touching. On pages 184 to 187, Wheat enumerates 25 ways spouses can improve their marriage through touching.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs was a pastor for over 20 years before taking, with his wife Sarah, his Love and respect seminars all over the USA beginning 1998. His book is entitled “Love and Respect” (copyright 2004; originally published in the USA by Integrity Publishers USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Church Strengthening Ministry Inc.)

Dr. Eggerichs bases the theology and theory of his marriage seminars on Ephesians 5:33. He says that love is what a woman most desires, while respect is what a man desperately needs. In support of this theology and theory, Eggerichs offers two acronyms for a great marriage: C-O-U-P-L-E-S and C-H-A-I-R-S.

The C-O-U-P-L-E-S acronym is meant to familiarize men with what their wives need and how to show love to their wives. It stands for Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty and Esteem.

The C-H-A-I-R-S acronym sums up for women how they can show their respect for their husbands, and stands for Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship and Sexuality.

Dr. Eggerichs devotes a chapter each in discussing the different parts of the acronyms, ending each chapter with practical ways showing how husbands and wives can apply these acronyms to their relationships.

The last time I looked, Dr. Wheat’s book cost only about 180 pesos. Dr. Eggerichs’ book is more expensive at 350 pesos, but hey, if you want a great marriage, 350 pesos is nothing, right? Kailangan pa bang i-memorize ‘yan?

Sunday, September 30, 2007

The only exercise some people do is jumping to conclusions

Mind reading and negative interpretations

I teach Literature at the Asia Baptist Bible College (a ministry of the Baptist Bible Church, Sta. Mesa, Manila). A consistent favorite among my students through the years is the Philippines’s very own “Beyond Forgetting” written by Rolando Carbonell. As part of the graded activities, I require my students to recite “Beyond Forgetting” from memory. With some background music by guitar or piano, the students’ recitations of the poem have sometimes been, well, beyond forgetting …

Carbonell (who has seven earned doctorates!) wrote this love poem and several others for his wife in the 1960s, if I’m not mistaken. I remember reading this collection of poems when I was an A.B. English student in Philippine Christian University in the late 70’s.

You might be wondering why I am talking about love poems in a blog that focuses on more practical issues in relationships, marriage and the family. Well, the persona in Carbonell’s poem, near the end of the poem, says:

You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference. But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart. For how could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone? But perhaps you didn’t understand.
“Silence is the language of my heart …” It’s great poetry, brimming over with passion that makes women swoon, but such sentiment about “silence speaking a more eloquent tone” is actually the stuff that breaks marriages up.

Communication is the key

Most experts in relationships and marriage will tell you that “communication is the key to your marriage.” In fact, there is a best-selling book by H. Norman Wright with these very words as the title. Willard Harley Jr. in his classic book “His Needs, Her Needs” says that a man should spend at least 15 hours a week talking to his wife or girlfriend.

Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The Five Love Languages” says that “Words of Affirmation” is a language that a lot of people speak. Not silence, however eloquent, but words of affirmation which bring vitality to a relationship. Or as someone has wisely put it, “More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence.”

The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem
 
Dr. James Dobson, in his book classic, best-selling book “Love Must Be Tough” (copyright 1983, 1996 by Word Incorporated; published 1999 in the Philippines by OMF Literature) however has a different take on the lack of communication between spouses. He says on page 26, to wit,

The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way one spouse begins to perceive the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped. That’s the key word, trapped.
But the fact is, during the intense, passion-filled days before marriage, a man and a woman can hardly keep themselves apart, talking, whispering, sharing secrets, plans, hopes, wishes and dreams. So what happens after marriage? The man retreats to reading his newspaper or watching the news on TV, while the woman tends the kids, watching the telenovelas by herself. So what happened? Too many wives and husbands have been hearing nothing from their spouses except for what Simon and Garfunkel said in their 1960’s hit song, the sounds of silence.

(You might want to re-read my article “Love Potion No. 9” which discusses the effects of the so-called cuddle chemicals on the emotions of love, and what happens when these chemicals subside. My article "Transformers: Why do persistent suitors become passive husbands?" also gives several reasons for this transformation.)

Men cannot read women's minds
 
In the 1970’s the late Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder starred in a Superman movie that produced a hit song entitled, if I’m not mistaken, “Can you read my mind?” A common mistake that a lot of women make (okay, okay, some men also make this mistake) is assuming that their boyfriends or husbands can read their minds.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his website http://www.loveandrespect.com/ has a video clip where he narrates the story of a man and woman talking about where to celebrate their 5th wedding anniversary. It’s a very funny clip, but it shows how wives can sometimes leave their husbands hanging in mid-air, not knowing what they really want. And all because women have this persistent and foolish notion that if their boyfriends or husbands are really in touch with women’s emotions, they would be able to read their minds and know what they want.

Lest you think that I am just being chauvinistic, let me cite two authors (female, mind you) who encourage women to say directly to their husbands what they really want. These are Gaye Wheat, co-writer of the book “Intended for Pleasure” (copyright 1977 by Fleming H. Revel, 1981, 1997 by Ed and Gaye Wheat; published in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade and available in National Bookstore branches), and Dr. Laura Schlessinger (more popularly known in the US simply as Dr. Laura).

Gaye Wheat says in pages 153 and 154, to wit,

It is amazing how silent we women are on something as important as the sex act in marriage. We wish in silence or we suffer in silence or we hope that this time he will be different, that this time he will think of doing that which we long for him to do. Why not just tell him?
While Gaye Wheat makes this wise observation in the context of a wife’s sexual relationship with her husband, such can be translated into other areas of marriage.

Men need direct communication

Dr. Laura has written a book entitled “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Probe Ministries, through Sue Bohlin, has a review of Dr. Laura’s book which you might want to check out. Dr. Laura says that women should realize that men need direct communication from their wives. Among other things, Dr. Laura says,
Men make terrible mind readers, so be direct. Dropping subtle hints doesn’t work with most men, and it doesn’t mean a man is insensitive, uncaring or oblivious.
The bottom line? Men cannot read their wives’ minds and neither should wives expect their husbands to be able to do so. It may be a lot less romantic for a woman to engage in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband, rather than dropping subtle hints here and there. But she will save herself a lot of heartaches and frustrations if she, as Gaye Wheat and Dr. Laura both say, engages in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband.

(I’m sure a lot of you are now reaching out for your Bible and searching for Proverbs 27:5 which says, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.” Hebrew poetry is marked by parallelism, by the use of antithesis and synthesis. Most preachers have interpreted Proverbs 27:5 as an antithesis, but that’s wrong. The verse should be read together with Proverbs 28:234, Psalms 141:5 and Galatians 4:16, and should be interpreted as a synthesis. That is, if you love somebody, you should be brave enough, willing enough to confront that person about his errors and sins.)

Positive mind reading and negative judgments
 
Scott Stanley and his co-authors of “A Lasting Legacy” warn their readers about a form of mind reading they call “negative interpretations.” This happens when one spouse thinks that he or she knows what the other spouse is thinking or the reasons why one spouse did or said a certain thing. Stanley et al say that positive mind reading tends not to cause any harm. But they warn against a spouse indulging in negative judgments about actions, thoughts and motives of the other spouse. Such a pattern of thinking, they say, leads to the destruction of a marriage or a relationship.

Confirmation bias: “Sabi ko nga ba eh!”

The question is, why do people indulge in mind reading or negative interpretations? Stanley and his co-authors say that people, by their fallen, sinful nature, have the tendency to look for proof that confirms what they have already concluded about what is true about what their spouses (or other people) have said or done. They call this “confirmation bias” and they say that even if people are completely wrong about their assumptions or interpretations, they will see only what they expect to see. In the vernacular, Filipinos would say, “Sabi ko nga ba eh!” when they engage in confirmation bias.

Dr. Eggerichs in his book “Love and Respect” emphasizes that men and women see things differently, or from blue and pink eyeglasses that color their interpretations of things. Eggerichs says that husbands should learn to look at things from the perspective of their wives and vice-versa.

People do tend to believe the worst about others or about events in their lives. An example would be the Old Testament patriarch Jacob in Genesis 42:35-38.
35. And it came to pass as they emptied their sacks, that, behold, every man's bundle of money was in his sack: and when both they and their father saw the bundles of money, they were afraid.
36. And Jacob their father said unto them, Me have ye bereaved of my children: Joseph is not, and Simeon is not, and ye will take Benjamin away: all these things are against me.
37. And Reuben spake unto his father, saying, Slay my two sons, if I bring him not to thee: deliver him into my hand, and I will bring him to thee again.
38. And he said, My son shall not go down with you; for his brother is dead, and he is left alone: if mischief befall him by the way in the which ye go, then shall ye bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave.
Notice the last part of verse 36 where Jacob says, “All these things are against me.” People really do believe the worst about their situations or about others. Or as someone has put it, “The only exercise some people do is jumping to conclusions.” People readily believe anything negative they hear about others (or even about their spouses) without taking the time to talk to the spouse or the person directly concerned about the point of misunderstanding, clarifying things without any preconceived judgments, and always giving the other person the benefit of the doubt.

Choose your counselors wisely

It is true what the Bible says about there being safety in a multitude of counselors, but please do make sure that your so-called counselors do not have any hidden or selfish agenda when they say anything negative about an important person in your life. Always ask your so-called counselors, “Can you say directly and in person to my husband (or wife, or special someone) what you just told me?”

If your so-called counselors don’t have the guts to say in person to your husband (or wife, or special someone) what they told you, then simply disregard whatever they have told you. Hold your judgments and conclusions until you have talked to the person concerned. Or, as Filipinos would say in the vernacular, “Huwag maniwala sa sabi-sabi!”

Maybe you have heard the term “due process” which is foundational to our system of law and justice. The term simply means, in the words of US Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr, “that which hears before it condemns.” In simpler words, fundamental fairness demands that you hear the other person out.

How so different from negative interpretations and mind reading is what the Apostle Paul said in I Corinthians 13: 4 – 7 about love, to wit,

4. Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5. Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6. Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7. Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Did you get that? Love thinks no evil (or does not engage in mind reading and negative interpretations, or in the vernacular, “hindi naniniwala sa sabi-sabi”). Love is not easily provoked (or does not readily believe anything negative said about a loved one without giving that person the benefit of the doubt and the chance to explain himself or herself). Love rejoices not in iniquity (or doesn’t engage in confirmation bias and says, in the vernacular, “Sabi ko nga ba eh!”).

I must admit that I have done my own share of mind reading and negative interpretations in the past, and am currently struggling to rid myself of these things so deeply ingrained in my fallen, sinful nature. It is a difficult struggle indeed for all of us. Perhaps A.W. Tozer said it best in his book, “The Pursuit of God” (copyright 1995 by Christian Publications) about the difficulty of putting our sins, our old nature to death, to wit,
“The ancient curse will not go out painlessly; the tough old miser within us will not lie down and die in obedience to our command. He must be torn out of our heart like a plant from the soil; he must be extracted in agony and blood like a tooth from the jaw. He must be expelled from our soul by violence, as Christ expelled the moneychangers from the temple. And we shall need to steel ourselves against his piteous begging and to recognize it as springing out of self-pity, one of the most reprehensible sins of the human heart.”

Sunday, September 16, 2007

The grass is not greener on the other side

Or as humorist Erma Bombeck once wrote, the grass is always greener over the septic tank ...

Most of the e-mail I have received have come from men and women whose spouses have become involved in adulterous affairs. I have previously written several articles on marital infidelity (“Sad Movies Always Make Me Cry”; Surviving Marital Infidelity; Marital infidelity: causes, consequences and conclusions) that you might want to review.

It never ceases to amaze me that what marriage counselors have been warning about all these years have oftentimes been blatantly disregarded by men and women, with the end result that numerous marriages have been wrecked, sometimes irreparably. What is this simple but often disregarded warning?

Marriage counselors have been warning that most adulterous affairs are between friends and co-workers, and that, therefore, proper boundaries must be established. Dr. Ed Wheat, in his classic book “Love Life for Every Married Couple” written decades ago, even went to the extent of advising people never to confide their relationship or marital problems with a friend of the opposite sex.

Author and marriage counselor Nancy C. Anderson has written an article titled “Safeguard Against Workplace Temptations” for Crosswalk.com. (At the right hand sidebar of this blog, you can see links to articles from Crosswalk on marriage, parenting, and singleness). The article is based on Anderson’s book “Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage.” (Kregel Publications 2004)

Some of the guidelines Anderson gives to men and women are:

1. People of the opposite sex should not ride in a car together without a third party present.

2. Don’t make personal (non-work related) phone calls to a coworker of the opposite sex.

3. Don’t have lunch with the same person every day. Move around the lunchroom or break-room and if you go out to a restaurant, go in a group.

4. Make sure that your e-mails and other correspondence are not suggestive, inappropriate, or flirtatious.

5. Talk about your spouse in positive terms, making it clear that you’re married and intend to stay that way.

6. Be careful not to make any lingering eye contact.

7. The only appropriate touch between business associates of the opposite sex is a handshake.

What makes Anderson’s guidelines cogent and realistic is her brutally honest confession that twenty five years ago, she herself became involved in an adulterous relationship that nearly devastated her marriage.

Some other articles by Anderson you might be interested in are:

Is Your Marriage Malnourished?
http://cw.salemwebnetwork.com/family/marriage/1346308.html

The Warning Signs of Infidelity
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/1336759.html

"Small Stuff" Can Ruin Our Families
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/1329668.html

Forgiving the Unforgivable: Adultery
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/1322755.html

Five Creative Dates for Couples
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/1317293.html

Have You Lost that Lovin' Feelin'?
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/1313211.html

Can a Christian Marriage Survive an Affair?
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/1306747.html

Avoid the 'Greener Grass' Syndrome: Water Your Own Marriage
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/1302344.html

Is Your Home a Danger Zone for Your Marriage?
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/1294613.html

The Parable of the Coffee Filter
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/1287852.html

Saturday, September 8, 2007

“Hi, Pangga! May energy ka ba?”

This slogan by a local FM radio station is so popular that it's heard on the streets or in public transports like FX taxis and jeepneys. There aren't that many “panggas” among us, that is, women from Iloilo, so its popularity is surprising. Something tells me there is a double entendre in this slogan somewhere.

Be that as it may, as to the question whether I have energy or not, I would have to say that I have none at the moment. Since Tuesday, I have been flat on my back, with headache (Tuesday), a runny nose (Wednesday), fever (Thursday), fever and cough (Friday). Hey, I'm beginning to sound like that Martin Short character, a hypochodriac, from the movie "Innerspace" starring Meg Ryan and Dennis Quiad. In the movie, we're treated to a fantastic voyage of the human body as a miniaturized Dennis Quiad in his spaceship-like capsule tours Martin Short's body.

If you really want however to learn about the complex wonders and mysteries of the human body as God created it, please read the books “In His Image” and “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made” by Philip Yancey and Dr. Paul Brand.

I first tried non-aspirin acetaminophen and it got rid of the headache and fever for some time. But then the cold and running nose came in. I then tried Neozep and it stopped my runny nose from running, but I got this sensation that all the phlegm (sorry!) got stuck inside my chest. My nephew bought for me Decolgen Forte and my sister brought home some BioFlu.

Reading the printed info on these medicine packs for contraindications, I found out that Decolgen Forte and BioFlu exactly had the same active ingredients (phenylpropanolamine HCI, chlorpenamine maleate and paracetamol). This reminded me of my Intellectual Property Law (copyrights, patents) subject in law school where I learned the difference between “product patent“ and “process patent.” The difference between “product patent“ and “process patent” probably explains why Decolgen Forte and BioFlu (manufactured by different companies) have exactly the same ingredients.

I felt a little bit stronger stronger today, and I opened my e-mail. I had some 30 e-mails, some from e-mail counselees, some from e-mail newsletters I had subscribed to and a lot from those persistent men and women from Ivory Coast and Burkina Fasso who so generously want to give me millions of dollars. I cannot just take seriously these e-mails that out of the blue wants to give me millions of dollars when they cannot even present such an offer in grammatical English.

I had some new info (18th Fundamental Bible Conference) I had to post in my Baptist Churches blog, but as I didn't have the energy to do the typing, I asked my Grade 4 niece Chloe to help me out. Hey, as soon as I get my energy back, I will be writing more articles for you.