Transformers: Why do persistent suitors become passive husbands?

I have a question for the married women among you.

Do you still remember your days of courtship when you were showered with flowers, letters, chocolates, gifts, dates, time, affection, sharing of plans and dreams, romantic conversations, etc? But where, oh, where are all these things now? Why is your persistent suitor (who fetched you at home at 5 in the morning, brought you out on dates after school or work, and then brought you back home late at night, never wanting to be apart even for a second) NOW a sullen, uncommunicative robot glued to the news or sports programs on television?

Okay, okay, I got carried away, that's three questions in all.

The joke is, Adam was the very first passive husband, who by his disinterest and passivity, allowed Eve to fall into sin. We could all still be in Eden if Adam had only paid a little bit of attention to what was happening to Eve! Too many jokes have indeed been told about passive husbands, and men themselves, in their candid moments, admit that they have oftentimes abdicated the leadership role in the family. As Ptr. Chuck Swindoll once said in a radio message, “Most families today are run by petticoat governments.”

(Do women still wear petticoats at this point in time? Maybe Ptr. Chuck needs to update his quotation.)

Passive men … Some twenty years ago, a powerful earthquake devastated Kobe, Japan. A news story (from Time or Newsweek, I can’t recall now) reported that while the men just stood around, doing nothing except talking with other men, it was the women who set about clearing the debris, putting back together what remained of their houses into order, etc. (Maybe it's a cultural thing with the Japanese about this kind of work being beneath men.)

I have personally dealt with couples involved in legal and financial problems, and it’s amazing that it is often the women who take the active steps in dealing with their problems. One woman called me up and as I began to ask her questions on what the problem was all about, she said almost apologetically, “Sir, you better talk to my husband. He knows more about the problem than I do.” I wanted to ask her, “Then why didn’t your husband call me up himself, instead of asking you to call me up?”


Reasons for passivity among husbands

I’ve done some reading from pastors, psychologists and marriage counselors, and I have discovered several reasons why persistent suitors become passive husbands. By passivity among husbands, I mean, being uninvolved with the children or family life, being more involved in work or hobbies, and being uncommunicative and unresponsive emotionally with their wives. In fairness to men (that includes me!), some of these authors place the blame for men’s passivity on women themselves.

Men get burned by their wives’ unrealistic expectations

Chip Ingram (pastor, marriage counselor and president of Walk Through the Bible ministries) said something about passive men during his seminar held at Greenhills Christian Fellowship over a month ago. I’m amplifying what he said and I hope that I am not mis-stating him. Well, Ingram said that oftentimes, women have high, unrealistic expectations of their husbands and of their marriage. At first, a husband tries to meet these expectations but as he struggles to do so, all he gets from his wife are criticisms and nagging, without even a word or two of encouragement for some small steps of progress.

As he fails to meet his wife’s expectations, he begins to get discouraged, thinks that he's being judged unfairly, and feels that he will never measure up to his wife’s expectations. Result? He loses the interest or the motivation to change and thus becomes, what’s the word again? Ah yes, he becomes passive.

Most men have low expectations of their marriage

Dr. James Dobson, world-wide known authority on marriage, relationships and parenting, in his book “What wives wish their husbands knew about women”, says that loneliness, isolation, boredom and absence of romantic love in marriage are at the top of the list of sources of depression for women. In pages 64 and 65 of his book, Dobson bluntly states that most men are content with a business like partnership in their marriage, with sexual relations thrown in as part of the package. He says further that a husband is generally content if his wife is amiable and looks well after the home and the children. But Dobson clarifies that a woman is different, yearning to be loved and cherished as the most important person in her husband’s life.

Most men marry for safety; hesitant knights in shining armor

John Eldredge, in his book “Wild at Heart: Discovering The Secret of a Man’s Soul” says in more poetic terms what Dobson said so bluntly about men. In the chapter titled “A Beauty to Rescue,” Eldredge states that “the theme of a strong man coming to rescue a beautiful woman is universal to human nature.” He cites the examples of Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Helen of Troy, Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra, Arthur and Guinevere, to prove that this theme is “written into our hearts as one of the core desires of men and women.” (I might add to his list of knights and maidens, Dingdong and Karylle … Or is it Dingdong and Marianne now? I’m getting confused.)

Anyway, Eldredge says of his own marriage that after ten years, he didn’t feel any love at all for his wife, and that divorce seemed to be the only viable option for them. Eldredge asks, “Where did all that passion go?” In page 184, he admits that like most men, he married for safety, marrying a woman whom he thought would never challenge him as a man. He says that like the knight in shining armor, he wanted to woo and win the beautiful maiden in the castle, but that he thought he could do it without bleeding or fighting for her. He concludes, “The number one problem between men and their women is that we men, when asked to truly fight for her … hesitate. We are still seeking to save ourselves; we have forgotten the deep pleasure of spilling our life for another.”

Gear shifting and changing tack

Bill and Lynne Hybels, in their book “Fit To Be Tied” (probably the best book on marriage and relationships I have ever read) give the most practical reason why a man becomes passive in his relationship with his wife. They say in pages 146 and 147 that men, by nature, are task- or goal-oriented, capable of focusing only on one thing at any given time. A man persistently showers his prospective wife with attention, affection and attention until the woman says "yes" to marriage. Right after the marriage however, the man shifts gears (or changes tack, in sailing terms) from getting the woman to say “yes” to working hard at his work or career. He does this gear shifting in good faith, thinking that he should now focus in providing for his family and getting ahead in his work or career.

For the man, this gear shifting is a function of his being task- or goal-oriented, of focusing on one thing at a time, and is a natural progression in his life. But for the woman he pursued so persistently and so passionately, the shift in his focus and attention (from her as a woman to his work or career), is an earth-shaking, Magnitude 8 betrayal. She thinks and feels that she has been deceived.

How a woman measures the quality of her marriage

Secular psychologist John Gray in his book “Mars and Venus: Together Forever” says that today’s men do not realize that today’s women do not want financial security only but crave for emotional support from their husbands. Perhaps Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, has stated it more cogently than the male authors I have quoted. She says, “Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.”


Note: Read also “Relating to the Emotionally Detached Man” by Dr. David Hawkins, Director, Marriage Recovery Center