Transformers: Why do persistent suitors become passive husbands?

I have a question for the married women among you.

Do you still remember your days of courtship when you were showered with flowers, letters, chocolates, gifts, dates, time, affection, sharing of plans and dreams, romantic conversations, etc? But where, oh, where are all these things now? Why is your persistent suitor (who fetched you at home at 5 in the morning, brought you out on dates after school or work, and then brought you back home late at night, never wanting to be apart even for a second) NOW a sullen, uncommunicative robot glued to the news or sports programs on television?

Okay, okay, I got carried away, that's three questions in all.

The joke is, Adam was the very first passive husband, who by his disinterest and passivity, allowed Eve to fall into sin. We could all still be in Eden if Adam had only paid a little bit of attention to what was happening to Eve! Too many jokes have indeed been told about passive husbands, and men themselves, in their candid moments, admit that they have oftentimes abdicated the leadership role in the family. As Ptr. Chuck Swindoll once said in a radio message, “Most families today are run by petticoat governments.”

(Do women still wear petticoats at this point in time? Maybe Ptr. Chuck needs to update his quotation.)

Passive men … Some twenty years ago, a powerful earthquake devastated Kobe, Japan. A news story (from Time or Newsweek, I can’t recall now) reported that while the men just stood around, doing nothing except talking with other men, it was the women who set about clearing the debris, putting back together what remained of their houses into order, etc. (Maybe it's a cultural thing with the Japanese about this kind of work being beneath men.)

I have personally dealt with couples involved in legal and financial problems, and it’s amazing that it is often the women who take the active steps in dealing with their problems. One woman called me up and as I began to ask her questions on what the problem was all about, she said almost apologetically, “Sir, you better talk to my husband. He knows more about the problem than I do.” I wanted to ask her, “Then why didn’t your husband call me up himself, instead of asking you to call me up?”


Reasons for passivity among husbands

I’ve done some reading from pastors, psychologists and marriage counselors, and I have discovered several reasons why persistent suitors become passive husbands. By passivity among husbands, I mean, being uninvolved with the children or family life, being more involved in work or hobbies, and being uncommunicative and unresponsive emotionally with their wives. In fairness to men (that includes me!), some of these authors place the blame for men’s passivity on women themselves.

Men get burned by their wives’ unrealistic expectations

Chip Ingram (pastor, marriage counselor and president of Walk Through the Bible ministries) said something about passive men during his seminar held at Greenhills Christian Fellowship over a month ago. I’m amplifying what he said and I hope that I am not mis-stating him. Well, Ingram said that oftentimes, women have high, unrealistic expectations of their husbands and of their marriage. At first, a husband tries to meet these expectations but as he struggles to do so, all he gets from his wife are criticisms and nagging, without even a word or two of encouragement for some small steps of progress.

As he fails to meet his wife’s expectations, he begins to get discouraged, thinks that he's being judged unfairly, and feels that he will never measure up to his wife’s expectations. Result? He loses the interest or the motivation to change and thus becomes, what’s the word again? Ah yes, he becomes passive.

Most men have low expectations of their marriage

Dr. James Dobson, world-wide known authority on marriage, relationships and parenting, in his book “What wives wish their husbands knew about women”, says that loneliness, isolation, boredom and absence of romantic love in marriage are at the top of the list of sources of depression for women. In pages 64 and 65 of his book, Dobson bluntly states that most men are content with a business like partnership in their marriage, with sexual relations thrown in as part of the package. He says further that a husband is generally content if his wife is amiable and looks well after the home and the children. But Dobson clarifies that a woman is different, yearning to be loved and cherished as the most important person in her husband’s life.

Most men marry for safety; hesitant knights in shining armor

John Eldredge, in his book “Wild at Heart: Discovering The Secret of a Man’s Soul” says in more poetic terms what Dobson said so bluntly about men. In the chapter titled “A Beauty to Rescue,” Eldredge states that “the theme of a strong man coming to rescue a beautiful woman is universal to human nature.” He cites the examples of Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Helen of Troy, Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra, Arthur and Guinevere, to prove that this theme is “written into our hearts as one of the core desires of men and women.” (I might add to his list of knights and maidens, Dingdong and Karylle … Or is it Dingdong and Marianne now? I’m getting confused.)

Anyway, Eldredge says of his own marriage that after ten years, he didn’t feel any love at all for his wife, and that divorce seemed to be the only viable option for them. Eldredge asks, “Where did all that passion go?” In page 184, he admits that like most men, he married for safety, marrying a woman whom he thought would never challenge him as a man. He says that like the knight in shining armor, he wanted to woo and win the beautiful maiden in the castle, but that he thought he could do it without bleeding or fighting for her. He concludes, “The number one problem between men and their women is that we men, when asked to truly fight for her … hesitate. We are still seeking to save ourselves; we have forgotten the deep pleasure of spilling our life for another.”

Gear shifting and changing tack

Bill and Lynne Hybels, in their book “Fit To Be Tied” (probably the best book on marriage and relationships I have ever read) give the most practical reason why a man becomes passive in his relationship with his wife. They say in pages 146 and 147 that men, by nature, are task- or goal-oriented, capable of focusing only on one thing at any given time. A man persistently showers his prospective wife with attention, affection and attention until the woman says "yes" to marriage. Right after the marriage however, the man shifts gears (or changes tack, in sailing terms) from getting the woman to say “yes” to working hard at his work or career. He does this gear shifting in good faith, thinking that he should now focus in providing for his family and getting ahead in his work or career.

For the man, this gear shifting is a function of his being task- or goal-oriented, of focusing on one thing at a time, and is a natural progression in his life. But for the woman he pursued so persistently and so passionately, the shift in his focus and attention (from her as a woman to his work or career), is an earth-shaking, Magnitude 8 betrayal. She thinks and feels that she has been deceived.

How a woman measures the quality of her marriage

Secular psychologist John Gray in his book “Mars and Venus: Together Forever” says that today’s men do not realize that today’s women do not want financial security only but crave for emotional support from their husbands. Perhaps Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, has stated it more cogently than the male authors I have quoted. She says, “Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.”


Note: Read also “Relating to the Emotionally Detached Man” by Dr. David Hawkins, Director, Marriage Recovery Center

And the bride wore white ... Seven secrets to sexual purity

Note: I first posted this article December 10, 2007. I am reprinting it here to include the results of the 2002 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Study conducted by the UP Population Institute and in view of the raging controversy over HB 3773 or the “Integrated Reproductive Health and Population Reduction Bill”. Please surf to the PRO-Life Philippines website for its critique of HB 3773.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Statistics on teenage pregnancies and sexual experiences

Dr. James Dobson, I think, said that a million teenagers in the US get pregnant every year. In the Philippines, according to the 2003 National Demographic and Health Survey, one out of four women become mothers by age 19 while four out of 10 women in the 20-24-year-old bracket have already engaged in sexual activity.

The 2002 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Study (YAFS 3) conducted by the UP Population Institute and the Demographic Research and Development Foundation, Inc. revealed the following alarming statistics:

[1] Twenty-three percent of youth have engaged in premarital sex. A considerable number of sexually-active youth have had multiple partners, with almost half of the males (49%) and 11% of the females reporting more than one sex partner. One in five of the sexually-active males had paid for sex while 12% had accepted payment for sex. Prevalence of commercial sex is negligible among females, with less than one percent of the girls having paid or been paid for sex.

Over time, there has been an increase in the proportion of sexually active youth in the country, from 18 percent (among those aged 15-24) in 1994 to 23 percent in 2002. The age of first sex is also getting younger. Based on the 2002 survey, 1.2 percent of both young males and females have already engaged in sex before they turn 13 years old. Before reaching 18 however, the probability of engaging in sex increased sharply for males (28 percent) while 12 percent would have done so among females.

Previous analyses conducted by the UP Population Institute on the sexual behavior of Filipino youth have highlighted the increasing influence of peers on young people's decision whether or not to engage in sex. Peers have also been cited as important source of information regarding sex and reproductive health matters, along with the media.

[2] While nearly all (95%) young adults have heard of HIV/AIDS, 73% believe there is no chance of them getting HIV/AIDS.

[3] The percentage of young adults who think that AIDS is curable more than doubled between 1994 and 2002. In 1994, only 12.5% thought that there was a cure to HIV/AIDS. This increased to 28% in 2002.

[4] More males than females are familiar with sexually-transmitted diseases (70% vs. 63%) although males are more likely to think that AIDS is curable (30% for males vs. 26% for females).

[5] Thirty two per cent of Filipino teenagers (15-19 years old) knew that their single female friends are sexually active while 38 percent said that their single male friends have already engaged in sex. This interesting information provides yet another clue on the extent of sexual activity among Filipino teenagers.

In addition, their report on their friends' sexual activity also shows some degree of awareness on the possible consequences of sexual activity. They said that half of their female friends who have engaged in premarital sex got pregnant. Of this proportion, 4 out of 5 pushed through with the pregnancy and slightly more than half of those who went through with the pregnancy eventually married the father of their kids.

Among their unmarried male friends on the other hand, 4 in 10 claimed that their friends got somebody pregnant. Out of this number, 2 in 5 ended up marrying the mother of their kids.

On a more personal note, I have known of incidents involving unwed pregnancies and premarital sexual activities involving pastors’ kids and teenagers who grew up in church. One pastor asked me if he could solemnize a marriage between members of his church (both minors), the girl having gotten pregnant. I informed him that under the Family Code, no person below 18 can get married, even with parental consent. One pastor in Cavite who has become frustrated by what was happening to the young people in his church once asked me what to do.

I strongly support sexual abstinence and purity programs such as True Love Waits and Silver Ring Thing. One author I highly recommend to you (whether you are a mother or father, a teenager, a pastor or youth director) is Dannah Gresh.

Resources on sexual purity before and during marriage by Dannah Gresh

Dannah’s websites are www.purefreedom.org, www.secretkeepergirl.com and www.dannahgresh.com. Her books on sexual purity before and during marriage are “And the Bride Wore White,” “Pursuing the Pearl,” and “Secret Keeper Girl”.

November 2006, I gave a lecture for the BMP-HELP pastors conference in Tagaytay City. Rushing home to Manila in the afternoon, I got to OMF Lit Bookstore in Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong just before 5 PM. From the love gift given to me by the pastors, I was able to buy at nearly seven hundred pesos the very last copy of “And the Bride Wore White”. March 2007, I gave this book as a graduation gift to the love of my life. She is the second most beautiful woman in the universe. Who is the most beautiful woman in the universe, you ask? Well, who else but movie actress Angel Locsin!

In the Purefreedom website, Dannah and her husband Bob, explain what their ministry to young men and women is all about:

It is the mission of Pure Freedom to equip men and women of all ages to live a vibrant life of purity, to experience healing from past impurity if it exists in their lives, and to experience a vibrant, passionate marriage which portrays the love Christ has for his Bride the church.(Ministry verse: Ephesians 5:31,32)

Pure Freedom provides resources with radically-unique approaches to focus on specific issues that teen girls and/or guys face in the area of purity and holiness. Our events, the hallmark of our ministry, are about sexual purity and yet they are much more about the totality of a life submitted to the will of God in a quest to enjoy the blessings of His plan.

We believe that the temptation to fail sexually comes in different forms for girls and for boys. We also believe that they will one day enjoy God's gift of sex within the confines of marriage for different reasons. Whereas the girls are primarily emotionally driven, the guys are primarily driven by sight. Because of this dichotomy, it is vital that we educate them separately and emphasize different areas of temptation.

In their seminars for young men and women, Dannah and Bob have expounded on the Bible’s principles on sexual purity through their discussion of the Hebrew word "yada". In their website, they explain that "yada" is used to both refer to holy sexuality as in that between Adam and Eve AND to refer to the holy knowing that a man can know with God. It speaks of the emotional and spiritual nature of a relationship.

Seven secrets to sexual purity

Dannah, in her book “And the Bride Wore White”, discusses the following secrets to maintaining sexual purity:

[1] Purity is a process.
[2] Purity dreams of its future.
[3] Purity is governed by its value.
[4] Purity speaks boldly.
[5] Purity loves its Creator at any cost.
[6] Purity embraces wise guidance.
[7] Purity watches burning flames.

Dannah does not simply discuss things at a theoretical level. One of the very practical tips she gives in her book on how teenagers can stay sexually pure is to "stay public and stay vertical."

The quest for a pure, passionate marriage

The second book by Dannah Gresh which I have read is “Pursuing the Pearl” (it was a gift from Bro. David Witta and his family from Massachusetts, USA). In this book, she discusses what she calls “The Enemy’s Fake Pearls” which are [1] status and stuff; [2] social acceptance; [3] giving up and starting over; [4] pride and dreams.

Locally, this book costs around four hundred pesos. That is quite steep, but what Dannah says in page pages 62 and 63 are worth the price of the book. She warns her readers, “Sexual impurity is a zero tolerance arena. You are on shaky ground if there are emotional bonds being created between you and another man (or your husband and another woman).” Dannah explains that these bonds begin with little things like:

• Innocently having lunch alone with a man


• Seeking advice from a man about personal issues, especially marital issues


• Seeking or accepting frequent praise or affirmation from the same man


• Being or becoming comfortable with being alone in an office or a home together


• Intentionally seeking out time to be with this man


• Manipulating your schedule to see him


• Spending time fantasizing about him

If you are parents concerned about your teenage kids and their sexual purity, a pastor or youth leader seeking to help your youth group, or a man or woman thinking of the best Christmas gift to give the love of your life, consider giving them any of Dannah Gresh’s books.

The only book by Dannah Gresh I haven’t read yet is “Secret Keeper Girl.” Two problems. One, as far as I know, there are no copies of this book locally. Two, even if it were available, how do I go about buying the book? Hey, I am a guy and I’m thinking, what would the store clerks say if I bought a copy of this book?

Relationship tips from Lois Lane and Superman, MJ and Spiderman

About a week ago, while having lunch, I caught glimpses on cable TV of the 2006 “Superman” movie. You probably know the story. After several years of absence, Superman (played by Brandon Routh) came back to Earth. And why did he move away in the first place?

I didn’t get the see the whole movie but from what I understand, Lois Lane (played by the gorgeous Kate Bosworth) wrote a scathing newspaper article entitled “Why the world doesn’t need Superman” and that gave Superman a super-sized heartbreak that could only be healed in cosmic hibernation. Well at the end of the movie, Kate (I mean, Lois Lane) sits down before her laptop, begins typing “Why the world needs Superman” but couldn’t continue. Then tears start welling up in her eyes … (This scene reminds me of Omar Khayyam’s quatrain which goes like this: “Ah Love! Could you and I with Him conspire, To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire; Would not we shatter it to bits and then remold it nearer to the heart’s desire.”)

Lessons? Bite your tongue! Keep your mouth shut! Stop yourself from sending that flaming e-mail or text message! Oftentimes, in a fit of anger or jealousy, you say things that you really never meant to say. Or you said things in a harsh tone of voice. What’s worse than not being able to take your words back is that, in this day and age of the Internet and mobile phones, the person you fought with can repeatedly review your flaming e-mail or text message. The Book of Proverbs in the Old Testament has numerous verses on wisely holding back our angry words. Perhaps you might want to review my post “Why Marriages Fail: He said, She said ...”

That was the 2006 movie. I just read from Wikipedia that in the current comics version of Superman, Clark Kent and Lois Lane are married. Yahoo! Hope springs eternal!

MJ and Spiderman: Lessons in communication, listening, and forgiveness

You have probably seen the Spiderman movie series with Tobey Maguire (the wall-crawling hero) and Kirsten Dunst (MJ, the love interest). In the last scenes of “Spiderman 3,” MJ looked absolutely stunning in a white blouse tucked into a black skirt. Do you remember that scene when Spiderman was in a restaurant about to ask MJ to marry him? MJ was so preoccupied with losing her starring role in a theater production. While she was trying to explain in the typical feminine way (that is, going around in circles before getting to the point of what was bothering her), Spidey interrupted her (so typical of men to interrupt!) and said that he knew exactly how she felt. MJ then walked out of the restaurant and Spidey’s marriage proposal went unsaid.

Later on, Spiderman was in deep anguish over learning of the true identity of his uncle’s killer. MJ then visited him in his apartment to offer all the love and emotional support that she felt he needed during that time of personal crisis. But Spiderman, out of pride and still nursing a broken heart, refused to accept whatever comfort MJ wanted to give him.

What’s the lesson here? Spiderman should have taken that visit as a cue that MJ really cared about him. He should have forgiven and taken her back. (This is just a movie, okay? Of course, Spiderman had to act the way he did, otherwise the movie would not have proceeded the way the movie was written.)

Another lesson however is that when we do have to say sorry for whatever we may have said or done, we’ve got to say it in words, loud and clear, so that there won’t be any misinterpretations. That calls for humility and swallowing our pride. Marriage counselors have said that a lot of times, a husband tenderly initiates lovemaking as his way of asking forgiveness from his wife. But that often backfires since the wife does not want to have sex when she is still stewing over their previous argument. As Emerson Eggerichs says in his book Love and Respect, “When a woman’s spirit is crushed, her body is unavailable.”

Well, well, well, Lois Lane and Superman, MJ and Spiderman, Kate Bosworth and Kirsten Dunst ... Wikipedia says that Beyonce Knowles will play Lois Lane in the next Superman movie. Hmm, I wonder what lessons in relationships we will learn from her ...

Relationship tip: Never say “never” or “always”

When you are seriously arguing or engaged in a heated discussion with anyone (boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, a friend, etc), never use the words “never” and “always.” For example, never say, “You are never early for our appointments” or “You are always late.”

As Bill and Lynn Hybells say in their book “Fit To Be Tied”:

“If we want our grievances to be taken seriously we must make accurate, truthful, realistic statements. Always and never will always – well, almost always – shift the focus away from the real issue.”

Lessons in love and life from Miriam Quiambao

Yesterday, after wading through ankle-deep floodwaters along Ortigas Avenue and then having a dinner of spaghetti, warmed over chicken and some Milo, I sat down to read a Marie Claire magazine (Philippine edition) which had Miriam Quiambao on its cover. I did not buy the magazine, okay? My sister brought home this September 2006 issue, okay?

You probably know that Miriam Quiambao represented the Philippines and became first runner-up in the 1999 Miss Universe competition. She became a media celebrity after that, and her idyllic wedding in Boracay to a guy named Claudio was aired on local television. Her marriage has broken up however and she has returned quietly to the Philippines.

In that Marie Claire article written by Lara Parpan, Miriam candidly reveals the reasons why her marriage broke up. Here they are from Parpan’s interview:

• “I prepared for the wedding, not for the marriage.”
  
  
• “I was at that point in my life when I said: ‘Here I am. I’ve achieved my dreams career-wise. What’s next?’ I wanted to have a family …And here came this guy who seemed to fit my ideal – he could provide for me. All women look for someone who can provide for them.”
  
  
• “I wanted to change my husband. I married him for an ideal that I created in my mind. Not for who he was.”
  
  
• “I understand that for a guy, his priority is his work. But I felt neglected at times because when he got home, we didn’t get to talk much. We lacked those deep conversations that really bond couples.”
  
• “The attraction between us was instant and I fell in love. He proposed to me three weeks into the relationship.”
  
• “That’s when we were having difficulties with the long-distance relationship.”

My Family Matters website became online in December 2005 and since that time I have received more than a thousand e-mails and blog comments, mostly from women whose marriages have either already broken up or about to be. Let me share with you some of the things I have said to these women in crisis. Please take note that in this discussion, I do not wish in any way to put Miriam in a bad light or to belittle the heartaches she has gone through.

From Barbara to Miriam

Barbara DeAngelis is a well-known relationships expert whose book “Are You The One For Me?” became a New York Times number one bestseller. I do not subscribe to Barbara’s lifestyle or views but some things she said in her book really make sense in light of Miriam’s experience. For example, Barbara states in page 85 the seven wrong reasons for someone to be in a relationship:

1. Pressure (age, family, friends, etc)
2. Loneliness and desperation
3. Sexual hunger
4. Distraction from your own life
5. To avoid growing up
6. Guilt
7. To fill up emotional or spiritual emptiness

You probably guessed it right. Barbara’s reason number seven applies to Miriam’s case. Miriam had achieved everything she had set her eyes on and what was lacking? Ah yes, a dashing prince, a fairy-tale wedding, a family …

Miriam mentioned that she and her husband, while courting, had a long-distance relationship. Barbara, in page 309, characterizes long-distance relationships as a Toxic Time Bomb. She says, “The goal of two lovers in a ‘normal’ relationship should be to become more loving and intimate with one another. The goal of two long-distance lovers becomes to see each other.”

Miriam also said she and her husband lacked deep conversations and emotional bonding. Barbara states in page 197 nine fatal flaws to watch out for in a partner. Number seven in her list? “Emotionally unavailable.”

The cuddle chemicals

Miriam also stated that she and Claudio fell in love instantly and that her husband proposed to her three weeks into the relationship. At this point, you probably should read my article “Love Potion No. 9” where I discussed what the so-called “cuddle chemicals” are and how they impact our relationships. These chemicals are dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. Vincent du Vigneaud won the 1955 Nobel Prize in Chemistry when he discovered, isolated and synthesized oxytocin and vasopressin.

Secular writer Eve Salinger says that, at the beginning stages, when a man and woman start getting attracted to each other, the human brain produces increasing levels of “dopamine” and “norepinephrine” that create feelings of exhilaration and lovesickness. Salinger says that as the romantic relationship loses its initial exhilarating buzz, “dopamine” and “norepinephrine” are replaced by “vasopressin” and “oxytocin” which promote bonding or a warm, fuzzy feeling between the man and the woman.

These chemicals are reactive, meaning they don’t just kick into our systems for no reason at all and hold us hostage to their effects. There’s always first a stimulus - food, a breathtaking scenery, an attractive guy (okay, okay, you can use me as an example!) – that sets these chemicals into action. In one study for example, when women in good marriages were asked to think about their husbands, the oxytocin levels in their blood increased. The stimulus was the pleasing thoughts about their husbands, and the effect was increased oxytocin levels.

What are the practical applications for you in knowing all these things about the cuddle chemicals? Well, when you meet someone attractive and interesting (okay, okay, if you insist, you can use me again for an example!), the sparks will start flying but that’s only because of dopamine kicking into your system. Don’t jump to the conclusion that you’re truly falling in love. Give yourself time (lots of it!), and in a more stable emotional climate, you can better evaluate what your feelings are for that person. The exhilarating, romance-filled days will not last. That’s because, as researchers in neurochemistry say, the dopamine-fueled hyperactivity can damage the brain.

One, two, three …

 In her Marie Claire interview, Miriam stated that she and Claudio had only known each other for about a year when they got married. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot in their book “Relationships” point out that the lifetime of most romantic relationships is only about two years, with a break-up occurring on the third year. Why? Well, they say that a man and a woman in the first year of their relationship are blind to the faults and defects of each other. Reality only sets in during the second year of the relationship, and the couple begins to notice the negatives in their partner’s attitudes, character, and personality.

So how do you find true love?
 
Radio Bible Class has a booklet entitled “How Can I Know Who To Marry?” that discusses steps for choosing the right partner in life and marriage. Available in print or online, this article by Kurt de Haan uses the Old Testament example of Isaac and Rebekah in helping people discover who the right man or woman is. It’s a great read and I recommend it to you.

The only problem however is that, if you are familiar with Isaac and Rebekah’s story, they started out so well and yet, decades later into their married life, they ended up favoring one child over another, with Rebekah deliberately fooling a blind Isaac into giving Jacob the birthright that belonged to Esau.

Loving toughness for singles

One book that I have read several times and which I have recommended to people who have asked me for help is Dr. James Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough.” In a chapter entitled “Loving Toughness for Singles” (pages 201 to 213) Dr. Dobson discusses sixteen suggestions that will help unmarried men and women to conform to the principles of loving toughness in matters of the heart. Number one in Dr. Dobson’s list (and which you know by now, applies to Miriam’s case) goes like this: “Don’t let the relationship move too fast in its infancy. The phrase ‘too hot not to cool down’ has validity. Take it one step at a time.”

Earlier on in this chapter, Dr. Dobson stated, “It is of highest priority to maintain a distinct element of dignity and self-respect in all romantic encounters. I have observed that many relationships suffer from a failure to recognize a universal characteristic of human nature. We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that which we are stuck. We lust for the very thing which is beyond our grasp; we disdain that same item when it becomes a permanent possession.”

Making marriage last a lifetime

I have cited the book “Fit To Be Tied” by Bill and Lynn Hybels numerous times in this blog . As I have said before, I do not agree with a lot of Bill Hybels’s theology and methodology. In terms of relationships and marriage, however, “Fit To Be Tied” is probably the best book that I have ever read. I highly recommend it to you, whether you are single, engaged to be married, or already married. I wish that Miriam had read this book before she had gotten married.

I love “Fit To Be Tied” so much that I have already bought three paperback editions of this book. I gave the first two copies to friends as wedding gifts and the third copy is circulating among my Bible school students. I have a hardbound edition of this book, which I bought from a second hand stall in SM Centerpoint two years ago. I am planning to give this book as a gift to the love of my life. She is the second most beautiful woman in the universe. The most beautiful woman in the universe is, of course, Angel Locsin.

Wishing Miriam well

If I remember correctly, Miriam slipped and fell during the Miss Universe competition. But she picked herself up and moved on to win as first runner-up. Miriam’s marriage has broken up, but she has picked herself up and is moving on. Miriam says in the last part of that Marie Claire article, “I’m now learning to love myself, respect myself and honor my preferences. I don’t have to change myself for someone else. I just have to be comfortable with who I am, warts and all.”

Well, well, well, lessons in love and life from Miriam Quiambao. Perhaps the profoundest thing I can ever say to Miriam is, “Go, girl!”

Happy Fathers’s Day!

The world will celebrate Father’s Day on Sunday, June 15. This early, I’d like to share with you a very popular selection entitled “Father’s Love Letter”, the video version of which has been viewed by million of people around the world.

Father's Love Letter is a compilation of Bible verses from both the Old and New Testaments that are presented in the form of a love letter from God to the world. The Flash movie version (around eight minutes long) is available in English and more than 80 other languages. The website’s home page describes FLL in this way:

Father's Love Letter is a selection of paraphrased Scriptures. Each line in the Father's Love Letter message is paraphrased, which means we have taken each scripture's overall message and summarized it as a single phrase to best express its meaning.

The Power Of God's Word

This message has the ability to change lives because it is God's Word. The Bible describes God's Word as living & active, sharper than any two-edged sword (Hebrews 4:12) and promises not to return empty (Isaiah 55:11).

Countless Stories

We have heard countless testimonies from thousands of people all over the world who have had a life-changing encounter with God while experiencing the message found in Father's Love Letter.

This Letter Was Written For You ...

... and its words are penned from a God who loves you and desires to be the Father that you have been looking for all your life. Wherever you are in your journey, we hope that this love letter will encourage you, comfort you and guide you on your way home.

In a world of absentee or abusive fathers, FLL provides abundant hope, indeed a very rare commodity these days. I do have misgivings about FLL’s message. As Ptr. John Piper says in his book “The Passion of Jesus Christ” (page 29),

“There is only one explanation for God’s love for us. It is not us. It is ‘the riches of his grace’ (Ephesians1:7). It is all free. It is not a response to our worth. It is the overflow of his infinite worth. In fact, that is what divine love is in the end: a passion to enthrall undeserving sinners, at great cost, with what will make us supremely happy forever, namely, his infinite beauty.”

Be that as it may, below is the text of Father’s Love Letter. You can also view the Flash movie (English version).

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad.

Please do not be fooled by the mask I wear … Please hear what I’m not saying

I took this picture some fifteen years ago during a choral interpretation competition in Rizal High School in Pasig City, Philippines. This school was once credited in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the world’s largest high school, with its total population at one point in time reaching up to 26,000 students. Several years ago, however, the school’s annexes became independent schools and the population of the main campus dwindled to around 8,000.

Anyway, you will notice that the faces of the students in this picture (except for about two students) are masked by dramatic make-up that complements their all-black attire. A selection that is appropriate for this picture is the poem “Please Hear What I’m Not Saying.” This poem has had several variations floating around in the Internet and in print publications, oftentimes reported as having been written anonymously. But the original version of this poem was written by Charles C. Finn. For more of his poetry, please visit Finn's website. Below is the original version of the poem as written by Finn.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.

My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings --
very small wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator --
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

Oftentimes, because of the fear of rejection and of being hurt (again!), we hold back from saying what we really think and feel for another person. I remember the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding" starring Julia Roberts. The character played by Julia had always been in love with her male best friend but she just could not take the risk of telling him what she really felt. Until the time came when her best friend was engaged to be married (to a character played by Cameron Diaz).

When Julia’s character and her best friend were on a leisurely trip in a boat, she thought about revealing to her best friend what she really felt. If I remember her lines correctly, she said, “Sometimes you just have to seize the moment and say out loud what you really feel. Otherwise, the moment will just pass you by.” But the moment came and went for Julia’s character and she just could not risk saying that she really was in love with him.

The Bible puts it very succinctly, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.”