Marian Rivera, Karylle, mind reading, and negative interpretations

I love watching news programs and last night, probably the country’s most-watched story on 24 Oras and TV Patrol was that of Marian Rivera’s highly-emotional outburst against fellow entertainer Karylle (does she have a surname?). It turns out that rumors are swirling that Marian is pregnant presumably by Dindong, Karylle’s ex-boyfriend. When Boy Abunda asked Karylle in a TV program as to what she can say about the rumors, Karylle smiled. Before she could answer however, Boy Abunda ended the interview (if I got the story right, that is). Because of Karylle’s mysterious smile, Marian in a press conference cried her heart out, saying she was deeply offended.

Well, well, well, Marian, Karylle and Dingdong … I taught journalism in Quezon City Science High School and Rizal High School from 1983 up to 1996 and I didn’t know how entertaining the news can be. For a few minutes last night, I forgot all about Congress and Cha Cha, the RH bill controversy, and the worldwide economic meltdown.

Negative patterns that can destroy your relationship or marriage

Anyway, I’d like to recommend to you an article by Kerby Anderson from the Probe Ministries website entitled “Why Marriages Fail.” While the article concerns itself with married couples, Marian can learn a thing or two. In this article, Anderson cites four negative patterns that can destroy your relationship or marriage. These patterns are escalation, invalidation, negative interpretations, and withdrawal and avoidance.

With regards Karylle’s mysterious smile and Marian’s negative interpretation, let me cite Anderson’s discussion about negative interpretations and mind reading:

“Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. When a relationship becomes more distressed, the negative interpretations mount and help create an environment of hopelessness. The attacked partner gives up trying to make himself or herself clear and becomes demoralized.

Another kind of negative interpretation is mind reading. Mind reading occurs when you assume you know what your partner is thinking or why he or she did something. Nearly everyone is guilty of mind reading at some time or other. And when you mind read positively, it does not tend to do much harm. But when you mind read on the negative side, it can spell trouble for a marriage.

In a previous post, I mentioned an incident between me and a friend. The incident went like this:

I have a good friend (my former high school yearbook editor way back in 1992), and several years ago, we got into a big fight over this issue of a man opening a door for a woman. I had taken pictures for her office of several farms in Tagaytay. On our way home, at C-5 and Buting in Pasig, I helped a woman reporter with her young son get down from the vehicle we were on. After I helped this woman reporter, I got back into the vehicle, completely forgetting about my friend who was sitting at the front. It was too late when I realized I didn’t help her out and that my friend had gotten off the vehicle by herself.

That Sunday, I texted her and apologized for not helping her get out of the vehicle like the way I did for that woman reporter and her son. My friend sent back a flaming text reply, saying that she could take care of herself and that even with her boyfriend, she was very independent.

Well, I texted her back immediately. Ha! I’m a guy and I wouldn’t take that kind of flaming text message sitting down! Just kidding! Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” I texted her saying, as far as I can remember, with these words, “I didn’t think of you as being helpless but rather as a woman who should always be honored and respected.”

Notice how these patterns came into play with this incident between my friend and me. When I texted her and apologized for not helping her get off the vehicle, she texted back with a negative interpretation of what I meant. If I sent back to her my own flaming text message, we would have moved to an escalation of the misunderstanding between us. Instead I replied with a message that validated her. That message calmed down things between us (after a month, she texted me saying that she had used my name as reference for her application for a new job). Although she didn’t say “sorry” or apologized outright for her negative interpretation and flaming text message, I positively interpreted her action as her way of saying sorry.

Back to Marian and Karylle

I am sure there’s more to the Marian-Karylle-Dingdong story than what TV news programs or tabloids are reporting. And so we don’t really know the complete background. But my unsolicited advice to Marian is not to do mind reading and negative interpretations. She will get married one of these days (to Dingdong perhaps; he’s single and available, right?) and she will come to know what these negative patterns can do to a marriage.

It's 2:25 PM right now. It's four hours and five minutes before 24 Oras and TV Patrol. I can't wait to know about what's happening with Marian and Karylle. Hmm, there's ANC News on cable's Channel 27 at 6 PM. Does RPN 9 still have its 5:30 PM newscast? Maybe I can watch that and learn more about Marian and Karylle ...

“Want to get married?”

A look at what “covenant marriage” is all about

Note: Presently, only Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana in the USA have covenant marriage laws. Americans who are residents of other states are however allowed to avail of these laws.

This article discusses [1] what a covenant marriage law is; [2] Philippine laws on marriage; [3] divorce and remarriage for Filipino citizens; [4] covenant marriage declaration and covenant marriage vows; [5] how fundamentalist and evangelical churches in the US started the covenant marriage movement; and [6] my proposal for a covenant marriage law in the Philippines.

Other topics I will discuss in this post are [7] the dreary statistics on divorce and live-in relationships; [8] 2,000 weddings daily in the Philippines; 95% of today’s single adults still deeply desire to be married; and [9] Filipinos are bound by our laws, wherever they may be in the world.

G. K. Chesterton once said, “When a man says I love you to a woman, what he really means is that, of all the millions of women in the world, I choose you.” This is such romantic stuff that a lot of you might think this article will be all about some mushy stuff. But truth is, we will be discussing some rather heavy legal stuff about marriage which could make you think twice before proposing or saying “I do.”

Philippine laws on marriage

The Family Code of the Philippines, specifically Article 1, defines marriage as follows,

Marriage is a special contract of permanent union between a man and a woman entered into in accordance with law for the establishment of conjugal and family life. It is the foundation of the family and an inviolable social institution whose nature, consequences, and incidents are governed by law and not subject to stipulation, except that marriage settlements may fix the property relations during the marriage within the limits provided by this Code.

Article 3 of the Family Code furthermore states that “a marriage ceremony takes place with the appearance of the contracting parties before the solemnizing officer and their personal declaration that they take each other as husband and wife in the presence of not less than two witnesses of legal age.”

Dreary statistics on divorce and live-in relationships

Too bad however that marriage has been taking a beating in recent years in terms of divorces and out-of-wedlock relationships. There is a controversy as to exactly what the divorce rate is in the US, with figures ranging from a low of 25% to a high of 50%. (Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his book “Love and Respect” cites the divorce rate in the US as 50%.) The Barna Research Group reported that in 1998, the divorce rate in the US among born-again Christians (27 percent) and fundamentalist Christians (30 percent was higher than no-Christians (23 percent). What’s more tragic is 85 percent said they obtained their divorce after they became Christians!

Here in the Philippines, the number of cases of annulment, legal separation and declaration of nullity of marriage has been rising through the years. The Office of the Solicitor General reported that in 2007, there were a total of 7,753 cases filed by persons seeking to terminate their marriage. Out of this number, 2,582 cases were filed in Metro Manila. The total number of this kind of cases has been rising through the years: 4,520 cases in 2001; 5,250 in 2002; 6,848 in 2003; 6,335 in 2004; and 7,138 in 2006. From 2001 to 2007, the OSG received a total of 43,617 cases of annulment and separation.

Because of the high legal costs of annulment cases, a lot more people are simply splitting up without going through judicial proceedings. The DSWD has reported that in the CALABARZON area, some 40% of couples are merely living in. The percentage translates into some 90,000 couples. Either these couples are first timers who simply do not believe in legalizing their marriage, OR they were previously married and because of the legal impediments, are now just living in with their present partners.)
Based on the 2000 Census of Population and Housing, of the 57.1 million Filipinos aged ten years and over,

• One percent or 558,023 were either divorced or separated;
• 4.3 percent or 2.4 million were in live-in arrangements;
• 4.1 percent or 2.4 million were widowed;
• 45.7 percent or 26.1 million were married;
• 44 percent were single.

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95% of today’s single adults still deeply desire to be married; 2,000 weddings daily in the Philippines


And yet, despite the dreary statistics on failed marriages and broken families, marriage experts Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot say that 95% of today’s single adults still deeply desire to be married. Census figures reveal that only about 5% of people in the US over sixty five years old have remained single. Almost everyone wants to marry, plans to marry and eventually does. Incidentally, the slideshow above shows wedding pictures of my former students (Leili and Ela) and friends (Ptr. Alen and Ruth). I shot the wedding pictures of Ela and Robert, Ptr. Alen and Ruth.

Contrary to popular belief, more Filipinos get married in May than in June. According to a 2006 National Statistics Office report, there were 593,553 weddings in 2003. The “marry-est” months of the year for Filipinos are May with over 2,000 weddings daily, followed by December and January. August registered the lowest number of weddings. Why? Most probably because August is the rainiest month of the year.
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Some time ago, a pastor told me of an American couple attending his church in a southern Luzon province. He told me that the husband wanted to know how he and his wife could get married here under Philippine law. The husband, fearful of the high divorce statistics in the US, said that since the Philippines doesn’t have a divorce law, his wife wouldn’t be able to divorce him if they were married (again) under Philippine laws.

The reasoning sounds good, the intention is definitely commendable but, sad to say, it’s legally flawed. Before telling you why this is so, please take note of the provisions of the New Civil Code of the Philippines cited below:

Art. 14. Penal laws and those of public security and safety shall be obligatory upon all who live or sojourn in the Philippine territory, subject to the principles of public international law and to treaty stipulations.

Art. 15. Laws relating to family rights and duties, or to the status, condition and legal capacity of persons are binding upon citizens of the Philippines, even though living abroad.

Art. 16. Real property as well as personal property is subject to the law of the country where it is stipulated.

However, intestate and testamentary successions, both with respect to the order of succession and to the amount of successional rights and to the intrinsic validity of testamentary provisions, shall be regulated by the national law of the person whose succession is under consideration, whatever may be the nature of the property and regardless of the country wherein said property may be found.

Art. 17. The forms and solemnities of contracts, wills, and other public instruments shall be governed by the laws of the country in which they are executed.

When the acts referred to are executed before the diplomatic or consular officials of the Republic of the Philippines in a foreign country, the solemnities established by Philippine laws shall be observed in their execution.

Prohibitive laws concerning persons, their acts or property, and those which have, for their object, public order, public policy and good customs shall not be rendered ineffective by laws or judgments promulgated, or by determinations or conventions agreed upon in a foreign country.

Filipinos are bound by our laws, wherever they may be in the world

What these provisions say, especially Article 15, is that wherever Filipinos may be in, whether in the Philippines or anywhere else in the world, they have to follow our laws on marriage, as provided for in the Family Code. Our general legal principle is “lex loci celebrationis” which means that if a marriage by a Filipino is valid in the country where it is celebrated, then it is considered as valid here in the Philippines. But this principle does not apply in cases or situations where the Family Code has declared certain “marriages” as incestuous, bigamous or null and void for reasons of morality or public policy. Thus, a marriage between Filipinos who are first cousins may be validly solemnized in some countries but such a marriage will not be recognized as valid here in the Philippines.Also, a marriage abroad by a Filipino below 18 years of age may be valid in other countries but not here in the Philippines.


A divorce obtained by a Filipino abroad will not be recognized here in the Philippines
On the basis of Article 15 of the New Civil Code, a divorce obtained by a Filipino citizen will not be recognized here. Please read the following articles I have written on the issue of divorce and remarriage for Filipinos:

• Divorce obtained abroad by a Filipino not recognized here
• The right of a divorced Filipino spouse to remarry under Article 26 of the Family Code
• Ruffa, Ylmaz, TV Patrol, divorce and remarriage by Filipinos; John and Gretchen?

Let’s go back to that American husband who wanted to get married under Philippine law to insure that his wife will not be allowed to divorce him. Any foreigner wanting to get married here in the Philippines is required by the Family Code (Article 21) to present a “certificate of legal capacity to contract marriage” from his embassy or consulate. Thus a marriage between foreigners can be solemnized here in the Philippines, but in relation to Article 15 of the New Civil Code which I cited above, it is American law, or more specifically, the law of the state where that American is a legal resident, which will govern whether he or his wife can file for a divorce. (Although Article 15 applies precisely only to Filipinos, based on the legal principle of “processual presumption,” we can infer that the principle is the same in American law.)

Like I said, that American husband’s intention was definitely commendable but his reasoning was flawed. So was that American husband simply to be left hanging in mid-air, going through the years, continually fearful that his American wife could divorce him at any time and practically for any flimsy reason under what is known as the “no-fault divorce” laws in the US? Not necessarily; I told the pastor to tell that American husband to convert or “upgrade” his marriage into a “covenant marriage.”


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Only Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana presently have covenant marriage laws

As of this date, only the states of Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana have what is known as “covenant marriage laws.” Here in the Philippines, we only have the kind of marriage provided for by the Family Code, also referred to as “contract marriage.” The Louisiana law on covenant marriage is Act 1298 of 1999, while Arizona’s covenant marriage law enacted in August 1998 is found in Sections 25-901 through 25-906 of the Arizona Revised Statutes. You can read the Arizona Supreme Court brochure on covenant marriage in PDF or Word doc format.
(It might interest you to know that US Republican Party presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee, formerly a Southern Baptist preacher, upgraded his contract marriage into a covenant marriage more than a year or two ago.)

Elsewhere in the US, only “contract marriages” are available, that is, a couple wanting to get married has to get a marriage license, and in front of two witnesses, take each other as husband and wife in a ceremony solemnized by an authorized person. (Articles 1 to 34 of the Family Code provide basically the same requirements for marriages by Filipinos.) If for some reason the marriage doesn’t work out, American couples can them resort to their state’s no-fault divorce, the main ground being irreconcilable differences. California was the first state to enact a no-fault divorce, in 1969. Since that time, nearly every state in the US has enacted a no-fault divorce law. It’s called as “no-fault divorce,” because neither party ascribes blame for the breakdown of the marriage on the other party.

Due to the alarming increase of divorce statistics since the introduction of no-fault divorce and as a reaction against same-sex marriages (sometimes called as “commitment ceremonies”), state legislatures like that of Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana enacted their covenant marriage laws. To put it simply, a covenant marriage law makes it more difficult to get married and even more difficult to get a divorce. Basically, besides the requirements for a contract marriage, persons wanting to enter into a covenant marriage need to fulfill the following requirements:

[1] They must go through a pre-marital counseling provided for a state authorized marriage counselor or by a religious minister. Such counseling includes the seriousness of entering into a covenant marriage as opposed to a contract marriage, and other aspects of married life including financial management.

[2] They must sign a contract or declaration stating that they have chosen their mates wisely and for life, and they bind themselves to seek counseling if their marriage encounters difficulties.

[3] The grounds for divorce are severely limited to adultery, physical or sexual abuse of the other spouse or of a child, abandonment for more than a year, drug or alcohol abuse, or when a spouse has been found guilty of a capital offense.

[4] The divorce proceedings are held in abeyance for a certain period, sometimes extending up to two years, while the couple undergoes marriage counseling.

Existing marriages in Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana are not affected by the covenant marriage laws, and persons with existing “contract marriages” can choose to convert their union into a covenant marriage. Of course, couples wanting to get married can choose, in the first place, a contract marriage instead of a covenant marriage.

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Covenant marriage declaration

In entering into a covenant marriage, couples are required to sign a “declaration” which goes like this:

We solemnly declare that marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman who agree to live together as husband and wife for as long as they both live. We have chosen each other carefully and have received premarital counseling on the nature, purposes and responsibilities of marriage. We understand that a covenant marriage is for life. If we experience marital difficulties, we commit ourselves to take all reasonable efforts to preserve our marriage, including marital counseling.

With full knowledge of what this commitment means, we do declare that our marriage will be bound by Arizona law on covenant marriages and we promise to love, honor and care for one another as husband and wife for the rest of our lives.

As I noted above, only Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana currently have covenant marriage laws. Sad to say, however, the covenant marriage bill in Oklahoma was defeated in the state legislature two or three years ago, despite the strong backing from Governor Frank Keating. In Oregon, Georgia and Texas, covenant marriage bills have passed only one house of the state legislature. (Wikipedia has a short but informative article about covenant marriage.)

Fundamentalist and evangelical churches started covenant marriage movement

The concept of covenant marriages however did not start with politicians and legislatures. Fundamentalist and evangelical churches in the US started what is now known as the “covenant marriage movement” that seeks to strengthen the institutions of marriage and the family. Just like the celebration of Mothers’ Day or Fathers’ Day, some churches have a designated “Covenant Marriage Sunday.” Dr. Bob Christensen has a covenant marriage ministry which offers documents that are social, moral and spiritual rather than legal contracts. Some of these contracts are the Covenant Marriage Document and the Pastor's Pledge.

There is even an unofficial, suggested covenant marriage vow poem being used by some churches. Phil & Cindy Waugh, former missionaries, also have their own covenant marriage ministries.

Dr. Gary Chapman, renowned marriage counselor, has also written a book entitled “Covenant Marriage” where he encourages couples to commit themselves to “steadfast loyalty, forgiveness, empathy, and commitment to resolving conflict so as to encourage each other in spiritual growth”. Chapman also shows how “communication and intimacy are two of the most important aspects in developing a successful covenant marriage.”

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A covenant marriage law for the Philippines

Like I noted above, the Family Code of the Philippines, specifically Articles 1 to 54 of Title I, provide only for “contract marriages.” Perhaps it’s high time for our Senate and the House of Representatives to get their acts together and pass a “covenant marriage law” patterned after that of Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana.

But taking our cue from the covenant marriage movement in the US, let’s not wait for our politicians to get their acts together. Churches and pastors should have a well-thought out, consistently applied pre-marriage seminars for their members contemplating marriage. Pastors should not be content with merely talking to the prospective bride and groom for an hour or two, engaging in general topics (Do you really love each other? Do you understand the seriousness of getting married? Do you know how to cook?) and calling it as pre-marriage counseling.

In Sunday sermons or in small group seminars, there should also be continuous education for husbands and wives. Our bookstores are overflowing with books and materials on marriage and relationships, on communication between spouses, etc, and the Internet itself is an almost inexhaustible source of materials on marriage and family life.

One book I highly recommend is Bill and Lynne Hybels’ book entitled “Fit To Be Tied” (copyright 1991; Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade). Although I don’t necessarily agree with all of Bill Hybels’ theology and methodology, I can say that “Fit To be Tied” is one of the very best books I have ever read on marriage and family life. On page 35, Bill Hybels says,

Though I do few weddings now, earlier in my ministry I did all the weddings at our church. Sometimes there were three or four weddings per weekend. I would stand with my Bible open, explaining God’s guidelines for marriage. The radiant young woman and the excited young man would stand within fourteen inches of me, meeting my gaze with a beam of shared love and passion and electricity. Incredible! Then they would repeat their vows of lifelong devotion and float out of the chapel. Six months later they would crash like a plane out of the sky. Devastated. Crushed. Another dashed dream.

One idea on pre-marriage counseling I have had for years is this: Persons who want to get married should inform the pastor of their marriage plans months before the set date. The pastor then requires the prospective groom to be counseled, for several weeks, by the married men of the church, and the prospective bride by the married women, over a period of time. The prospective groom and bride then exchange counselors, that is, the groom is now counseled by the married women, and the bride by the married men. As a finale, the prospective groom and bride are counseled by the married men and women as one group. (Perhaps also, the prospective groom and bride can spend some time in the houses of some volunteer couples, so they can observe first hand what married life really is all about.)

There is a Biblical basis for this kind of marriage counseling I propose. It’s found in Titus 2:1-7 which say:

1. But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine:
2. That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience.
3. The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
4. That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5. To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
6. Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded.
7. In all things shewing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine shewing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity,
8. Sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you.

Two years ago, I talked with a newly-married woman, offering to lend her my copy of Dr. Willard Harley’s book “Love Busters, Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love.” Incredibly, she said that she didn’t need to read it, or any book on marriage and relationships for that matter, because her marriage was “God-ordained.” Contrast this naive belief with what Debra Evans says in her book “The Christian Woman’s Guide to Sexuality” (copyright 1997; published by Crossway Books, a division of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois). Speaking to wives about the realities of marriage, Evans says in page xiv,

“Marriage requires our strenuous commitment – a continuing, conscious effort to remain open and obedient to God’s transforming work in our lives – over a period, in many cases, of hundreds of months and thousands of days. A successive series of seasons will bring changes, some welcome and some not, to the cherished bond we share with our husbands. Adapting across a span of years takes us deep into the hidden places of our hearts.”

So, who wants to get married? Or perhaps, the right question to ask is, Who wants to have a covenant marriage?

I do! I do!

The family that Internets together stays together?

I am sure that you have heard of Fr. Patrick Peyton’s famous quotation “The family that prays together stays together.” If we are to believe however a BBC news story entitled “Hi-tech brings families together” based on a Pew Internet report, it is now the Internet and mobile phones that are keeping families together. Consider some of the findings of the report:

[1] The Internet was often a social activity within families, with 51% of parents saying they browsed the web with their children.

[2] Using the Internet was often a social activity within families, with 51% of parents saying they browsed the web with their children.

[3] “Nuclear” families were more likely to have more hi-tech gadgetry in their home than almost any other group in the study. Multiple mobile phones were found in 89% of nuclear families and 66% had a high-speed net connection. The US national average for broadband is 52%. It also found that 58% of this type of family was likely to have more than two computers in the home.

[4] Many people use their mobile phone to keep in touch and maintain social ties with parents, siblings and children. Seventy percent of couples who both own a mobile use it every day to chat or say hello. In addition, it found, 42% of parents contact their children via their mobile every day.

[5] Fifty three percent of those questioned said that new technologies had increased the quality of their contact with distant family members, while 47% said it improved interaction with those they live with.

Any increase in time spent among family members is good news indeed. However, all is not well on this issue of the Internet and family ties.

Online murder, she wrote

Consider for example the Associated Press report by Mari Yamaguchi entitled “Online divorcee jailed after killing virtual hubby.. The report stated that a 43-year old Japanese woman is currently facing a possible five year prison term or a fine of five thousand dollars for carrying out a virtual murder of her online husband in a popular interactive game. (Those of you who know about or are involved in “Half-Life” are familiar with the online world of relationships, avatars, social interactions and even real life business dealings.)

Well, according to the AP report, the woman’s avatar was divorced by her online digital husband. That sudden divorce made her so angry that she committed virtual murder by killing off her man’s online persona. She was not arrested for the virtual murder but for hacking into the man's account.

Chat rooms and online affairs: from virtual to real

I had previously written about the dangers to children brought by Internet pornography and to marriages by online affairs in chat rooms. Perhaps it’s a good idea for you to re-read that post about the dangers to children brought by the Internet. As to online affairs in chat rooms, here’s the specific portion of that post:

Probe Ministries, in an article by Kerby Anderson, points out a danger that lonely and bored housewives are falling into, that is, online affairs or the allure of cyber-relationships. Anderson, citing the work of Peggy Vaughn, states:

Peggy Vaughn is the author of “The Monogamy Myth” and also serves as an expert for America Online on problems caused by infidelity. She predicts that one “role of the Internet in the future will be as a source of affairs.” She is writing a second book on the subject of adultery and says she could base half of it just on the letters she receives from people who started an affair online.

An online affair (or cyberaffair) is an intimate or sexually explicit communication between a married person and someone other than their spouse that takes place on the Internet. Usually this communication takes place through an online service such as America Online or CompuServe. Participants usually visit a chat room to begin a group conversation and then often move into a one-to-one mode of communication. Chat room categories range from “single and liking it” to “married and flirting” to “naked on the keyboard.”

Women in a chat room are often surprised at what develops in a fairly short period of time. At first the conversation is stimulating, though flirtatious. Quickly, however, women are often confronted with increasingly sexual questions and comments. Even if the comments don’t turn personal, women find themselves quickly sharing intimate information about themselves and their relationships that they would never share with someone in person. Peggy Vaughn says, “Stay-at-home moms in chat rooms are sharing all this personal stuff they are hiding from their partners.” She finds that the intensity of women’s online relationships can “quickly escalate into thinking they have found a soulmate.” [emphasis by boldfacing supplied - GTG]

Online affairs differ from physical world affairs in some ways, but are similar in others. Cyberaffairs are based upon written communication where a person may feel more free to express herself anonymously than in person. Frequently the communication becomes sexually graphic and kinky in ways that probably would not occur if a real person were hearing these comments and could act on them. Participants in an online affair will often tell their life stories and their innermost secrets. They will also create a new persona, become sexually adventurous, and pretend to be different than they really are. [emphasis by boldfacing supplied - GTG]

In that AP news report I mentioned above, Japanese police officers who arrested the woman said that she did not plot to carry out her revenge in the real world. Okay but I do question the state of mind of a person whose emotions can get so carried away by an imaginary, online world.

As to chat rooms and cyber-affairs, I personally know of one marriage that was shattered because the wife became involved in a real-life adulterous relationship with a man she had been chatting with in a singles chat room.

Transformers: Why do persistent suitors become passive husbands?

I have a question for the married women among you.

Do you still remember your days of courtship when you were showered with flowers, letters, chocolates, gifts, dates, time, affection, sharing of plans and dreams, romantic conversations, etc? But where, oh, where are all these things now? Why is your persistent suitor (who fetched you at home at 5 in the morning, brought you out on dates after school or work, and then brought you back home late at night, never wanting to be apart even for a second) NOW a sullen, uncommunicative robot glued to the news or sports programs on television?

Okay, okay, I got carried away, that's three questions in all.

The joke is, Adam was the very first passive husband, who by his disinterest and passivity, allowed Eve to fall into sin. We could all still be in Eden if Adam had only paid a little bit of attention to what was happening to Eve! Too many jokes have indeed been told about passive husbands, and men themselves, in their candid moments, admit that they have oftentimes abdicated the leadership role in the family. As Ptr. Chuck Swindoll once said in a radio message, “Most families today are run by petticoat governments.”

(Do women still wear petticoats at this point in time? Maybe Ptr. Chuck needs to update his quotation.)

Passive men … Some twenty years ago, a powerful earthquake devastated Kobe, Japan. A news story (from Time or Newsweek, I can’t recall now) reported that while the men just stood around, doing nothing except talking with other men, it was the women who set about clearing the debris, putting back together what remained of their houses into order, etc. (Maybe it's a cultural thing with the Japanese about this kind of work being beneath men.)

I have personally dealt with couples involved in legal and financial problems, and it’s amazing that it is often the women who take the active steps in dealing with their problems. One woman called me up and as I began to ask her questions on what the problem was all about, she said almost apologetically, “Sir, you better talk to my husband. He knows more about the problem than I do.” I wanted to ask her, “Then why didn’t your husband call me up himself, instead of asking you to call me up?”


Reasons for passivity among husbands

I’ve done some reading from pastors, psychologists and marriage counselors, and I have discovered several reasons why persistent suitors become passive husbands. By passivity among husbands, I mean, being uninvolved with the children or family life, being more involved in work or hobbies, and being uncommunicative and unresponsive emotionally with their wives. In fairness to men (that includes me!), some of these authors place the blame for men’s passivity on women themselves.

Men get burned by their wives’ unrealistic expectations

Chip Ingram (pastor, marriage counselor and president of Walk Through the Bible ministries) said something about passive men during his seminar held at Greenhills Christian Fellowship over a month ago. I’m amplifying what he said and I hope that I am not mis-stating him. Well, Ingram said that oftentimes, women have high, unrealistic expectations of their husbands and of their marriage. At first, a husband tries to meet these expectations but as he struggles to do so, all he gets from his wife are criticisms and nagging, without even a word or two of encouragement for some small steps of progress.

As he fails to meet his wife’s expectations, he begins to get discouraged, thinks that he's being judged unfairly, and feels that he will never measure up to his wife’s expectations. Result? He loses the interest or the motivation to change and thus becomes, what’s the word again? Ah yes, he becomes passive.

Most men have low expectations of their marriage

Dr. James Dobson, world-wide known authority on marriage, relationships and parenting, in his book “What wives wish their husbands knew about women”, says that loneliness, isolation, boredom and absence of romantic love in marriage are at the top of the list of sources of depression for women. In pages 64 and 65 of his book, Dobson bluntly states that most men are content with a business like partnership in their marriage, with sexual relations thrown in as part of the package. He says further that a husband is generally content if his wife is amiable and looks well after the home and the children. But Dobson clarifies that a woman is different, yearning to be loved and cherished as the most important person in her husband’s life.

Most men marry for safety; hesitant knights in shining armor

John Eldredge, in his book “Wild at Heart: Discovering The Secret of a Man’s Soul” says in more poetic terms what Dobson said so bluntly about men. In the chapter titled “A Beauty to Rescue,” Eldredge states that “the theme of a strong man coming to rescue a beautiful woman is universal to human nature.” He cites the examples of Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Helen of Troy, Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra, Arthur and Guinevere, to prove that this theme is “written into our hearts as one of the core desires of men and women.” (I might add to his list of knights and maidens, Dingdong and Karylle … Or is it Dingdong and Marianne now? I’m getting confused.)

Anyway, Eldredge says of his own marriage that after ten years, he didn’t feel any love at all for his wife, and that divorce seemed to be the only viable option for them. Eldredge asks, “Where did all that passion go?” In page 184, he admits that like most men, he married for safety, marrying a woman whom he thought would never challenge him as a man. He says that like the knight in shining armor, he wanted to woo and win the beautiful maiden in the castle, but that he thought he could do it without bleeding or fighting for her. He concludes, “The number one problem between men and their women is that we men, when asked to truly fight for her … hesitate. We are still seeking to save ourselves; we have forgotten the deep pleasure of spilling our life for another.”

Gear shifting and changing tack

Bill and Lynne Hybels, in their book “Fit To Be Tied” (probably the best book on marriage and relationships I have ever read) give the most practical reason why a man becomes passive in his relationship with his wife. They say in pages 146 and 147 that men, by nature, are task- or goal-oriented, capable of focusing only on one thing at any given time. A man persistently showers his prospective wife with attention, affection and attention until the woman says "yes" to marriage. Right after the marriage however, the man shifts gears (or changes tack, in sailing terms) from getting the woman to say “yes” to working hard at his work or career. He does this gear shifting in good faith, thinking that he should now focus in providing for his family and getting ahead in his work or career.

For the man, this gear shifting is a function of his being task- or goal-oriented, of focusing on one thing at a time, and is a natural progression in his life. But for the woman he pursued so persistently and so passionately, the shift in his focus and attention (from her as a woman to his work or career), is an earth-shaking, Magnitude 8 betrayal. She thinks and feels that she has been deceived.

How a woman measures the quality of her marriage

Secular psychologist John Gray in his book “Mars and Venus: Together Forever” says that today’s men do not realize that today’s women do not want financial security only but crave for emotional support from their husbands. Perhaps Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, has stated it more cogently than the male authors I have quoted. She says, “Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.”


Note: Read also “Relating to the Emotionally Detached Man” by Dr. David Hawkins, Director, Marriage Recovery Center

And the bride wore white ... Seven secrets to sexual purity

Note: I first posted this article December 10, 2007. I am reprinting it here to include the results of the 2002 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Study conducted by the UP Population Institute and in view of the raging controversy over HB 3773 or the “Integrated Reproductive Health and Population Reduction Bill”. Please surf to the PRO-Life Philippines website for its critique of HB 3773.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Statistics on teenage pregnancies and sexual experiences

Dr. James Dobson, I think, said that a million teenagers in the US get pregnant every year. In the Philippines, according to the 2003 National Demographic and Health Survey, one out of four women become mothers by age 19 while four out of 10 women in the 20-24-year-old bracket have already engaged in sexual activity.

The 2002 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Study (YAFS 3) conducted by the UP Population Institute and the Demographic Research and Development Foundation, Inc. revealed the following alarming statistics:

[1] Twenty-three percent of youth have engaged in premarital sex. A considerable number of sexually-active youth have had multiple partners, with almost half of the males (49%) and 11% of the females reporting more than one sex partner. One in five of the sexually-active males had paid for sex while 12% had accepted payment for sex. Prevalence of commercial sex is negligible among females, with less than one percent of the girls having paid or been paid for sex.

Over time, there has been an increase in the proportion of sexually active youth in the country, from 18 percent (among those aged 15-24) in 1994 to 23 percent in 2002. The age of first sex is also getting younger. Based on the 2002 survey, 1.2 percent of both young males and females have already engaged in sex before they turn 13 years old. Before reaching 18 however, the probability of engaging in sex increased sharply for males (28 percent) while 12 percent would have done so among females.

Previous analyses conducted by the UP Population Institute on the sexual behavior of Filipino youth have highlighted the increasing influence of peers on young people's decision whether or not to engage in sex. Peers have also been cited as important source of information regarding sex and reproductive health matters, along with the media.

[2] While nearly all (95%) young adults have heard of HIV/AIDS, 73% believe there is no chance of them getting HIV/AIDS.

[3] The percentage of young adults who think that AIDS is curable more than doubled between 1994 and 2002. In 1994, only 12.5% thought that there was a cure to HIV/AIDS. This increased to 28% in 2002.

[4] More males than females are familiar with sexually-transmitted diseases (70% vs. 63%) although males are more likely to think that AIDS is curable (30% for males vs. 26% for females).

[5] Thirty two per cent of Filipino teenagers (15-19 years old) knew that their single female friends are sexually active while 38 percent said that their single male friends have already engaged in sex. This interesting information provides yet another clue on the extent of sexual activity among Filipino teenagers.

In addition, their report on their friends' sexual activity also shows some degree of awareness on the possible consequences of sexual activity. They said that half of their female friends who have engaged in premarital sex got pregnant. Of this proportion, 4 out of 5 pushed through with the pregnancy and slightly more than half of those who went through with the pregnancy eventually married the father of their kids.

Among their unmarried male friends on the other hand, 4 in 10 claimed that their friends got somebody pregnant. Out of this number, 2 in 5 ended up marrying the mother of their kids.

On a more personal note, I have known of incidents involving unwed pregnancies and premarital sexual activities involving pastors’ kids and teenagers who grew up in church. One pastor asked me if he could solemnize a marriage between members of his church (both minors), the girl having gotten pregnant. I informed him that under the Family Code, no person below 18 can get married, even with parental consent. One pastor in Cavite who has become frustrated by what was happening to the young people in his church once asked me what to do.

I strongly support sexual abstinence and purity programs such as True Love Waits and Silver Ring Thing. One author I highly recommend to you (whether you are a mother or father, a teenager, a pastor or youth director) is Dannah Gresh.

Resources on sexual purity before and during marriage by Dannah Gresh

Dannah’s websites are www.purefreedom.org, www.secretkeepergirl.com and www.dannahgresh.com. Her books on sexual purity before and during marriage are “And the Bride Wore White,” “Pursuing the Pearl,” and “Secret Keeper Girl”.

November 2006, I gave a lecture for the BMP-HELP pastors conference in Tagaytay City. Rushing home to Manila in the afternoon, I got to OMF Lit Bookstore in Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong just before 5 PM. From the love gift given to me by the pastors, I was able to buy at nearly seven hundred pesos the very last copy of “And the Bride Wore White”. March 2007, I gave this book as a graduation gift to the love of my life. She is the second most beautiful woman in the universe. Who is the most beautiful woman in the universe, you ask? Well, who else but movie actress Angel Locsin!

In the Purefreedom website, Dannah and her husband Bob, explain what their ministry to young men and women is all about:

It is the mission of Pure Freedom to equip men and women of all ages to live a vibrant life of purity, to experience healing from past impurity if it exists in their lives, and to experience a vibrant, passionate marriage which portrays the love Christ has for his Bride the church.(Ministry verse: Ephesians 5:31,32)

Pure Freedom provides resources with radically-unique approaches to focus on specific issues that teen girls and/or guys face in the area of purity and holiness. Our events, the hallmark of our ministry, are about sexual purity and yet they are much more about the totality of a life submitted to the will of God in a quest to enjoy the blessings of His plan.

We believe that the temptation to fail sexually comes in different forms for girls and for boys. We also believe that they will one day enjoy God's gift of sex within the confines of marriage for different reasons. Whereas the girls are primarily emotionally driven, the guys are primarily driven by sight. Because of this dichotomy, it is vital that we educate them separately and emphasize different areas of temptation.

In their seminars for young men and women, Dannah and Bob have expounded on the Bible’s principles on sexual purity through their discussion of the Hebrew word "yada". In their website, they explain that "yada" is used to both refer to holy sexuality as in that between Adam and Eve AND to refer to the holy knowing that a man can know with God. It speaks of the emotional and spiritual nature of a relationship.

Seven secrets to sexual purity

Dannah, in her book “And the Bride Wore White”, discusses the following secrets to maintaining sexual purity:

[1] Purity is a process.
[2] Purity dreams of its future.
[3] Purity is governed by its value.
[4] Purity speaks boldly.
[5] Purity loves its Creator at any cost.
[6] Purity embraces wise guidance.
[7] Purity watches burning flames.

Dannah does not simply discuss things at a theoretical level. One of the very practical tips she gives in her book on how teenagers can stay sexually pure is to "stay public and stay vertical."

The quest for a pure, passionate marriage

The second book by Dannah Gresh which I have read is “Pursuing the Pearl” (it was a gift from Bro. David Witta and his family from Massachusetts, USA). In this book, she discusses what she calls “The Enemy’s Fake Pearls” which are [1] status and stuff; [2] social acceptance; [3] giving up and starting over; [4] pride and dreams.

Locally, this book costs around four hundred pesos. That is quite steep, but what Dannah says in page pages 62 and 63 are worth the price of the book. She warns her readers, “Sexual impurity is a zero tolerance arena. You are on shaky ground if there are emotional bonds being created between you and another man (or your husband and another woman).” Dannah explains that these bonds begin with little things like:

• Innocently having lunch alone with a man


• Seeking advice from a man about personal issues, especially marital issues


• Seeking or accepting frequent praise or affirmation from the same man


• Being or becoming comfortable with being alone in an office or a home together


• Intentionally seeking out time to be with this man


• Manipulating your schedule to see him


• Spending time fantasizing about him

If you are parents concerned about your teenage kids and their sexual purity, a pastor or youth leader seeking to help your youth group, or a man or woman thinking of the best Christmas gift to give the love of your life, consider giving them any of Dannah Gresh’s books.

The only book by Dannah Gresh I haven’t read yet is “Secret Keeper Girl.” Two problems. One, as far as I know, there are no copies of this book locally. Two, even if it were available, how do I go about buying the book? Hey, I am a guy and I’m thinking, what would the store clerks say if I bought a copy of this book?

Relationship tips from Lois Lane and Superman, MJ and Spiderman

About a week ago, while having lunch, I caught glimpses on cable TV of the 2006 “Superman” movie. You probably know the story. After several years of absence, Superman (played by Brandon Routh) came back to Earth. And why did he move away in the first place?

I didn’t get the see the whole movie but from what I understand, Lois Lane (played by the gorgeous Kate Bosworth) wrote a scathing newspaper article entitled “Why the world doesn’t need Superman” and that gave Superman a super-sized heartbreak that could only be healed in cosmic hibernation. Well at the end of the movie, Kate (I mean, Lois Lane) sits down before her laptop, begins typing “Why the world needs Superman” but couldn’t continue. Then tears start welling up in her eyes … (This scene reminds me of Omar Khayyam’s quatrain which goes like this: “Ah Love! Could you and I with Him conspire, To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire; Would not we shatter it to bits and then remold it nearer to the heart’s desire.”)

Lessons? Bite your tongue! Keep your mouth shut! Stop yourself from sending that flaming e-mail or text message! Oftentimes, in a fit of anger or jealousy, you say things that you really never meant to say. Or you said things in a harsh tone of voice. What’s worse than not being able to take your words back is that, in this day and age of the Internet and mobile phones, the person you fought with can repeatedly review your flaming e-mail or text message. The Book of Proverbs in the Old Testament has numerous verses on wisely holding back our angry words. Perhaps you might want to review my post “Why Marriages Fail: He said, She said ...”

That was the 2006 movie. I just read from Wikipedia that in the current comics version of Superman, Clark Kent and Lois Lane are married. Yahoo! Hope springs eternal!

MJ and Spiderman: Lessons in communication, listening, and forgiveness

You have probably seen the Spiderman movie series with Tobey Maguire (the wall-crawling hero) and Kirsten Dunst (MJ, the love interest). In the last scenes of “Spiderman 3,” MJ looked absolutely stunning in a white blouse tucked into a black skirt. Do you remember that scene when Spiderman was in a restaurant about to ask MJ to marry him? MJ was so preoccupied with losing her starring role in a theater production. While she was trying to explain in the typical feminine way (that is, going around in circles before getting to the point of what was bothering her), Spidey interrupted her (so typical of men to interrupt!) and said that he knew exactly how she felt. MJ then walked out of the restaurant and Spidey’s marriage proposal went unsaid.

Later on, Spiderman was in deep anguish over learning of the true identity of his uncle’s killer. MJ then visited him in his apartment to offer all the love and emotional support that she felt he needed during that time of personal crisis. But Spiderman, out of pride and still nursing a broken heart, refused to accept whatever comfort MJ wanted to give him.

What’s the lesson here? Spiderman should have taken that visit as a cue that MJ really cared about him. He should have forgiven and taken her back. (This is just a movie, okay? Of course, Spiderman had to act the way he did, otherwise the movie would not have proceeded the way the movie was written.)

Another lesson however is that when we do have to say sorry for whatever we may have said or done, we’ve got to say it in words, loud and clear, so that there won’t be any misinterpretations. That calls for humility and swallowing our pride. Marriage counselors have said that a lot of times, a husband tenderly initiates lovemaking as his way of asking forgiveness from his wife. But that often backfires since the wife does not want to have sex when she is still stewing over their previous argument. As Emerson Eggerichs says in his book Love and Respect, “When a woman’s spirit is crushed, her body is unavailable.”

Well, well, well, Lois Lane and Superman, MJ and Spiderman, Kate Bosworth and Kirsten Dunst ... Wikipedia says that Beyonce Knowles will play Lois Lane in the next Superman movie. Hmm, I wonder what lessons in relationships we will learn from her ...

Relationship tip: Never say “never” or “always”

When you are seriously arguing or engaged in a heated discussion with anyone (boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, a friend, etc), never use the words “never” and “always.” For example, never say, “You are never early for our appointments” or “You are always late.”

As Bill and Lynn Hybells say in their book “Fit To Be Tied”:

“If we want our grievances to be taken seriously we must make accurate, truthful, realistic statements. Always and never will always – well, almost always – shift the focus away from the real issue.”

Lessons in love and life from Miriam Quiambao

Yesterday, after wading through ankle-deep floodwaters along Ortigas Avenue and then having a dinner of spaghetti, warmed over chicken and some Milo, I sat down to read a Marie Claire magazine (Philippine edition) which had Miriam Quiambao on its cover. I did not buy the magazine, okay? My sister brought home this September 2006 issue, okay?

You probably know that Miriam Quiambao represented the Philippines and became first runner-up in the 1999 Miss Universe competition. She became a media celebrity after that, and her idyllic wedding in Boracay to a guy named Claudio was aired on local television. Her marriage has broken up however and she has returned quietly to the Philippines.

In that Marie Claire article written by Lara Parpan, Miriam candidly reveals the reasons why her marriage broke up. Here they are from Parpan’s interview:

• “I prepared for the wedding, not for the marriage.”
  
  
• “I was at that point in my life when I said: ‘Here I am. I’ve achieved my dreams career-wise. What’s next?’ I wanted to have a family …And here came this guy who seemed to fit my ideal – he could provide for me. All women look for someone who can provide for them.”
  
  
• “I wanted to change my husband. I married him for an ideal that I created in my mind. Not for who he was.”
  
  
• “I understand that for a guy, his priority is his work. But I felt neglected at times because when he got home, we didn’t get to talk much. We lacked those deep conversations that really bond couples.”
  
• “The attraction between us was instant and I fell in love. He proposed to me three weeks into the relationship.”
  
• “That’s when we were having difficulties with the long-distance relationship.”

My Family Matters website became online in December 2005 and since that time I have received more than a thousand e-mails and blog comments, mostly from women whose marriages have either already broken up or about to be. Let me share with you some of the things I have said to these women in crisis. Please take note that in this discussion, I do not wish in any way to put Miriam in a bad light or to belittle the heartaches she has gone through.

From Barbara to Miriam

Barbara DeAngelis is a well-known relationships expert whose book “Are You The One For Me?” became a New York Times number one bestseller. I do not subscribe to Barbara’s lifestyle or views but some things she said in her book really make sense in light of Miriam’s experience. For example, Barbara states in page 85 the seven wrong reasons for someone to be in a relationship:

1. Pressure (age, family, friends, etc)
2. Loneliness and desperation
3. Sexual hunger
4. Distraction from your own life
5. To avoid growing up
6. Guilt
7. To fill up emotional or spiritual emptiness

You probably guessed it right. Barbara’s reason number seven applies to Miriam’s case. Miriam had achieved everything she had set her eyes on and what was lacking? Ah yes, a dashing prince, a fairy-tale wedding, a family …

Miriam mentioned that she and her husband, while courting, had a long-distance relationship. Barbara, in page 309, characterizes long-distance relationships as a Toxic Time Bomb. She says, “The goal of two lovers in a ‘normal’ relationship should be to become more loving and intimate with one another. The goal of two long-distance lovers becomes to see each other.”

Miriam also said she and her husband lacked deep conversations and emotional bonding. Barbara states in page 197 nine fatal flaws to watch out for in a partner. Number seven in her list? “Emotionally unavailable.”

The cuddle chemicals

Miriam also stated that she and Claudio fell in love instantly and that her husband proposed to her three weeks into the relationship. At this point, you probably should read my article “Love Potion No. 9” where I discussed what the so-called “cuddle chemicals” are and how they impact our relationships. These chemicals are dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. Vincent du Vigneaud won the 1955 Nobel Prize in Chemistry when he discovered, isolated and synthesized oxytocin and vasopressin.

Secular writer Eve Salinger says that, at the beginning stages, when a man and woman start getting attracted to each other, the human brain produces increasing levels of “dopamine” and “norepinephrine” that create feelings of exhilaration and lovesickness. Salinger says that as the romantic relationship loses its initial exhilarating buzz, “dopamine” and “norepinephrine” are replaced by “vasopressin” and “oxytocin” which promote bonding or a warm, fuzzy feeling between the man and the woman.

These chemicals are reactive, meaning they don’t just kick into our systems for no reason at all and hold us hostage to their effects. There’s always first a stimulus - food, a breathtaking scenery, an attractive guy (okay, okay, you can use me as an example!) – that sets these chemicals into action. In one study for example, when women in good marriages were asked to think about their husbands, the oxytocin levels in their blood increased. The stimulus was the pleasing thoughts about their husbands, and the effect was increased oxytocin levels.

What are the practical applications for you in knowing all these things about the cuddle chemicals? Well, when you meet someone attractive and interesting (okay, okay, if you insist, you can use me again for an example!), the sparks will start flying but that’s only because of dopamine kicking into your system. Don’t jump to the conclusion that you’re truly falling in love. Give yourself time (lots of it!), and in a more stable emotional climate, you can better evaluate what your feelings are for that person. The exhilarating, romance-filled days will not last. That’s because, as researchers in neurochemistry say, the dopamine-fueled hyperactivity can damage the brain.

One, two, three …

 In her Marie Claire interview, Miriam stated that she and Claudio had only known each other for about a year when they got married. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot in their book “Relationships” point out that the lifetime of most romantic relationships is only about two years, with a break-up occurring on the third year. Why? Well, they say that a man and a woman in the first year of their relationship are blind to the faults and defects of each other. Reality only sets in during the second year of the relationship, and the couple begins to notice the negatives in their partner’s attitudes, character, and personality.

So how do you find true love?
 
Radio Bible Class has a booklet entitled “How Can I Know Who To Marry?” that discusses steps for choosing the right partner in life and marriage. Available in print or online, this article by Kurt de Haan uses the Old Testament example of Isaac and Rebekah in helping people discover who the right man or woman is. It’s a great read and I recommend it to you.

The only problem however is that, if you are familiar with Isaac and Rebekah’s story, they started out so well and yet, decades later into their married life, they ended up favoring one child over another, with Rebekah deliberately fooling a blind Isaac into giving Jacob the birthright that belonged to Esau.

Loving toughness for singles

One book that I have read several times and which I have recommended to people who have asked me for help is Dr. James Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough.” In a chapter entitled “Loving Toughness for Singles” (pages 201 to 213) Dr. Dobson discusses sixteen suggestions that will help unmarried men and women to conform to the principles of loving toughness in matters of the heart. Number one in Dr. Dobson’s list (and which you know by now, applies to Miriam’s case) goes like this: “Don’t let the relationship move too fast in its infancy. The phrase ‘too hot not to cool down’ has validity. Take it one step at a time.”

Earlier on in this chapter, Dr. Dobson stated, “It is of highest priority to maintain a distinct element of dignity and self-respect in all romantic encounters. I have observed that many relationships suffer from a failure to recognize a universal characteristic of human nature. We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that which we are stuck. We lust for the very thing which is beyond our grasp; we disdain that same item when it becomes a permanent possession.”

Making marriage last a lifetime

I have cited the book “Fit To Be Tied” by Bill and Lynn Hybels numerous times in this blog . As I have said before, I do not agree with a lot of Bill Hybels’s theology and methodology. In terms of relationships and marriage, however, “Fit To Be Tied” is probably the best book that I have ever read. I highly recommend it to you, whether you are single, engaged to be married, or already married. I wish that Miriam had read this book before she had gotten married.

I love “Fit To Be Tied” so much that I have already bought three paperback editions of this book. I gave the first two copies to friends as wedding gifts and the third copy is circulating among my Bible school students. I have a hardbound edition of this book, which I bought from a second hand stall in SM Centerpoint two years ago. I am planning to give this book as a gift to the love of my life. She is the second most beautiful woman in the universe. The most beautiful woman in the universe is, of course, Angel Locsin.

Wishing Miriam well

If I remember correctly, Miriam slipped and fell during the Miss Universe competition. But she picked herself up and moved on to win as first runner-up. Miriam’s marriage has broken up, but she has picked herself up and is moving on. Miriam says in the last part of that Marie Claire article, “I’m now learning to love myself, respect myself and honor my preferences. I don’t have to change myself for someone else. I just have to be comfortable with who I am, warts and all.”

Well, well, well, lessons in love and life from Miriam Quiambao. Perhaps the profoundest thing I can ever say to Miriam is, “Go, girl!”

Happy Fathers’s Day!

The world will celebrate Father’s Day on Sunday, June 15. This early, I’d like to share with you a very popular selection entitled “Father’s Love Letter”, the video version of which has been viewed by million of people around the world.

Father's Love Letter is a compilation of Bible verses from both the Old and New Testaments that are presented in the form of a love letter from God to the world. The Flash movie version (around eight minutes long) is available in English and more than 80 other languages. The website’s home page describes FLL in this way:

Father's Love Letter is a selection of paraphrased Scriptures. Each line in the Father's Love Letter message is paraphrased, which means we have taken each scripture's overall message and summarized it as a single phrase to best express its meaning.

The Power Of God's Word

This message has the ability to change lives because it is God's Word. The Bible describes God's Word as living & active, sharper than any two-edged sword (Hebrews 4:12) and promises not to return empty (Isaiah 55:11).

Countless Stories

We have heard countless testimonies from thousands of people all over the world who have had a life-changing encounter with God while experiencing the message found in Father's Love Letter.

This Letter Was Written For You ...

... and its words are penned from a God who loves you and desires to be the Father that you have been looking for all your life. Wherever you are in your journey, we hope that this love letter will encourage you, comfort you and guide you on your way home.

In a world of absentee or abusive fathers, FLL provides abundant hope, indeed a very rare commodity these days. I do have misgivings about FLL’s message. As Ptr. John Piper says in his book “The Passion of Jesus Christ” (page 29),

“There is only one explanation for God’s love for us. It is not us. It is ‘the riches of his grace’ (Ephesians1:7). It is all free. It is not a response to our worth. It is the overflow of his infinite worth. In fact, that is what divine love is in the end: a passion to enthrall undeserving sinners, at great cost, with what will make us supremely happy forever, namely, his infinite beauty.”

Be that as it may, below is the text of Father’s Love Letter. You can also view the Flash movie (English version).

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad.

Please do not be fooled by the mask I wear … Please hear what I’m not saying

I took this picture some fifteen years ago during a choral interpretation competition in Rizal High School in Pasig City, Philippines. This school was once credited in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the world’s largest high school, with its total population at one point in time reaching up to 26,000 students. Several years ago, however, the school’s annexes became independent schools and the population of the main campus dwindled to around 8,000.

Anyway, you will notice that the faces of the students in this picture (except for about two students) are masked by dramatic make-up that complements their all-black attire. A selection that is appropriate for this picture is the poem “Please Hear What I’m Not Saying.” This poem has had several variations floating around in the Internet and in print publications, oftentimes reported as having been written anonymously. But the original version of this poem was written by Charles C. Finn. For more of his poetry, please visit Finn's website. Below is the original version of the poem as written by Finn.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.

My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings --
very small wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator --
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

Oftentimes, because of the fear of rejection and of being hurt (again!), we hold back from saying what we really think and feel for another person. I remember the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding" starring Julia Roberts. The character played by Julia had always been in love with her male best friend but she just could not take the risk of telling him what she really felt. Until the time came when her best friend was engaged to be married (to a character played by Cameron Diaz).

When Julia’s character and her best friend were on a leisurely trip in a boat, she thought about revealing to her best friend what she really felt. If I remember her lines correctly, she said, “Sometimes you just have to seize the moment and say out loud what you really feel. Otherwise, the moment will just pass you by.” But the moment came and went for Julia’s character and she just could not risk saying that she really was in love with him.

The Bible puts it very succinctly, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.”

RA 7610: preventing the sexual abuse of children

As a schoolteacher, I have known several students who were sexually abused. One student (valedictorian of his high school class) was sexually abused when he was about seven years old by a relative. Another student was repeatedly sexually abused by his two older brothers.

As a lawyer, I have been consulted by pastors and members on issues dealing with sexual abuse not only in their communities but also in their churches. One pastor who ministers in a depressed area in Metro Manila told me of numerous cases of girls being abused by their own fathers.

Republic Act 7610 is our country’s law on the prevention of child abuse and exploitation. Section 3 (b) of the law enumerates the various forms of child abuse, among others, as psychological and physical abuse, neglect, cruelty, sexual abuse and emotional maltreatment. In this post, I will focus on the issue of child sexual abuse and how parents, schools and communities can deal proactively with this problem.

There are numerous resources available on the Internet on the issue of child sexual abuse. What I will do in this post is to give highlights of these resources and provide the links so that you can read the articles in their entirety.

Facts and statistics on child abuse in the Philippines

[1] http://www.childprotection.org.ph/ is a website that features organizations in the Philippines, both state-run and non-governmental, that work on the issue of child protection. It is a project supported by the Arci Cultura E Sviluppo, Save the Children (UK) Philippines, and UNICEF Manila with the participation of eight other organizations. Among its statistics on child abuse are:

There are 1.5 million streetchildren. DSWD estimates that this number increases annually by 6,365.

Of the 1.5 million streetchildren, 60,000 are prostituted (ECPAT 1996). The DSWD claims that the annual average increase of prostituted children is 3,266.

The Philippines is the fourth country with the most number of prostituted children (Intersect, December 1995).

Research studies conducted in schools show that for every 3 Filipino children, one child experiences abuse (Manila Bulletin, 11 February 1996). During the first semester of 1999 alone, there were 2,393 children who fell prey to rape, attempted rape, incest, acts of lasciviousness and prostitution (DSWD 1st semester, CY 1999).

[2] Most Negros rape victims are children, from Philippine Daily Inquirer Visayas Bureau, by Romey G. Amarado

Police recorded a total of 145 rape cases in Negros Oriental between January and June this year. 122 of them were children according to the Women and Children's Concerns Desk (WCCD) of the PNP. Of the 51 cases that were directly recorded by the WCCD, 42 of them were children, half of them under the age of 12 and the rest, aged 15 to 17. The majority of the victims were girls and the youngest was a four-year-old boy raped by his uncle in Dumaguete City. Two cases were incest; eleven and sixteen year-old girls were the victims.

Last year 94 cases were reported, 70 of these were children. Twenty-four of the victims were 12 years old and younger. The youngest victim in 2000 was a two-year-old girl. Researches hold that most cases of rape are unreported and for every one that is reported at least ten more can be presumed. The WCCD is conducting children's rights awareness seminars which in turn, seems to be resulting in more reports of child abuse.

Myths and facts about sexual abuse

One great secular resource on child sexual abuse is the blog Telling It Like It Is, with articles written by Lin Burress. Very candidly, Lin reveals that she was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. Despite learning all she could about the issue and teaching her children about the warning signs, Lin says that “one of her sons was sexually abused at a young age by a highly respected church minister and close family friend, inside the church she attended at that time.”

In Lin’s article entitled “Child Molestation Prevention Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse,” she tackles the issues of (a) Signs of Sexual Abuse; (b) Why Don’t Children Tell? and (c) What Can Parents Do To Keep Children Safe?" Lin warns that:

Most sexual abuse is committed by people the child already knows such as friends, relatives, caregivers, trusted adults as well as complete strangers. Sexual abuse takes many forms and can involve forcing, coercing, bribing or threatening a child into sexual activity. The abuse often begins gradually and increases over time unless discovered.

Among other valuable articles in Lin’s blog are the following:

• Child Sexual Abuse: Facts vs. Myths
• Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talking to Your Children About Sexual Abuse
• Mother Blame: Blaming Mothers of Sexually Abused Children
• Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse-The Series

Danger signals about sexual predators; local resources available

The Center for the Prevention & Treatment of Child Sexual Abuse (CPTCSA) is a non-profit, non-government, child-focused institution working towards a safe world for children free from sexual abuse exploitation. This NGO, based in UP Village, Quezon City, has numerous materials on the prevention of child sexual abuse, including a ten-session Sunday School material. Some materials are free while others are for sale.

In its flyers and posters, CPTCSA enumerates some of the early warning signals and telltale signs of sexual offenders which children - and their parents - should be aware of. These are:

[1] Offender says you are special, different or the only one who really understands him
[2] Treats you differently from other kids; gives you special privileges; treats you like an adult while he acts like a kid
[3] Says he is teaching you sex education by showing you pornographic pictures or movies; he shows his body or touches yours
[3] Puts lotion or ointment on you when your mother or others are not around (even when you don’t need the ointment)
[4] Offenders hang around school, yard or park where children play; tells you “not to tell” or asks to “keep a secret”
[5] Does not let you have friends or does not let you do things that other kids your age do
[5] Comes into your bedroom for no reason
[6] Asks you to do things that involve physical contact or touching of private parts
[7] Offender wants to spend time alone with you; makes excuses for you to go places with him
[8] Asks questions or makes accusations about sex between you and your boyfriends
[9] “Accidentally” comes into the bathroom when you are taking a bath; not respecting your privacy
[10] May fool your parents into allowing you to be “friends” through bribes and other tricks

The CPTCSA books and flyers also list “Wants to take your pictures” as an early warning signal and telltale sign of sexual offenders, but since photography is the number one hobby in the world, this sign should be taken not in isolation but in relation with the other warning signs.

Valuable resources on the issue of child sexual abuse and prevention

If you want to avail of print materials and videos on the issue of child sexual abuse and how you can proactively deal with this problem, please surf to the Reformed Churches in America website.